Dawn of Forever (Jack & Jill #3) (38 page)

Jillian shook her head. “I don’t understand why you’re telling me all this. I don’t understand the point.”

Jackson sighed. She hated it because it sounded like a sympathy sigh.

“You do understand, you just don’t want to hear it.”

“No.” Denial was the only thing she had left to hold on to.

“I’m sorry. We didn’t know.”

“
We didn’t know?
Are you kidding me? You and Knox show up and ruin my whole fucking life. I leave
everything
, fake my death, watch the man I love mourn over my grave and you’re
sorry
? I was in just as much danger leaving as I would have been staying. The only person coming after us knew who and where we were. Do you see how fucked up this is? How could neither one of you have done your fucking research before destroying my life? You left nothing behind, but I did!” She coughed, a little blood coming up again.

“What’s going on?” Luke asked, carrying a tray with water, ice, and something resembling a smoothie.

Jillian glared at Jackson. “Leave.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not ready for your apology … for any of it.” She didn’t say AJ’s name, but Jackson’s mercy killing had not slipped her mind. It would never slip her mind.

“I died yesterday … when you weren’t breathing. I died. I may make mistakes and act impulsively, but I do it because I love you. When you had the fairytale in your head of Mom and Dad’s ‘perfect’ life, I had nothing but you. When you met Luke, I had nothing but you. But yesterday—in the ambulance—I simply had nothing. So hate me. I’ll fucking take it every single day because it means you’re alive. I don’t need your love. I just … I just need you.”

Jillian clenched her teeth, blinking back her tears. In so many ways the greatest love story of her life was not with Luke or AJ … it was with Jackson.
He
was the constant in her life. His love defined unconditional. Someday she would tell him …
someday
.

Jackson left.

“W
hen did she
stop giving you IV fluids?”

Jillian heard Luke’s voice, but it was still Jackson’s words claiming her every thought.

“It had to have been days ago. They’re going to keep you here for several days to replenish lost fluids and electrolytes. They’re kind of important to keep your heart beating and kidneys working properly. Your hand and shoulder were infected too. They’re treating it with antibiotics.”

“K,” she whispered.

“Did you hear anything I said?”

She stared at the water and smoothie he set on the tray in front of her.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Sorry.” She met his eyes.

“Don’t.” He sat in the chair next to her bed. “I need you to promise me something.”

It felt impossible to promise Luke anything. Their life together was nothing more than broken promises—shattered dreams.

“Don’t ever apologize to me.”

“Luke …”

“I mean it.”

She didn’t respond. It was best left hanging in the air. It was an impossible request.

“I need you to do something for me,” she said.

“Anything.”

“I need you to go home.”

The pain of her words reflected on his face, but she wouldn’t apologize. He didn’t want her to do that.

Luke shook his head. “I can’t. You’ll disappear. I can’t lose you again.”

She gave him a sad smile. “You haven’t really found me yet.”

His eyes searched hers. Only Luke would understand the complexity of her statement.

“I didn’t have to leave. Last year? I. Didn’t. Have. To. Leave. Irene was responsible for my parents’ deaths. It wasn’t related to my father’s job.”

Anger. Luke’s features hardened. She understood.

She swiped the tears that fell to her cheeks. “But here’s the thing … I did leave. And a lifetime happened in that year. I don’t have to be Jillian Knight anymore, but I don’t feel like Jessica Day. I just feel lost and angry, and the pain is …
unbearable
. AJ is dead and you’re alive, right here, and yet … I’m grieving the loss of both of you.”

If she recognized one thing, it was when the man before her fought with the desire to be Luke and the need to be Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones pulled Luke out of the chair. Luke blinked back his tears. Dr. Jones smiled and brushed the back of his hand against her cheek, catching her tears. Then the doctor and the man she’d love for a million lifetimes walked to the door.

“Jessica?” He didn’t turn and for that she was grateful, because she was a breath away from begging him to stay even if it would eventually destroy them.

“Yes?”

“Are we over?”

She clenched her fist next to her heart and swallowed back a sob. “We’ll never be over.”

*

Three days.

They were the longest three days with nothing but her thoughts and grief. Jillian swallowed her stubborn pride and called Jackson to come get her from the hospital when her doctor gave her the OK to go home.

“You wearing that gown home or would you like some clothes.” Jackson stood in the doorway holding up a bag.

She walked over to him, her bare ass peeking out of her hospital gown. “I think my skin will reject clothes…” she grabbed the bag “…but I’ll give it a go.” Lifting on her toes, she planted a kiss on his cheek. “I know you don’t need it, but my love … you have it.”

He returned a sad smile.

“Jujube, you were the first boy I ever loved.”

His smile grew.

Jillian stepped into the bathroom to dress. “Where do we stand with G.A.I.L.?”

