Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (10 page)

Getting around New York is easy, thanks to the convenient and simple subway system. The major lines are the IRT, the BMT, the SAT, the LSD, and QED, which operate crosstown, midtown, downtown, thrutown, and camptown trains that are local and quasi-express only with alternating stations northbound between 59th Street and the corner of Twelfth Avenue and Grant’s Tomb
only
on Wednesdays except during lobster season
or
for those passengers holding odd-numbered transfers and claiming more than 8.5 percent of their gross net deductible pretax noninterest income as medical expenses. If you have any questions about this, helpful attendants inside bullet-proof bomb-proof flame-proof machete-proof token-dispensing bunkers will be more
than happy to continue reading the New York
Post
⁷
no matter how loud you yell. Or for equal convenience you can take a taxi, which you get by simply raising your hand and then bringing it down sharply on the heads of the various New Yorkers who will try to leap into the taxi ahead of you. Be sure to speak very clearly to the driver, as he probably just arrived from a Third World nation where the major form of transportation is vines. The standard tip for everything in New York City is a smile and a bright, shiny quarter.

New York State is completely different.

These two dynamic states are usually grouped together because they both begin with “North.” The major products of North Carolina are tobacco and enormous amounts of phlegm. North Carolina also contains the famous “Lost Colony”: ask anyone for directions. North Dakota offers a fascinating array of wheat; the least-crowded time to visit is February.

Ohio proudly calls itself “The Buckeye State,” after the buckeye, a dynamic, hairless carnivorous
nocturnal rodent that traps its prey by pretending to offer really good discounts on jewelry. The largest city in Ohio is Cleveland, which, after years of being the butt of many jokes, has risen to assume its rightful role among major American urban areas as the Future Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We personally visited this attraction, which consisted of an office containing numerous press releases and a model of what the Hall of Fame would look like if it ever got built. The model is about the size of a harmonica. We think it would be a shrewd move on Cleveland’s part to keep it on this scale, rather than building a full-size Hall of Fame, which would probably attract a lot of rowdy people going “WHOOO!” and throwing up on each other. Also, unlike a large building, the model can easily be placed in a briefcase and carried around the country for special events, parties, etc. (“Hey! Somebody sat on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!”).

Other major Ohio cities include Akron (“The Rubber Capital of the World”) and nearby Canton (“The Spermicidal Lubricant Capital of the World”). Ohio’s Official State Literary Device is the metaphor.

The frontier spirit of this dynamic state is best summed up by the Official State Song, from the
Rodgers and Hammerstein musical
Oklahoma
, which begins:

This feeling dates back to the famous Oklahoma land rush of the 1880s, when the government opened Oklahoma for settlement and many would-be settlers came in “sooner” than they were supposed to, thereby earning the Oklahoma its proud nickname, “The Nutmeg State.” Modern Oklahoma boasts both plant and animal life as well as the National Softball Hall of Fame, where every day from nine
A.M
. until six
P.M
.
visitors may get into bitter, sometimes violent arguments over basically nothing. Oklahoma’s Official State Mystery Food Additive is Sodium Erythorbate.

Oregon is called “The Beaver State,” although the University of Oregon team nickname is the “Ducks,” which led to the following actual headline in the Seattle
Times
when an Oregon women’s team lost to a team from the University of Washington (the “Huskies”):

The major industry in Oregon is trying to locate a tree that does not have an ecologist wrapped around it and then cutting it down and selling it to Japan to be converted into price stickers and pasted onto car windows for sale in the United States. Interesting Oregon sights include salmon, which every year return from the Pacific Ocean to swim up rivers, battling fierce currents, waterfalls, and hungry predators, until finally the survivors reach their spawning area, where, driven by an eons-old instinct, they realize that they forgot to bring the eggs.

Pennsylvania is a very historical state, especially Philadelphia, where on July 4, 1776, the Founding Fathers, defying the King and risking execution as traitors, held the Boston Massacre. Visitors to Philadelphia may see the famous Liberty Bell, which was built in 1776 for the fledgling American republic by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, but which never really rang right because of a crack. Other popular Pennsylvania attractions include Pennsylvania Dutch Country, where visitors may see authentic tourists eating and looking around for Amish people to stare at; and Hershey, home of the world-famous Acne Hall of Fame. Pennsylvania’s Official State Salad Dressing is ranch.

Although it is the smallest state in the union, Rhode Island is nevertheless one of the least interesting.

Ha ha! We are just joshing, of course. This dynamic state is a vacation paradise, boasting a population, an average annual rainfall, and historical significance. For example, the Quonset hut was invented here. The Official State Bird (we are not making this up) is a chicken.

Living up to their proud nickname, “The States Whose Names Begin With ‘South,’ ” these two states offer an endless variety of dynamic places to visit, the most popular one being the Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot, where visitors are welcome to lie facedown in the mud for six weeks while being yelled at by men with no foreheads. A major historic site is Fort Sumter, where in 1861 Confederate troops fired the fateful shots that struck Mount Rushmore, causing the formation of giant rock formations shaped like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and Roger Maris. Also do NOT miss the spectacular Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota, which is redecorated each fall with giant murals made from corn, expressing
the theme: “We are going out of our
minds
up here.”

