Dangerous Temptations (26 page)

“I don’t believe a fucking word of that,” he shot right back, stepping toward me and pinning me to the wall. “You’re scared, Mac. And I don’t blame you for it, but stop pushing me away.”

“I wish it was that easy, Alex.”

I closed my eyes as his hand cupped my face and he brought his lips down to mine. I hesitantly kissed him back, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and pull him closer.

“Please, Mac.” I heard the desperation in his voice as he pulled back slightly. “I can’t stop. My heart can’t stop wanting you.” I knew exactly how he felt. My heart and mind have been fighting for weeks over him.

“The heart wants what it wants…” I said, looking up and seeing the pleading look in his eyes. “I just wish it didn’t want you.”

He placed both of his hands flat against the elevator wall on each side of me and leaned his forehead against mine, our heavy pants mimicking each other. “Don’t say that. You can’t mean that.”

I swallowed, my mind spinning a thousand miles a minute. I was constantly fighting myself with how much I wanted him and how much I wished things were different. “You hurt me,” I explained. “Our entire relationship is based on lies.”

He forcefully pushed himself off the wall and took a step back. I could see his internal struggle as he roughly brushed a hand through his hair, contemplating what to do next. He spun around and looked at the doors that had shut, but we hadn’t moved yet.

“She killed herself,” he finally said, his back to me still.

“What?” I gasped.

“That day I came home early, sick from school. The nanny found her. She had hung herself. By the time she got to her, she was already dead. She called 9-1-1 immediately, but it was too late.”

“Oh my god…” I whispered, clasping a hand over my mouth.

He finally spun around and looked at me, his eyes empty as he continued. “Dad paid them off to not file a report. He then claimed she had been battling cancer and they hadn’t made it public before because she was getting better. He then made up some elaborate lie about how it spread quickly and she ended up dying from kidney failure.” I heard the words he was saying, but they weren’t absorbing. I couldn’t believe William would go through all that trouble to keep his wife’s suicide a secret. “He was ashamed,” he added. “He was worried it’d affect him negatively and people would see him as weak or a failure. He made everyone involved sign an NDA and paid them to stay quiet.”

“And now he holds it against you…” I said, connecting it all together finally. “Spill it and there goes your trust fund.”

He nodded. “There’d been other times growing up he had me sign something, ensuring I kept my mouth shut of all the Lancaster family secrets.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe I bought it. He had me completely fooled.” I was pissed—even more than I was before. However, the only thing I could focus on was how grateful I felt toward Alex. Had he not barged his way into my life, I would’ve married a man who was a complete stranger to me. Alex stepped in front of me, sadness in his features and eyes as he rubbed a hand up my cold arm. “Thank you,” I began. “Thank you for telling me.”

“No more secrets, Mac. No more lies. I promise.” I heard the sincerity in his voice. But a nagging part of me just couldn’t let myself give in.

“I need to go…”

“Let me go with you.”

I shook my head and looked down. “I can’t. Not right now.” I swallowed and looked back up at him. “I’m sorry.”

The elevator dinged and started moving. I braced myself against the wall, knowing someone was going to be entering in just a matter of seconds.

He ended up walking me to my door. “I’m moving in with Staci tomorrow.”

“I know.”

I fidgeted with my key, fighting with myself on what to say to him. “The rumors aren’t going to stop, Alex. Whoever is talking will keep going until they destroy us. The press is now obsessed, and it’s just not something I think I can handle on top of everything else. Just to have some privacy, we’d have to keep everything a secret,
again
.”

“How much time do you need?” he asked, taking me off guard. His tone was deep, gravelly. “Tell me how much time you need to process everything.” He knew I wasn’t comfortable being in the media. And I knew being with him or having any involvement with the Lancaster’s would put me right in the middle of it.

“I don’t know…I don’t know how to get over this pain.” I hated that I couldn’t give him what he was asking, that he was right in front of me begging me to want him, and all I could do was push him away.

