Days of Winter (13 page)

“But what’s wrong?”

“The doctors aren’t exactly sure. They’ve given her every test imaginable. Apparently she has a rare muscle disease, almost nothing is known about it.”

“Did it happen recently?”

“Not really. I just wasn’t aware of it … Deborah’s always been fragile, but when I began to notice so much fatigue I got alarmed.”

“I’m so sorry, Leon. Is she in much pain?”

“She never speaks of it …But from time to time, the last few weeks, she can scarcely walk. They tell us she may eventually be completely bedridden.”

“How long will it take?” Rubin asked.

“The doctors won’t predict.”

“Does she know?”

“Yes.”

“Could you have kept the truth from her?”

“I wanted to, but she insisted on knowing … She makes light of it all for our sakes, but I know she suffers …How are things going with you, Rubin? You got married?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about your wife.”

“Well, I love her very much. She’s everything I want … but I also love my family … I’d like to have you both.”

Leon looked closely at his brother. “I want to be honest with you, Rubin.”

“You always have been.”

“It’s strange, a family grows up and lives together, we think we all know each other. Then a crisis comes along and we find we don’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“We have, I’m afraid, a house divided. Maurice and Phillip have done all they could to turn Mother and Father against you. And their wives have kept the pot boiling. And I can say this without feeling at all disloyal to them … they’re extreme. What you did was not so wrong … Deborah and I both feel that you at least were right not to marry someone you didn’t love. Your mistake, I suppose, was the way you did it. It should have been done with discretion. I wish you had confided in me.”

“So do I.” Rubin spoke ruefully. “Does Father despise me?”

“Not at all. Strangely enough, he blames himself for not taking you more seriously.”

“Do you think they would see me, Mother and Father?”

“Yes … I think they would.”

“And Magda …? Is that asking too much?”

Leon frowned. “I’m afraid so, Rubin. Father refuses to talk about it any more, but I know he would see you.”

“Me … but not Magda … well, I can hardly blame him.”

Leon took time out to summon the waiter. Then he shifted the subject somewhat. “At any rate, Jocelyn seems to be surviving nicely, which should give you some comfort. She does the town every night with any number of men.”

“Tell me about her.”

“You probably wouldn’t recognize her, she changed so much. She’s certainly not playing the part of a jilted bride …They only stayed abroad a week.”

“Still, I did treat her shamefully. She’d be entitled to want to see me in hell—”

“She’s had some help in that quarter. Harry Sassoon has done everything possible to harass our family.”

“I’m truly sorry for that, Leon. I just wish he wouldn’t hold the family accountable for my mistakes.”

“Forget it, Rubin. Now, tell me about Magda instead. Lovely name …She’s French, Father said.”

“No, she’s Rumanian, but she lived mostly in Paris.”

“What’s she like?”

“Beautiful … exciting …God, I don’t know. She’s everything I want, a mistress and wife … a woman of many moods—every one of which I love. I don’t always understand her, but I assure you life is never dull.”

“Would you do it again?”

“Yes …”

“I’m very happy for you, Rubin. You know, Father’s refused to take your name off the roster.”

“You mean my name is
still
on the door?”

“Yes.”

Rubin shook his head. “Why?”

“Because Father thinks it’s right.”

“How remarkable he is.”

“Yes … he is. But this war will take a toll on him.”

“How is he?”

“Busy. He had the cabinet meeting last night. It was a great strain.”

“Of course,” said Rubin. “A man with four sons … I’m joining the army, Leon.”

Leon was surprised. “Why the army? You could go into the admiralty as an officer.”

“No, that would be rubbing salt on the wound. You and Maurice and Phillip will be attached to the navy. I’m joining the army today as a private.”

“You’ll be in the infantry, a foot soldier—”

“I know …”

“Then why?”

“Because … perhaps at least to this extent I’m my Father’s son … I think it’s right.”

“Rubin, are you doing this to punish yourself?”

Rubin didn’t answer. …

“Rubin, you’ll be with those poor devils in the front line—”

“Someone has to, you know.”

“Yes, but not my brother. There’s no
reason
to put yourself in such danger.”

“What about those who have no choice?”

