David Lodge - Small World (5 page)

“I wouldn’t call myself a structuralist,” Morris Zapp interrupted, “A poststructuralist, perhaps.”

Philip Swallow made a gesture implying impatience with such subtle distinctions. “I refer to that fundamental scepticism about the possibility of achieving certainty about anything, which I associate with the mischievous influence of Continental theorizing. There was a time when reading was a comparatively simple matter, something you learned to do in primary school. Now it seems to be some kind of arcane mystery, into which only a small élite have been initiated. I have been reading books for their meaning all my life—or at least that is what I have always thought I was doing. Apparently I was mistaken.”

“You weren’t mistaken about what you were trying to do,” said Morris Zapp, relighting his cigar, “you were mistaken in trying to do it.”

“I have just one question,” said Philip Swallow. “It is this: what, with the greatest respect, is the point of our discussing your paper if, according to your own theory, we should not be discussing what you actually said at all, but discussing some imperfect memory or subjective interpretation of what you said?”

“There is no point,” said Morris Zapp blithely. “If by point you mean the hope of arriving at some certain truth. But when did you ever discover that in a question-and-discussion session? Be honest, have you ever been to a lecture or seminar at the end of which you could have found two people present who could agree on the simplest précis of what had been said?”

“Then what in God’s name is the point of it all?” cried Philip Swallow, throwing his hands into the air.

“The point, of course, is to uphold the institution of academic literary studies. We maintain our position in society by publicly performing a certain ritual, just like any other group of workers in the realm of discourse—lawyers, politicians, journalists. And as it looks as if we have done our duty for today, shall we all adjourn for a drink?”

“Tea, I’m afraid it will have to be,” said Rupert Sutcliffe, clutching with relief this invitation to bring the proceedings to a speedy close. “Thank you very much for a most, er, stimulating and, ah, suggestive lecture.”

” ‘Suggestive and stimulating’—the old fellow hit the nail on the head,” said Persse to Angelica as they filed out of the lecture room. “Does your mother know you’re away out listening to that sort of language?”

“I thought it was interesting,” said Angelica. “Of course, it all goes back to Peirce.”

“Me?”

“Peirce. Another variant spelling of your name. He was an American philosopher. He wrote somewhere about the impossibility of stripping the veils of representation from meaning. And that was before the First World War.”

“Was it, indeed? You’re a remarkably well-read young woman, Angelica, do you know that? Where were you educated at all?”

“Oh, various places,” she said vaguely. “Mainly England and America.”

They passed Rupert Sutcliffe and Philip Swallow in the corridor, in urgent consultation with Bob Busby, apparently about theatre tickets.

“Are you going to the Repertory Theatre tonight?” said Angelica.

“I didn’t put down to go. It didn’t say on the form what the play was.”

“I believe it’s
Lear
.”

“Are you going, then?” Persse asked anxiously. “What about my poem?”

“Your poem? Oh dear, I forgot. Ten o’clock on the top floor, wasn’t it? I’ll try and get back promptly. Professor Dempsey is taking me in his ear, so that will save time.”

“Dempsey? You want to be careful of that fellow, you know. He preys on young women like yourself. He told me so.”

Angelica laughed. “I can take care of myself.”

They found Morris Zapp drinking tea alone in the common room, the other conferees having left a kind of
cordon sanitaire
around him. Angelica went boldly up to the American.

“Professor Zapp, I did so enjoy your lecture,” she said, with a greater degree of enthusiasm than Persse had expected or could, indeed, bring himself to approve.

“Well, thank you, Al,” said Morris Zapp. “I certainly enjoyed giving it. I seem to have offended the natives, though.”

“I’m working on the subject of romance for my doctorate,” said Angelica, “and it seemed to me that a lot of what you were saying applied very well to romance.”

“Naturally,” said Morris Zapp. “It applies to everything.”

“I mean, the idea of romance as narrative striptease, the endless leading on of the reader, a repeated postponement of an ultimate revelation which never comes—or, when it does, terminates the Measure of the text…”

“Exactly,” said Morris Zapp.

“And there’s even a good deal of actual striptease in the romances.”

“There is?” said Morris Zapp. “Yes, I guess there is.”

“Ariosto’s heroines for instance, are always losing their clothes and being gloated over by the heroes who rescue them.”

“It’s a long time since I read Ariosto,” said Morris Zapp.