He nodded in understanding, taking a step closer and cupping his hand under my jaw. “I’ll wait for you…but if you’d let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you how sorry I am.” His eyes burned into mine, making my entire body tense up as a nervous shiver ran down my spine. “Please…don’t make me wait too long.” My eyes closed as he leaned in and brushed his lips gently over mine. And without another word, he turned around and walked away.

As soon as I went inside, I pressed my body against the door and sunk to the floor. I cried into my knees, my appetite completely gone. All I wanted to do was to crawl back into my bed and sleep all the pain and confusion away.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“So tell me again how he showed up at your hotel—all ready and willing—and you
didn’t
take him back to your room and fuck his brains out?”

I scowled, rolling my eyes at how crass Staci could be. “No…” I grabbed another box of clothes and ripped the top open. I hadn’t told her Alex showed up until a couple days after I moved in and she still hadn’t let it go.

“And he’s left you voicemail messages every night this week just to say goodnight and that he was thinking of you?”

“Yup.”

“And you haven’t called him back?” I felt her scowling at me.

“Nope.” I didn’t doubt that he missed me and a small part of me loved hearing his voice, but I still wasn’t sure I could handle everything the press would throw at us.

“You’ve been moping around here since you moved in, Mac. You miss him.”

“Still doesn’t change anything,” I said blankly.

“Normally, I’d get where you’re coming from, but the engagement is over. The rumors have already been leaked. You weren’t fired. It sounds like a fresh start to me.” She shrugged her shoulders, biting into her pretzel stick as she leaned up against the door frame.

“Even if the entire ‘affair’ was based on lies, secrets, and overall betrayal?”

“That’s why I said a
fresh start
,” she emphasized, smirking. “The dirty laundry has been aired out. So what’s keeping you from finally admitting you love him?”

I nearly choked on her words. “I do not love him.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “You’re so delusional, you know that?”

“I am not. It was
infatuation
,” I explained. “He showed me the attention I wasn’t getting from William, making me feel special and needed. But at the end of it all, both men lied to me, and I betrayed the one man I promised to marry. That’s not exactly a love story.” I snorted in protest.

“Listen, Mac,” she said, grabbing a full box of clothes and sitting on top of it. “I know you grew up in a much different and awful circumstance, but your idea of love is so far-fetched it’s laughable. Things aren’t meant to be perfect. Love
isn’t
perfect. It’s messy and spontaneous and most of the time, you end up wanting to kill each other, but that’s what makes it work. Relationships are all unique. Sometimes they work and sometimes they’re destined to fail from the start, but what you and Alex have…” she paused, her expression genuine as she continued, “Mac, that’s
real
. He’s continuously there for you. He lied about one tiny detail, which, if you think about it, is pretty reasonable considering the position he was in.”

“He still should’ve told me.”

“Yeah…and you should’ve told William a lot sooner. But you didn’t.”

I knew she was right. I was being a hypocrite. I wasn’t perfect and made mistakes, and I was pushing Alex away for the same exact reasons.

I leaned backed on the bed, my back falling flat against the mattress. “So you’re saying I made a huge mistake by letting him walk away?”

“Yes…” she said genuinely. “But if it’s time you need, then take it. I don’t doubt Alex will wait for you.”

I sighed. I knew she was right, but I was scared. “I just ended a long-term engagement,” I started to explain, “and not exactly on good terms. Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to relationships.”

“I don’t think anyone knows what they’re doing, Mac. High divorce rates are proof we all struggle with it, but can you live with yourself if you let the fear keep you away from someone you know you’re meant to be with?”

I turned and narrowed my brows at her. “I’ve known him for like a minute. You haven’t even
met
him, so how can you be so sure of that?”

