Daughter of Dark River Farm (14 page)

I left Evie to wash and change out of her uniform, and almost went into my old room out of habit, before remembering Jessie. I longed for privacy, to lie down and let my mind reach out for Archie, but if I went to my new room I would have poor, bored Bel talking to me. So I went back out to sit in the barn, half my attention on waiting for Frances’s call for help preparing the evening meal, the rest of it fading away, replaced by the memory of Archie’s hand on mine, and his grey eyes glinting with humour and warmth. Before I’d told him no.

I was jolted out of a happy dream-state some time later, by the sound of the door creaking open. I sat very still, not yet ready to move and dispel the pleasant warmth of the dream that lingered, and waited for either Sally’s or Jessie’s voice to drag me back to this tired reality. Instead I heard the flare of a match and, a moment later, a long, relieved exhalation.

‘Bel?’ I sat forward, peering around the hayloft ladder, blinking in the shadows. But it wasn’t Belinda who looked back at me; it was Nathan.

He removed the cigarette from his lips with his finger and thumb, and squinted at me through the smoke. ‘Why, it’s pretty Kitty.’

I flushed. ‘No, just plain Kitty.’

‘Nothing plain about you, sweetheart,’ Nathan insisted, and crossed the barn to where I sat. He was still not particularly close, but I didn’t like the feeling of him looming over me, and stood up quickly. I immediately felt a little more in control, and my heartbeat settled a little bit.

I nodded at the cigarette. ‘It’s dangerous to do that in here.’

He looked at the glowing tip, then put it back in his mouth, speaking around it. ‘You and Belinda didn’t seem to mind last night.’

‘That wasn’t me; that was just Bel. Besides, your cough won’t get any better if you keep smoking.’

He shrugged, and took a long pull. ‘Want some?’

‘No, thank you. Why are you here?’

‘Here as in the barn, or here as in the farm?’

‘Either. Both.’

‘I’m at the farm because, as you know, I have amends to make for someone I once wronged. And I’m
here
…’ he looked around us, at the high roof arcing over our heads, and at the dark corners filled with farm tools and implements, and those freshly dried sacks ‘…because someone mentioned peeling potatoes, and I have a strong aversion to that kind of thing.’

I couldn’t help laughing at that, and was rewarded by a slightly quizzical smile in return. ‘You’re hard to read, Miss Maitland. One moment all blushes and turning away, the next rather attractively cross, and then…then that laugh.’

‘What laugh? It’s just a laugh.’

He dropped the barely smoked cigarette on the floor and, following the direction of my eyes he carefully twisted his boot onto it to put it out. ‘Oh no, it’s not,’ he said softly. ‘Your laugh is like…’ he waved a hand ‘…trickling water. Cool and fresh on a hot day.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ I spluttered, trying not to laugh again in case he thought I was doing it on purpose. But he sounded so earnest it was hard not to. ‘You’re a charmer, Mr Beresford. I’m sure you’ve been told that more than once.’

‘I have,’ he admitted. ‘But that doesn’t mean I’m not saying what I really think.’

A silence dropped between us, and I found I didn’t know what to do with my hands so I folded my arms.

‘Ouch,’ he said.

‘What?’

He grinned. ‘When a pretty girl folds her arms at you, you know you’re in trouble.’

‘Stop calling me pretty! Evie’s pretty, and so is Lizzy. Belinda definitely is. But I know what I am, and I know what I’m not.’

‘So you think it insulting, that I see you in a way you see others but not in the way you see yourself?’

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I dropped my arms back to my sides. ‘There, is that better?’

‘Much,’ he said, and took a step closer. He brushed one finger down the length of my arm. ‘Strong arms, but beautifully shaped,’ he mused. ‘You’re a hard worker, Miss Maitland. Tell me…’ he stepped away again, leaving me feeling a little light-headed ‘…is there someone you’re waiting for? A handsome soldier, perhaps, holding your promise like a talisman to keep him safe?’

Again, I couldn’t answer, but this time it was because my breath had caught so hard, and so tight in my chest, that it hurt to breathe. My heart screamed at me to tell him yes, my handsome soldier was Captain Archie Buchanan. He was strong, brave and loyal, he loved me and I loved him, and I would wait for him for ever…but the word that echoed in the barn now was the same one that had cut his future loose from mine. ‘No.’

