DAMAGED - A Bad Boy Romance (88 page)

A lot of people got dressed up when they went to
Lectricland.
While I tried, I knew that my style was never quite up to snuff. I wasn’t really going there to pick up on anyone, and there was no real reason for me to communicate with any of the shady disco types that make that place their home. Thomas was an interesting sort because drug distribution was
zir
focus, instead of seeking the next relationship. Thomas facilitated the love lives of others, which was something that I found to be incredibly mythic.

In the circles I hung out in, we all got a chance to know who was dealing what, and what they were doing. I was always a bit more reserved than the others, and had only played around with drugs for experimental purposes. Most of my other friends used substances in patterns of recreational abuse, or as behavioral crutches. When you hang out with people, even if it is occasional, you tend to hear a few things about the world; that’s how I found out about Thomas’s ongoing first-timer deal. When you’re not opposed to sucking on a cock, and you figure you might be in the market one day, that kind of information tends to stick.

As it happens, I didn’t have much trouble finding Thomas once I arrived at the club. There was a group of admiring hopefuls all swarming around that immaculate rainbow colored afro. I didn’t have any pretensions about who I was as a person, because I wasn’t terribly fond of myself anyways. Also, the fear that some people have when approaching drug dealers, concerning the potential for falling into addictive patterns of use wasn’t on my mind. My purpose was strictly experimental, and with a definitive end in mind. I knew what I was looking for, and I wasn’t afraid to make myself vulnerable in order to secure the tools necessary to ascend to that higher state of reality.

My solo practice gave me the impression that I was approaching my goal. Hopefully, Thomas could give me the extra boost necessary to clear the layers of the upper stratosphere.

I had a note written ahead of time. It was a simple folded piece of parchment paper. On the paper I had written in ink, “First Time, Available Now. Desire Consciousness Expansion.”

I didn’t include my name, or any direct reference to information about our exchange. I also made sure that when I passed the paper off I made direct eye contact at the point of transfer. I wanted to clearly communicate that I was prepared to do what was necessary in that exact moment, in front of whomever, in order to secure the goods that Thomas had to offer.

Thomas looked at me and the crowd around him parted. With flamboyance and panache, a lighter appeared out of a striped pair of tight, stone-washed jeans. After a cursory glance at the note, Thomas’s eyes penetrated my own and the lighter set my note ablaze. I watched, helplessly as my prompt had been destroyed the moment I offered it over to the dealer.

I was confused, but I didn’t back down.

Thomas strut forward to me, and unwrapped a piece of gum which was produced from somewhere within that immaculate fro. A tongue flashed before me, and some part of the gum was placed on the tongue. A hand grabbed my ass and pulled me close. The tongue entered my mouth, and an object was deposited inside of my mouth.

“Swallow,” Thomas whispered.

So, I did.

It never occurred to me to question the instructions. The entire experience was way surreal. All of the people around us stopped and stared with wide mouths at our exchange. It was like each of them wanted to be in my position, but for some reason I was chosen.

Chosen for what?

I don’t know. A kiss? Some weird slip of paper?

I knew that blotters of acid came on papers like that, but Thomas wasn’t really known for being too into psychedelics. Beyond acid and molly, I really didn’t know much about the types of drugs that were popular at clubs these days.

“Gone and done now,”
I thought to myself, reflecting with anxiety at my present situation.

Questions began forming in my mind, but before I could articulate them, the orbit of people which surrounded Thomas had already closed once more. They were all migrating together in from the back patio toward the dance floor. I felt myself drawn inward. I was caught within Thomas’s orbit, and for some reason I found it incredibly difficult to escape.

“Wait, Thomas, what was that kiss all about?” I asked, but my question fell on deaf ears.

Thomas had given me my moment in the light of his attention. Now, I was merely another planetary body, orbiting around his brilliance. Into the club I followed, and up the stairs toward the back. We were headed to the roof. A private section of the club used only by those who felt comfortable enough to walk wherever they pleased. I watched as Thomas lifted a partition and walked from one side to the other. The partition was made of red velvet, and had a brass latch on one end which connected to a hook.

While the others who followed Thomas were deterred by the partition, I didn’t pay it any mind. Something in my intuition told me that those who remained on either side of the partition did so based on a process of self-election. I shrugged and made my way through the crowd, only to temporarily displace the partition.

“Why do you get to go?” someone asked, attitude and self-victimization present in their voice.

I could only turn and blink at them in response.

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink,”
I thought.

Exhaling, I let the words melt around me, and turned to follow Thomas up toward the rooftop garden.

The rooftop was beautiful. There were live jasmine plants dangling terraced gardens which surrounded the rooftop. A thatched frame canopy was overhead, and a slight fountain gurgled off to the side, away from the entrance to the roof. The stairs were long, and so the view was splendid.
Lectricland
was not the highest building in the area, but the view was nothing short of incredible. For the most part, Thomas and myself were alone on the rooftop, though there were a handful of others mild-mannered socialite types — all minding their own business while the dance party rambled on below.