She smiled at me, her eyes wide and bright with amusement. “Because in the seven years I’ve known you—and I like to think I know you better than anyone—I’ve never seen you check your phone as much as you have this week. And because during your entire relationship with William, I’ve never seen your face light up when you talked about him the way it does when you talk about Alex.” She paused and her expression fell. “Alex gets under your skin. He pushes your boundaries. He tests your limits. He makes you
feel
, Mac. You feel things for him you’ve never felt for anyone before and it scares you. Do you really want to let that go?”

I closed my eyes as I let her words sink in. Times like these were when I wished I had a mother the most. I wish we could’ve sat around and talked about guys and love. I wish I would’ve had an idea about relationships before jumping into one. But if being with William taught me anything, it taught me I was stronger than I realized. Being pushed into the spotlight was never something I imagined having, but it helped teach me a lot about myself.

“I’m going to finish unpacking this box and head to bed,” I said, sitting back up. Tomorrow was Thursday, but since Brittainy’s wedding was this weekend, I was taking Friday off. Which meant, I had about two days’ worth of work to get done in one.

She walked over and wrapped her arms around me. “I love you, Mac. I want to see you happy.”

“I know.” I leaned into her. “I love you, too.”

Once she was gone, I changed and slipped into bed. My head was spinning with thoughts of Alex—what we did together—and how much I missed him. But could I just forget all that and move on? Or would I forever live with the regret that I let the best thing that had ever happened to me get away?

WORK KICKED MY
ass all day Thursday. I barely had enough time to breathe, but the fact I’d be watching one of my best friends get married this weekend helped get me through it all. Staci and I were both bridesmaids and would be in all the pre-wedding and post-wedding duties.

“Rise and shine, buttercup!” I said, throwing a pillow at Staci’s face. “Sleep is for the weak.”

She tossed the pillow from her face and sat up, scrunching her nose at me. “Who are you and what did you do to my best friend? You might know her…five foot six, long blonde hair, perfect body?”

“Are you trying to get me into bed with you?” I winked. “And she’s right here.”

She threw the covers off her and stood up, stretching and yawning. “You are oddly perky.”

“Because, my lovely friend, this weekend is going to be epic. And I don’t want to miss a minute of it.”

“Hmm…” She squinted at me. “Is this you pretending everything’s fine when deep inside it’s not?”

I pointed a finger at her and scowled. “Do not Dr. Phil me. I’m just determined to have a fun time, that’s all. We have mani and pedi appointments today, then the bridesmaid’s luncheon and the rehearsal dinner. I’m going to forget everything and have a good time for Britt’s sake.”

She grinned. “What?” I asked.

“So basically, you mean…getting drunk.”

“Well, yeah. That’s usually how it works.” I smirked.

“All right…” She shrugged playfully. “I’m game for binge drinking.”

We both hurried to get ready. We were meeting Brittainy and the other girls in the wedding party at nine a.m. sharp. We walked in and were immediately greeted with champagne and bagels.

“Breakfast of champions,” I mocked, giving Brittainy a hug.

“There’re donuts, too.” She smiled wide, giddy as ever, and led us to where we’d be getting our nails done. “This is my Aunt Whitney and my cousin, Gabby,” she introduced. “My mother is somewhere around here…” She leaned in and whispered, “Probably finding more alcohol.”

The entire morning was filled with laughs, old stories of Brittainy in high school and college and therapeutic girl time. By the time we had finished, most of us were buzzed and starving. Our lunch reservations were for twelve-thirty and luckily, we made it just in time.

“So, Britt…what are you looking forward to the most on your wedding day?” I asked as we dug into our food.

“The wedding night sex,” she blurted out, smiling. Her mother nearly choked on her wine, and I busted out in laughter. “And I plan to have a lot of sex.”

By the time we finished eating, most of us were walking sideways out of the restaurant. Fortunately, none of us had to drive since Brittainy’s parents rented us a limo, and we all rode back to the church together. Since there’s a Thursday night service, we had to wait until today to decorate for the ceremony.

“Wow…” I breathed out as I sat across from her in the limo. “I can’t believe you’re getting married.”

