Dark Moonlighting (25 page)

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Authors: Scott Haworth

Tags: #vampires, #vampire, #humor, #satire, #werewolf, #werewolves, #popular culture, #dracula, #vampire virus

BOOK: Dark Moonlighting
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The trip to my laboratory came to an abrupt
end. Ten feet down the hallway from the morgue, my path was blocked
by rubble. Much of the ceiling had collapsed into the basement.
When I peered past the debris, the source of the explosion became
obvious. Whoever the “terrorists” were, they had succeeded in their
goal. My laboratory and office had been annihilated. The antiviral
cocktail, my computers, my animals, my research and my notes had
all been destroyed. A century of progress towards the cure for
vampirism had been wiped out in the blink of an eye. I wanted to
fall to the ground and cry, or scream in rage at the injustice. My
tired body refused to agree to any dramatic displays.

“Well,” I said as I nodded my head in
acceptance. “I’d say that’s that.”

 

Instinct kicked in during my drive home as I
prepared to do what I had done so many times before in my life. I
had lost three jobs, been rejected by the woman I loved and had my
medical research destroyed. It was time to leave Starside.

Oliver XLVIII mewed in delight when I entered
my apartment. He was happy about my unusual daytime return, but
would be irritated with me again soon enough. The poor cat had a
tendency to get carsick. I scratched his head dispassionately and
sprinkled a handful of treats on the ground to keep him occupied. I
knew I probably had a few hours before Lara contacted the
authorities, but I wanted to get on the road as soon as possible.
Luckily I would not have to take time to pack anything. I had two
duffle bags full of emergency supplies stashed in the closet of my
bedroom for just such an occasion. When I ran upstairs to retrieve
them, I nearly pissed myself for the second time that day.

“Hi, Nick,” Christina said cheerfully from
her seat on my bed.

“Jesus Christ!” I swore as I clutched my
chest. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’ve been here an hour,” she responded,
answering a question that I had not asked. “I thought you’d be home
since you’re going to get disbarred.”

“I had to run an errand,” I lied. I shook my
head and smiled after hearing myself speak. It hardly mattered
anymore. “That’s a lie. I was working at the hospital. I’m a
hematologist, or I was, in addition to being a lawyer. I was a cop
too.”

“Oh,” Christina said, nodding her head even
though she could not possibly understand what I was talking about.
“I’ve decided I’m in love with you,” she blurted out.

“What?” I questioned. “You barely even know
me.”

“Yes,” Christina admitted. She walked forward
and stood far closer to me than was necessary. “I was surprised
when I figured it out too. I think it’s probably because we’re so
similar.”

“No we’re not,” I scoffed. “I’m sorry, but I
don’t feel that way about you.”

“Sure we are,” she said, ignoring my
rejection. “We’re both lonely. You’ve got the albinism and your
hideous facial deformities…”

“Thanks,” I muttered sarcastically.

“… and I’m weird.”

I rubbed her shoulder sympathetically. “Aw,
don’t say that. You’re perfectly—”

“I know I don’t act like normal people,”
Christina interrupted unemotionally. “I know what kind of looks
people give me, and I can hear them laughing about me when they
think I’m not around. I’m okay with it because I know everyone has
some sort of problem. For me it’s not understanding how everyone
else works. In high school I tried to mimic the way the other kids
acted, but I just couldn’t ever get it to work. Your problems are
obvious too, and neither of us can hide them from the rest of the
world. I think that’s what made us such a good couple.”

“Couple?” I mocked her as I took a step back.
“Is that what you think we are? We were just screwing around.”

“Sure, at first,” she agreed. “But it started
to feel different to me as time went by. I think you started to
feel differently too.”

“Well, like you said,” I answered coldly.
“You don’t know how other people work.”

My comment should have hurt her, but she
remained as unemotional as ever. She looked like she wanted to talk
more, but I was pressed for time. I decided on a surefire way to
end the conversation.

“Besides, I’m a vampire. I’m also the
Urinator serial killer. I’m over six hundred years old, and I’ve
tortured and murdered thousands of people,” I stated.

