Darkness Surrendered (Primal Heat Trilogy #3) (Order of the Blade) (35 page)

Elijah’s voice was cold, his body rigid, but Ana could feel such incredible torment pulsing deep inside him that she couldn’t stop herself. She wedged herself between the railing and his body, wrapped her arms around his waist, and pressed her cheek to his chest.

His muscular arms went around her immediately, and he held her tight, his heart thudding so loudly.

“You were under an illusion,” she said. “That’s what Frank specialized in. He was able to create illusions of emotions inside people to drive them to do what he wanted. He made you hate Quinn so badly that you killed him...fortunately, Quinn revived.” She didn’t dare add that Frank had taught her to do the same kind of illusion. She was certain it would be more than Elijah could accept in her, and she couldn’t take it if he rejected her. He was the first being since her parents who’d needed her, who stuck by her, who she knew she could count on. She didn’t even know how to trust anyone...but she trusted him.

“Quinn’s my best friend. I’m blood bonded with him, but I was so weak I couldn’t stop myself from killing him.” A raw edge was starting to take over Elijah’s voice. “No wonder Frank picked me. He knew I was vulnerable. A weak spot in the Order.”

Elijah weak? There was no chance of that! “Or maybe he picked you because you were the strongest link, and you were the one he needed to control,” Ana said. “After all, you’re the one destined to take down Ezekiel, right? He picked you for your strength, but to control you, he had to beat you down.”

Elijah said nothing, but she could feel him weighing her words.

“Didn’t you say you’d been struggling ever since you’d killed Ian’s
sheva
?” she continued. “Maybe he’d been working on you for a long, long time, and it was only that night that he finally got to you and broke down your barriers?”

Elijah’s jaw worked where he was resting his chin on her hair. “It is possible,” he admitted.

She knew Elijah wouldn’t accept sympathy or false accolades. No warrior would. He’d respond to logic, though. Despite all he’d been through, Elijah was too tough to get hung up on self-pity and refuse to see the facts when they were there. “Maybe you were Frank’s test case. Frank didn’t dare free Ezekiel until he knew he was strong enough to control you, knowing that if he couldn’t manage you, he’d never be able to handle Ezekiel. He was a smart man, Elijah, and I’m sure he did his research. He knew about your past, and he knew exactly what to do to prey on your vulnerabilities. And he was powerful. Powerful enough to believe he could control Ezekiel through the same methods he controlled you.”

“Even if that were so, I’m still weak—”

“He got Zach to turn on the Order with hardly any effort. It took him months, maybe years, to turn you.” She recalled Frank’s office walls, which had been covered with pictures of her dating all the way back to when she was a child. “Frank had been planning this for more than twenty years, Elijah. He could easily have been working on you for that long. You’re not weak, Elijah. The exact opposite, in fact.”

He pulled back to look at her, his eyes dark. “Regardless of how long it took Frank to break me, he still did it. And now it’s no stretch for me to go after those I care about.”

She bit her lip. “All it takes is one of my memories to trigger you.”

He nodded. “Which I am now extremely privy to. Look at me, Ana. Look at me and tell me I’m not on the edge of snapping.”

She met his gaze and opened her mind to his. She was startled at the strength of his demons. They were clawing at his shields, trying to get through. Illusions, memories, they were all the same to him now, but they were all dark, they were all hell, and they were trying to take over his mind.

His face was grim. “You’re in danger around me.”

Yeah, she could see why he would think that. “So?”

He stared at her for a second, then his eyebrows went up. “So? That’s your only response?”

“What do you want me to say? I’m your
sheva.
In certain ways, that has made you a danger to me from the first minute we met. Quite honestly, I don’t really care.” She leaned back against the railing.

His hands went to either side of her hips, locking her in.

Ana realized she wanted Elijah to understand how she saw him. She wanted him to see how magnificent he really was. “Before Nate got to me, I lived in my own little world, Elijah. I was lonely, sure. My parents were dead, and Grace kept secrets from me. We were always on the move, trying to stay one step ahead of social services. I’ve never had a job for longer than a year. I don’t even have plants because I’m afraid to put down roots. All I wanted was a home and family, and I couldn’t have it. The only constant in my life were my illusions, my happy illusions. So I did my illusions and lost myself in a world of fantasy and ignored everything else. My illusions made me smile. I thought they made me happy.”

