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I laugh because I know exactly what he means.

“So, what was that really about?” Jake asks after several minutes of us just laying together on the couch.

“What do you mean?” I look anywhere, but at Jake.

“I mean, I don't buy that you don’t feel good. Why did you want to leave?”

“Shit. I didn’t want Dad to question you anymore about where you’ve been. I’m not sure how he’s going to take it.”

Jake studies me for a moment and then he sighs, “I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you think it’s time we tell your folks the truth? I’d hate for them to find out any other way.”

My heart beats fast, “I’m not sure how Dad will react. Maybe we can wait a while?”

“You act like I should be ashamed that I was in prison. I’m not. I did what I had to do to protect you and I’d do it again.”

Every time Jake says that, it grates on my last nerve. I hate it. He could’ve been upfront with me as Lucas. He could’ve made the time to tell me. We could have figured it out. “I’m not ashamed!”

“Bullshit. You just faked being sick so your Dad wouldn’t find out. You’re a grown woman. Act like it. It’s time for us to own up to everything that’s happened.”

“That’s not fair, Jake.”

“What’s not fair? The fact that you said you forgive me, but I feel it hanging around my neck like a fucking noose. Or that you can tell me you love me, but you can’t seem to let any of the anger or pain go? None of that feels fair, June.”

He stands from the couch and I’m shell shocked. “I’m going to go home. Give us both some space before I say something I’ll regret. See you, June,” he says and walks out the door.

Chapter Eighteen

What the hell is wrong with me? Is Jake right? Maybe he is. I don't know if I can forgive him. As much as I love him and as much as I’ve missed him, I haven't truly let the past go. How can I when I had to raise Lily by myself for six years. Being Lucas was the most selfish thing he could’ve done and I’m angry with him, despite me saying otherwise.

I’m so conflicted by my feelings. How would I have felt if he was in danger? Would I have done anything including shutting him out to protect him?

Questions plague me as I stare vacantly at the door that Jake walked out. My chest hurts. I’m not treating him fairly. I need to figure myself out, so that I’m not doing this to him. I should’ve gone after Jake. I should pick up the phone and call him, but I don’t.

He’s right. He did so much for us, and here I am throwing it in his face every chance I get. I need to decide if I can truly let go of the past and move on with our future.

Monday comes and goes and I don’t hear from Jake except for a text telling me he has to work late and to give his love to Lily. I don't respond because I’m a chicken. I feel guilty for how I’ve behaved.

On Tuesday, after a conversation with my boss about how we haven’t been that busy lately and that we better take the slow while we can get it, I decide that I’m going to take Lily out of school for a few days and get out of here. Luckily, it’s a short week because Friday is a teacher workday.

Although, I haven’t been back since I was a girl, I feel like if I’m going to truly forgive all the bad with Jake I need to go back to where it all started. I need to face it, then maybe I can finally start to heal.

I pick up the phone to call Jake, but get his voicemail. “Hey, it’s me. You’re right. I haven’t been fair. I feel like I need to get my head on straight. Please don't give up on me while I do. I decided to take Lily to the summer house for the weekend. She’s never been there and hopefully a little bit of time away from all of this will help me get some perspective. I love you, Jake.”

I disconnect hoping that he will stick this out with me, while I decide if I can forgive him. Even more unfairness, I know. God, I’m being selfish.

I leave work, pack our bags, and pick Lily up from school just before lunch. I call Daryn on the way to let him know that I’m leaving for a few days and apologize profusely, hoping he can get someone to help out with Grace in my absence. I feel like an ass about it, but I just have to get out of here.

“Mom? What are you doing here?” Lily asks when Mrs. Weinstein delivers her to the office. I have to smile at my daughter, she picked out her outfit this morning. Her yellow and pink striped leggings along with her bat t-shirt screams I want Halloween to be here already.

“We’re going to go to the summer house for a few days, just the two of us. What do you say?”

“What do I say?” She throws her hands up, “What do I say? Eeps, I can’t wait to see where you and Daddy met. Where’s Dad? He’s coming, right?”

A pang of guilt stabs me in my chest. Is it wrong for me to bring Lily there without Jake? I wish he was coming with us, but I also know that I need to figure out my headspace.

