Damaged (14 page)

CHAPTER 19

“The scrape looks superficial,” Peter says, holding my arm and examining the cuts gently. There are nine angry red pin-sized scrapes down one arm. We are sitting in his bathroom. The medicine cabinet is open. It’s the first time I’ve been in his house since the night I met him. Everything is put away now. Peter is very neat. I’m shocked that he even has a kit like this.

I still feel silly. Who gets attacked by small wildlife creatures? I’m the antithesis of Snow White.
“It probably wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t scream like a lunatic and launch the squirrel at the wall. I freaked out on his little ass.”

Peter is grinning when looks up at me. “Yes, you did. I heard you
yelling in the dining room. By the time I threw the door open, I was sure someone was killing you. Then, I see you launch a small animal across the room.” He laughs. “I have the shower scene from Psycho in my head, except Norman Bates is a squirrel. You better watch your step. When he gets out of that restaurant, he’s gonna tell all his buddies.” Peter’s shoulders are shaking. He’s trying so hard not to laugh.

I’m grinning. Norman the
Squirrel with his little knife is kind of funny. “Jerk.”

“Hold still. Odds are this’ll sting like a bitch.”

“Do bitches really stin—” I stop asking stupid questions and let out a slew of swear words. “What the hell is that? Acid?” I rip my arm away. My skin burns as if he set it on fire.

P
eter reaches for my hand and yanks it back out. “Baby.” He holds a bottle of stuff over my arm again. There’s a towel under my elbow. The liquid runs down my arm and onto the towel.

Peter pours it quickly
, again. My body tenses and I grit my teeth. I’m ready for it this time. My jaw locks, but I nearly fall over when Peter lowers his head and blows on the bubbling cuts. His pink lips are pursed and he blows on my skin. The gentle rush of air chases away the sharp burn and makes my skin cold. I forget to lock my jaw. I’m still tense, but the reason has changed. Peter doesn’t seem to realize what he’s done. He’s still grinning and looks up at me.

No, no, no
. I have a deer in the headlights look on my face. I don’t move. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. Peter’s eyes darken. He doesn’t look away. My heart pounds louder. I think he can hear it. Suddenly, I notice my breathing, the way I’m taking shallow shaky breaths. Peter’s fingers remain on my wrist, holding my arm out across my knee. I’m lost in his gaze. I feel a magnetic pull toward him, towards his lips. My skin is charged from his touch. I can’t stand it. Sucking in air, I turn my face.

I can’t do it.

I can’t kiss him.

I shouldn’t even be here.

Peter’s voice is deeper than usual. “That should help. Let me get the antiseptic, and cover it up. Then, we can take you home.” He drops my wrist and stands up. Peter is staring at the little bottle, but he doesn’t take it in his hands. Instead, he stands there, unblinking. He breathes in deeply and lets the air rush out from between his lips. I feel like I’m watching porn. My pulse is racing and I’m too warm. I can’t look away. I don’t want to.

Peter runs his hands through his hair and grabs the ointment. “Here, this should help it heal faster.” He dabs it on my arm. My stomach curls at his light touch. I watch
Peter as he presses his finger to the scrapes. It makes me shiver so badly that I yank my arm away.

Peter looks up at me. My mouth is open, but I have no words. What am I supposed to say
? Your touch makes me crazy? Every time you dab that stuff on me, I tingle in all the wrong places?
What the hell is wrong with me?

I jump off the little bench
in the bathroom and try to push past him. Peter turns at the last second. Our bodies line up. Ice drips down my spine and I freeze. His pecs are lined up with mine. I can feel him. It sends shivers through me that turn into a throb. My lips part and I gasp, trying to say words that won’t come. I try to move my feet. I try to do anything but stay there and look up into his eyes.

Peter lifts his hands slowly. I feel the heat from his palms just below my elbows. I know he wants to touch me. I know what he’s debating, because the same thoughts
are racing through my mind. I know I should I move, but I can’t. My pulse pounds harder, roaring in my ears. I feel his hands nearly touch the bare skin on my arms. Peter’s hands are so close, but they don’t touch me.

I don’t lift my gaze
, even though I feel Peter’s eyes burning a path from my eyes to my lips. If I look up, I won’t be able to leave. If I look up, I’ll throw everything away. Throwing away college means going home. It means going back to the people I ran away from. It means seeing the man who used my body over and over again.