“I know!” she nearly screamed. “I can’t believe it either. It feels surreal.”

“Well, enjoy it,” Staci chimed in. “It’s going to be the best day of your life.”

Alex entered my mind, and I tried to push him out, but no matter how much alcohol I consumed, I couldn’t. His face. His voice. His lips and how they felt on me.

I pulled my phone out and looked again. He hadn’t left me a voicemail last night. It was stupid for caring, especially since I hadn’t called him back from his previous five messages, but the fact that he was leaving them comforted me.

Maybe I was too late.

I BARELY HAD
enough time to recover from the Friday wedding events before we had to get up and start prepping for the wedding. We spent most of rehearsal giggling and drinking as we waited for the groom to show up. Apparently, he was having a last-minute bachelor gathering and had to be dragged out of the strip club.

This family drank like a pro.

By the time our makeup and hair were done, it was time to take bridesmaid pictures. Brittainy looked absolutely stunning and I’ve never seen her happier.

“You look so beautiful.” I smiled as her mom locked her grandmother’s necklace around her neck. It was her something old.

“You do, too, Mac.” She reached out and grabbed my hands. “Thank you for being here. Thank you for being in my wedding and getting me through this. I’ve been so stressed out about everything, it was nice to just laugh and let loose for a few hours.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

“All right, ladies. We need you outside for pictures quick,” the photographer announced, pointing to the door.

We spent the next hour posing for pictures. I watched quietly nearby as she took several alone and then with her parents. She looked so happy, so gorgeous. I had almost everything picked out for my wedding, including my wedding dress, and now it would just sit. I had no use for it and that thought made me sad.

Perhaps I just wasn’t the marrying kind. I had absolutely no examples of what a marriage was growing up, and I wasn’t even sure I’d be any good at it.

The wedding ceremony was absolutely stunning. I cried as they said their vows and again when they had their first kiss. Her new husband, Oliver, was the absolutely best guy in the world for her, and I felt incredibly blessed to witness their union.

“Stop crying.” Staci nudged me, grabbing my attention, as she handed me a glass of wine.

“I’m not crying because I’m sad,” I explained, grabbing the glass. “I’m really happy for her.” She sat down next to me as we watched the newlyweds dance to their first song.

“You’re crying because you were supposed to have that and now you aren’t.”

“I always thought William was it for me—the whole fairytale. But I really just wanted someone who got me. Who loved me for all my broken pieces and helped me be a better person. When I met William, I forgot that. I forgot it because he was never around. And somehow, in the midst of our relationship, I just accepted he wasn’t.”

“You aren’t broken, Mac. We all have flaws,” she reassured.

I shrugged, knowing she was partially right. My head felt like a tornado had blown through it. I wanted Alex, but I wasn’t certain the damage done could be repaired. I didn’t know if taking the risk of getting hurt by him again was something I’d be able to recover from again.

“You miss him.” Her voice was soft, genuine, and low.

I nodded, sipping my champagne. “Yes,” I whispered just loud enough so she could hear me. “So much that it’s starting to be physically painful from how much my chest aches when I think about him.”

“You are the queen of denial, Mac, but you can’t deny how he makes you feel. And even though I’ve never met him in person, I can tell by the way y
ou talk
about him he just isn’t going to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind.” She flashed me a knowing grin.

“I know…” I said harshly, keeping my head down.

She stayed silent a moment before asking, “I’m going to grab some cake. Want some?”

“No, thanks.” I forced a smile in return.

I continued sitting and finishing the rest of my champagne when the dance floor cleared and the start of
How Do I Live
came on through the speakers. I narrowed my brows in confusion and looked around, wondering where everyone was going.

My heart throbbed in my chest as soon as I saw Alex walking across the dance floor toward me. He looked incredible in a sleek, black tuxedo. His hair was perfectly styled and his mouth looked delicious as he flashed me his legendary shit-eating grin. It felt like my breath was being sucked out of me the closer he got.