Dark Blue: Study in Seduction, Book 1 (28 page)

“Is there any reason for me not to?”

“I suppose not. I stole your husband, and I’ve sent you poison-pen letters. I’d hate me too but…” She paused, her eyes pleading. “I know I shouldn’t have done it, and I know you could go to the police.”

“I don’t want to do that!”

“Then, please, listen to me.” Rose stopped in the street and wrung her hands.

Carla rounded on her. “That’s why I’m here. Why did you send those spiteful messages? And why now—so long after Stephen’s death?”

“I think it would be better if we talked about this at the house.”
 

Carla hesitated. If Rose was disturbed enough to send the letters, maybe going into her home wasn’t a good idea.

Fergus ran back to them and tugged his mum’s hand. “Mummy? Why have you stopped here? Hurry up, I want my dinner.”

Carla made a decision. Rose could hardly do anything in front of her son.

She nodded. “Okay.”

Rose let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

Back at the cottage, Rose showed Carla into a small kitchen.

“I’m sorry if I made trouble for you and your new boyfriend,” she began, clutching her hands nervously.

“It’s a bit too late for that, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right. I’m… ” She threw a tight smile at her son, who was tugging at her sweater. “Fergus, I’ll get your dinner in a little while, after I’ve spoken to Carla. Until then, why don’t you go and play in the conservatory?”
 

After a brief pout, Fergus was mollified by a drink of juice and a cookie, and trotted off into the conservatory to play with some toy cars.

Rose pointed to a chair. “Please, sit down.”

Carla took a seat at the kitchen table, amazed at Rose’s politeness—and her own composure. This was the woman who’d caused her sleepless nights? Were they just being British, or was the situation simply too overwhelming for them both? A bizarre sense of calm had descended on her, probably a blanket of self-preservation at coming face-to-face with the woman who had taken everything she’d once loved and wanted.

Except, of course, Alex. She’d lost him all on her own.

“Fergus looks a lot like Stephen.” Carla clenched her fists under the table to try to stop her hands from trembling.

“I know he does.”

“Why did you send the notes?”

Rose shut her eyes briefly as if she wanted to blank out what she’d done. “I am so sorry. It was petty and cruel, and I’m ashamed of sending them. You know, I think I must have wanted you to find out.”

“I thought as much. That’s why you sent the last message on Fergus’s notepaper, isn’t it?”

Rose threw her hands over her face. “Yes. Oh God, I am so sorry.”

“What did you hope to get from sending them?” Carla’s voice was sharper now, her veneer of patience cracking. “Was it money?”

“No! I’d shoot myself if you thought I wanted that.”

Carla had so many questions, she barely knew where to start. “So how did you know about me and Alex? From your other notes, I’m guessing you know exactly who he is?”

“I knew all about you going to Oxford from the local paper. When you got your exam results and place there, it was in the newspaper—remember?”

Carla recalled the little piece her colleagues had written about their sub-editor getting a place at Oxford. “So you knew the college and what I was studying. My God,” she said.

Rose clasped her hands guiltily. “I’m ashamed to say I did follow you, and after that, circumstances just conspired to make me…behave even worse than I already had. I couldn’t cope when Stephen died. I was pregnant with Fergus, and I fell apart.”

“You weren’t on your own.” Carla couldn’t hide her bitterness. “Did Stephen know about the baby?”

Rose shook her head. “No, and that was the worst part. I know you think I had no right to grieve for him, but I loved Stephen too. When he died, I felt like I’d shattered into pieces, but I had no right to publicly mourn him or come to the funeral. Only the thought of Fergus kept me alive. I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me, but in the hope you’ll understand…”

“What? That you decided to make me suffer too? And Alex?” Carla spoke more harshly than she’d meant to.

“I
did
want you to suffer. You see, I broke up with my partner a few months ago…”

“Was he married too?” Carla regretted the words as soon as they were out.