My voice is
so strained when I speak. “I can’t…”

Peter’s face is so close. He’s lowered his head. I can feel his breath on my lips. My fingers ball at my sides. I stretch my hands and then curl my fingers into fists.

Don’t touch him. Don’t.

“I know,” Peter breathes. I close my eyes and feel the room tip to the side.
It’s so hot in here
. He’s so close to me. I peel my eyes open again, and stare at his chest. I won’t look up. I can’t look up. “We can’t, but I can’t let you go.”

My eyes flick up. Oh
, God. Mistake. Sirens are ringing in my ears. I fall into those twin pools of pure blue and I can’t climb out. I gasp. My lips are right by his. Peter’s hands are still over my arms. Every few moments, his fingers clench shut, as though he’s fighting the urge to touch me. I try to swallow. I try to look down, but I’m so hopelessly tangled in his gaze. I want his hands on me. I want to feel his palms burning on my skin. I want things that I thought I’d never want.

My lips are parted
. I try to speak, but nothing comes out. Every breath I take swells inside me, forcing my chest out, making my breasts brush against his chest. I need to stop breathing. My head is swimming with lust. Part of me is begging to be touched, to be kissed. I can’t stop it. I can’t control it. I’m trapped.

Peter’s hands unclench
and he closes his eyes. When he opens them again, there’s a hopeless smile on his face. He starts talking, pouring his heart out, every last damaged bit. “I’m never the lucky one. Every time I find someone, she gets ripped away. She’s always out of reach and it’s not like I can change that.

“
I can’t get her back. I can’t change things. There are no second chances. I’ve lost everything. I lost Gina.

“
I lost myself when she died. I haven’t felt a goddamn thing since then. But then you came along… You’re smart and beautiful. I thought I could move on, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. You were the only person who understood that, and knew what it truly meant.

“
And now,” Peter laughs bitterly and presses his eyes closed. When he opens them again, he looks tormented. His voice becomes higher as he speaks. His words come faster, more pained, more panicked. “Now that I’m ready to move on, I can’t. I can’t lose my job. I can’t be with you, but I can’t be without you. God, Sidney. Tonight was one of the best and worst moments of my life. You said you loved me.
You love me
…” he smiles sadly and shakes his head. “I love you, too. You brought me back to life. You gave me back my smile. You’re everything to me, but I can’t do this to you—”

I stare at him
. My eyes are too wide and my mouth is hanging open. What did he say? He can’t mean that. He can’t, but he said it.
Peter loves me.
But I can’t follow him. There’s so much agony in his voice. I don’t know what he means. “Do what to me?”

“You’re here on scholarship. I know what will happen to me if I go through with this,
and I can’t let you throw away your life—”

He loves me. I stare at his eyes, listening to him say it, listening to the reason why he’s frozen, why he’s not touching me. He loves me.

I’m so afraid, so terrified that he’ll push me away, but I do it anyway. For a split second, I’m brave—and stupid, and reckless and impulsive. I cut off his words by slipping my fingers over his stubbled cheeks. I lean in and brush my lips to his. His mouth is sweet and soft.

Peter freeze
s when I kiss him. His arms don’t wrap around me. He doesn’t kiss me back. My muscles are so tense, so ready to run. I thought he’d hold me. I thought he’d respond.

Shame
floods my face. I break the tiny kiss and look down. “I’m sorry,” I say to the floor. “I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have…” My lower lip is quivering. I try to hold it still, but it won’t cooperate, so I suck my lip into my mouth and bite down.

Before I can say another word, Peter scoops me up into his arms. I
yelp and hold on tight. He walks us to the front door and lowers me to the floor. My body slides against his. The hem of my dress slips up shamefully high as I get down and press my feet to the floor. He’s going to throw me out again. My hands are on his chest.

Peter doesn’t step away. I feel his ey
es on my face. I can’t let go. He lets out a breath and leans into me. His hands are on my shoulders. He looks at my fingers on his chest. “I can’t tell you to go.”

“Then don’t.”

“I can’t sleep with you.”

“Then we won’t.”

He laughs at that. “You make it sound easy. I can barely think with you touching me like that. You seriously think I have enough self-control not to sleep with you?”