Christina cocked her head to the side as she
took in all the information. “That explains a lot,” she concluded.
She stared at me in silence for about thirty seconds, evidently
thinking things over. “I’m okay with you being a vampire.”

“Well,” I said as I threw up my hands in
frustration. “I’m not.”

Understanding that I was not going to win the
debate with a rational argument, I grabbed her by the arm and
escorted her out of my bedroom. She winced in pain at being
manhandled but did not protest. I dragged her downstairs, opened my
front door and pushed her outside. Sunlight hit the tips of my
fingers as I performed the action, and I pulled my hand back and
yelped in pain.

“Are you okay?” she asked as she raised a
hand to shield her eyes from the sunlight.

If she had been any other woman she would
have been emotional about the rejection. She should have been
crying from her broken heart, or furious at me for putting my hands
on her. Instead she had the audacity to stand there, doe-eyed, and
worry about me. I hated her for it.

“No, I’m not okay,” I answered. “Very soon an
army of Starside’s finest is going to show up here and take me into
custody. They will, eventually, figure out how to kill me. I’m
sorry to be so rude, but I need to get going. Have a good life,
good luck for all your future endeavors and watch out for Caleb. He
can be pretty aggressive towards young women when he’s drunk.”

“I could come with you,” Christina said.

The last half of her suggestion was muffled
as I had slammed the door in her face. I peered through the
peephole and saw her staring at the door. After a minute of placid
gazing, she abruptly turned and walked away. I was happy to be rid
of her.

I retrieved the duffle bags from my bedroom
closet and set them by the door to my garage. Oliver XLVIII was
reluctant to get into his cat carrier as he knew the action always
resulted in a car trip to the sadistic veterinarian. After pulling
his paws off the door, I managed to shove him inside. I put the cat
carrier in the passenger seat of my car and dumped the duffle bags
in the trunk. I removed a screwdriver and a license plate from one
of the duffle bags and bent down to remove my car’s old
identification. I could worry about repainting the vehicle later,
but I knew I would not make it far with the old plates once the
police put out an APB. I had just finished attaching the new
license plate when I heard footsteps coming up my driveway.

“Going somewhere?”

I turned to see the familiar blue uniform of
the Starside Police Department. My former partner wore a stern look
as she stood in the center of my driveway. At her side, gripped in
her right hand, was her pistol. She cocked the weapon with a quick
flick of her thumb.

 

Chapter Thirteen: Once More Unto the
Breach

 

“I’ve got places to be and people to flee,” I
responded to my former partner. I nodded towards the gun in her
hand. “That’s not going to be any use against me.”

“I know,” Jasmine responded as she holstered
her pistol. She looked up towards the sky and waved her arms
around. “This sunlight should do the trick though.”

“Why did you bother pulling your pistol out
then?” I questioned.

“I thought it would be more dramatic,” she
responded with a smile.

“So, you figured out that I’m a vampire?” I
asked rhetorically. I leaned against the trunk of my car and tried
to look as relaxed as possible. “What you might not know about me
is that I—”

“You’re infected with a virus,” Jasmine
interrupted. “You’re the Urinator serial killer, you had three
careers and another vampire named Lance Flowers is in Starside
seeking revenge against you.”

“How did you—” I began.

“I’m a much,
much
better cop than you
are,” she said, cutting in again. “My suspicions were raised about
a year ago when I saw you leap ten feet over a fence and tackle a
suspect. A few months later you took down a guy high on PCP with a
single blow to the stomach. Hell, just a few days ago you got shot
without your bulletproof vest on. I mean, do you really think I
would have left my partner on the ground if I thought there was any
chance that you were actually wounded? I figured it all out ages
ago.”

“Then why didn’t you—”

“Oh, I was concerned at first,” Jasmine
interjected. “But once I researched your victims, I realized you
were doing a public service. Your nemesis and his whore brigade are
targeting innocent people though. I can’t blame you if you want to
leave town, but you need to help me take out that vampire gang
before you go. They’re a menace to Starside, and it’s your fault
they’re here in the first place.”