“And of course,
The Faerie Queene
—the two girls in the fountain in the Bower of Blisse…”

“I must look at that again,” said Morris Zapp.

“Then there’s Madeline undressing under the gaze of Porphyro in `St Agnes’ Eve’.”

“Right, ‘St Agnes’ Eve’.”

“Geraldine in `Christabel’.”

“—Christabel—”

At this point Philip Swallow came bustling up. “Morris, I hope you didn’t mind my having a go at you just now—”

“Of course not, Philip.
Vive le sport
.”

“Only nobody else seemed inclined to speak, and I am very concerned about these matters, I really think the subject is in a state of crisis—” He broke off, as Angelica politely backed away. “Oh, I’m sorry, have I interrupted something?”

“It’s quite all right, we’ve finished,” said Angelica. “Thank you very much, Professor Zapp, you’ve been most helpful.”

“Any time, Al.”

“Actually, you know, my name is Angelica,” she smiled.

“Well, I thought Al must be short for something,” said Morris Zapp. “Let me know if I can give you any more help.”

“He didn’t give you any help at all,” said Persse indignantly, as they helped themselves to tea and biscuits. “You provided the ideas and the examples.”

“Well, his lecture provided the stimulus.”

“You told me he cribbed it all from the other fellow, my namesake.”

“I didn’t say he cribbed it, silly. Just that Peirce had the same idea.”

“Why didn’t you tell Zapp that?”

“You have to treat these professors carefully, Persse,” said Angelica, with a sly smile. “You have to flatter them a bit.”

“Ah, Angelica!” A bright blue suit interposed itself between them. “I’d like to discuss that very interesting idea of Jakobson’s you mentioned this morning,” said Robin Dempsey. “We can’t allow McGarrigle to monopolize you for the duration of the conference.”

“I need to see Dr Busby, anyway,” said Persse, retiring with dignity.

He found Bob Busby in the conference office. A young man from London University, whom Persse had overheard making the remark about generals deserting their armies at the coffee break that morning, was waving a theatre ticket under Busby’s nose.

“Are you trying to tell me that this ticket isn’t for
Lear
after all?” he was saying.

“Well, unfortunately, the Rep has postponed the opening of
King Lear
,” said Busby apologetically. “And extended the run of the Christmas pantomime.”

“Pantomime? Pantomime?”

“It’s the only production in the whole year that makes a profit, you can’t really blame them,” said Busby. “
Puss in Boots
. I believe it’s very good.”

“Jesus wept,” said the young man. “Is there any chance of getting my money back on the ticket?”

“I’m afraid it’s too late now,” said Busby.

“I’ll buy it,” said Persse.

“I say, will you really?” said the young man turning round. “It costs two pounds fifty. You can have it for two quid.”

“Thanks,” said Persse, handing over the money.

“Don’t go telling everybody it’s
Puss in Boots
,” Busby pleaded. “I’m making out it’s a sort of mystery trip.”

“It’s a mystery to me,” said the young man, “why any of us came to this Godforsaken hole in the first place.”

“Oh, it’s not as bad as all that,” said Busby. “It’s very central.”

“Central to what?”

Bob Busby frowned reflectively. “Well, since they opened the M50 I can get to Tintern Abbey, door to door, in ninety-five minutes.”

“Go there often, do you?” said the young man. He fingered Persse’s pound notes speculatively. “Is there a good fish-and-chip shop near here? I’m starving. Haven’t been able to eat a thing since I arrived.”

“There’s a Chinese takeaway at the second traffic lights on the London Road,” said Bob Busby. “I’m sorry that you’re not enjoying the food. Still, there’s always tomorrow night to look forward to.”

“What happens tomorrow night?”

“A medieval banquet!” said Busby, beaming with pride. “I can hardly wait,” said the young man, as he left.

“I thought it would make a rather nice climax to the conference,” said Bob Busby to Persse. “We’re having an outside firm in to supervise the catering and provide the entertainment. There’ll be mead, and minstrels and”—he rubbed his hands together in anticipatory glee—”wenches.”

“My word,” said Persse. “Life runs very high in Rummidge, surely. By the way, do you have a streetplan of the city? There’s an aunty of mine living here, and I ought to call on her. The address is Gittings Road.”

“Why, that’s not far from here!” Busby exclaimed. “Walking distance. I’ll draw you a map.”