“We don’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“Our parents died and so did their killers. We don’t work for the DEA or any other government agency … hell, we barely exist. They’ve ‘cleaned up’ the situation from the past couple of weeks. I said we wanted out.”

“Cleaned up? I didn’t want that place cleaned up.”

“Don’t worry. It’s been burned to the ground. I requested a park be put in its spot.”

“Did I mention I love you?”

“Yes.”

“Though I still don’t understand. Nobody leaves G.A.I.L.”

“We do. Knox is dead. Someone will fill his shoes, but we’re out.”

Jillian peeked around the corner. “You’re serious?”

“Dead.”

“So now what?”

“Now we decide who we want to be. Live within the law and … I don’t know.”

“Can you live within the law?”

Jackson smirked. “I can manage.”

“No killing.”

“I know. I’ve checked everyone off my wish list anyway.”

“You had a ‘killing’ wish list?”

“I guess ‘wish’ sounds a bit self-indulgent. It was more like a to-do list.”

“And you’re done?” She stood in front of him.

“I’m done.”

“Let’s go then.”

*

They headed back
to San Francisco with their freedom. Like all freedom, it was tainted with blood and unimaginable loss.

“Where am I taking you?” Jackson asked.

“The airport.”

“Portland?”

“Yes.”

“Will you be home for Christmas?”

She shrugged. “Where’s home?”

“I think you know.”

She did, but home had changed. Like her freedom, it, too, was tainted.

“Where are you going?”

He grinned. “Home.”

“She’s a good home.”

“She’s the best home.”

Jackson dropped Jillian off at the airport.

“Choose it.” He held out two envelopes. One said Day, the other said Knight.

“What’s this?”

“It’s G.A.I.L’s parting gift. How are you going to get on a plane without any identification or money?

“Good point.”

“Pick.”

She needed more time, but maybe time wouldn’t make the decision any easier. Pulling the envelope from his right hand, she smiled. “New Year’s in Omaha?”

“Omaha.”

*

A cab took
her to Willamette National Cemetery. She had no idea where he was, but it felt like part of her journey to find him. Bundled in a coat and gloves under a cloud-covered sky, she took her time searching. Every headstone had a story, some far more tragic than anything in her life.

Then he appeared.

Aric J Monaghan

She touched her gloved hand to her lips as her eyes filled with tears. “Hey, Aric James.” She squatted down, tracing the writing engraved into the granite. The days of guarding her emotions were over. The only way to move forward was to water his grave with her tears.

“The napkin … God … the napkin. I should hate you so much … but I don’t. I forgive you. I know … you’re probably not sorry, but you should be.” Biting her lips, she swallowed hard. Her heart thundered in her chest as if it felt his nearness.

“I never wanted to love you, until I did. Then for a perfectly beautiful moment in time I didn’t want to love anybody but you.”

She dropped to her knees. “Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Because I do, I miss you every day.” Closing her eyes, she let the tears flow and welcomed the pain. It would forever remind her of the love.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever truly find my path again, but if I do, you’ll always be my favorite detour.”

“Jillian?”

She turned. Wiping her cheeks, she stood. “Hi.”

AJ’s parents gave her sympathetic smiles.

“You should have told us you were coming to Portland.” Char hugged her.

“I’m leaving tonight. It’s just a day trip.”

“How are you? We’ve been so worried about you.” Char stepped back, wrapping her arm around Jim.

“About that … I can’t tell you how horrible I feel about missing the funeral.”

Char’s eyes shifted to the cuts and bruises. “You look … what happened?”

“I … I fell into a bit of bad luck on my way to the funeral.”

“A car accident or something?” Jim asked.

“Yeah, something like that,” she mumbled the last part. “I’ve been in the hospital.”

“Oh my God … we had no idea.” Char reached for Jillian’s hand and squeezed it. “You look terribly thin and fragile.”

She nodded at Char. “I’m going to be fine. I just … needed to talk to him.”

They looked past her to AJ’s grave. “We come every day, but if you need some more time alone we can come back.”

“No. I’ve said…” she batted away a few more tears, drawing in a breath of courage “…all there’s left to say.”

She turned around one last time. “Goodbye, Aric James Monaghan,” she whispered.

T
he lady at
the gate took her ticket before she boarded the plane home.

“Enjoy your flight, Miss Day.”

Jessica nodded. “Thank you.”

At every corner, happiness eluded her. Then when it was right there, she still felt undeserving. Luke was at the hospital, he held her, she saw the depths of the love in his eyes, but … there were still so many buts.

A hotel would have been the smart choice, but at nearly midnight Jessica found herself at Luke’s door instead. She wasn’t sure why or what she expected.

The door opened, sucking the breath from her lungs.

Luke answered in a pair of lounge pants and a white T-shirt. He squinted against the light, rubbing his sleepy eyes. “Hi,” he said in a raspy voice.

“Hi. I … I just…” she shook her head “…don’t know why I’m here.”