His green eyes were intent on hers, listening the way no one had ever listened to her before, making her throat tighten.
You deserve to be happy, Ana. I wish I could do that for you.

She shook her head, needing to finish, needing him to understand exactly how important he was to her. “I hated being alone, so I did illusions all the time to hide from my world. And then Nate kidnapped me.” She couldn’t keep from sinking her fingers into the waistband of his jeans, needing to touch him as the memories came back. “He beat me so badly, Elijah.” Her voice cracked slightly, and a muscle ticked in Elijah’s cheek. “He beat the good illusions out of me until there was nothing left but darkness. As you know, he used me to murder a dozen Calydons, including you. He’d toss me into my cell at night covered in blood, both mine and that of the males who’d been alive before I’d showed up.”

The fucker should burn in hell.
Fire burned in Elijah’s eyes, the heat of outrage and protection, and she wanted to crumble into his body and forget about it all.

But she couldn’t forget, because it would always be a part of her. But suddenly she wanted to purge it from her soul, share it with the one man who mattered. “I would lie in my cell, wondering if my body was going to recover or if I was going to die right then. I would stare up at the cracks in the ceiling, flinching at every noise, wondering when Nate was going to come back for me. Whether this time he’d stop beating me or cutting me in time to keep me alive, or whether this would be the time he lost control and killed me. I heard the screams of those warriors in my head as I brought them down with my illusions. Their terror, their pain, and their death.”

Shit, Ana. I’m so sorry.
Elijah’s hands slid off the railing to her waist, his fingers digging into her hips. His eyes were brimming with empathy for her, his concern so evident in the way he widened his stance and tucked her into the shield of his body, as if he could protect her from the past, from the memories.

She met his gaze. “But the worst of all was your death. It haunted me. It still does.” She released his waist with her right hand to press her palm over his mark on her arm. “But I would sit there at night, huddled against the wall, and I would look at your brand on my forearm. It was the mark of a warrior, of a male who’d given his life to protect me, and I felt your strength. I drew on it, and that’s how I kept going. I wanted to live, and I wanted to be free, and I wanted to be worthy of your mark. You might not believe it, but you are my hero, Elijah, in every way.”

His hand closed over hers, where she was holding it to her forearm, his palm warm and comforting.
I bleed for you, Ana.

Tears filled her eyes at the anguish in his voice. “Nate changed me, Elijah. He taught me that there are things worth fearing: him, Frank, Ezekiel and myself.” She looked up at him. “But you, of all things, don’t scare me. You’re the only thing I have to hang onto. Yes, you might kill me, but honestly? If I’m going to die, and I’m beginning to think I will, it’s at your hands that I want to go.”

He stared at her, dozens of heated emotions raging in his eyes. “You humble me.”

“I—”

He put his finger on her mouth. “Don’t say anything more, Ana. I just want to stand here and think about the fact that you know exactly what I’m turning into, and what I’ve done, and yet you can look at me with those innocent eyes of yours and put yourself into my care and safekeeping. Despite all the hell you’ve faced and still have to face, you’ve hooked your hopes and your strength on me. Me. Just me.” His hand slid to her cheek, caressing her. “I might kill you.”

“I know.”

He closed his eyes. “And you could kill me, or send me so permanently insane that my team will have to kill me.”

Tears filled her eyes at the very idea of it. “God, I hope not.”

He opened them again. “It would destroy you to kill me. Send you over the edge into your worst nightmare.”

She couldn’t stop the shudder. “It would.”

“Because of the bond, we’re destined for exactly that path. There’s no other future for us.” His voice was soft, and he ran his hands down her arms. “And yet you stand here before me, holding onto me, anyway. You’re not protesting the bond. You’re not trying to protect yourself against me. You’re open. Hell, you welcome my touch.”

“You’re my strength, Elijah.” She gripped his shirt, wanting to pull him closer against her, needing his touch. “You may be my greatest danger, but you also give me courage and strength that I don’t have on my own.”

“Oh,
sheva
. You are so wrong.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You don’t need me in order to be strong. You have it all backwards. You’re the strength that keeps me going.” His lips slid down her temple. “You confuse me, sweetheart.”

She closed her eyes as the warmth of his mouth brushed over her cheekbone. “How?”

