Dangerously Safe (7 page)

“No, Chris!”

“That asshole had his hand on your ass!” He could feel the blood pumping through his veins. Just one punch into that kid’s face and he’d be able to let the incident go.

Hannah’s hand made contact with his chest, and she pushed him back. He resisted. “What are you doing?” she spat, frowning.

“He can’t just put his hands on you, Hannah. You’re with me, now.”

Her face paled, and she stilled. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again only to focus on the floor.

“You are with me now, aren’t you, Hannah?”

She jutted her hip out and put her hand on it. “I’m not with anybody, Chris. I don’t want to be with anybody. No one owns me.”

His mouth dried up, and he swallowed. “What do you mean, you’re not with anybody? And nobody said anything about owning you, so can cut that bullshit out now.”

She pursed her lips. “I mean I’m not with anybody. You’re fun, you know? What we do is great, but it doesn’t mean anything. Right?”

He staggered backwards as if she’d thrown a punch into his gut. She might as well have. Her words had the same effect. A punch might not have hurt as much.

“I can’t do this, Hannah.” His voice came out much calmer than he felt.

Her eyes darted to his face. “Can’t do what?”

“I can’t be your boy-toy. Friends with benefits. Whatever you want to call it. I love you, Hannah. It has to be all or nothing, or it won’t work.” He’d never been closer to tears, but part of him remained numb. The shock of what was happening could kill him.

“Nothing?” Her eyes filled. “You’re my friend, Chris. We’ll always be friends, right?”

He shook his head. “All or nothing, Hannah. We crossed a line. And even though you don’t want to admit it to yourself, it’s incredible. Better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. I love you. I want to be with you. But it can’t be this way. It’s too … cheap.”

“But … I … I was drunk!” she shouted.

He didn’t care that the two college guys and Roxy had given them their undivided attention. “Even back in Roxy’s office? You were drunk just now?”

Roxy coughed a little too loudly, but he ignored her. “You’re telling me that you had no idea what you were doing back there with me?” He’d lowered his voice to a whisper and wished it hadn’t sounded so desperate.

Hannah wrung her hands and glanced at Roxy before closing her eyes. “I just wanted to be with you like that again, Chris. ‘Cause you’re right. It is great. But it was no big deal.”

“It was a big deal to me. I can’t do this, Hannah. I love you, but you’re obviously not on the same page as me or just unwilling to get there. Either way, I’m done. It’s over. We’re done.” He choked on the last two words. “I’ve got to go.”

Hannah’s hand brushed his arm as he passed by, but he didn’t stop. If he had, she would have seen the tears streaming down his face. His heart broke with each step he took away from the woman he loved, and there was nothing he could do to change a damn thing.

Hannah threw her keys onto the countertop just inside her apartment door before collapsing on the creaky futon. What the hell had she done?

She loved Chris. There was no question about it. She knew, it. Apparently even he knew it, too.

Yet she couldn’t give him what he wanted. Better yet, she couldn’t believe what he wanted. He wanted a relationship with her. He said he loved her. He wanted to be with her.

Why wouldn’t her heart let her accept that and dive in head first?

Tears stung her eyes, and she bit her upper lip. She knew why she pushed him away.

Her heart defined messed up. She feared rejection, pain, betrayal, and a hundred other things most people seemed to be able to manage in their own life. There was a reason her parents would tell her no one would want her. She was fucked up beyond all reason.

Why couldn’t she just let him have her heart? She wanted to give it to him. It wasn’t like she would ever consider giving it to anyone else. Chris was her rock. She loved him. Why did she want to sabotage the chance to have him?

She pounded her fist into the cushion. Everyone else around her had been able to find someone special to trust and give their hearts to even if it was for just a little while.  Hell, she’d given Chris her heart until he said he actually wanted it.

That’s where it got risky. She could give it to him when she was in control. That’s why last night had seemed like a great plan. She’d been drunk; therefore she wasn’t responsible. Then she’d gone and messed it up tonight.

She couldn’t resist him. He’d gotten close, getting her to let go enough to experience passion and pleasure again. She’d been a goner.

Both times with Chris lit up parts of her she’d kept dormant for years. Sex with him was amazing. The thought of loving him with all of her heart felt even better. But if she knowingly gave her heart to Chris, he would be the one calling the shots. He could hurt her.

No. He could destroy her.

She shouldn’t have had the whiskey. The wonderfully warm liquid had blurred the line between fantasy and reality. It had given her permission to entertain ideas she never would have without it. 

Too bad she couldn’t be buzzed all of the time. Then she’d have the courage to take what she wanted, and she wanted Chris.

Her head plopped on the back of the futon, and she stared at the ceiling. She wondered if she’d see Chris at the bar tomorrow night. What if he didn’t show up? What if he never came into the bar again? What if he really meant things were done with them?

She sat upright with her face twisted, tears streaming down her cheeks. The thought of never seeing Chris again hadn’t occurred to her before his parting words. She didn’t want to believe it might actually happen.

Could it really be the end? Had she pushed him too far?

The way her life looked without Chris appeared dark and empty in her mind. Is that what she really wanted? Was saving herself from the possibility of getting hurt worth no life with him at all?

Terror washed over her, and she shivered. She licked her lips and chewed her bottom lip. If she went over to Chris’s right now and apologized, the worst that could happen is things wouldn’t work out in the long run. Instead of just losing him for good now, she might even hate him if they broke up down the road.

Chris would rather have her hate him than not give their relationship a shot. And so would she. It couldn’t hurt any more than what she felt right then. She couldn’t help but grin.