Following Busby’s directions, Persse left the campus, walked through some quiet residential streets lined with large, handsome houses, their snowy drives scored by the tyre tracks of Rovers and Jaguars; crossed a busy thoroughfare, where buses and lorries had churned the snow into furrows of black slush; and penetrated a region of older and less well-groomed property. After a few minutes he became aware of a figure slipping and sliding on the pavement ahead of him, crowned by a familiar deerstalker.

“Hallo, Professor Zapp,” he said, drawing level. “Are you taking a stroll?”

“Oh, hi, Percy. No, I’m on my way to visit my old landlord. I spent six months in this place, you know, ten years ago. I even thought of staying here once. I must have been out of my mind. Do you know it well?”

“I’ve never been here before, but I have an aunty living here. Not a real aunty, but related through cousins. My mother said to be sure to look her up. I’m on my way now.”

“A duty call, huh? I take a right here.”

Persse consulted his map. “So do I.”

“How d’you like Rummidge, then?”

“There are too many streetlights.”

“Come again?”

“You can’t see the stars properly at night, because of all the streetlights,” said Persse.

“Yeah, and there are a few other disadvantages I could tell you about,” said Morris Zapp. “Like not a single restaurant you would take your worst enemy to, four different kinds of electric socket in every room, hotel bedrooms that freeze your eyebrows to the pillows, and disc jockeys that deserve to have their windpipes slit. I can’t say that the absence of stars bugged me all that much.”

“Even the moon seems dimmer than at home,” said Persse. “You’re a romantic, Percy, you know that? You ought to write poetry. This is the street: Gittings Road.”

“My aunty’s street,” said Persse.

Morris Zapp stopped in the middle of the pavement. “That’s a remarkable coincidence,” he said. “What’s your aunty’s name?”

“Mrs O’Shea, Mrs Nuala O’Shea,” said Persse. “Her husband is Dr Milo O’Shea.”

Morris Zapp performed a little jig of excitement. “It’s him, it’s him!” he cried, in a rough imitation of an Irish brogue. “It’s himself, my old landlord! Mother of God, won’t he be surprised to see the pair of us.”

“Mother of God!” said Dr O’Shea, when he opened the front door of is large and gloomy-looking house. “If it isn’t Professor Zapp!”

“And here’s your nephew from the Emerald Isle, Percy McGarrigle, come to see his aunty,” said Morris Zapp.

Dr O’Shea’s face fell. “Ah, yes, your mammy wrote, Persse. But I’m afraid you’ve missed Mrs O’Shea—she left for Ireland yesterday. But come in, come in. I’ve nothing to offer you, and surgery starts in twenty minutes, but come in.” He ushered them into a chilly parlour, smelling Faintly of mildew and mothballs, and switched on an electric fire in the hearth. Simulated coals lighted up, though not the element. “Cheerful, I always think—makes you feel warm just to look at it,” said the doctor.

“I’ve brought you a little duty-free hooch,” said Morris Zapp, taking a half-bottle of scotch from his raincoat pocket.

“God love you, it’s just like old times,” groaned Dr O’Shea. He got down on his knees and groped in a sideboard for glasses. “The whisky flowed like water,” he confided in Persse, “when Professor Zapp lived here.”

“Don’t get the wrong idea, Percy,” said Morris Zapp. “It’s just Milo’s way of saying I usually had a bottle or two of Old Grandad in the cupboard. Here’s looking at you, Milo.”

“So where’s Aunty Nuala?” Persse enquired, when they had sunk the whisky, and O’Shea was refilling their glasses.

“Back in Sligo. Family troubles.” Dr O’Shea shook his head gravely. “Her sister is very bad, very bad. All on account of that daughter of hers, Bernadette.”

“Bernadette?” Morris Zapp cut in. “You mean that black-haired kid who was living with you when I had the apartment upstairs?”

“The same. Do you know your cousin Bernadette, Persse?”

“I haven’t seen her since we were children. But I did hear rumours of a scandal.”

“Aye, there was a scandal, all right. After she left us, she went to work in a hotel in Sligo Town, as a chambermaid in a hotel there, and one of the guests took advantage of her. To cut a long story short, she became pregnant and was dismissed.”

“Who was the guy?” said Morris Zapp.

“Nobody knows. Bernadette refused to say. Of course, when she came home, her parents were very shocked, very angry.”

“Told her never to darken their doorstep again?” said Morris Zapp.