“I’m sorry for them, but they’re not you. You have an alternative. For God’s sake, war is a time to survive—”

“I intend to do that.”

“You’re damned stubborn, Rubin.”

Rubin smiled and leaned closer to his brother. “Leon, I must ask you a favor …Will you look in on Magda from time to time? It would mean a great deal to me.”

“Yes, of course, when I’m in London. Of course I will …”

“God bless you, Leon … my dear brother … my dearest friend …”

He wondered if they would ever see each other again.

It was six o’clock that night when Martin opened the door of the Hack mansion. He was on the verge of saying, “I believe you have the wrong address, sir,” when he recognized the caller.

“Mr. Rubin! …Sir …Good evening …I’m delighted to see you.”

“And I you, Martin.” Rubin was already in his uniform, khaki-colored, ill-fitting. His face was pale and strained.

He looked, Martin thought, old beyond his years. …

“Is Father in, Martin?”

Martin coughed nervously. “Yes, sir … he’s in the study. Shall I tell him you’re here?”

“Would you?”

“Indeed, sir.”

Rubin stood in the foyer, his feelings a mixture of unease and pleasure … unease about the grief he’d caused his family, and pleasure at being home once again. …

“Your father is waiting to see you, sir.”

Rubin followed Martin into the study.

Nathan sat in a large chair facing the door. As Rubin approached, his father examined him with tired if friendly eyes. As his son drew close, Nathan stood, reached out and drew Rubin to him, his ingrained British reserve no match for the welcome sight of his youngest child. Backing off after a moment, hands still on his son’s arms, seeing Rubin in his uniform, the war had come home at last. It was terribly real now …And he had helped make the decision, he, Nathan Hack, perhaps only a cog in the enormous wheel called England, nonetheless helping to decide who should live and who should die by simply casting a vote …Nathan Hack, war-maker…
father
…

Neither man could speak for a moment Finally Nathan released his son and sat down. “I knew you would come …”

“I’ve wanted to, Father, for a long time.”

“Pity, the things we deprive ourselves of. Pride is a dreadful thing, Rubin.”

“And the fear of being rejected …”

Nathan nodded. “We raise our children, think we know them, think we understand them, and they think they know us. But that’s not so, Rubin. All our lives we’re strangers to each other …”

“You’re a wise man, Father. I wish
your
wisdom was for sale, I’d buy a gross, though I doubt they’d fit …”

Nathan waved his hand. “I’m only your father, Rubin—”

“Even after what I’ve done?”

“What
we
have done, Rubin. I am not so noble … I made my own fatherly mistake, trying to force my son into my own mold. I confused you with me …I thought you’d react as I did simply because you’re my son …I was mistaken. You’re not merely an extension of me, you’re—”

“But you must have detested me for what I did—”

“No … I was disappointed, yes …Still, in the larger scheme of things, it doesn’t really seem so important. I think you know I’m a religious man. But attendance at the synagogue is not the right test of that. The test is if we practice what we preach. The prodigal, after all, was more loved—”

“Maurice and Phillip apparently don’t share your feelings.”

“Well, they are misguided.” Nathan sighed. “They also are not the extension of myself I once thought they were …When all is said and done, at such a crisis in our lives, I wanted my sons … and their wives … to stand together as one.”

“Except I did hurt them, Father.”

“In the face of a world that’s about to annihilate itself, the episode becomes rather pale. At least no one was killed on that wedding day.”

“Still, it was a painful time. And I deeply appreciate your understanding—”

“My feelings aren’t all that fragile, Rubin. My concern is for you now. With the help of God, when this is over and sanity returns to the world, it might be easier if you lived abroad and started over.”

“Perhaps I will, but I want my children to be English …” Rubin had come to the all-important question. “Father, would you meet her?”

Nathan moistened his lips with a sip of sherry. Then, carefully, he said, “Perhaps, Rubin, in time.”

“But I may be away …I know I have no right, but I ask you to meet her, Father …She’s had a very difficult life …She’s motherless and fatherless, and she isn’t, after all, to blame for my behavior—”

Martin entered then with a tray, which he set down on the table in front of them. “Don’t bother, Martin,” said Nathan. “I’ll take care of this, thank you.” Nathan poured the tea, and Rubin held his breath.