The drive to Chris’s only took five minutes. She lived above the bar, and there wasn’t anyone driving in their neighborhoods at three in the morning. His house was dark, so she almost missed the car parked behind his truck in the driveway. It was Ariel’s little red coupe.

****

“You mind going back to throwin’ darts, honey?”

Hannah narrowed her eyes at Roxy as she slammed another glass onto the bar. She met her glare with one that let her know she was on thin ice.

“Fine,” she mumbled. The dish towel smacked when she whacked her on the butt with it while walking away. She heard her yelp and chuckle. At least she was enjoying herself.

God, her arms felt heavy, and her feet dragged when she moved away from the bar. Seeing Ariel’s car parked in Chris’s driveway set too much devastation on her heart. She barely remembered the drive home, and the sun was high in the sky before she finally ran out of tears and succumbed to her exhaustion.

She was furious with Chris. The bastard proclaimed his love for her and that he wanted all or nothing just hours before shacking up with his ex. Not cool. So not cool.

It sucked that she blamed herself, too. She never should have considered a relationship. Even with Chris. It always ended in heartache. She’d seen it go down as she grew up and heard about it from customers on a regular basis.

What the hell had she been thinking? At least the night before she could blame the alcohol. Last night was all on her.

The jukebox sat silent against the wall. She strode over, reached into her pocket for change and selected a song. She nodded her head once as
“Love Stinks” filled the bar.

College guys peppered the bar, and she swung her hips to the music as she weaved around the vacant tables to wipe them clean. On any other night, a few of the guys would hit on her and she’d consider the possibilities of whether or not they were worth a quick lay.

She must have had an aura on the outside as toxic as she felt on the inside. No one bothered her until she reached the last table. Someone placed their hands on her hips and stopped their movements.

Hannah whirled on her offender with her fists raised in the air thinking it was one of the dumb ass college kids. She dropped them, and her posture deflated. Chris stood facing her with his hands up in the air surrendering before the battle even started.

“Whoa, there, Trigger.” The corner of his mouth pulled up until she crossed her arms and stared him down. His lips drooped into a frown in no time.

Chris leaned closer. “Can we talk somewhere private?”

Seriously? The son-of-a-bitch shacked up with his ex last night just hours after proclaiming his love to her. He didn’t deserve time or privacy.

“Go away, Chris. Everything was said that needed to be said last night.” She brushed past him and wished the contact didn’t make her ache to feel his naked skin against hers. The tears stinging her eyes weren’t helping either.

He wrapped his hand around her arm, and she whipped it out of his grasp so fast her shoulder hurt. “Don’t you
dare
touch me.” She said a silent prayer of thanks that the calm in her voice didn’t betray the rage and grief swirling on her insides.

Chris stepped back and ran his hands through his hair. “What’s going on, Hannah? You don’t have just a minute to talk to me?”

“Nope.” She turned on her heels and marched back to the jukebox. It was time to pick another song.

“Fine.” She could feel his breath move her hair. “Then maybe you’ll just listen.”

She punched in the combination for the song,
Love Hurts
, side-stepped him, and power walked behind the bar. Roxy stood against the liquor shelf along the back wall with her arms folded and eyebrows raised. She ignored her.

A stool at the bar clattered and then scraped along the floor. He’d followed her.

“Rox. I need to get out of here for a while. You got the bar?” She matched her stance and waited while she looked at her and then Chris over and over again.

“Do you need to leave, or is it him,” she paused to tilt her head in Chris’ direction, “who needs to leave?”

Heaven help her, the tears spilled over before she even knew they were coming. “Him, please,” she whispered as she grabbed a clean towel for her face.

“Time you found somewhere else to drink, Chris.”

The seconds ticked by, but she didn’t hear the stool move. She dared a peek over her shoulder.
Damn it.

All of the color had drained from Chris’s face, and he flinched when she looked back at him. He shook his head in a slow, disbelieving shake before sliding to the floor and walking out of the bar.

“You sure about what just happened?” Roxy placed a hand on her shoulder. The gesture was too sympathetic for her raw emotions.  Hannah lost control and let out a sob.

No one bothered her during the mad dash to the ladies’ room where she burst through the door and locked it behind her. Screw anyone who needed to use it. They’d have to go to the men’s room. There was no way she could go to Roxy's office.

She slid down the door onto the floor and drew up her knees. How dare he come in here and try to talk to her! He had to know she was on to his game.

All these years she thought she knew Chris, but last might
had made it obvious he was just another one of the guys. If one quick lay wasn’t available, just move on to the next slut willing to open her legs.

That’s what her father had done for years. When her mother was sober enough to confront him about it, he’d just smack her around until she’d turned to the bottle again.

She’d had her head in the clouds about love and how she would never be like her parents until her senior year in high school. The star football player had asked her out. For four years, they’d been friendly, but on the last day of school he’d asked her to hang out at his house.

Little did she know that she’d been selected as the lucky girl who would be lured into his basement where he and a bunch of his football buddies were waiting to hold her down and force themselves on her. She’d never forget the terror of being held down on the pool table while huge, strong hands ripped at her clothes and touched her in ways no one had done before.

Chris had gotten there just in time. He’d heard through gossip about the plans and raced to her rescue. His deep, steady voice shouting, “Stop or I’ll shoot!” and the sound of the hammer clicking on the gun remained with her now.

She’d thought Chris was different. He’d fooled her into thinking he was one of the good guys.

Now everything had gone to hell. Her worst fear had come true. She’d lost her best friend. She’d also lost the tiny shred of hope she’d had that there might be a chance for her to find true love after all.