‘Good,’ Nathan breathed. He moved closer again, and I looked at his warm, hazel eyes, the smile that put deep laughter lines around those eyes despite his youth, and his wide, generous mouth. That mouth drifted closer to mine, and, without thinking, I raised my face to his. This man was undoubtedly a scoundrel. His past and mine were both littered with casualties of our poor choices: my parents, Will, my lost child… We were a match, of sorts, the two of us, and if I didn’t deserve a good man like Archie, then Nathan only deserved me.

As our lips met I pushed away the image of Archie’s smile, and the memory of our kiss, but as Nathan’s hand rose to touch my breast I was suddenly not in the barn any longer, but in the back of a stinking ambulance. With a sharply indrawn breath that stuck in my throat, I stepped back, my blood racing, my hands bunched into fists. There was no gun in my side now, and the man in front of me was as far from Colonel Drewe as a man could be, but pushing Archie away had pushed away the only barrier between me and that dark, shocking memory.

‘Don’t be scared, little Kitty,’ Nathan said softly, and reached out to take my tightly clenched hand. He didn’t say any more, but gently began loosening my fist, finger by finger, while my breathing slowed and I searched deep inside myself for a way to accept the touch of another man; I couldn’t live my life like this! I had to do it… Drewe would not destroy this part of my life as he had destroyed my family, and my work.

So I removed my hand from Nathan’s, and placed it on his chest, then I kissed him. Firmly, without further hesitation, and with my lips parting beneath his to accept his gently probing tongue. It was an experiment, nothing more. The kiss held none of the heart-staggering joy of kissing Archie, and Nathan’s slight body, so close to mine, felt almost like that of a boy when I compared it to the height and strength of the man I truly loved. But if there was no passion, and no deep, burning need to stay there for ever, at least there were no more flashes of horrific memory, no instinctive revulsion, no self-loathing for my weakness.

I felt Nathan’s hands at my waist, and I raised my own to rest on his shoulders. I tried not to think of the way it had felt to slide my hands around the back of Archie’s neck and touch the warm skin there, how his thick, soft hair had felt to my questing fingers, how his mouth had tasted of rum from the tot his company had shared in celebration of their safe return. But I remembered the feeling of his chest swelling with the breath we’d shared, the sweet frustration of not being able to press myself close enough to him, and how I’d wanted to touch every part of him at once.

I had no desire to explore Nathan’s body further, and his tongue was starting to prod too far into my mouth—his mouth was wider than Archie’s, and his lips less firm. His hand went to my breast again, squeezing gently, and this time I didn’t pull away, not until I became aware that tears were sliding down my cheeks, and more were clogging my throat. At the same time I realised that, I heard an outraged shout that froze my blood.

‘Kitty!’

Nathan thrust me away and I stumbled back, and we both turned to look at the doorway. Belinda stood there, resting heavily on a broom, the head of it cushioned beneath her arm.

‘Bel? Are you… I’m—’

‘Mrs Adams asked me to come and find you for dinner,’ she said in a chilly voice, and turned and hobbled away.

‘It was just a kiss, sweetheart,’ Nathan said. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong.’

I didn’t say anything, but flung him a dark look and hurried after Belinda. She was moving quite quickly, despite the awkwardness of using the broom as a walking stick, but I caught her up halfway across the yard. ‘Bel, wait!’

‘I don’t care what you do,’ she said, without turning. ‘I just think that he’s the wrong one to be doing it with.’

‘I know!’

‘Then why do it?’ She stopped then, and swung around to face me. ‘We’ve both agreed he’s a rotten egg, haven’t we?’

‘I had to,’ I said miserably.

She caught her breath, and her voice lowered to a whisper. ‘What? You don’t mean—’

‘No,’ I said quickly, ‘not like that. I mean…I didn’t know if I could, you know, let a man touch me. I had to find out.’ I hadn’t told her about the kiss in Belgium. It was mine to hold and to remember.

‘With
him
?’

‘Who else is there? And it made me feel good that he wanted to.’ I sighed. ‘I didn’t really enjoy it, but…’

‘But it didn’t make you scared,’ she guessed, and reached out with her useful hand to take mine. ‘I understand. But he’s not to be trusted, darling. You know that.’

‘I know. I won’t do it again.’

‘Does he know that?’ She jerked her head in the direction of the barn.

I shrugged. ‘I don’t know, but he’ll soon find out.’

Belinda looked at me, and gave a laugh that was more like a snort. ‘That’s my girl. Come on, Mrs Adams needs some help.’

