Dark Ghost (22 page)

“Oh, God. No. No. No, no, no.” She shook her head, panic filling her. “I didn’t. Tell me right now, I didn’t take your blood.”

“Be calm, Teagan,” Andre advised. “You need to be calm and accept what I am telling you. It simply is. There is no good or bad. It just is. This is my life. Now our life.”

She shook her head. “Not mine. I do not drink blood. Are you kidding me?” Her voice was swinging out of control. “I drank your blood once?” Her stomach lurched and she pressed a hand tightly against it.

“Twice,” he said calmly. “It takes three blood exchanges for you to come fully into my world.”

This couldn’t be happening. She really was batty. Completely around the bend. Grandma Trixie had infected her with some brain disease. They were all crazy. She belonged in a hospital. She tried again to pull away from Andre, but he held her firmly.

“Breathe. You need to breathe,
sivamet
. It is simply a fact of our lives.”

“Not
my
life,” she corrected. “Let go of me. I’m getting out of here. And don’t you try to follow me. You had no right.”

“I had every right,” he returned. “Calm down.”

“You be calm. I’m going to scream my head off if you try to keep me here. Blood? I ingested blood
twice
?” She touched her lips with trembling fingers.

The worst of it all was that she remembered now. She remembered his exquisite taste. Addictive. She craved it again. Just the mere thought of taking his blood sent tingles through her body – sent heat rushing through her veins, and her sex actually spasmed. She was crazy. Insane. And he’d made her that way.

Andre sighed. “
Csitri
, I would not hurt you for the world. Not physically and not emotionally. I cannot do anything about this situation you find yourself in. You are my lifemate. I see in colors. My emotions have returned and with them, when you placed yourself in danger, came terror. Absolute terror. I have spent centuries keeping this world safe from the undead, but throughout, the whisper of temptation was always with me. Crouched so close I could hear darkness breathing in my ear.”

Teagan went still again. There was something in his voice that told her what he was saying was extremely important. Something huge. A gift that he was giving her. This wasn’t a man who enjoyed having heart-to-hearts. She knew that instinctively. She knew he was hurting because she felt it. He was hurting for her. His resolve remained implacable, but that didn’t stop him from having compassion for her.

She wanted to be a woman who was understanding when her man was upset and behaving irrationally, but seriously,
drinking blood
? She was human. It was probably going to make her sick. And if her grandmother ever found out, she might use her Internet vampire-hunting kit on her.

Andre sighed. “You do not understand, Teagan. I have only tasted that kind of fear one other time in my entire existence. I have faced multiple vampires and deadly armies of humans. I have never felt fear. Or terror. The one other time ended far differently than this one did.”

She didn’t want to hear this. Or see it, but already images were in his head. Strangely, his memories were vague and always colored in gray. She found few memories of his childhood, and she’d actually looked because she wanted to see what he’d been like as a boy. But there was nothing. Not even a memory of his mother and father. She didn’t even know if he had siblings.

He was a confusing man. Monk. Bounty hunter. Vampire hunter. Now Carpathian. Who knew? But this… this memory was vivid, not in color, as if he were color-blind, and maybe he was. She shook her head and tried to pull out of his mind.

“I don’t want to see this, Andre. I’m too…” What could she say?
Sensitive?
He’d actually gone through the experience – the one time he’d been terrified just like this time. She sounded self-centered saying she was too sensitive, but truthfully, she was an empath and she already knew she wouldn’t be able to take what he was about to show her – as well as tell her.

“You have to know,
csitri
. I am not a dictator. I do not want things all my way. I meant it when I bound us together and said your happiness would be put before my own.”

Uh-oh. Bound them together? She liked the part about putting her happiness before his own. She was willing to do the same, but the binding them together only made her see red all over again. Where was free will in his world?

Fear cruised down her spine because the way was all too familiar now. Binding. Blood taking. Flying. Things were getting out of hand, and all Andre seemed to have to do was kiss her silly and she just succumbed. Went under his spell willingly. Drowned in him.

