Daniel's Gift (22 page)

"You can't make love work, Jenny. You can't fit a round screw into a square peg. I would think you, of all people, would know that."

She looked away. "If you're talking about Alan and me, I know we're different, but he's a good man, and Danny needs a father. Besides, I know that Alan will never hurt me."

Richard shook his head, hating to see her settle for less than she deserved. "He can't hurt you, because you don't love him enough."

"That's not true."

"I remember you and Luke. I remember that summer you were together. There was so much electricity between the two of you, I thought you'd set our house on fire. I've never seen you look at Alan the way you looked at Luke. Have you even slept with him yet?"

"Richard!" Jenny looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was listening to their conversation.

"We're both adults, Jenny. You used to have so much passion."

"Yes, and look where that got me. I'm not eighteen years old anymore. I don't look at any man the way I looked at Luke. But Luke is only around now because he found out about Danny. There's nothing between us, and there won't be ever again."

The elevator beeped in protest at being stalled too long.

"I never realized that you are just like Merrilee, not until this very moment," Richard said.

"What do you mean by that?"

"She only sees what she wants to see -- and so do you."

The elevator doors closed, and Jenny was left staring at her own reflection. Richard's words ran through her mind, taunting her, tormenting her. Not that he was right. He was absolutely wrong. She would never be with Luke again. She would never open herself up to that kind of pain.

But what about Alan? Was she being fair to him?

They hadn't made love yet. They had come close a few times, but something had always held her back -- a late night, an early morning work schedule, Danny ...

It wasn't that she didn't desire Alan. She just didn't feel that desperate, reckless passion of her youth that had made her put sex above the mundane chores of life. Since Danny's birth, she could count on one hand the number of men she had made love with. She could barely remember their faces.

The elevator opened in front of her, empty and waiting. Subconsciously, she had pushed the button. Jenny looked back over her shoulder, down the hall toward Danny's room, then back at the elevator. She needed to take a break, and after a moment's thought she knew just where to go.

The babies were settling down for the night, tucked into their blankets so tightly they could barely move. Jenny leaned against the nursery window and looked at each and every one. The Jefferson baby was big and bald. The Lucchesi baby was skinny with a pink rash on his face. The Peschi baby sucked avidly on a pacifier, and the Sterling baby screamed continuously.

A nurse picked up the crying baby and pushed a bottle of sugar water into his mouth. The baby looked startled, then began to suck, his tiny hands flailing against the bottle, as if he wanted to pour it down his throat.

"Which one looks like Danny?"

Jenny didn't have to turn around to know that Luke was behind her. "None of them. That one eats like him though."

"I wish I could have seen him when he was a baby."

Jenny tensed. "You made your choice."

"How big was he?"

"Eight pounds, two ounces."

"Any hair?"

"Not a strand."

"I was bald, too."

"Danny looks like you. He always has." Jenny glanced at Luke. "It used to make me mad. I was the one who had him, who got up in the middle of the night and changed his diapers -- but he had to look like you."

"What did you tell him about me?"

"The truth."

Luke nodded. "I should have figured. I don't think you ever lied to me. Although when you left, I really did think you'd get an abortion."

"I couldn't get rid of our baby." Jenny pressed her fingertips against the glass in front of her, feeling the same pain she had felt thirteen years earlier when she had first considered that option. "Whatever you felt for me -- at that moment in time I loved you, and Danny was a part of that love -- the best part." She changed the subject. "How did you know I was here?"

"When I was in medical school, I used to go to the nursery when things got intense. It helps to remember that good things can happen in hospitals as well as bad."

Luke leaned against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his casual slacks, the sleeves on his navy blue sweater pushed up to the elbows. He looked tired, as if he hadn't had a good night's sleep in two days. That thought made Jenny smile. He deserved a few lost nights of sleep. She had had too many to count.

"The last time I was here was when I had Danny," Jenny said. "I remember the long night when I tried desperately to breastfeed -- the loneliness, the fear of not getting it right. Yet, it was a happy time. I was surrounded by joy. I wasn't even aware there was anything else going on in this hospital but babies being born." She paused. "I guess being in a hospital is like a second home to you."

"Actually, I haven't spent much time in hospitals since I got out of medical school. I've spent the last few years in a lab behind a microscope. Now, I find myself sitting in an executive office with a view of the bay."

"Just what you always wanted, and your parents, too. They must be proud of you." She paused, reminded again of how he had chosen his parents' dreams over hers. "I need to get back to Danny."

Jenny walked down the hall toward the elevator. Luke kept pace alongside her. Jenny was torn between wanting him to go and wanting him to stay. To have him back in her life after so many years took a little getting used to.

"We need to talk, Jenny," Luke said as they waited for the elevator.

"About what?"

"I spent a few hours on the phone today, speaking to other physicians about Danny. I'd like to fly in Dr. Paul Buckley from the Mayo Clinic. He's the top neurosurgeon in the country."

Jenny looked at him in surprise. "Why?"

"To get a second opinion."

"Do you know something I don't know, Luke?" She grabbed his arm. "That's it, isn't it? You're a doctor, and they told you that Danny is not -- is not going to -- " She stopped as Luke put a finger against her lips.

"Sh-sh," he whispered. "Don't say it."

"You have to tell me the truth."

"Danny's in a coma. That's the truth."

"People come out of comas."

"Of course they do. I just want to make sure Danny has the best care available."

"I want that, too."

"Then I'll call Buckley in the morning."

"That's going to cost money, Luke. I don't know what my insurance will cover."

"I'll pay."

