Darkest Fear (3 page)

Rabbit and insects pungent like roly-poly bugs I smell saw grass and pine needles and birds

Can't hear my parents where am I how far away am I

Where are my parents I get to my feet I am on all fours

I am solid I have strong muscles I am powerful I am jaguar me I am a jaguar

Before it hurt so much took so long was a birth

This is still awful

These eyes can't cry tears

There is no movement it has stopped

Every creature senses me and has gone silent becoming still like a tree a rock a root

Because I am a predator I am at the top of the food chain

Where did I come from which way did I come my new eyes see everything my new eyes see weird but so well

Should I go back to find my parents

The snarls were so scary from the purple shadows maybe I should wait here

Mami said run get out of here now

I sit down it is odd my haunches sit but my shoulders stay up I have haunches it is funny

Mami Papi where are you will you come get me

Ground is not safe want to be up

Cypress tree here I coil muscles and jump like a spring like a jumping bean

I float I land on a branch my claws are steel hooks on the branch they are talons

I am up high these branches can hold me I climb high and high I cannot see any clearing

I cannot see our car

I cannot hear anything but birds and insects and leaves twitching like my ears

There is a breeze up here waves of scents honeysuckle wild blackberry palm bark bird

I don't want to be here I am scared I have no idea what to do

I have never felt so alone

Stars in the sky arc as night comes the darkness grows deeper covers me like a blanket

Nighttime insects begin their scratchy evensong

A big black beetle scuttles past me it smells just like itself

I smell like myself I smell like a jaguar

There is life all around me the night is full of hot little beating hearts

Jaguar me stays very very still for long time but fear is a sparkler in my stomach

I have to see Mami and Papi have to see them have to see them I don't care

I climb down tail first I don't know how finally I jump I land silently on pine needles

I scan for danger nothing here can hurt me nothing is worthy of notice

I am not lost I smell my path the fear scent from my paws as I ran I brushed against trees I tripped on roots I left scent everywhere everything I touched smells like fear my foot bled I smell the drop of blood it is a beacon from fifteen feet away

I move quickly and quietly along the trail I find a pile of cloth it smells familiar it smells so familiar this is what I wore this is mine I can't carry them what to do cannot carry them leave them there

Please let my parents be looking for me be waiting for me calling my name worried about me let everything be okay

This is a prayer this prayer drowns out the sounds of night

I head back to our glade and then a hundred yards away the scents come to me

I smell fear like dark vinegar like sweat and I smell blood cold not hot not fresh sick

I smell death

Blood breaking down meat flesh

I will wait jaguar me will wait I will hide beneath this bush my ears catch every sound every heartbeat my eyes snap into focus on every leaf bobbing on the wind

I wait my stomach is sick my heart is thudding my lungs will explode I wait

There is no threat to me I crawl out from the bush the moon is bright the glade is bright with moonlight I see everything clearly I see everything

I don't understand I don't understand

There is a body a human body

The chest is cut open I go closer sniffing it smells familiar it is family

It is covered with blood my nose wrinkles wet copper scent of blood

My paws are silent there is a jaguar nearby it is alive it is warm but growing cooler

It smells like family it has golden fur splotched with black and dark red roses of blood warm blood dark maroon in the moonlight

I smell fear I smell death there is a human body why is this jaguar dying why

I sniff the jaguar its eyes open they are golden

And beautiful

I know these eyes

The jaguar is Mami she is dying the human is my papi he is dead

There is blood everywhere

My mouth opens my pupils flare my gut churns this is Mami this is Papi

My veins flood with shock with white-lightning adrenaline

Suddenly I drop to the ground

I am in knots

And with no warning I was changing back, diminishing, becoming flimsy and stiff, weak and pale and naked. My lovely muscled
strength ebbed away as if I myself were dying. The world became brighter but also less vibrant. Sounds were muted, scents muffled or nonexistent. I was shaking with cold, my skin clammy and damp. I was no longer the top predator in this area; I could be hurt by any number of things. So many things.