Although Tennessee is what geographers call “a long, skinny state,” it was nevertheless able for many years to contain Elvis Presley, whose Memphis home, Graceland, draws millions of visitors to marvel at The King’s awesome legacy in the field of interior decoration, including a large room with a color scheme based entirely on digestive enzymes. Music lovers will also want to make a “beeline” for Nashville, home of the Grand Old Opera, which stages works by Wagner, Verdi, and Johnny Paycheck (“Take This Ring Trilogy and Shove It”). Tennessee also contains the Oak Ridge nuclear facility, where a 1957 laboratory mishap resulted in the Great Smoking Mountains. There are many other dynamic points of interest you’ll want to see, but be on the lookout for the Tennessee Valley Authority, which is a very large man named Earl M. Potash, Jr. Do exactly what he says.

Texas used to be the largest state, but because of Alaska, it no longer is. Texans are still very touchy about this, so you should be sensitive when you discuss it with them. “What a large
state this is, despite being nowhere NEAR as large as Alaska!” is a sensitive remark you might want to make. Although today Texas is modern and, of course, dynamic, it is proud of its cowboy tradition, which can still be seen in the form of men wearing comical hats. One of the most important historical attractions is the Alamo, the famous San Antonio mission where, in 1836, a small, brave band of Texans formed the nation’s first car-rental franchise, which can still be seen today. Visitors are also welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Library, but they avoid it anyway. Texas also contains many scenic hills and rivers, although nothing like what you see in Alaska.
⁸
The Official State Symptom is irregularity.

Utah (“The Party State”) draws millions of fun-lovers every year to such dynamic attractions as the Great Salt Lake, where visitors may experience the excitement of getting salt all over themselves, followed by the excitement of trying to wash it off. They may
not
, however, put it in their foods, as seasonings are prohibited by law in Utah, along with alcohol, cigarettes, liquor, coffee, tea, and breath mints. Cocaine, on the other hand, is distributed free. The Official State Theoretical Particle is the quark.

(See “New Hampshire.”)

When we think of all the history that has occurred in Virginia, we become so overwhelmed that we have to lie down on the sofa and yell for somebody to bring us a cold beer. Virginia was the site of North America’s first permanent English colonist, James Town, as well as the first House of Burgesses, which was a house where they kept female burges. Tobacco was invented in Virginia, as well as George Washington and seven other U.S. presidents: Jefferson, Monroe, Jefferson, Madison, Park, Lexington, and Third Avenue. The Civil War also occurred in Virginia in a number of national parks. Visitors may witness authentic demonstrations of all of these events, as well as a reenactment of the discovery of the radial tire, at Colonial Williamsburg, where each day men and women wearing authentic eighteenth-century costumes attempt to scratch themselves without anybody noticing. “Dynamic” is a word we would like to include in this sentence.

Washington is nicknamed “The Evergreen State” because it sounds better than “The Incessant
Nagging Drizzle State.” The largest city, Seattle, is one of the nation’s most dynamic and fast-growing urban areas, with thousands of people arriving each week to enjoy a lifestyle that includes an abundant natural supply of slugs. Mount Rainier, an extraordinarily beautiful volcanic peak some fifty miles from the city, blew up in 1963, but nobody in Seattle is aware of this yet because the weather has been pretty cloudy. Seattle also features a giant Space Needle, which is connected via a monorail to a giant Space Catheter. Washington’s Official State Battery Size is AAA.

As an American, you owe it to yourself to visit the nation’s capital, because this is
your
city, where
your
government spends trillions of
your
dollars on dynamic programs such as National Intestinal Blockage Month, administered by
your
government workers in buildings that
you
can’t go into because
you
don’t have a pass. But you can visit many inspirational tourist sites, including the Richard M. Nixon Monument (currently missing) and the Tomb of the Unknown Internal Revenue Service Employee Who Is Supposed to Answer the Taxpayer Assistance Hot Line. You may also visit the White House any time, day or night, simply by pounding on the front gate and shouting vague irrational threats. Another popular Washington stop is the Supreme
Court, where the justices frequently ask the spectators to help them decide a tough case by registering their opinions on the Applause-O-Meter. And be sure to visit your congressperson’s office, where you are welcome to take some souvenir furniture. Your congressperson probably won’t notice. Your congressperson is probably in Paris.

The appeal of this dynamic, rugged state is perhaps best described by the words of mega-weenie John Denver, who sang:

West Virginia has long been a major attraction for tourists who are seeking to escape from their “nine-to-five” office-bound jobs for a chance to get out in the country and mine some coal. West Virginia’s residents are all very friendly and closely related. You can meet them “up close and personal” during the state’s annual Deliverance Canoe Trip and Pig Imitation Festival. West Virginia’s Official State Toilet Part is the flapper.

Wisconsin (“The Moo State”) is of course best known for being highly cow-intensive, but this
state has
much
more to offer the visitor, as is shown by the following actual quotation from the Wisconsin article in
World Book Encyclopedia:
“The state is a leader in canning peas.” There is little that we can add to describe the raw excitement of this dynamic state, except to say that (1) the malted milk was invented in Wisconsin in 1887, and (2) a Wisconsin store once sold us a rubber hat shaped like a giant wedge of cheese, and quite frankly, when we were wearing that hat we could have had any woman we wanted.
⁹
Wisconsin’s Official State Interjection is “Huh.”

Wyoming—often called “The Very Last State That We Have to Write About in This Chapter, Thank God”—contains a great deal of scenery such as the Grand Tetons, which get their name from the Indian expression, “Get a load of those Tetons.” The major attraction is Yellowstone National Park, where nature-loving visitors may learn about the wilderness by witnessing as federal bears, acting on instinct, rummage through Dodge minivans, tossing tourists aside in their quest for Hostess Twinkies. Yellowstone also features Old Faithful Geyser, an amazing natural phenomenon that, at regularly scheduled intervals,
erupts out of the ground and performs “Hello Dolly.” Tips are appreciated.