“This trip is going to be just the two of us, but you can call Dad while we’re gone. It’s kind of last minute, so I’m sure he has to work.”

I grab Lily’s hand and lead her to the SUV. “We’re going to leave straight from here.”

“But Grace and I have practice,” she whines.

“Honey, I’m sure it will be fine if we miss one practice. We won’t be gone that long and I know how much you’ve always wanted to go.” For some reason, it feels like without Jake I have to convince her.

“Did you bring the iPad?” Of course, that will solve everything.

“I did, and I downloaded a movie on it for you.”

She smiles at me and we make our trek south. It’s a good nine hours, so my spontaneous “let's get my head on straight” drive will hopefully bring me some clarity.

Miles and miles of road pass by and I’m no clearer on what I’m doing than when I left this morning. A glance in my rear-view mirror tells me Lily’s sleeping. I check the time, it’s getting late. I’m surprised Jake hasn't called me. It makes me wonder if I’ve pushed him too far, but if he can give up on us already, is he worth it? I need a man who can be patient with me and won’t go away again. I guess that’s what my entire problem is; fear. I’m so afraid that he will break my heart all over again by leaving me. Deep down, I want him to come after me.

I pass an exit sign for a correctional institute for men. In the distance, I can see high gray cement walls surrounded by what I assume is barbed wire. There is a watch tower and although it’s far away I imagine a man armed with a gun watching the yard. Jake was behind those walls, not those per-se, but he spent four years locked behind cement for a crime he didn’t commit; for something I did. He protected me and since learning about Lily all he has done is be here with us. He’s loved me, given me unparalleled passion, and endured hell for me. Looking at the concrete walls makes me realize that my fears of him leaving me are just that, fears. I refuse to allow fear to dictate our future.

I pick up my phone and dial Jake again. It rings, once, twice and then, “June?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“I’ve been trying to reach you for hours, I left my phone at work last night and then was busy today at work. I just got a chance to check it. It’s been going straight to voicemail for hours. Where are you?” Jake’s voice is laced with concern.

“Ugh, I should’ve thought about that. Mountains break-up service. I’m on my way to the summer house. Didn’t you get my message?” Just as I ask, my voice cuts out a little.

“Juniper,” his voice is soft, “I heard your message. What are you doing? You didn’t need to go there without me. I thought I’d give you space, but I don’t want states between us. Where’s your head at?”

“I feel terrible for how I’ve treated you. You’re right, it’s not fair,” my phone starts to break up again. “Jake?”

“Be there,” his voice cuts in and then out again until finally my screen flashes no service.

Well, that’s just great.

A few hours later and my GPS has me pulling down a dark, dirt road. It looks different than I remember, but that may just be because I’ve never driven here before. I was only a kid when I was here last

“Wake up, sweetie. We’re here?” I rouse Lily from sleep while putting the SUV in park. My headlights flash on the house and I can see the porch swing Mom told me about and the wind chime she picked up at a flea market gently swaying in the breeze. The air is warm and almost sticky. I open the door and my interior light goes on overhead.

Lily sits up, “This is it? We’re finally here?”

“We sure are.”

She opens her door, hops down from the SUV and stretches her tiny body.

“Well, let’s go!” Lily grabs my hand and rushes me towards the house. I notice the small cobblestone path that I scraped my knee on when I was nine. This place has stayed the same in so many ways. The door to the front of the house is a bright red now, but other than that, it looks so much like how I remember it. Potted plants sit on the porch next to the front door and through the window I can see the darkened back of the flower print curtains.

The motion detector over the door flicks on and off and I shake my head because Mom is always griping at Dad to fix it. Maybe I can be of some use and fix that while I’m here. Who am I kidding?

It hasn't been that long since Mom and Dad were last here and a quick call earlier to Dad confirmed that the key is right where it’s always been, inside the secret compartment on the planter.

Lily grins at me when she sees the secret hiding spot. “That’s so cool, it’s like spy gear for the old people.”

I mock gasp, “Old people?”

“Grandma and Grandpa are old,” I laugh at her bluntness.