The jaguar next to me made a rough sound as I grabbed the edge of the rumpled picnic blanket and pulled it around me.

I crawled closer to her. “Mami?” I said softly, reaching out and stroking dense fur I had never touched before.

She groaned, her beautiful golden eyes meeting mine.

“What happened?” I cried, so far away from understanding any of this that it was like I'd been dropped into another world. Shaking from shock, I got closer and pulled Mami's head onto my lap. It was heavy and warm. Her mouth opened, and I saw her long white teeth were stained with blood.

“Mami, come on,” I pleaded. “I'll call for help. I'll get the car.” I was babbling, unable to think, forcing my eyes to stay on her, not looking over to where my once-handsome father lay, a cooling body in the moonlight.

As I held her, my tears falling into her fur, she began to change, shrinking and losing her beautiful coat, her coiled-rope muscles.

“Mami, who did this?” Now I could touch her human face, spattered with blood, her long dark hair falling over my knee. I was crying, unable to take in what had happened, how suddenly and irrevocably my life had changed.

Mami managed a wan smile. The ground under my knees was
soaked; several deep cuts in her side were still bleeding heavily. I put my hand over them, trying to keep her blood in.

“My beautiful . . .” Her eyes unfocused, seeming to look past my face at the night sky. I gripped her shoulder.

“Mami! Hold on! I'll get help! I'll find my phone!” But I was too terrified to move even an inch away from her.

She blinked slowly and looked at me again, frowning slightly as if confused. “Donella? I've missed you . . .” I could barely hear her voice.

“Donella?”

Mami smiled slightly, and her eyes focused on me again. “My perfect . . . baby . . .” Then the frown between her eyes smoothed, and her face went lax. Her golden eyes gazed sightlessly at the stars above me.

My parents were dead.

ON TV SHOWS WHEN PEOPLE
call 911, even if they're hysterical, they can get words out. I couldn't.

I found my phone, covered with dirt and blood, beneath the blanket I'd pulled around me. I called 911, but my brain had disconnected and I didn't seem to know any words. I wanted to be away from here. The dispatcher asked increasingly urgent questions that I couldn't answer. Finally he said, “Does your phone have a GPS?” I nodded, as if that would help. “Turn on the phone's GPS,” he ordered.

I did. Then I dropped the phone, crawled a few feet away, and threw up. Then, oh my gods—I realized we were all naked. Not only was this the worst thing that could possibly happen to us, but it was also . . . shameful. Like the cops would think we were out here being freaks. And we were! But not that way.

I had no idea where my clothes were—didn't think I could ever find them, back in the dark woods. My eyes flew wildly about the horrific scene, our picnic scattered, my cake smashed and bloodied,
the bodies. My parents were bodies now. Everything they had been, every facet of their personalities, had ended forever. My brain could not begin to comprehend that.

My mom had brought my birthday presents. I grabbed a flat one and ripped it open. It was a cute patterned halter top and a pair of trendy booty shorts that I wouldn't have worn in a million years. I scrambled into them. In the distance, sirens started wailing.

My parents were naked. No child ever wants to see that. I was sobbing now, blubbering without thinking what I looked like, what I sounded like. My face was wet with tears, my nose was running. I wiped it on my arm. I got my dad's shorts on him, and then I threw up again.

I got my mom's top and underpants and shorts on. Then I collapsed in the blood-soaked grass and cried so hard I heaved again, except my stomach was empty so it was just bile. I wished I were dead. I wished I had stayed and been killed too. I wished whoever had done it would come back right now and finish me off, because I simply could not live through this.

The sirens were closer, but they couldn't bring cars right here. I lay there and cried and retched and finally I heard voices and running feet.

They asked me questions. I understood the words but didn't know why they were talking to me. I couldn't sit up. Someone said, “She's in shock. Get her on a board.” I started screaming when they put me on a stretcher. I needed to stay with Mami and Papi, because they were all I had. I was strapped down, struggling and
shouting, and then someone stuck a needle in the back of my hand. About ten seconds after that I fell asleep.

