Dating Down (15 page)

In Transit

Like my academic angel,

Ted floats by,

grabs my arm and escorts me to

Senior English in Room 107.

He pulls out a box of Milk Duds, informs me that

nothing cures depression better than chocolate.

How'd he know I was down?

He pops a Milk Dud,

chatters on about things not sports-related.

Things I might actually care to know:

what bands are playing this weekend

how he's learning guitar, even wrote a song

who knew chords were so difficult?

And,

did I hear about the Gauguin show

at the Art Institute next month?

The Yellow Christ
.

My favorite.

Together, we walk arm in arm as

friends

students

fellow music lovers

art lovers

chocolate lovers.

But,

somewhere in the hollow of my heart

maybe it still might be

something more.

At Lunch

Gavin:
sm
So you and Ted …

Me:
sm
… are nothing.

Gavin:
sm
I don't know, Sam, he seems …

Me:
sm
… innamorato.

April pulls out a pocket thesaurus.

How far is she going to take this brainy thing?

Gavin:
sm
In a whatto?

April:
sm
Smitten. In lurve!

Gavin:
sm
I believe our little girl's got a new boy.

He sniffs like it's touching,

our love story.

Me:
sm
Spare me.

I know what they're trying to do,

help me move on,

but is falling for the guy

you dumped junior year

moving on or moving backwards?

Gavin:
sm
I always liked Ted.

April:
sm
Least he doesn't dabble in drugs …

Ralph walks by, smiles,

then passes to sit with his new group

next to the

new
sm
cute
sm
perky girl

unaware of
The Problem with Ralph.

Gavin:
sm
Well, whatever's going on with Ted …

Me:
sm
You mean nothing?

Gavin:
sm
Just go with it.

He gets up,

leaves.

And as usual, he

takes the last word.

Week after Week after School

April, Gavin, and me,

we start a new routine.

We've crossed out our summer habit

of hanging at that café—haunted.

Instead, we study in the food court through fall

at the mall by April's house.

New school year, new start.

While pondering a geometric equation,

my eye catches the salon sign.

I stand up, pronounce that it's my time for a new look.

April:
sm
For reals?

I nod.

Gavin:
sm
Oh holy night! This girl's gonna look hot!

On the escalator to the salon, we pass

Party Betty weighed down with bags.

She waves, says

she heard I dumped Hef,

gives me a thumbs-up as we pass.

One going up,

the other going down

until she reaches the top.

Betty:
sm
He did it to all of us.

You were just the strongest!

She holds up her bags

like that's her best way to cope.

Before I can say anything

Gavin grabs my arm,

pulls me into the salon.

Two hours later, I walk out

happily highlighted

and ponytail free.

A new look

a new me

and I

quite like it.

Election Night

Dad's ahead in the polls, but behind

getting ready for his big night.

Jane leans against the stairs, in pain

holding her head all night.

Melanie hops on my back, excited

about babysitter night.

Jane notices my new hair, says it's pretty.

I tuck a strand behind my ear, about to ignore

her compliment, but thank her instead.

Dad changes into a perfectly pressed shirt,

shined shoes, sleek suit.

All of his supporters await news

Henderson for the people!

Melanie and I paint stones

eat dinner

watch TV

wait to see the election results.

I deliver Jane some juice,

actually take it to her door

instead of turning around and tossing it.

She's writhing around, making no sense now

mentions

Christmas

glass figurines

cottage cheese

apple picking

mistakes me for Melanie

tries to sit up

falls back down.

She's scaring me.

Her flushed face

sweaty
sm
sad
sm
delirious.

My last memory of Mom

sweaty
sm
sad
sm
delirious.

While Jane's been playing off her headaches,

trying to be

the perfect wife

the careful mother

the diligent politician's aide,

she's actually been

the ailing wife

the undiagnosed mother

the weakening politician's aide.

I can't undo what I've said to her.

I can't even relive the mistakes

thinking of Jane as Queen Vanilla.

I can't reverse what I've said or done.

But I can take control

this time.

Emergency Night

My fingers jitter as I call 911,

tell Jane they're on their way,

try to sit her up.

I place a cool cloth to her forehead,

tell her it's going to be okay.

She holds my hand

says she's ruining everything

and that she can't see the ocean,

wants out of this hotel

in time for Christmas.

I wipe her sweaty hair from her eyes.

She lays her head on my shoulder.

This might be one of the only times

we've touched.

Usually,

she's holding Melanie,

keeping her distance while I keep mine.