“Alright, kiddo are you ready to see the house?” I open the door and flick on the light illuminating the room. It’s clean and homey, and despite being vacant, it still has the fresh linen scent I remember so well. The living room has two large, brown chaises made of suede or some other soft, inviting material. An overfilled built-in bookshelf separates the large chaises. There’s no TV only a large cabinet that houses board games on the top half and Dad’s not so secret stash of booze on the bottom. The floor is bamboo and an outdoor/indoor rug sits on top of the majority of it.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel coming here, but I know now that I had nothing to worry about. I feel completely comfortable, and admonish myself for waiting so long.

I look at Lily and see that she is anxious to explore. “Go ahead, look around. You can’t hurt anything.”

“Yes!” She takes off running up the stairs to the bedrooms. I move to the kitchen which, even though it could use an update, has a unique country charm with its warm wood and butcher block counter tops. I open a cupboard looking for a tea kettle. It’s exactly where it should be. While I wait for my tea, I unload the SUV, unplug my phone from the car charger and call Jake.

It doesn't even ring but goes straight to voicemail. “It’s Jake. Leave a message.” his voice is clipped as I wait for the beep.

“Hi, just wanted to let you know that we got in safe. I love you,” I disconnect not sure of exactly what I want to say.

Lily and I spend the next couple of hours playing board games and hanging out. Even though it’s well past midnight, she can’t sleep since she slept so much in the car.

There’s pasta and sauce in the pantry so I make us an extremely late dinner and once we are stuffed and all Monopolyed out, I tuck her into the twin size bed that I once called my own.

I open the room that my parents usually occupy and smile. This is one room that has changed. The walls are a bright yellow where they once were lavender. The over-sized bed has a white quilt with yellow daisies stitched along the sides of it and large over-sized yellow pillows sit against the opulent, cherry headboard. Although, the bed and matching dresser are antiques, Mom has spruced them up to make this room look like summertime.

I shimmy out of my jeans and face-plant onto the bed. I want sleep to take me. But no, I’m not that lucky. I toss and turn and end up on my back, staring out the window into the night sky. I know deep down, I’ve always prayed that I would have Jake back and that he would get to be a Dad to Lily. I never expected this deep rooted fear of him leaving to hold me hostage. I want to be fair to him. I need to learn to let everything go. Tomorrow, I will face the river and hopefully by doing that I will be able to put the past behind me, so that I can move forward with Jake without anything hanging over our heads.

Chapter Nineteen

My eyes flutter open. Early dawn light shines through an open window cascading a yellow glow on the edge of the bed. I draw a breath and breathe in the most familiar comfortable scent in the world; Jake. A warm large hand strokes across my belly. I press my body backward and feel the hardness of Jake.

“Morning, beautiful,” Jake’s raspy voice is like music to my ears.

I turn and face him. Those blue-greens that I fell in love with at fifteen stare back at me. “You’re really here?”

“I left once I got off the phone with you, yesterday. I was trying to give you space, not push you away, but I decided that was stupid.” His demeanor is relaxed and he grins after saying stupid.

“Stupid?” I question.

“Oh, yes,” he says playfully and then nips at my ear. “We had enough space to last us a lifetime. If something’s eating at you, we work through it together. If you need a minute, you do it in another room, not another state, and most of all we talk our stuff out. You’re it for me, June. You’ve been it for me for as long as I can remember, and whatever it is, I’ll be here for you. If you’re scared that I’ll disappear, then I’ll stick so close to your side you gotta peel me off.”

My lip trembles because this is what I needed all along, his reassurances.

“If you need time to tell your folks about our past, then we wait as long as you need. I won’t pressure you, but I want you to know I’m not ashamed. I’d do anything for you. I’d do anything for us. My only regret is not telling you I was Jake sooner. I hate that look on your face when you found out who I was. It’s seared into my brain, but I needed that time with you. I get that you have fears, June. I’m afraid too.”

“What are you afraid of?” My throat is tight holding off tears. I see vulnerability in my big strong Jake.

“I’m afraid that I’ll be like him. Afraid that it’s not over, and that something bad is still going to happen. Afraid that I won’t be a good dad. Afraid mostly that you don’t love me the same way I love you, and that you’ll decide this isn’t worth it. God, June. I know we’re going to have a long road, but you don't leave. We’re in this together, yeah?”