A soft, rhythmic thumping came through the door, though much of the sound quality was lost to the insulation which separated the dance floor from the roof garden. This place was meant to be a sanctuary within the chaos of the club. From what I could tell, the rooftop’s designers had succeeded in their goal. Thomas sat on the edge of the fountain. He appeared relaxed and looked up at the evening sky. When I started toward the fountain, I saw small flashes of light outline the dealer’s silhouette. My vision was strikingly clear, and though it may have been psychosomatic, I felt an incredible boost of energy coming from the base of my spine.

We were only up there for about ten minutes before another person came out toward us. He was one of those tall dark club rat types. He looked suave as hell, and his stride was full of attitude.

“Another one of the self-elected,”
I thought, watching him strut toward the fountain.

“What it must feel like to be Thomas?”
I reflected,
“Always being the center of attention.”

The newcomer approached my position, though he didn’t so much as glance in my direction. I wasn’t on his radar. He was one hundred percent focused on the fountain, and showed no sign of interest in me as a person. I allowed myself to step slightly out of the way of this man’s path, just so I could maintain a sense of inner stability. When powerful people pass me by, I occasionally find myself emotionally disoriented in their wake.

I never had that air of confidence that seemed to come so naturally to other people.

He walked straight up toward Thomas. I saw in his attitude elements of power as though they were transparent, or written on the air above his body. He was pushing Thomas for something, drugs probably — but there was something else there also. Something unspoken and sexual. The magnetism of these two bodies were incredible to me. If Thomas was some embodiment of the solar aspect of humanity, then this newcomer must be some type of dark star. Simply watching the two of them interact was an experience full of tension which longed for release.

Words were exchanged that I was not privy to hear. In spite of my best efforts to spy on the two people, I was not able to discover exactly what was transpiring between the two. I only hoped that Thomas had enough energy to withstand the attraction that he doubtless felt toward the Dark Star. Watching, I saw Thomas stand up with incredible grace. The form of Thomas’s body looked magnificent in the sunlight. There was a lightness and ease about the two now that put me at ease; Thomas’s doing, no doubt about it.

A familiar hand moved from an inner pocket, to place yet another stick of ‘definitely not gum’ in his mouth. Thomas leaned in toward the other man, and gave him a kiss. Their union was long and thorough, but Thomas was not eager to consume like so many might have been in that scenario. Lust was a fickle beast, and one that Thomas was completely above at this point in the evening. Following the kiss, Thomas placed a hand on the other man’s hand, smiled, and then walked away.

I watched as Thomas glided across the rooftop toward me. Our eyes locked together, and the rest of the scenery bled into a mirage. I felt no sign of dread within my body -- only a high level of serenity. Something divine was taking place, I was sure of it. In passing my observant form, I waited for whatever event would transpire. Thomas leaned in toward me for a gentle hug, and subtly placed a thin slip of foil in my hand. The dealer’s fingers closed my hand into a fist, and then I felt
zir
presence depart.

Thomas left the rooftop then, with no indication of when he might return. I didn’t feel the desire to follow him as I had the first time. The magnetism was completely absent. I stared vacantly after Thomas, struggling to process the entirety of our exchange. My hand had been firmly closed, and was now down to my side — held in a natural position. I knew what was inside of the foil, but I had no idea why Thomas had decided to leave me in charge of such a powerful gift.

Taking a deep breath, I felt a presence approach from my left side. I knew it was the man who had approached Thomas. I knew that this time, his sights were set on me. I knew that he wanted something, that he had not found what he desired. I could tell that he imagined I would be instrumental in achieving that success. I knew that he was mistaken, but I forced my soul into action regardless. My intuition was bold, but perhaps because of my heightened discernment, I knew that the responsibilities expected of my state of being.

Expected, certainly; but by whom?

I turned to face the approaching conflict.

“Thomas says you have something for me,” the man said, his dark eyes piercing into my own.

I knew what I had to do, though I couldn’t for the life of me tell you why the pathway was so clearly laid out before me. All of the patterns of behavior that one might consider to be the outlines of fate were set up like pathways in the universe, leading me inexplicably toward some final destination of its own selection. My free hand reached up toward the man’s cheek. I leaned forward, and offered a simple, sweet, moist kiss.

My soul was completely bare, and my body was on fire. There was something hidden there, within the confines of that kiss. Some secret power and a message which I was determined to deliver even if I had no idea how I might be able to speak the truth of that message using words. In the pursuit of enlightenment, I had been blasted into the space where time no longer exists, and where all actions are merely that which must be done in order to maintain the eternally unfolding drama of now. My own body responded to the kiss, and I felt arousal grow within me like something slow and powerful. Looking up at the man’s eyes, I saw my own reflection, and I felt a center of beauty amid a chaotic storm.

“Interesting,” the Dark Star said, his teeth gleaming like meteors falling out of orbit. “I wonder just how far you’re prepared to carry that commitment. How about a test?”