Finally …“Yes, Rubin. Your mother and I will see … your wife …Not here, however.”

“Why not, Father?”

“It simply would be too awkward—for her, and all concerned.”

Rubin was disappointed but understood.

“We have our disagreements,” Nathan went on, “but the family at least still comes here. We remain a family. And your wife would be placed in an unpleasant position …It would be most unkind.”

Rubin got up, went to his father and embraced him. “There are no words, Father, none at all, to thank you … for forgiving me—”

“Oh, my dear boy … it’s only when we can forgive one another that we have the right to ask God to forgive us …That is our law …Yom Kippur, the message …Now then, I suggest we go up to your mother.”

Magda looked at her husband in a state of shock. He had just come in wearing his uniform. She didn’t know whether to faint, scream or break something. How could Rubin have done it … without talking to her? How dare he do such a thing without giving her notice? …Why hadn’t he prepared her? She was not British … she would not be stoical … she was too angry. “Why have you done this?” she screamed in French, then ran into the bedroom and slammed the door.

Solange said, “Rubin, this is really brutal. At least you could have told Magda you were joining today—”

His angry look quieted her, and then he went to the bedroom, where, when he tried to explain to Magda, she slapped him. She immediately felt remorse, but at the moment she was too Rumanian to remember her cultivated manners. They were useful in the drawing room … but now she would not behave like a gracious lady. “Damn you, Rubin … why did you do this to me? Without a word of warning—”

He took hold of her firmly. “Magda, I was wrong, I should have told you, but—”

“You didn’t even consider how this would affect me? What it will do to our lives? Why couldn’t you at least wait to be called up? Oh, don’t bother to explain, I know the answer … you couldn’t
wait
to be killed! How stupidly English—” She was crying, and Rubin pulled her against him. The hot anger gradually spent itself, and she relaxed in his arms.

“Listen to me … I did what I had to do—”

“You should have waited,” she said, crying softly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“And if I had? It would only have been an argument.”

“But you might have avoided service altogether …Your family has influence—”

“Magda, darling, you may be right …I’m stupidly English, but this is my country and I can’t desert it—”

“But you
can
desert me.”

“Listen, darling, there is a war, you and I had nothing to do with starting it but we’re in it now, along with millions of other people who didn’t ask for it but must do their best with the reality of it.”

She looked at him, kissed him impulsively, fiercely. “You and your damned English logic, you always win …I’m sorry I hit you, but sometimes you make me so mad …”

“I know …”

“In Rumania a man would beat a woman who did that.”

“Well, this is not Rumania … and besides, you don’t slap very hard.” He smiled at her.

She glared back at him, unable to stifle a smile of her own. “Perhaps not, but you do make me mad, Rubin … mad enough to kill you sometimes. Does that shock you …?”

“Beyond words … in fact, so much that I want you and Solange to dress, and I mean in your most elegant attire. We, my murderous love, are going out to dine.”

Had he not been Private Rubin Hack he’d have been turned away by the captain at the Café Royal. Enlisted men were not encouraged, but the Hack party was seated at a table in the corner. Rubin refused it and forced the captain to reseat them at a prominent table.

“You’re a snob,” Solange chided.

“Of course. Why shouldn’t I be, with two such beautiful women. I certainly don’t want to hide you in a corner.” …

That night Rubin lay back and watched Magda get ready for bed. She sat on the slipper chair, rolling down her sheer stockings. His eyes never left her for a moment …Her slip fell to the carpeted floor … then the chemise. As she unhooked the front fastening, her delicately shaped breasts were exposed, showing the pink nipples, like small rosebuds …The scant panties were discarded, revealing the triangle of soft burnished hair between her slender, supple thighs. Slipping into a loose peignoir, she sat at the dressing table brushing her hair from its coiffed set. His eyes observed every movement, every motion … the way she took out the long hairpins and placed them in a china tray … the way she picked up the monogrammed silver brush … the way she removed the last traces of makeup. His eyes followed her until she was lost from his sight entering the bathroom.