That tear I was holding back falls and then another. “Yeah, Jake. I’m sorry I left. I just felt like I needed…”

“Shh,” he puts his finger over my lip.

“I know why you left. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I need you to know,” I say moving his finger away. “There’s never been anyone who could even come close to holding a candle to you. You’re it for me. I was scared, that’s partly why I came here, and I hate that I keep making you feel this way. You don’t have to prove anything to me. I know you love us. I came here because I need to let go of the past and I thought the best way to do that was by coming here and facing it. I just thought that was the best way for us to move forward. I wasn’t running away from us.”

“June, I do have to prove myself, and it’s okay. I lied to you once, sure my reasons felt justified, but it put insecurities in your heart. I must’ve failed so far at making sure you know that I’ll never do it again, or you wouldn’t have felt like you had to go. I’m here, June, right here. I’m here for the long haul. Where you go, I go. If you feel like you need to be here to face the past, then I’m facing it with you. When we get back, I’m not spending another night away from you. I’m with you, June. I’m never letting you go again.”

What could I say to that? His words ease so much turmoil. He’s right. I shouldn't have come here without him, but I’m so glad I did and that he followed. It’s exactly what I needed. Our lips crash together, and in the early morning dawn, we make sweet, sweet love.

***

“Dad, I can’t believe you’re here.” Lily lunges onto the bed and plops down between us. Luckily, I threw Jake’s t-shirt on after our love making, and he pulled on his boxer briefs.

“Lily, I wouldn’t have missed your first trip here,” Jake bops her on the nose with his finger and she beams the biggest smile. I have no doubt that Lily is as enamored as me. The sun, now higher in the sky, shines brightly through the window creating a warm glow over the room. I’m warm from the heat. I hug Lily and throw the covers off of me, declaring, “Pancake time!”

“Ooh, Mom makes the best pancakes!” Lily hops off the bed to follow me. I smile. It’s just pancakes in a box, but they sure are tasty.

I look over my shoulder one last time before walking out of the room, “Coming?” I flash Jake a bright smile.

“Pancakes with my girls. I wouldn't miss it.”

Lily is a pro at helping me make pancakes. She mixes the batter while I start a pot of coffee.

“Coffee smells good,” Jake kisses me on the cheek and takes a seat at the country style kitchen table. I watch him suppress a yawn.

“Did you drive all night?”

He shrugs.

“Why don’t you sleep for a little while after breakfast and I’ll take Lily into town to stock the fridge?”

“Yeah okay, but I don’t want to sleep that long. I want to be able to show Lily this place too.”

I nod my head agreeing with him. Lily opens a new bottle of syrup and sets it down on the table, while I pour the batter into large circles on the griddle.

The three of us enjoy a nice breakfast and as we finish, Jake yawns again, then heads upstairs to sleep. I send Lily to her room to get ready for the day and I tiptoe into the bedroom and change clothes, throwing on a pair of fitted capri jeans and a flowery peasant blouse finished with a pair of black flats. I kiss his forehead and watch him for a moment listening to him breathe deeply in his sleep.

As Lily and I drive into town, I’m surprised with how much is still how I remember. The ice cream shop Dad used to take me to still has the red and white awning and the barber shop next door still has the red, white, and blue pole out front. A few old men sit outside a restaurant with Styrofoam cups, a gentle steam rises. A man with a full white beard is laughing at another man who’s wearing a black Irish trinity cap.

It has an old southern charm to it. Driving through town and pulling into the parking lot of the Piggly-Wiggly, I think about the majestic quality this town carries, too bad it also carries our demons.

We grab a cart and start filling it with fresh fruit.

“Mom, these peaches are huge!” Lily grabs several and tosses them into the cart. I grab a green, plastic produce bag made for fruit, take them out of the cart and show Lily how they go into the bag then continue shopping. She continues to try and put a million items in the cart and I am constantly taking each one out and examining it to decide if we need it.

“We won’t be here that long,” I tell her for the fourth time taking out a jumbo pack of gummies.

“Alright, I get it,” Lily says.