It feels good,

our closeness

sm
calming
sm
comforting
sm
caring
sm
kind

like mother and daughter.

Could this be something I could have again?

Melanie rushes into the room

sees her mommy

Jane

disjointed and jerky

spewing gibberish

Jane

Melanie's mother

not my mother.

She starts to cry
sm
recoil
sm
cause a scene.

I tell her
sm
make Mommy proud

we're going for a ride

and I try to be

mother daughter sister High Priestess

for everybody.

Diagnosis and Recovery

Doctors meet Jane, rush her

through double metal doors

as Melanie and me

walk by her side

wondering

worrying

watching.

Jane grabs my hand

says she's sorry, didn't mean to let me down.

What does this mean?

I try to ask, but her hand slips out of mine

and out of sight where they'll

poke probe x-ray test scan

radiate her brain

review her paperwork and

rule out everything.

Sitting in a love seat

waiting in the hall

Melanie and me, together we

wait for more tests

more doctors

Dad.

Hours pass without any information.

I try not to panic.

Dad arrives just in time

to hear the news

from the doctor.

After all these months,

they've finally figured it out:

Central Nervous System Vasculitis
.

Dr. Frank:
sm
She's going to be okay.

He pats my back.

Dr. Frank:
sm
You got her here just in time.

Melanie:
sm
Sam saved the day!

Dad weeps.

Says he couldn't take this again

that once is more than enough.

Dad:
sm
For you and me.

I agree.

Just feeling his wet cheek, knowing

he still

sm
remembers
sm
misses
sm
cares about Mom

somehow makes it okay

sm
to focus
sm
worry
sm
care about Jane.

Miguel calls to give us the news.

Me:
sm
I rehired him.

Dad smiles

agrees,

he's practically a Henderson.

Me:
sm
And you're actually a senator.

Dad scoops us up in his arms—my sister and me.

We visit Jane, hooked to an IV,

together we, Melanie and me,

next to Dad,
the new state senator
,

and Jane, are all one

little

family.

Chocolate Muffins

Another wave of medical staff rush in

sm
patient shakes
sm
machines beep
sm
people yell

twenty-something female

overdose

Jessica's gurney rolls by me.

X holds her hand

lying there

pale, unaware.

Doctors ask him to step away

they whisk her off.

His cheeks flush

pink

crimson

burgundy.

He

turns, tilts his head,

pushes back his hair

the way I've seen him do a hundred times before.

This one move reminds me

my own hair

gone
sm
changed
sm
new.

He

throws his arms over his head,

sighs. I see—

a rip in his shirt forming.

Soon, it will

spread
sm
tear
sm
grow

form a long, gaping hole.

Suddenly,

I'm not sad for Sam or jealous of Jessica.

I remember that day,

that first day he plopped down at my booth

when I asked for a chocolate muffin.

I want to learn about life—all of it.

I'd said it.

Now, I
am
learning about life—good and bad.

He

notices me.

His eyes swim with sadness

hoping to reach the shores

of my sympathy.

I

look away,

smile at Melanie and ask

if she's hungry.

She

nods her head,

sucking her thumb

and asks if we can get some

chocolate muffins.

We

stand,

holding hands

walking toward the doors

morning washing ashore

hope inside finally restored

looking forward more

than ever before,

I agree.

Acknowledgments

While this is a work of fiction, some real-life characters helped me make this book possible. And so I'd like to thank all the wonderfully supportive people who contributed to bringing this novel to life.

In no particular order, I'd like to say
thank you thank you thank you
to VCFA and my advisors who helped shape this when it was just a germ of an idea at Vermont. Big thanks to the Keepers, the BrainTrust, and my first, second, third, and millionth readers—you all rock. To my family, who've put up with my stories since I was ten. To my dad, who is nothing like Sam's, and to my non-fictional Gavin inspiration.

Thanks all around to Brian Farrey-Latz for seeing something special in this story, and to all the folks at Flux for their tireless support. To my agent, Erin Harris, and her never-ending enthusiasm. And last but not least, to Rob, who reminded me many a time that it was okay to write when I felt guilty putting everything else aside. I owe you a year's round of laundry.

About the Author

Stefanie Lyons holds an MFA from Vermont College of Fine Arts. When she's not writing, she's organizing her locker, crushing on boys, practicing her clarinet, or getting ready for prom. In her head, that is. Because her teen years were great. Stefanie resides in Chicago.
Dating Down
is her first novel.

Visit Stefanie at stefanielyons.com and follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @sllplatform.