Rose shook her head. “No, he wasn’t married. I thought we could make a life together and he would be a father to Fergus. It’s tough bringing up a child on your own, you know.”

“I don’t, but I wish I’d had the chance,” said Carla.

When Rose lowered her hands, her cheeks were wet with tears. She looked completely desperate, and finally Carla’s heart softened a little. “When I first found Stephen’s letters and your photos, I hated you. I can’t lie, but I don’t hate you. Not now, not even for sending the notes.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did hate me. I know that finding out about Fergus must be a terrible shock. I wasn’t thinking straight. My ex, Gav, came round this morning and took the rest of his stuff. I guess it was the last straw. I’ve lost everything!”

Except Fergus
. “How did you find out about Alex and me?” she asked, trying to stay calm.

“A few months ago, just after Gav had ended things between us I had a business contract based in Oxford. I wasn’t in a good place back then, and Gav leaving only reminded me of what I could have had with Stephen. Please believe that I didn’t set out to hurt you. In fact, I’d almost decided to come clean and tell you about Fergus.”

Almost? Carla shook her head, unable to speak as the silence hung between them for a few seconds.

“I actually stopped outside the college as the students came back from lectures, hoping to spot you and tell you the truth then,” said Rose. “You didn’t turn up that time but on my next visit, I was driving to an early meeting, and I saw you come out of a guy’s house round the corner from St Cuthbert’s. You kissed him good-bye and then left alone. I couldn’t resist following you to your hostel and then to the college.”
 

Carla couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You followed us!”

Rose swallowed hard then went on. “You waited outside the lodge for a little while, and then I saw the man come out, wearing a gown. I guessed he was a lecturer or don and that you were sleeping with him. I know it sounds crazy and selfish, but I felt you were disrespecting Stephen’s memory somehow by seeing this guy.”

“Me disrespecting Stephen? For God’s sake, how could you think that?”

Tears streamed down Rose’s face. “It seems mad now, but Gav walking out on us tipped me over the edge. I wasn’t thinking in any rational way. I truly regret what I did.”

Carla spotted a box of tissues on the end of the table and pushed the box towards Rose, torn between anger and pity for the woman. “Here. Don’t let Fergus see how upset you are.”

After Rose had wiped her eyes, Carla steeled herself to hear more. “Go on.”

“When I got home, I looked up your boyfriend’s photograph on the college website and realised he was your tutor. I put two and two together. Like I said, I guess I’d never fully grieved for or got over Stephen, and I admit I was envious of you being happy. I guessed that you and this tutor were having an affair and that you probably shouldn’t be. I’m not proud of myself. I’m deeply sorry. I’ve been having counselling since Gav left, and I ought to be feeling stronger by now. I thought I was, and I wouldn’t have come round with today’s note if Gav hadn’t been here this morning.”

Rose made a pathetic sight, her nose running and eyes rimmed with red.
 

“I don’t know what to say. This is still much too raw for me.”
Again
. “I need time to come to terms with it,” said Carla.

Rose scrunched the tissue up in her hand. “Can
you
tell me something now? Did you let Stephen’s friends and family know he’d been having an affair?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“My God. Why not?”

“What was the point? Would it have lessened their grief? It didn’t lessen mine. It made it worse. I wanted to let them know that Stephen had been seeing you, because I wanted to share the load, but I never did. As time went by, I dealt with it and now…I have a new life, Rose.”

She did, just not with Alex.

Tears trickled down Rose’s cheeks again. Carla grabbed a handful of tissues and handed them over, pity overcoming her disgust for what Rose had done. The woman was a wreck. “Here.”

“Thanks.” Rose blew her nose noisily, making Fergus glance up briefly before his toys claimed his attention again. Carla’s stomach twisted with renewed loss. He was the image of Stephen.

“Don’t you think Stephen’s parents should know they have grandson?”
 

Rose sniffed. “Yes, I suppose so. They’ll be shocked.”