“I don’t know how to deal with you.” He kissed along her jaw. “The Calydon in me demands I shut you out of my life so I don’t endanger you. Protection of innocents.” He grazed his teeth over her chin, ever so lightly. “As your mate, the compulsion to protect you from danger burns so deep, which means I need to keep you far away from me, for I am such a danger to you.” He paused, his lips hovering over hers. “But as your mate, I also need to claim you on all levels and make you mine. Keep you by my side where I can watch over you. Make love to you the way I want to, instead of in some frantic moment on the floor to keep a madman from bonding with you.”

Ana’s heart began to race as his breath feathered over her lips, and her belly curled with heated desire. She could feel his emotion, his need for her filling her with such warmth and beauty, she wanted to cry.

“But as an Order member, I need to focus on stopping Ezekiel. Everything else must come second.” His hands slid beneath her shirt, his palms spanning her back as he ever so gently pulled her against him, so the hardness of his erection was pressed against her belly. “And as a male, I have this undeniable self-preservation instinct to keep myself from descending into a pit of insanity and hell, which means staying away from you and your illusions. Staying out of your mind. God help me, I need to stay out of your mind, yet the bond pulls me in, wraps me tighter around you.”

He lightly kissed her, and fire leapt to life within her as his warm lips caressed hers. “And then Ezekiel...staking his claim to you...” He opened his mouth and kissed her fully, his tongue sliding between her teeth, a heated caress of passion and desire, of total capitulation and ultimate control.
He endangers you and encroaches on my territory, making me crazy in a way I’ve never been before.
His hands slid beneath her jeans, kneading her bottom and bringing her tight against his pelvis as he consumed her with his kiss, his mouth hot and demanding, the kiss rising in intensity and need.
I need to rip his mark off you, fill you with my seed until my scent permeates your body, so every male that meets you knows you are mine, knows I will destroy anyone who threatens you and defend you with my life.

His hands slid up her back, caressing her shoulders, lifting her shirt.
And I need, more than anything, to kill Ezekiel before he takes you.
Raw fury carved his voice, and his kiss grew more demanding, more intense.

His hand went to her belly and slid upwards, cupping her breast, his mouth taking hers more fiercely, a kiss of ownership, possession and need. She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him close, kissing him just as hard, just as desperately, embracing her need for him, and only him. Her tongue met his with equal commitment, her body ached for him, her breasts heavy and needing.

His body shuddered under her response, and some of his anger faded.
All of these things are driving me. They are all a part of me.
His voice was low and sexy, laced with desire that made her body pulse in response.
They are all intertwined and mixed. Inseparable. And they conflict. God, do they conflict. I don’t know how to balance them. All of them are my instincts, compulsions I can’t ignore, yet to do one violates another. You tie me in knots, while our lives and our futures and that of so many innocents depend on us...on me...making the right decisions.
He lifted her up to sit her on the railing, and she clutched at his arms, remembering how far it was to the ground.

He laughed softly in her mind.
You actually believe there’s any possibility at all that I could let you fall?
He dropped his head to her breast, his mouth closing around her nipple, while his arm went around her, holding her so tightly and securely.
There is no time for this. No time for me to make you mine. To worship your body. To have you wrap those lovely legs of yours around my hips while I drive so deep, connecting us in the way of a Calydon and his mate.

She trembled as his hand slid along her thigh, over her jeans, as he scraped his teeth over her nipple, his biceps flexing as he kept her firmly planted on the railing.
Make love to me, Elijah. It can be fast. I don’t care. I just need to feel close.

He lifted his head, his hand still rubbing on her thigh. “But I care. I don’t want it to be fast again. I want to make slow and leisurely love to you.” His green eyes pulsed with heat. “I want to touch every inch of your body. I want to tease you until you’re writhing with need for me to be inside you. And then I want to make love to you until we both can’t take it anymore.” His hand slid higher, to the inseam of her jeans. “And then I want to start all over again.”

She caught her breath, her cheeks hot, her clothes itchy, desire racing through her, like little flickers of fire building fast and furious. “Okay.”

He laughed softly. “My dear, sweet Ana.” He kissed her again, and this kiss was different. It was charged with an electricity and an energy that hadn’t been there before. A commitment, and she knew he wasn’t going to stop.