"I don't want you to pay." She looked away from him. "I'll find a way to pay for it."

"Don't be stupid, Jenny."

She bristled with anger as she glared at him. "I'm not stupid. Danny is my son. My responsibility."

"Mine, too."

Jenny searched his face for answers to the sudden change in his personality. "Why now, Luke? Why do you care now? You don't know Danny at all."

"I want to know him. I'm older, Jenny. I'd like to think I'm a little wiser. I made a mistake. A big one. I shouldn't have told you to get an abortion. I was -- "

"Scared," she finished. "I was scared, too. When I told my father, he kicked me out of the house. I had to live with Merrilee and Richard."

"I'm sorry."

"I was eighteen years old. I had a high school education, no job and no money."

"You had five hundred dollars."

She smiled bitterly. "I threw it in the ocean on my way home from your house. It was stupid and impractical, but it gave me enormous pleasure."

Luke sighed. "I can accept the fact that you hate me. Logically, I know I've given you good reason to feel the way you do."

"And you're always logical. That's what broke us up in the first place."

"You knew from the beginning I was leaving."

"I didn't know how much it would hurt."

"Neither did I."

She sniffed in disgust. "Oh, come on. You didn't look sad the day you left. You looked exuberant. You were starting an exciting adventure in your life, and you didn't want or need me in it. As it turns out, I had my own adventure. I had a child. I had Danny, and he means more to me than anything in this world."

They got on the elevator with two other people and were silent until they reached the next floor. As they stepped out, Luke turned to Jenny. "I'm going to get Buckley here tomorrow if I can. We'll bring in other specialists and run as many tests as necessary. Tomorrow I'll assign two of my researchers to go over the medical data available on head injuries and comas. I won't leave anything to chance. Lowenstein is a good doctor, one of the best, but he's not infallible."

Jenny stared at him as he continued to outline his plan of attack. He was taking control, steamrolling over her, the way he had always done. She wanted to fight back, but she couldn't do that. She had to swallow her pride -- for Danny's sake.

"Lastly, I want to be able to visit Danny whenever I can," Luke finished.

Jenny shook her head. "No. You're going too fast for me." She started to walk away.

"Too fast?" Luke grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around. "Too fast? The woman who drove eighty miles an hour down the hairpin curves of Highway 1 thinks I'm going too fast?"

"That was a lifetime ago. I'm a grown-up now, with responsibilities. This isn't just me we're talking about. Ifs Danny. My son."

"Our son." He paused. "You've had him all to yourself for twelve years. Okay, that's the way you thought I wanted it. That's over and done with. But today, right now, is what I'm concerned about. Please, give me this time to be with Danny. I need to be with my son."

Jenny looked at Luke for a long moment, studying the sincerity in his eyes, the desperation in his voice, the longing. It was the last that did it for her. The fact that Luke didn't just want to see Danny, but that he needed to see him, reminded her of how much her son had needed to know his father.

"What about your wife?" she asked, trying to find a good reason why she should deny him access to Danny. "Your parents never liked me. They won't want Danny to be your son. They won't want him to be their grandson. Have you told them yet?"

"Not yet, but I will. Your family never liked me either, Jenny. This isn't about them. It's about us."

"Us?" The word cut her so deeply, Jenny gasped from the pain. "Us? There is no us."

"There was and always will be an us, because we're tied together by our son. We made him together."

"But I had him alone, Luke. And I've raised him alone. You gave up your rights a long time ago."

"I could sue you for custody," Luke said abruptly. "I could force you to let me in there. I don't want to do that."

"Why the hell not?" she asked, furious at his power play. "You've always taken what you wanted and left what you didn't. Not anymore. This time, I'm in charge. I decide. I make the plans."

"You? Plan? You never planned beyond your next meal."

"I was never sure I'd have enough money to pay for my next meal," she said, her voice rising with agitation.

"That's bullshit, Jenny. You always lived for the moment. It was who you were."

"It's not who I am now. I'm not a foolish young girl, Luke. I'm a mother, and I'm in charge of Danny's care. I will take your advice because you're a doctor. I will listen to your suggestions, and dammit to hell, I will even take your money, because Danny means more to me than pride."

"And I can see him?" Luke persisted.

"Yes. Because Danny wanted to know you. That's why he went to see you. That's why he got hurt. He doesn't respond to my voice." Her tone trembled as the sadness ripped through her. "Maybe he'll respond to yours. Maybe the desire to talk to you will be so strong that it will pull him out of this place that he's gone to. But I call the shots, you got that?"

Luke nodded, feeling a sudden admiration for the woman before him. He had always been drawn to her laughter, her imagination, her joy, but he didn't remember her courage or her strength. Perhaps those qualities had developed later, born of maturity, born of Danny.

Jenny stopped at the double doors leading to ICU. "Are you coming?"

It was the same question she had asked him years ago. Then she had offered a simple swim in the moonlight, the beginning of their relationship. Tonight it was quite possibly the beginning of a relationship with his son.

"I'm coming," he said.

* * *

Alan pushed the button on the remote control, speeding through the Sunday night movies, the sports channel, and CNN. Nothing caught his attention. He kept thinking about Jenny. He had spent the afternoon with her and part of the evening, but to be honest he had gotten tired of the hospital, of her total absorption in her son, and her withdrawal from him.

The accident was driving them apart instead of bringing them together. He always seemed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But then, he hadn't had much experience with women. As the oldest of four boys, he had been surrounded by males, and his mother had been a tough, no-nonsense woman who didn't put much effort into nurturing. As far as she was concerned, just giving her boys life was enough.