I nod. My fingers are splayed over his chest. I feel all of him, every curve,
every muscle. “Your headlights are on.” My thumb rubs over his pec, feeling the taut nipple beneath.

He laughs
, and says, “So are yours,” right before my thumb moves over him. He moans and grabs my hand. “Sidney.”

“Peter.”

“You’re too— You don’t know what you’re giving up.” His voice is husky. The muscles in his neck are flexed tight. He keeps clenching his jaw and smashing his lips together.

“I know exactly what I’m giving up. I remember
who’s waiting for me at home.” My hands slide down his chest. His abs are so ripped. My finger flicks a button on his shirt, just above his waist.

Peter’s
shoulders tense. He lets out a ragged breath. Peter’s hand lifts and brushes my cheek. I lean into the touch and close my eyes. He pulls away from me like I burned him. “Sidney, I can’t do this. I can’t.” Peter pulls at his hair and turns away from me. He paces the floor once, then twice.

When he looks up, I panic. I see it in his eyes. He’s going to push me away. I don’t move. I brace for impact, expecting him to open the door and throw me through it, but he doesn’t.
He rushes toward me and places hands on either side of my head. I don’t know what he’s doing. I can’t tell if he’s going to yell or—

I don’t get to finish the thought. P
eter leans in. His lips are so close to mine. I feel him resist. That part of him is still fighting it, but he doesn’t back away. Peter closes the space. His lips press lightly to mine. It’s a whisper of a kiss. Peter’s still holding back. His body is all taut muscle. When I lift my hands and try to touch him, Peter jumps and pulls away. His face is scrunched with indecision. His hands fist at his sides. He looks like he wants to hit the wall, and turns away from me.

I’m insane. I walk over to him. I’m behind him. I made up my mind. I can’t do this to him. It’s tearing him apart. I feel the strength I need to walk away. It’s f
aint, but it’s there. “Peter, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I won’t do this to you.”

His face is in his hand. Peter turns around slowly and looks down at me. “I can’t do this to you. I know what you
went through to get here. I can’t send you back to the people who did that to you... I can’t let you do it. I love you, Sidney.” His eyes search mine. It feels as though we’re breaking up. Something tightens around my throat. I try to swallow, but I can’t.

“I love you, too, Peter.” I smile
at him sadly and turn to leave.

My hand is twisting the knob when he says, “Stay.”

“What?”

“Stay, just a little lo
nger. I can’t let you go, not yet.”

I’m near tears.
After everything we’ve been through, I can’t believe I have to walk away from him. Life is so unfair, this is so wrong. I love him and he loves me. The odds are so slim, so miniscule, that a person will find their match. I know he was made for me, and I know I have to leave.

I shake my head. “I can’t. This is an all or nothing kind of deal. I can’t stand being around you and not touching you.
You asked me if I’m attracted to you—I am. A lot. Everything about you entices me. Peter, I need to go.” Pressing my lips together, I walk out of his apartment and fly down the steps. I suck in the night air like I’m suffocating. I walk the two blocks to my dorm, alone, thinking.

I’d give up everything for him, but then what? He has no job, I have no money, and we both live in a box.

Love sucks.

CHAPTER
20

I feel hollowed out. Even my skin feels fragile. My fingers drift to my lips. The memory is still there. It’s like I can still feel the pressure of Peter’s mouth, the way he fit perfectly into the seam of my lips.

I can’t see
Peter again. That doesn’t really sink in until I’m walking down the street. There’s a good chance that I won’t even be his TA anymore. Strictland will separate us.

I t
hink about how my days will be without Peter, having him so close but not being able to talk to him, or touch him. Oh God, it hurts. It feels like someone took a knife and carved out my heart. I want to double over and cry, but I don’t. I keep walking.

A car full of guys slows as the
y drive by. They whistle and catcall me before zooming off. When I’m finally on campus again, I’m back in my element. I can handle this. I make a beeline for the dorm. When I get to my room, it’s filled with girls. God, why can’t I ever be alone? Millie looks at me over the tops of several ponytails. They’ve got a vat of blue Kool-Aide and are dipping the ends of their hair into the tub. Tia is sitting by the door. Her arms are folded over her chest and she’s leaning back in a chair.