After dinner, when Sally had gone to close up the hens for the night, and Lizzy had gone home, Belinda, myself, Evie and Frances finished our chores and sat chatting quietly in the sitting room until bedtime. I cherished times like these—they didn’t happen every day; usually one or more of us would be working until it grew too dark, and we would often simply melt away to our beds without even seeing any of the others. But tonight was one of those nights where we all found ourselves in the sitting room at the same time, and a companionable peace was settling over us all. Jessie came in, and I gave her a little smile, which she returned before plucking a book from the shelf and curling up in the corner of the settee.

‘Where’s Will?’ I asked Evie. She was sitting in her favourite spot by the window, and she looked strangely incomplete. I hadn’t seen Will at dinner, nor Nathan, and assumed they’d been talking again. But that was hours ago.

‘He went to bed,’ Evie said, a shadow crossing her face. ‘He was in the loft trying to fetch something down, and he slipped. He didn’t fall, but it…pulled something.’ Her hand went to her own stomach, and I winced.

‘Why was he doing it alone?’

‘He shouldn’t have been,’ Frances said, her voice sharp. ‘I told him to wait until Mr Beresford could help.’

‘And where was he?’ Evie said coldly. I felt my face heat up, and met Belinda’s eyes across the room. I gave a tiny, pleading shake of my head, hoping no-one else had seen. She looked at me steadily for a moment, then her gaze shifted deliberately to Evie, who was clearly distraught at her husband’s pain. I understood what Bel was trying to say, and Nathan’s words about avoiding peeling potatoes suddenly sounded mocking and hollow in my head. But if Frances discovered what I’d been doing…

‘I think he was helping Kitty finish up in the barn,’ Belinda said. ‘I saw him stacking tools when I went to fetch her for dinner.’ I shot her a look of gratitude, and she replied with a slight nod. ‘I expect he would have gone right up to help Will when he’d finished, but it was too late.’

‘And where is he now?’ Frances wanted to know.

None of us had an answer, and the silence grew less companionable, and more awkward. Then, bless her heart for ever, Belinda brightened.

‘Evie! I forgot to tell you, a letter arrived for you.’ She hobbled over to the fireplace and reached behind the clock for a grubby-looking envelope.

Evie looked at the handwriting and the concern for Will was hidden by a smile. ‘It’s from my brother.’ She smoothed the letter out, and after a moment the smile widened into a grin. ‘I hope Mother doesn’t find this! He says:

“Dearest Evie,

I just wanted to let you know I’ve been granted home leave for ten days from the fourth to the fourteenth of July, and I’m asking you, no,
begging
you, to please come to Oaklands and save me from Mother! In all seriousness, I’m longing to see you and Will—I was devastated to hear of what happened—and would be so pleased if you could come home for a few days, at least. I understand if Will is not able to travel so far just yet, in which case please tell him I’m thinking of him and wishing him well, and I will take a few days out of my time to come to you instead.

Your ever-loving brother

Lawrence”.’

‘I do hope you plan to go,’ Frances said.

Evie looked hopeful. ‘I’d love to, and I think it would do Will the power of good too.’

‘He won’t be tempted to go lugging things about in attics,’ I agreed. ‘Oh, Evie, how lovely for you both!’

‘I’ll apply for leave myself, first thing tomorrow,’ Evie said, folding the letter again, the smile still on her face. ‘And despite what that ghastly boy says, it will be nice to see everyone again, including Mother!’

I felt a twinge of envy at that, and looked at Frances, who was looking at Jessie. The envy grew.

Evie reached into her bag and withdrew her little notebook to put the letter safely between its pages. She glanced at the last page, then up at me. ‘I forgot how close you lived to Uncle Jack all those years.’ She read it again. ‘How close to Formby is Ecclesley?’

I pondered. ‘Ecclesley’s in West Derby, so it’s about fifteen miles I think. Not far at all.’

‘Funny to think of that; it’s a small world after all.’ She put the book back in her bag, but kept glancing at it with a little smile, remembering her brother’s letter.

‘What’s Oaklands like?’ I asked. In all the time we’d worked together, she’d never really talked about it. I saw Jessie lower her book, and Frances sat forward in sudden interest too. Even Belinda looked curious; it was easy to forget Evie was aristocracy. She was so hard-working, and so…normal. She blushed a little at the attention, but it was good to see her mind taken off Will for a moment, and encouraging her to talk about her family home seemed the right thing to do.