Darkthaw (24 page)

“Mâyimitos,”
he says.

My dream rushes over me, making my breath fast, my heart gallop in my chest.

As we crest the last rolling hill, the big trees from my
dreams stretch tall to the sky, bunches of soft white tufts in their crooks. My stomach drops through my feet when I see movement. The flash of a spyglass.

I hop from my horse, leaving Nico. My foot cries out fiery pain, but I hardly notice; I'm too busy watching the figure stepping out from the trees. I can tell by the way he stands.

It's Kane.

KANE.

I break into a run, fast as my foot can bear, across the velvet prairie grasses. He's so near, he's a lifetime away.

But he's running, running for me fast as he can, crossing the long days, reaching out for me . . .

Reaching me. Reaching me, catching me in his strong arms and whirling me around. I cling to him, dig my face into his neck, his warm skin, breathing him in, holding like I won't ever let go.

He pulls back, hands on my face, eyes wide and searching over me like he can't believe what he sees. “Em . . .” His voice is hoarse. “I thought . . .” He brushes his thumbs over my cheeks, tucks my hair behind my ears. And kisses me on the mouth. Hard.

Breath and thoughts leave me. My hands flutter out, grasp at his forearms. He steadies me as I break the kiss and pull back. “I'm all right,” I gasp. “We're all right.”

He looks past me. The boys are hollering in excitement.
Daniel leaps from the back of the mare and Nico follows. I step aside as the boys run pell-mell for Kane, diving for him and tangling themselves up in his arms.

I look back at Isi, who stands holding the horses' leads, a smile on his face.

Kane frees himself from the boys and steps toward Isi, putting out his hand.

Isi drops the lead ropes and takes it, but Kane pulls him into a hard embrace, clapping him on the back before letting him go. We gaze round at one another. The boys huddle near Kane.

The wind blows and a soft white fluff appears before me, drifting on the breeze. I turn my head to look at the trees, capped in white and shedding their down into the air, and my heart swells.

“Matisa?” I look back at Kane.

His forehead creases. He shakes his head no.

My eyes fly to Isi, whose smile disappears. He looks as though he's been punched. I take a deep swallow of air. His face hardens into a mask.

“Isi—”

“This mare needs rest.” He throws his head at the grove. “You have a camp?”

“A fire ring, more like,” Kane says. “But yeah—just in those trees.”

Isi nods. “Daniel—help me with Lucky. Nico?”

Daniel nods serious-like and takes the lead rope, but Nico looks like he doesn't want to leave Kane. Isi convinces him by asking him to carry a pack. I try to catch Isi's eyes, but he's not looking at me.

“We'll be right there,” Kane tells his brothers.

I watch them go, my heart flip-flopping. Relief is still washing over me in waves, but I was wrong about Matisa, and Isi will leave soon as his horse is rested . . .

I shove all those thoughts aside and turn back to Kane, wanting that first moment back. That first moment of joy.

His face is exactly Kane: black eyes and eyelashes, strong nose, mouth that pulls up at one corner. But his eyes aren't laughing like they used to. He has a new scar; a small crescent-shaped cut at his chin. I touch my fingers to it, raise my eyebrows.

“Falling shale,” he says, taking my fingers in his hand and pulling them away. “I hid in the coulees during that . . . that . . .”

With my free hand I grab the front of his shirt and pull him to me.

His hands fumble forward, reaching for me, grasping my shoulders. He brings his mouth to mine, desperate. I press into him, trying to bury myself in the memory of this: of how perfect we fit like this. His scent and mouth . . .

He pulls back, staring at me with a force that makes my blood run hot. “I worried you were dead,” he mutters.

“I worried the same thing.”

He draws me to him, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight against his chest.

“I didn't know what I was going to do. I saw you and Isi escape past that homestead with Daniel. Didn't know where Nico went. Thought I might be following you if I kept to the river. But I didn't find you, I didn't . . .” He trails off, and I feel him swallow, hard.

“I'm here now. The boys are safe.”

He nods. But I know what he isn't saying.

“Kane, I'm so sorry . . .” I swallow. “We . . .” I force the words: “We buried her.”

His chest and arms stiffen.

My breath hitches. “Andre, too.” In reply, he tightens his arms around me. I bury my head beneath his collarbone and breathe deep. His heartbeat thuds beneath my ear.

After a long while I say, “We thought Matisa might be here.”

He releases me, pulling back so I can see his face.

“I knew someone was here, but I was afraid to hope . . .” I say.

His brow creases. “How did you know?”

“I dreamt it.”

A shadow flickers across his face.

“Kane, we have to find her.”

He glances at the grove, then back at me, but says nothing.

“I think I can convince Isi to wait the night, but he's waited days, tracked Nico first. I—I can't ask him to wait longer than that.”

Kane squints. “What do you mean, ‘tracked Nico'?” he asks. He doesn't know. Course he doesn't. Everything was such a blur in that fight.

“Those men took him,” I say. “But we found him a couple days northwest of here.”

“Was he hurt—”

“No,” I assure him, quick. “But we got there just in time. They had weapons, and a fight started.”

“What kind of weapons?” he asks.

Bodies shredded to pieces. Explosions of dirt. Limbs. “Bad weapons. Like nothing I've ever seen,” I say.

“Who are they?”

“They're led by a man named Leon. Near as we can figure, they're those ‘rogue' types Henderson was speaking on. They're running off people who settle on land they claim as their own. They're keeping First Peoples prisoners, forcing them to build their fortification. And . . .”

