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Authors: Jim Gaffigan

Dad Is Fat

BOOK: Dad Is Fat
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Copyright © 2013 by Jim Gaffigan

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

CROWN ARCHETYPE
with colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

eISBN: 978-0-385-34906-2

Photography credits: All photographs are courtesy of the author, except:
this page
, © Mindy Tucker;
this page
, © Kai Cheung;
this page
, © Corey Melton
.
Jacket design by Michael Nagin
Jacket photography © Gabrielle Revere

v3.1

Dedication and Acknowledgment

This book is dedicated to Jeannie.

For me it feels silly and possibly insulting “dedicating” this book to or “acknowledging” Jeannie here. It doesn’t do justice to Jeannie’s participation in
Dad Is Fat
. This book really was
our
book. Jeannie not only made me a father and a better comedian, she made me an author. Yes, she is a magic Jeannie. If you are a fan of Jeannie, you will hear her voice in this book. For your sake, I removed all of the yelling. The image of Jeannie sitting at her computer turning my insane drivel into coherent essays while breastfeeding newborn Patrick will stay with me forever. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Jeannie as a writing partner, lover, and friend, but I scored big. She really has ended up being a fantastic first wife.

Contents
Foreword

Jim Gaffigan wrote a book? Isn’t he the Hot Pocket guy? I bet he regrets doing that joke. Hooooot Poooockets! I guess that’s funny to some people. Why would he write a book? Why would they let him write a book? He doesn’t even seem like he’s
read
a book before. Well, maybe a cookbook. Actually, he seems too lazy to cook. Maybe an eating book. I guess they let anyone write books now. That is if HE actually wrote this book. He probably just talked to some ghostwriter and they turned it into something readable. He looks like a ghost. Is he really that pale? I don’t know what’s going on with the cover and title
. Dad Is Fat
? I mean, obviously he’s fat. Wait, is this the guy with like ten kids? Either way it’s just weird to have so many kids today. I hope this isn’t one of those complain-about-your-kids books or, even worse, one of those sappy “I love my kids” books. Ugh. Funny, I never say “ugh.” Oh, I see what he’s doing. He’s talking for me, the reader. That’s why it’s italicized. I certainly wouldn’t do that in the foreword of a book
.

Letter to My Children

Dear Children,

I am your dad. The father of all five of you pale creatures. Given how attractive and fertile your mother is, there may be more of you by the time you read this book. If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you’d be interested in anything I’ve done. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I’m kidding, of course. Kind of. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I’m dead.

All right, you didn’t kill me. Your mother did. She kept getting pregnant! I don’t know how. Don’t think about it. It will give you the willies. At one point, I was afraid she got pregnant while she was pregnant. She was so fertile I didn’t even let her hold avocados. Anyway, this is a book all about what I
observed being your dad when you were very young and I had some hair back in good old 2013.

So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things. By the way, I’m sorry I yelled so much and did that loud clapping thing with my hands. I hated when my dad would do the loud clapping thing with his hands, so every time I do the loud clapping thing, it pains me in many ways. Most of the pain is because that loud clapping thing actually hurts my hands.

You may be wondering how I wrote this book. From a very early age, you all instinctively knew I wasn’t that bright of a guy. Probably from all the times you had to correct me when I couldn’t read all the words in
The Cat in the Hat
. Hell, I find writing e-mails a chore. (Thank you, spell-check!) I wrote this book with the help of many people, but mostly your mother. Your mother is not only the only woman I’ve ever loved, but also the funniest person I know. When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.

Love,

Dad

P.S. How did you get that hula hoop into that restaurant Easter 2011?

Who’s Who in the Cast

Jim Gaffigan
(
Dad
). Jim feels honored to be playing the title role of Dad. Prior to being cast in
Dad Is Fat
, Mr. Gaffigan also had the title role in the long-running show
Mediocre Uncle
. He is thrilled to be given this opportunity to work with the fine cast of
Dad Is Fat
. “He has virtually no training, skills, or instincts on how to play this role.” —
New York Times

Jeannie Noth Gaffigan
(
Mom, Director, Producer, Costume, Hair & Makeup Design, Casting Director, Technical Director, Catering, Music & Lyrics, Usher, Choreographer, Additional Music & Lyrics
). Ms. Noth Gaffigan also coaches Jim Gaffigan in the role of
Dad
.

Marre Gaffigan
(
Oldest, Ensemble, Founding Member of the
Dad Is Fat
Company
). Miss Gaffigan is an eight-year-old third grader and an amazing dancer. Off-Broadway:
I Once Had My Own Bed
.

Jack Gaffigan
(
First Son, Ensemble, Sound Design & Special Effects
). Jack was last seen in
Yelling for No Reason at All
. He is six and would like to thank God for his incredible good looks, which earned him the leading role in the hit show
I’m Too Cute to Punish
.

Katie Gaffigan
(
Middle Child, Ensemble
). Katie is three years old and was the inspiration for the song “You Are My Sunshine.” She would like to thank the creators of
Scooby-Doo
and the color green.

Michael Gaffigan
(
Gateway Baby, Ensemble
). Michael is one year old and has been dazzling audiences since his 2011 debut. He would like to thank everyone who encouraged him to pursue his childhood dream of playing with a ball.

Patrick Gaffigan
(
Newborn, Ensemble
). Patrick is the newest cast member. A truly tireless performer, he has been with the company for only weeks but has already won the award for
Most Colicky Newborn
(2012).

Setting:
Present day. A tiny, crowded two-bedroom apartment on the Bowery in downtown Manhattan.

There will be no intermission. Ever.

Rue the Day

When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers. Of course, that may have been because I was way too into
The X-Files
.

BOOK: Dad Is Fat
12.03Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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