• • •

When I woke up, I was in a hospital room. I looked around groggily and saw Jennifer and her parents. I felt thick-headed and unnaturally calm.

“Babe,” said Jennifer, and took my hand, squeezing tight. Her face was pale. Her eyes were huge and dark.

“What happened?” I asked, my words slurring.

Jennifer put her hand over her mouth and started crying. I just looked at her.

Mrs. Hirsch came closer. “Hi, sweetie,” she said, looking very serious. “I've contacted your aunt Juliana, in Brazil. She's on her way.”

“Why?”

Behind her the wooden door wide enough for hospital beds opened. A tall woman with sand-colored hair came in.

“Hello, Viviana,” she said gently. “I'm Detective Virginia Parnes. I need to talk to you about your parents.”

I tried to sit up. “My parents! Where are they? Are they okay? Can I see them?”

Jennifer choked a little and looked at her mom. Mrs. Hirsch pressed her lips together.

Here's what was weird: I knew they were dead. I remembered what happened. But it was like if I refused to admit it, it wouldn't be true. Like I would pass some kind of test, maybe for loyalty, and
I would be rewarded by having my parents back again.

“Where are they?” I asked again. “Where's my mom?” Just like that I was hysterical all over again. I started yelling for my mom, for someone to get me out of here. A nurse came running, and I felt something cold going into the IV drip. I fell back onto my bed and floated into blessed, empty darkness.

• • •

I didn't take final exams or go to prom or show up on Senior Party Day. I didn't go to graduation, but two days after the ceremony I got my high school diploma in the mail. They gave me a pass because of my family tragedy.

My tia Juliana, my mom's sister, came and stayed with me for ten days. She took over and dealt with everything. There was no funeral—our kind didn't have funerals. You know why? Because one didn't call attention to the weakness of the dead. One left them behind and moved on, so they could be scavenged by other animals in a harsher, less Disney version of the circle of life. Of course, in modern society one can't just leave human bodies lying around. But there was no public funeral or sitting shiva or visitation or anything.

However, my dad's office sent a huge fruit basket, and my mom's students brought a sympathy card that everyone had signed to our house. That was all before I got home from the hospital. After I got home, Tia Juliana clucked over me. She was deeply sad but functioning better than I was. Basically I was a total wreck, on tranquilizers, crying, having nightmares. One night she and I were
sitting at the kitchen table with a neighbor's casserole in front of us. We looked at each other and suddenly we were both crying. She reached out and took my hand.

I was so glad she was here, especially to deal with the various authorities—the police had ruled my parents' deaths suspicious, but had no leads. There had been the paw prints of a large cat, but some injuries had been caused by a knife blade. No weapon had been found; there were no fingerprints. At the time, I had seen that my father's chest had been cut open. Now I knew that someone had taken his heart. Who would do something like that?

“It was like the Talofomé,” I said to my tia, not really meaning it.

“The Talofomé?” Her face was beautiful and sad. “No,
cara
. I'm afraid it was a real haguaro, not a legend. Maybe a haguaro and pelado together.” I hadn't heard the word
pelado
in ages—my parents had thought it was tacky to have a separate word to mean regular people, people who weren't haguari. Especially since
pelado
basically meant “naked.”

I knew it wasn't the Talofomé, the devil jaguar that parents used to tell their children about, to make them behave. The fairy tale went that the Talofomé was so unhappy at being an ugly devil that he would search the world for haguari and eat their hearts, to try to feel better. Naughty children were especially appealing to him. My parents were old-fashioned in some ways, but they had never pulled the threat of the Talofomé on me.

But someone—something—had taken my father's heart.

A few nights after I got home, we were sitting on the green
living room couch not watching some stupid show on Papi's flat-screen TV, and Tia Juliana quietly asked me what had happened.