“I—”

“Damn it Nick!” she shouted. “You’ve always
tried to be a good cop. It’s your responsibility to do this one
last thing before—”

“Will you stop interrupting me?” I
interrupted. “It’s really annoying. Of course you’re right, and
I’ll help you track down the vampire gang before I leave. I’ll
drive, hope in.”

Jasmine looked upset that I did not require
more convincing. She must have had a whole speech prepared. She
walked into the garage and opened the passenger’s door. My former
partner jumped back in alarm as the feisty feline in the front seat
hissed at her. She regained her composure and moved Oliver XLVIII
to the back seat. I checked my wristwatch as we both got settled in
the car.

“You know about Anthony’s research?” I
questioned.

“Your neighbor,” Jasmine answered. “You mean
how he’s using his computer skills to try and track down the
gang?”

“Right,” I said, unsure of how she could have
possibly known about that. “I figure we’ll let him try and work his
magic while we do some grunt work. We can hit the streets in the
areas we know the vampires have been hunting. And by we, I mean
you. I won’t be able to leave this car until the sun goes
down.”

Jasmine nodded her head in understanding. “If
we do find them, how are we supposed to kill them? Should we make a
stop and grab some—”

“Open the glove compartment,” I answered.

Jasmine complied with my request and smiled
at what she found. She pulled one of the crossbows out and
sensually rubbed her hand down the center of the weapon.

“Do you know how to use one of those things?”
I asked.

“Of course,” Jasmine responded.

“Of course,” I repeated as I backed the car
out of my garage. “Why wouldn’t you.”

Jasmine began peering out of her window as
soon as we started on our way. We were not near the area we wanted
to search, and it was hardly likely that she would see the vampires
running around in broad daylight. As far as she was concerned, we
were back on patrol. Her preoccupation with the habit of looking
out the window surprised me.

“How can you do that?” I asked her.

“Do what?”

“Take your eyes off of me,” I clarified. “You
know what I’m capable of. How can you trust me?”

Jasmine waved dismissively without turning
away from the window. “If you were going to kill me you’d have done
it by now,” she said simply. “You couldn’t freak me out even if you
tried.”

“You’re menstruating,” I said.

“What? How could you possibly know…” Jasmine
began. She stopped in the middle of the thought and finally turned
towards me. She wrinkled her nose before exclaiming, “Ew! That’s
disgusting!”

I laughed heartily for the first time in
weeks. It felt good after all of the stress. Jasmine shook her head
but soon cracked a smile.

 

We spent most of the day driving around the
locations where we knew the four vampires had visited. Jasmine
interviewed residents, including the man who had found the body in
the sewer drain. We searched for the kid who had shot me but, like
the rest of the Starside Police Department, had no luck finding
him. The vampire gang had racked up a large body count, but they
were not like normal suspects. They were predators who hid within
society but were not really a part of it. They had no friends or
family to rat them out. They were skilled at their craft, and few
people who had seen them were left alive.

My anxiety grew as the hours passed. Lara
surely had gone to the police already and, assuming they worked
past the whole “vampire” thing, I was now a wanted fugitive. In
fact, I was no doubt public enemy number one. Was The Chief
personally leading a team of local police to apprehend me? Were
Agent Table and Dr. Kenner combing through my apartment, searching
for forensic clues? I did not know how quickly the investigation
would proceed, but every minute I stayed in Starside I was putting
myself at risk. I was about to tell Jasmine that it was time for me
to go when I saw a familiar face.

He was laying across a bench at a bus stop
with his eyes facing the street. He looked much better than he had
the last time I saw him, but he was wearing the same wretched
clothes. I pulled a quick U-turn and parked the car in front of the
bus stop.

“What is it?” Jasmine asked.

“It’s that homeless man from the earlier
chapter,” I said. “… of our lives,” I clarified.

With great effort, the man sat up as Jasmine
exited the car wearing her police uniform. He was no doubt used to
getting the bum’s rush from the cops, and he looked more irritated
by the interruption to his nap than concerned. That changed when he
saw me coming around the far end of the car. His eyes went wide,
and his head darted back and forth between me and the horizon.

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