“Not into blue?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “Nah, I’d love blue, but the only way it’ll show up in my hair is if I bleach it first. I’m not bleaching it. It’d probably fall out or something.” She glances up at me, and notices my puffy eyes. “What’s up with you? Something happen?”

I nod. “Yeah, the normal shit. Got chewed out by Strictla
nd for being Peter’s friend, and got attacked by a squirrel. The damn thing ripped my arm off.” Tia looks at my face to see if I’m making stuff up and then back at my arm.

“Holy shit.
You’re serious?” she asks, and sits up straight. I nod. Before I can say anything else, she’s up and tugging me out of the room and down the hall. “Millie’s blonde and going to stick her whole head in that bucket. It’s going to take her all night to get the color to show up. So talk. What’s going on with you? Why’d Strictland chew you out?” She pauses and her eyes widen. “Shit, Peter? As in Dr. Peter Granz?” I nod. She pulls me into her room and closes the door. “My roommate is down there with Millie. Spill. What the hell is going on?”

I flop down on h
er bed with my shoulders slumped forward. I shrug. “I don’t even know. Peter is Dr. Granz. It’s a long story, but I nearly slept with him before I realized who he was.”

Tia’s eye
s bug out of her head. “What?”

“Millie dragged me out on a blind date when she wanted to hook up with Brent. I was supposed to meet them there. Long story short, I sat down at the wrong table.” I look up at her face. Tia is really nice. I’ve said stupid crap to her before, but this makes me nervous
. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t want him to get in trouble.”

“I’m not telling anyone, but you have to tell me what happened. How’d you end up with him that night if you were on a date with another guy?”

“The other guy had happy hands. I left early. When I went to the parking lot, Peter was standing there with his hood up. He was new here and alone. Plus he’s hot and funny. I don’t know. I ended up going home with him. We made out. A lot. Before things got out of hand, the phone rang and I left. I recognized him the next morning in class.”

“Holy shit!” she stomps her feet on the floor, way too excited.
“So, what now?”

“We grabbed dinner after club. It was nothing, but Strictland showed up and ate with us. Then she kinda gave an ultimatum. Peter gets fired and trashes his career if he continues to see me, and I get flunked and can’t graduate. I can
’t repeat classes because of the scholarship. And I have no money. She knows that.”

Tia is at the edge of her seat with her fingers by her mouth.
“Oh, my God. But wait, I thought you said nothing was going on?”

“Nothing was going on. We were friends with an awkward start, but…” I sigh and tug at my hair.

“But it’s more than that now?”

“Yeah, way more.
Holy fuck, Tia. Like holy frickin’ fuck. I can’t even tell you.” My lips mash together. I want to punch something. “It’s not like I’ve been cut off from my best friend, although he is and I have been—it’s worse than that. I feel like my heart got ripped out.

“
And Peter. We were at his apartment fixing this,” I point to the claw marks, “and I kissed him. He said he can’t, but he loves me—”

Tia gasps, “Oh
, my God. Do you love him?” I glance up at her. She tenses and shakes the bed with her hands and squeals when I don’t answer. It must be written all over my face because she says, “Oh, my God! That’s so romantic! You love him, but you can’t be with him. What are you going to do?”

I shrug.
“Nothing. There’s nothing to do. I can’t let him risk his career for me, and I have to graduate. I can’t fuck it up and go home.” I bury my face in my hands and rub hard. Everything is falling apart. I feel so fractured, like I’m crumbling.

“I’ve never heard you curse like that before.”

“There’s not been much to curse about. I have no idea what to do. I have to stay away from him, but I can’t.” I laugh bitterly and wrap my arms around my waist. I can’t chase away the sensations that are choking me. I’m looking at her floor.

Memories
well up, uncalled. “That was my first
I love you
, well, the first one that was real, and then this happens. We aren’t even friends anymore. We can’t be. I have no idea how to deal with this.” My hands are on the sides of my head, and I shove my fingers into my hair.

T
onight started out great. I can’t believe this is happening. Yes, I should have known, but I didn’t. I didn’t know I was falling in love with Peter. I didn’t even realize it until tonight. I’m so damned stupid. How did I not see it? Especially when everyone has been less than tactful about it.

“Oh
, God,” I groan into my hands. Looking up, I ask, “What do I do?”

Tia’s face is full of sympathy. “The only thing you can do. Stay away from him and distract yourself with chocolate.”