But I can't say it. Can't tell him that they're keeping women, too.

He takes this in, his jaw working hard. “We should get the boys someplace safe,” he says.

“We will,” I say. “Once we find Matisa, we can get to their people.”

He pulls away farther.

“I can help find her,” I say. “My dreams led me here to you. I know they'll lead me to her . . .” I trail off because his face is closing down.

“What is it?” I ask.

“We should head for that crossing, for the Dominion outpost.”

Now I step back. “What?”

“Going back to the settlement means heading back into the mess. With this Leon running people off . . .” He shakes his head. “The safest place I can figure is east. With the Dominion.”

“We don't know that it's safe—”

“That mapmaker spoke of law. Said the Dominion wanted order. Right now, that's safer than out here.”

“But Matisa's people will offer protection.” Even as I say the words I realize the problem: we'd have to get there first. I press on with the most important thing. “I have to find Matisa. She and I—”

Kane looks at the sky and breathes out in exasperation, clasping his hands behind his neck.

And now I see. Now I know.

This whole time I thought that moment at the waterfall was the start of our life together. Even though I was nervous about parting with his ma and the boys, I felt near certain he'd come with me. And ever since the homestead, I assumed the choice was made for him.

I was wrong.

“You weren't planning on staying with me.”

He looks back down, his eyes dark. “I want to stay with you more than anything. It's not about that.”

“You don't believe my dreams.”

“Em—”

“You never did.”

“It's got nothing to do with that.”

“Then what?”

“I have a family to keep safe! You don't!” His eyes blaze.

My mouth opens. Closes. Did he really say that?

“Didn't mean that,” he says, shutting his eyes. “It's just . . .” When he opens them, I see the fight is snuffed out. He looks . . . helpless. “Should've been me, Em.” His voice is thick. “Should've been me who got the boys back.
You
back.” He sinks to the earth, pulling his knees up and putting his head in his hands. “I didn't know what to do.”

“Kane—” I drop to my knees beside him.

“I was near out of my mind, thinking I'd lost you. And all I could do was wish we'd never come.”

I suck in a breath.

“I don't even know what I'm doing out here, save following after you.” He raises his head and stares at me, his face miserable.

And the truth of it all hits me full force: being out here isn't
his
dream. It's mine. Only mine.

What I want is to be with you
.

He meant what he said at the waterfall. But he followed me out here into Almighty knows what because
I
wanted to be out here. And now his ma is dead and his little brothers are in danger. And he doesn't believe the path I'm walking is one he can follow.

I stare at the prairie grasses, the wind blowing my hair into my eyes.

“I need to get Daniel and Nico somewhere safe,” he says after a long silence. “You want to go after Matisa, I can't stop you.”

A sliver of ice cuts through my heart.

He pulls himself up and stands. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse. “Should see to the boys.”

My chest is heavy. So heavy. I follow Kane into the first line of trees but halt, unable to force myself a step farther. I put a hand to the nearest trunk, bending over with the cold deadweight. He doesn't wait for me.

The ice is working its way into my throat, behind my eyes. Tears blur my sight as I watch him walk away. I turn and sink my back against the tree, staring up at a circle of white sky
that peeks through the leafy branches. Tall trees around me used to feel like hope. They used to feel like a promise.

Now they feel like broken things. No promises; just failure.

Last night when Nico took sick, I wanted to walk out into the black woods, wanted to let them swallow me, give myself over to whatever this is I've brought upon us.

And I want to do it now.

Right now, it feels like the only thing
to
do.

Almighty, I wish Tom were here. I need someone who understands—

“Em.” Isi's voice jars me from my thoughts.

I push off the tree and turn to face him.

“We are waiting for you in the grove,” he says.

I don't answer.

“We will need to talk with Kane,” he says.

“Think he's done talking,” I say.

He folds his arms across his chest. “He has lost his mother and only now found his brothers. He needs time.”

I bark a laugh. “So
now
you're being patient?”

Isi looks at me with that infuriating new calm.

“Kane wants to go east,” I say, my voice dull.

“Why?”

“Thinks it's safest for the little boys there.”

Isi blows out a long breath. He paces a few steps before me. He draws back his shoulders and turns to me. “Keep him here until I return.”

I frown. “What?”

“Convince him to stay here, in the safety of this grove, while I find Matisa. We will come back for you and talk about this then. Perhaps Matisa can change his mind.”

“I need to come with you,” I say. “My dreams can help.”

“I do not need them. I will start back at the homestead and track her the way I tracked Nico.”

“And if you don't find her?”

A flash of desperation lights in his eyes. They harden. “I will.”

“You know it would be better if I came.”

“Kane will not go. Stay here, we will return.”

“I can't let you,” I say.

“Why not?”

“Because . . . ,” I say. “Because I was . . .”

“What?”

I move to turn away, but he grabs my arm and keeps me in place.
“What?”
he demands.

I swallow hard. “Wrong. I was wrong about being out here.”

He frowns at me. “Why do you say this?”

I pull away, wrap my arms around myself and look into the trees, swallow the cold shards in my throat. If I look down, the tears behind my eyes will fall. Can't let them.

“Em.” His voice is stern. “Why?”

“Because . . . ,” I say. “Because it was selfish. I thought my—Kane's—new life was out here. I thought we deserved it. Thought this new life was my reward for bringing my people freedom. But I didn't bring freedom. I brought . . .” I can't finish. My voice is closing off with tears.