We head over to the butcher and get steaks for dinner tonight burgers for tomorrow. We check out and I put Lily in the SUV. I’m returning the cart when I feel the oddest sensation, like somebody's watching me. I look around as the tiny hairs on my neck raise. I don’t see anything suspicious, but this feeling scares me. I hurry back to Lily and start the SUV, backing out of the spot as quickly as possible.

A horn blares at me and I slam on the brakes making Lily lurch forward in her seat. “Mom?” she asks concerned.

“Sorry, baby.” I mentally curse myself for almost running into a car. I take a deep breath and decide that I’m overreacting. It’s not anything. I’m sure of it, aren’t I?

We return to the house and unload the groceries. I shake off my weird feeling and busy myself by cleaning. I ask Lily if she wants to go for a walk and she happily agrees. Outside, the sun is warm and everything is just a little greener than in Ohio. It feels like someone, somehow amplified everything. The grass is like this vivid shade of green that my young mind probably didn’t ever fully appreciate. Now though, I revel in its beauty. Wildflowers intermingle between the trees and the sound of flowing water in the distance reminds me just how close I am to everything. I’m not ready to face the river with Lily. Instead, we walk past Jake’s old house and I’m surprised when I see a beat up Chevy truck in the driveway. I know it was sold, but it still surprises me. We walk through the clearing that Jake and I first got physical in and I tell her how Daddy and I used to play there.

Lily hangs on my every word. By the time we circle back to the house, she is anxious to wake up Jake. I let her while I start lunch.

“Juniper,” Jake says into my neck kissing me while I stand at the counter making sandwiches.

“Mommy and Daddy kissing in a tree,” Lily sings.

I laugh, “It’s sitting in a tree.”

“That’s not what I saw,” she singsongs.

Jake laughs at us and swipes a sandwich. “This is great,” he says between bites.

“So, are you guys going to get married, or what?” Lily asks grabbing a sandwich.

“Lily!” I scold because she shouldn’t be going there.

“What?” she asks.

“No, it’s okay,” Jake says to the both of us, “Lily, that’s a smart question.”

“It is?” she asks at the same time I think, it is?

“Your mommy and I are definitely going to get married one day, but I get to ask her first and that gets to be a special moment between Mommy and Daddy.”

My jaw is slack with how casually he just threw that out there to Lily.

“Are you going to take a long time?” she asks.

He laughs, “Not too long, and I promise you’ll be the first to know. Deal?”

“Deal,” she sticks out her hand to shake on it.

Although my heart is beating fast, I’m no longer afraid of what the future holds. I’m looking forward to it. Coming here was exactly what we needed. Fear is not ruling me where Jake is concerned.

“Guess what, Lilypad?” I say knowing exactly what will placate my girl.

“What?” she asks taking a bite of her giant peach. Juice from the succulent fruit dribbles out of the side of her mouth.

“Daddy’s moving in with us, as soon as we get back.” Jake beams at me.

“Decided it needs to happen right away, sweetie,” Jake tells her.

“Awesome!” She throws her tiny arms around Jake squishing her head into his cotton t-shirt. I love how natural it is for the two of them.

I sit down and eat my lunch and we talk about what kind of furniture Jake has and what we can use. I can’t believe he’s moving in and I’ve yet to see his place.

After lunch, the sky grows dark and it begins to rain, so we stay indoors and play board games until we've let Lily win so many times she's suspicious that we’re letting her win.

Jake praises my choice in steaks and cooks them on the grill under the overhang, while Lily and I make a salad.

Our dinner is filled with stories of how I swam up to Jake in the river. The way Jake tells it melts my insides. It’s a story of such simple, sweet love. I’m not sure that before this moment I ever truly realized how much Jake loved me right off the bat.

We clean up as a family, each person helping out. Later, in Lily's room, Jake sings Butterfly Kisses. This time, I don't wait in the hallway. I sit down beside him on the bed as his voice radiates beauty throughout the room and listen. Lily’s sleepy eyes watch her daddy and I know she is in serious love. As I watch him, my world as I know it ceases. It’s no longer Lily and June. It’s the three of us. This is what was stolen from us, but we have it now. We’ve survived and we’re a family.