Teagan bit her lip. “Um. Seriously, Andre, we need to talk more about this binding and other things.” She didn’t want to talk about them. That was the last thing she wanted to do. His eyebrows drew together and he looked as if he was getting upset all over again.

She laid her hand over his mouth. “Wait. I’ve changed my mind, Andre. If you tell me you sleep in the ground, then I’ll have no choice but to stake you. There’s no staking a man as gorgeous as you. It would be a sin. A mortal sin. Like I’d be eternally damned or something. You already had one hole in your chest and honestly, it wasn’t that good of a look, even for someone as hot as you.”

She chewed on her lip for another moment and then, she couldn’t help herself, she ran her fingers lightly down his face, right where he should have had scars from the vampire. “I couldn’t do it, you know. If you’re really a vampire, if Carpathian is just a really nice word for
vampire
, you need to tell me and just get it over with. I’d have to let you kill me. I just couldn’t even try to destroy you. You don’t feel evil. You feel like a man who has more integrity and honor than any other man in the world.”

She was rambling, blurting out anything that came into her head in order not to think about the things he’d said or was going to say. She couldn’t process it all. Drinking blood? Oh. My. God.

Andre made a single sound deep in his throat. He caught her fingers and brought them to his mouth, brushing kisses over them. His eyes had gone from thunder to warmth. From glacier to tropical. He was so beautiful she ached.

“Tet vigyázam.”
 

He whispered the words in his own language. Soft. Sweet. Husky. Like he meant them. Her heart turned over. Whatever he said, it meant something big. Something she needed to know. Something huge.

“You will not have to stake me,” he assured her in that silky, smooth voice. “Still, you need to know why I must proceed with this course of action. I do not, as a rule, explain myself. I have never done so, not that I can remember. I say this so you know how much you matter to me. How much your peace of mind matters to me.”

She swallowed hard. He was going to tell her about the one memory that had never faded. The one time he had been terrified. She had tried to distract him, although she’d meant exactly what she’d said.

“Andre.” She tried to dissuade him, but already, she could see the memories in his mind. She could feel the way he felt that day, so long ago.

He was young. Seventeen. A mere babe in the eyes of his people. The night was beautiful, with a thousand stars spreading like diamonds overhead. She could see him moving through a thick forest, using long strides, his manner utterly confident, although she knew as Andre walked along the narrow deer path there were wild animals close by. Predators. Bears. A wolf pack. Much more than she thought possible in a forest.

Even the mountains looked different. She wasn’t certain where in the Carpathian Mountains he was. The forest was dense, the trees lush with vegetation. An abundance of wildlife was everywhere. Andre’s memory was so vivid she could actually smell the various animals each time the wind shifted even minutely. For some reason, looking into his memory, when it should have been carefree and happy, she felt a sense of dread. Of something evil creeping through the forest and moving toward the young Andre. She wanted to call out a warning. Instead she tightened her hold on the man whose arms locked her so close.

“This isn’t necessary, Andre. There’s no need to relive this.”

“It is necessary, Teagan, for you to understand. I have lived this nightmare for centuries. You are the only one I have shared it with.”

Centuries
. Oh no. There it was again. Those little slipups she was afraid weren’t real slipups. She knew Andre was deliberately slipping them into the conversation, getting her used to the idea that he had actually lived centuries. He was a man who didn’t make mistakes. She wanted to childishly put her hands over her ears and sing
la la la
until he stopped talking. She wanted to be a coward, but she was looking into his beautiful blue eyes and once again she was lost.

If this was Andre’s only memory left from his childhood, and the only time he could remember experiencing fear, she knew it was going to be bad. On the other hand, she liked the idea that she was the only one he shared this life-changing experience with. She did want to be that woman for him. She just didn’t want the blood drinking. Or anything else weird.

Andre pulled her stiff body onto his lap and nuzzled her neck. “I need to share this with you, Teagan. Do this for me, but I will not force it on you. It is a memory, nothing more.”