“At first they will, of course, but don’t you realise how much they’d love to know about him? It would give them incredible comfort. You can’t deny that to them. I’d want to know if it was my grandson.” Saying that felt like stabbing her own heart. “Even my own parents would want to know. I should have told them about you from the start and contacted you. I was too angry and hurt and ashamed of being cheated on by Stephen.”

“Not as ashamed as I am. I don’t expect you to believe me, but I’m glad you came here.”

“And the notes?”

Rose’s face was anguished again. “You won’t go to the police, will you?”

“Not if you stop.”

Carla doubted the police would take any action, and she didn’t want to tip Rose any further over the edge, for Fergus’s sake as much as anyone’s. She could barely speak anymore as the reality of finally confronting Rose and seeing Fergus hit home. She was shocked and hurt but also realised that someone else in her life now had the power to hurt her far more than Rose or Stephen—Alex.
 

Fergus appeared at the table. “Mummy, when can I have my chips?”

Rose scooped him into her lap. “Soon, darling. I promise.”

Carla got up. “I think I should leave.”

Rose didn’t argue. Her shoulders slumped with of relief. “I’ll show you out.”

At the door, she turned to Carla again. “I’m sorry, not for ever loving Stephen, because that would be a lie, and he gave me Fergus. I regret how badly you were hurt and that you found out about us in the way you did, and for sending the notes.” She bit her lip anxiously. “Oh shit, put like that, I sound like I deserve to roast in hell. You might not believe me, but I hope you can move on as I’m trying to, even though it doesn’t feel like I ever will right now. You’ve got your new man. I could see you were crazy about each other in Oxford. I’m envious, actually. I hope I haven’t ruined things for you.”

“You haven’t ruined anything with me and Alex,” said Carla truthfully.
We’ve done that all on our own.

Rose dug a card out a tote bag on the hall table. “Here’s my mobile number,” she said, pressing it on Carla. “If you want me to meet Stephen’s family, I will.”

Unable to speak anymore and fighting back tears herself, Carla nodded. The reality of what she’d just heard and seen was about to swing down on her like a great iron fist. All she wanted now was to be out of the house as fast as possible.

Somehow, she drove back home. Once she got inside, she sat on the stairs, her head in her hands. She’d thought she wanted to be alone to get over Alex and to deal with what she’d just discovered, but it wasn’t what she needed. What she needed was his strong arms around her, his voice guiding her and his body pressed against hers. She wanted someone to take away the burden of all the pain and responsibility, because right now she felt as if she would break.

She wanted Alex’s arms. Alex’s voice. Alex’s body.

And they were gone.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Alex stopped the bike in the lay-by at the side of the river and stared down at the water eddying gently. Punts slid under the arch, their occupants laughing and drinking Pimms. He pulled off his helmet. Although it was early October, the sun was still warm on his head. It was that glorious and all too brief interval before the new term started, a time of excitement and apprehension with new people and experiences ahead—for tutors as well as students.

Today he felt as if his life was on hold, with no prospect of ever starting again.

He’d thought he was doing the right thing for Carla and that setting her free was the noble and brave thing to do. He’d thought he couldn’t love her how she wanted him to—commit to a forever and children.

His own childhood had been far from perfect. His father had been a bastard all round to his wife and to his sons. Alex’s mother had been cool and distant. She’d given everything he could have expected of her—food, a home, a good education—but precious little of what he’d really needed—comfort, warmth and love. Unlike Carla, who was overflowing with all of those things and would make a wonderful mother to his children.

His children. Their children.

He’d thought about Rana’s words again and again that afternoon. They’d shown him a chink of light, or perhaps only pointed him along the path he desperately wanted to take anyway. He could try to be what Carla needed. He wanted to love her, so why didn’t he just go ahead and start doing it? Nothing could ever have prepared him for how much he missed her. Losing her was like having a limb cut off, leaving him only pain.