I stared at him, my eyes as wide as saucers. This man looked so dangerous, and so compelling at the same time. How could I look at him and think that he was someone worth joining with? A part of my body wanted him, and there was another part of my mind that flared up in a warning sign.

“You look dangerous,” I said, not realizing the words were coming out of my mouth.

I was speaking without thinking. All of my filters were being dismantled, and all that was left was the raw authenticity of my lived experience. He smiled at me, though the grin was not disarming. He had the disposition of a predator about to strike. The fear in me melded with my desire, and I found myself passively accepting another kiss from his lips. His teeth bit into my lower lip, and I felt his hand around my lower back. He slid his grip down to my ass, and pushed his finger down toward my anus.

I moaned, silently, and parted my legs for him subconsciously. The truth of my body was coming out toward him, with or without my consent. The simple observation of my body’s own response to his advances informed me about my true intentions toward the inevitable. I would let this man take me, and I would be as willing and pliable as possible. Our connection had to be governed by whatever divine will oversaw this overwhelming and beautiful reality that now flooded my senses.

“Your body knows what it wants,” he told me, leaning in and breathing sharply toward my left ear.

He kept his fingertip on my asshole for a moment longer, and then drew his hand back to pinch my ass cheek firmly. My fingers found his shoulders, and I allowed myself to stroke his arms. A deep breath prepared me for what was coming. I wasn’t used to this kind of direct sexual energy coming from another man, but in that moment, I knew that there was no turning back. This was part of a movement of events that was larger than myself. I had entered the field of the Now, and this man was here to greet me.

“Right here?” I asked him, a bit of a shudder in my voice.

He leaned back and grinned once more, so I could see my reflection in his pupils.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” he responded.

I could tell the subtext present in his voice. There was a dare in the way that he spoke; something that called me out on a deep level, and challenged me to do something miraculous and out of the ordinary. There was a deep pain in this man — I could feel it. I wanted to touch it, and be touched by him. Intuitively I knew that our interaction was all part of a larger plan. My own insecurities here were nothing more than a test which I would have to confront in order to find that which I was truly longing to discover.

“Let’s take this to the dance floor,” he said, though the statement was more of a command than anything else.

He leaned forward to bite my neck. I gasped while feeling his teeth sink into my skin. His breath was hot, and the moisture of his mouth was decadent. With a softness that could only be felt in juxtaposition to the grating feeling of his teeth, I felt his lips soothe over the marks that left by his teeth. With relish, he slapped me in the ass and then walked away from our position on the roof.

For a moment, I watched him as he headed toward the stairs once more. He looked like he was in command of the entire situation. I wanted to follow him, but the pull was operating on a subconscious level. I had fallen into his orbit, even though the process had not been unnoticed to myself. I was completely aware of my own attraction as well as the potential dangers that went along with my following this man. Fate had given me my instructions.

I followed down the stairs as though a psychic leash was wrapped around my neck.

The crowd was in a roar when I entered the narrow corridor which lead down to the dance floor. I was shocked at how thoroughly insulated the roof top garden had been compared to the dance floor. Both places felt like they were alive. The plants on the roof gave the rooftop a peaceful kind of serenity. The roof garden was equivocal to the mind of a zen buddhist. Entering down the spinal channel of the stairwell, I descended down to the very bottom of the building’s energetic body. Walking down toward the dance floor was like entering miasma of eroticism, energy and passion. The drugs were taking hold. I took a deep breath, as my mind reeled in the richness of my felt experience.

The Dark Star left undone the boundary between the rooftop garden and the dance floor, except that he didn’t bother to fasten it tight once more. Already, as I followed him down, the inhabitants of the dance floor started bleeding upward into the peaceful rooftop garden. The man I followed was a disruptor -- someone who cared little for the way that things were set up in and of themselves. I could tell that this man saw things as a painter does a canvas -- I was simply a three dimensional object to be manipulated as the artist deemed fit.

My thoughts began to grow more abstract. I alternated between expressing the sacred and the obscene. Impulses began to be the only aspect of my reality that held any true meaning. My heartbeat was synced with the hearts of the hundreds of other dancers in the room. Their sweat was my sweat. Our bodies were shared and when I stripped off my jacket and began to move to the music, I felt no shame.

For long moments, I lost the man who had lead me down into that thick ocean of lust and emotion. Thoughts began to no longer strictly belong to myself, and the soundtrack for my own emotions quickly melded into the lyrics of the rave.

“
Ooooooh sometimes… I get a good feeling….“
the lyrics reverberated through my chest cavity.

I began to internalize the beat as well as the overlay phaser. My spine was moving back and forth, and I bounced up and down from my waist. The changes in the music were fluidly translated into the motion of my own body. I bit my lip and got into it. The drive of the speakers and the heat of the crowd were all that I needed. I realized that for so long, I had been like a mystic in the desert. The music and the love that surrounded me was like manna from heaven. The vibes in the room were food for my soul, and I was slowly coming to the realization that I was incredibly undernourished.