She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder, her eyes wide. “That’s the first time you’ve ever lied to me. I can feel that it’s a lie. It isn’t just a memory, it’s so much more than that.”

“Perhaps, but nevertheless, it is a memory. In the past.”

She had to make a decision. He had lived with this terrible memory possibly for centuries. She still wasn’t ready to go there all the way with him, but this – this was different. She was a healer and this was a terrible raw wound that had never closed. She knew she would do almost anything for him, even if it was going to hurt. Instinctively she knew whatever he was going to tell her was going to affect her for the rest of her life. Like Andre, she would never forget it.

Teagan relaxed into him. No matter what. No matter what he was or how angry he made her, Andre was hers. He belonged to her, and the rightness of that couldn’t be denied. She
had
to share this memory with him. She turned slightly so she could lift a hand to his face and cup his jaw.

“Let me see, then.” Teagan gave the invitation softly. She didn’t try to hide that she wanted to be there for him. That she felt he did belong to her and she to him. They were already in each other’s minds. He would know she was feeling all soft and loving toward him in spite of everything.

She couldn’t help herself. It wasn’t just his “binding” them together, because she still wasn’t sure about how that worked, or how real it was. No, this was all Teagan. Her compassion and empathy for others, but especially him. This was a gift and she was taking it.

She used the pads of her fingers to smooth over his jaw. She loved the line of him, masculine and tough with a permanent five-o’clock shadow that made him look even more handsome than ever.

Her heart went out to him. At times he seemed so absolutely alone. She knew what that was like – clearly not on the same scale as he did, but still, she ached for him.

“I want to be your woman, Andre,” she murmured, and leaned in to brush a kiss across his lips. “I just think maybe – sadly – you got it wrong. I don’t know if I’m the woman you need and want. I’m very modern and I really, really have trouble with anyone telling me what to do and making decisions for me.”

His hand moved up to her hair. She knew instantly he would have preferred it down. He liked the idea of feeling it in his hands. He’d fantasized how it would feel sliding over his body, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to take out the intricate braid work.

“I know you, Teagan,” he replied softly. “I see who you are. You are the woman for me. You brought me out of the darkness and into the light. There is no other.”

She leaned in and nuzzled his throat, inhaling the scent of him into her lungs. Sorrow clung to him. Deep. As if whatever happened all those years ago, he felt it just as if it had happened that very day.

“My emotions have returned. They are… overwhelming at times. I am working to get them under control.”

The admission coupled with his fingers massaging the nape of her neck sent little flutters of awareness down her spine. She did what she always did when she needed time to process. She ignored all the things she didn’t want to think about and went with her heart.

“Tell me, Andre. I want to know.”

He leaned into her and very gently took her face between his hands, his gaze capturing hers for a long minute. She felt herself falling into his eyes. He brushed his mouth over hers with infinite gentleness.

“Thank you,
sivamet
. You have already lightened my heart.”

He settled her more comfortably on his lap, wrapping his arms around her. She didn’t know if he was comforting her, or needed the comfort himself.

“In those days, life was very different. There were much fewer people in the area where I grew up. I had no other siblings. My mother hadn’t been able to have children and when she had me, something went wrong with her mind. Maybe something had always been wrong with her, I do not really know. According to those who knew her, she really withdrew from the world after that difficult birth. There was only my father for her. No one else could reach her.”

His hand found hers and he pulled it close to him, his fingers tight around hers. “I felt like the ghost they always call me. I was there, but not. She didn’t see me or acknowledge me in any way. My father was very occupied with her, so most of the time, I was a ghost to him as well.”

Teagan detested that. Her childhood had been one of love and laughter. She hadn’t known anyone called him “Ghost.” That bothered her, too. But mostly it was the way Andre spoke, as if none of it mattered to him. That wasn’t the cause of his sorrow. He didn’t reflect on his childhood as bad or good. It simply was.

“There were a lot of wars back then. Carpathians stayed out of them as much as possible. We had no interest in politics, but sometimes the fighting spilled over to our homes even though we were so remote.”