Darkest Fear (28 page)

“Vivi, let go of the jaguar and reach for your other self, your human self. It's right there. Feel it right there and reach for it.”

He rubs my forehead my short fur flattens in all directions

It is distracting my eyes roll to look at him

I feel his finger on my forehead where my mother used to kiss me she used to touch me there I feel my short fur bending under his finger I feel like

Like Vivi is standing there waving at me

I see Vivi I go to her we join together we meld together becoming one . . . and then becoming her.

Suzanne threw a bath towel over me. Soon I felt mostly like myself and sat up, holding the towel. My neck stung and felt sticky. When I put my hand up, it came away wet with blood.

“You bit me!” I stared at Matéo accusingly.

“I had to calm you down. Maybe I bit a little too hard.” He didn't look sorry.

“You bit my neck!”

He shrugged. “You bit me first. That's what happens, cub. When you attack someone bigger and stronger than you, you get bit.”

“Hold still.” Tink had a washcloth and started wiping off blood. “Okay, it's not too deep.”

“Well, I didn't want to hurt her,” said Matéo.

No one seemed shocked or upset. Tink obviously felt Matéo had gone too far, but just a little.

Tink slapped a couple of Band-Aids on my neck and grinned at me. “People will think you have a hickey.”

“Ew.”

“Tell 'em a vampire bit you,” he suggested cheerfully, and even Suzanne smiled.

“Ha ha,” I said darkly, trying to gather my towel and my dignity.

“You're missing the important thing here,” said Matéo, “which is that you changed, and changed back, at will. You finally felt what you need to feel when you change form.”

That was true. I really had, for the first time in my life. And I'd remembered something important: When I'd changed into a jaguar, I'd felt the muscle at the back of my neck that Matéo had talked about. It was where my father had always rubbed, kneading that muscle. I'd always thought he did it just because it felt good—it had been so casual, as he passed by, as we talked, as we watched TV. Now I saw that he'd been making me aware of what I needed to become a jaguar.

And then when Matéo had been talking to me, as I'd tried to change back . . . My eyes filled with tears. My human part was right in my forehead, where Mami had kissed me every day. She would kiss my forehead right there and then press it with her fingers, as if to make the kiss stick. I'd never put it all together. I would need to think about all this more.

Suzanne handed me my watch and the clothes that I'd left downstairs. The ending up naked was obviously a huge drawback, I decided. There had to be a better way. In the meantime I had to get ready for work. Back to reality.

“WE'RE LEPERS,” JENNIFER SAID MOROSELY.

“God, I guess we are,” I agreed. I pushed my computer screen farther away on my bed and lay down next to it. My head would be sideways, but Jen could deal.

Jennifer had dated Cammie for almost two months, now that it was mid-November. But they'd recently broken up because Cammie was premed and always crazed with work and homework and they practically never saw each other. So Jennifer was feeling girlfriendless and like a loser.

For myself, I'd told Jennifer about the thing with Rafael back in September. Since then, I'd gotten hit on three times at work by customers. One guy was actually cute and seemed nice, and I'd been tempted, but though I definitely felt a little more in control of myself these days, I still felt “other,” compared to regular people. So I'd said no. More than once.

“Too bad Alex didn't work out,” Jennifer said. “He sounded hot.”

“He was hot. Is hot,” I amended. “I possibly would have gone
out with him, as my only choice. But Aly forbade him to ask me, and told me he was a huge playboy who loved 'em and left 'em all over Louisiana. So it was a no-go.” Plus, he was a haguaro, and I was still unsure about dating a haguaro. Obviously I was setting myself up for eternal spinsterhood.

“Maybe you could have been the one to change his evil ways.” Jen sounded wistful.

I sighed. “We always want to think that—that we'll be enough for someone to change. But it never works that way. Besides, an actual relationship with him wouldn't have worked. He's only in town about once a week. But I'm glad we're friends. We went to Fellini Night at the Prytania Theatre last week.”

“How was it?”

“A lot like my actual life,” I said, and she laughed. I noticed that her face was thinner and she'd lost the deep tan she'd gotten in Israel.

“When do you have to let Seattle U know for sure if you're going next year?” she asked.

“February. They said they'd hold my spot till then.”

“And?” She raised her eyebrows.

“No ands about it. I'm definitely going, of course.”

Jennifer nodded and then dropped offscreen as she reached for something. “Why don't you switch and come up here? It doesn't have to be Columbia.” Her face reappeared and she bit into a Fig Newton. “There's a million other schools here in New York. We could even be roommates, get an apartment.”

“That would be so fun,” I said. “I don't know. Still have my heart set on Seattle.”

“But you were only going there because it was as far away from Florida as possible,” she reminded me. “You don't need to do that anymore.”

I nodded, feeling a familiar sadness. “Yeah. That's true. I feel like I've lost all my reasons to do anything.” I hadn't meant to sound so down, but Jen made a sad face.

“I know, sweetie,” she said. “But now instead of just doing stuff to be the opposite of what your parents wanted, you get to find what you yourself actually want.”

“That has occurred to me.”

Her head turned to look offscreen, then turned back. “Oh my god, Vivi! I totally forgot! Look at this weird thing!”

“What?”

I heard the rustling of paper, and then her face centered on the screen again. She looked serious, but also unsure.

“What is it, H?” I asked again.

“It's something I saw in the paper, the
New York Times
. I don't even know why I saw it—I was skimming the page, and then this caught my eye. I wasn't even sure I should tell you.”

“Jeezum, what is it? You're weirding me out.”

“It's . . .” She held up a newspaper page, but of course it was totally blurred and I couldn't read any of it. “It's, well, it's someone who . . . died like your parents.”

In less than a second my skin turned cold. “What?”

Jennifer read from the newspaper. “ ‘A suspicious death was reported last Tuesday after hikers found a . . . body.' ”

I realized I had quit breathing, and I forced myself to inhale.

Jennifer gave a concerned glance at my face, then went on. “This happened a bit upstate, close to Woodstock. It says, ‘The body has been identified as twenty-six-year-old Margaret McCauley. The cause of death was trauma to the chest. Upon autopsy, it was discovered that her heart had been removed. Police suspect that it was a ritual killing, but have no leads. Relatives of Ms. McCauley could shed no light on motive or suspect.' ”

A minute passed as I digested this. Once again, the ridiculous notion of the Talofomé popped into my mind, and I shook my head.

“That seems weird, doesn't it?” Jennifer's voice was soft.

I nodded, then cleared my throat. “Really weird. What day was that from? I'll look it up online.”

“It was from Monday. I've been meaning to call you ever since I saw it.”

“Okay. Thanks. I'll look it up, see if I can find out anything else.”

“Okay. I'm sorry, babe. Should I have not told you?”

“No, of course you should have told me.” I tried to give a reassuring nod. “Of course you should have told me.”

“Okay. I better run. I have my Saturday lab.”

“Right,” I said. “Thanks. I'll talk to you soon. Have a good lab.”

After we hung up, I lay on my back on my bed, looking up at the pale coral watered-silk fabric that was gathered under the half tester. When my heart stopped pounding, I sat up and
flipped my computer open again. It took only a couple of minutes to search the online archives of the
New York Times
, and I soon found the article. Not really an article, just an inch or two of type. I made a note of the reporter's name. I had to talk to Matéo about this.

My thoughts were interrupted by my bedroom door flinging open so hard that it crashed against the opposite wall. I jumped, my heart lurching all over again.

“Oops,” said Alex, standing there and flashing his bad-boy grin.

“How about knocking?” I said. It was true, what I'd told Jen—Alex and I had fallen into an easy friendship. Because we weren't going to date, we didn't have to worry about appearances or seeming cool. I found that beneath his smooth, practiced charm he was actually smart, caring, and funny. And really full of himself. As a boyfriend, he would have broken my heart. As my pseudo-someday-possible cousin-in-law, he was comfortable.

“I was going to. I don't know my own strength.”

My nerves were jangled and upset and I didn't want to deal with him right now.

“I'm here to ask you to come with us,” he said, casually sitting next to me on my bed. “We're going to the river.”

“Oh, I can't, sorry,” I said, trying to look bummed. “I have work. Is Matéo here?” I wasn't on duty today, but my schedule changed sometimes. No one would know.

“No, he's going to meet us later. Call in sick,” Alex suggested.

“Oh gosh, no. My personal integrity won't let me.”

Alex chuckled and leaned back against the headboard. “Fellini was fun last week.”

I looked at him, feeling myself calm down. I wanted to talk to Matéo about this new killing, but not at a river with a bunch of other people. “Yeah, it was. They're having an Iron Man double feature next Sunday. Let me know if you're around.”

“Will do.” He turned to face me, and it was odd, because here we were, almost lying on my bed, facing each other. It was kind of like being with Jennifer, until he leaned over and kissed me. I'd thought he was leaning over to whisper or something; we'd firmly established the only-friends thing. My pulse quickened even as I pulled away from him, eyes wide.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“It has occurred to me,” he said cheerfully, “that we can be friends . . . with benefits.”

My eyebrows rose up into my hairline.

“You're not seeing anyone. I'm not seeing anyone. We like each other but don't want an actual relationship,” he went on. “We're over eighteen. Why shouldn't we do the wild thing? I mean the regular wild thing, not the
grrr
wild thing.” He made one hand into a claw and swiped gently at the air.

I was speechless, my few pathetic, failed dates having in no way prepared me for this situation.

“You're beautiful. A strong, beautiful girl. A haguara. We could have exciting times together—in any form.” He quirked one eyebrow suggestively, a smile on his handsome face.

An image of two jaguars racing through the woods flashed into my mind. Then the gold jaguar caught the black one . . .

Alex leaned in again, and I drew back quickly in true terrified-virgin style.

“Ah, no,” I said clumsily. “It's really better if we're just friends.”

“Look, I'm okay simply being a placeholder until you meet someone more suitable. That would be fine.” He propped his head on his hand, grinning: the most reasonable of men.

I bet.
I was so in over my head. My mom would have known how to handle this gracefully. What would she have done? I pictured her smiling, confident face.

“No, I don't think so; it's not a good idea; thanks anyway” was the best I could come up with.

Aly appeared in my doorway. “You coming, sweetie? We're going to pick up Popeyes chicken on the way.” She saw my face and her eyes narrowed. “What's going on here?”

“Nothing,” said Alex smoothly, sitting up. “Just trying to convince Vivi . . . to come with us.”

Aly looked at him suspiciously.

“I wish I could go,” I said, trying for sincerity. “But I have to work.” I knew Aly would want to know about what Jennifer had told me, but something in me wanted to talk to my cousin first.

“Call in sick,” Aly said.

“You're going to the river?” I asked,  deflecting her.  “It's November.”

“It's seventy-eight degrees,” Alex said drily. “But it's nice that it gets dark early.”

Less chance of being seen.

“Wish I could,” I said again.

“Some other time,” Aly said. “Come on, Alex, quit bugging her.”

Alex winked and made the
call me
hand signal. I rolled my eyes at him and he laughed, then headed across the hall to knock on Suzanne and James's door. “Get a move on! Ten minutes! Also, we need your car!”

After that first time, I had never been to the river again, though everyone else went every couple of weeks. Sometimes Matéo looked at me like he thought I was being a sissy, but what could I say? Even if I wanted to be fully haguari, which I didn't, there was still the nakedness issue: Everyone shucked their clothes first so they wouldn't get lost or torn. I mean, no thank you. I wanted to stay right here in my cocoon, not taking risks.

In fact, since the first time I successfully changed by myself and changed back, I hadn't done it again. Nothing upsetting had happened to force a change, and I'd stopped practicing. It was all getting a little too close, and I'd wanted to step back toward regular personness.