Dead Drunk II: Dawn of the Deadbeats (Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Book 2) (4 page)

But before he
could pounce on them, another woman ran up to the group in a panic. “Help me
officer, help me!”

The cop did
the exact opposite of help, and instead knocked her down and bit into the barista’s
exposed stomach. Cindy joined in and pulled the poor woman’s gleaming
intestines out before jamming the grayish organ into her mouth. Inside Cindy’s
womb, her zombified baby kicked with anticipation for the meal headed its way.

The random
woman’s demise, as grisly as it was, saved Jen and company from the same fate,
and they had just enough time to pile into the front seat of the car. As Jackie
hit the gas, the zombie cop, Cindy, and the mutilated woman all pounded on the
windows, eager for the fresh meat inside.

Jackie drove
away and the women finally had a chance to catch their breath for a moment. But
they all had the same thought on their minds.

“Where do we
go?” Kelly asked from the back seat.

“There’s a
police station a couple blocks away,” Jackie said and swerved around several
creatures feasting on a midget in the middle of the road. “That’s our best
bet.”

Moments later
they arrived at the station, and were immediately let down. The front door was
shattered and a large group of cannibals was streaming inside. They were met
with gunfire and several fell, but more just kept coming, and soon the firing
stopped. Jackie took her foot off the brake and moved on as her friends either
sobbed or sat stone-faced and silent.

“We can try
and meet up with Blake and his friends. They’re not too far away,” Jen said as
she tried to call her fiancé unsuccessfully one more time.

Jackie shook
her head. “They might be dead by now. My father’s yacht is at Belmont Harbor
and it’s a straight shot from here. We’ll be safer out on the open water.”

“I wouldn’t
be so sure,” Padma said. “We could—”

The surgeon’s
words were interrupted by Kelly puking violently onto the bulletproof window
separating the front seat from the back of the car.

“She’s not
looking so good,” Monica said, stating the painfully obvious as the brownish
liquid cascaded onto the floor. The convulsions came next.

 “That’s
not a hangover,” Padma said ominously. “Was she bitten or something?”

“How am I
supposed to know?” Monica said and grasped at the door handle, but she was
unable to unlock it from the inside. “Guys, open it! Like, now!” Her sister
started licking her lips and drooling like an idiot.

“I’m working
on it,” Jackie said and began frantically pushing buttons on the dashboard.
Unfortunately, one of them turned the sirens on and a large group of beasts
instantly made a beeline for the car. Soon they were surrounded and had to stop
as the mob beat on the doors and windows, threatening to burst in at a moment’s
notice. The doors finally unlocked, but now Monica had nowhere to go. She could
only look at her twin sister and pray for a miracle.

Kelly stopped
shaking and stared off into space as if watching her life flash before her
eyes. In reality, most of her brain was shutting down and all of her memories
and the moments she once cherished were disappearing forever.

The car shot
forward, then Jackie slammed on the brakes and hit reverse, knocking some
creatures down and gaining momentum in the process. She repeated the maneuver and
gained even more speed while smashing a handful of hungry attackers. Bones
crunched, limbs snapped and blood flowed. If they could free themselves of the
crowd though, Monica could jump out to safety and join them in the front seat.

Padma held a
hand to the glass divider and touched Monica’s, praying with her longtime
friend. They made eye contact just as Kelly snapped out of her trance and
turned to her sister for sustenance.

Monica
grabbed Kelly by her throat and held the snapping jaws at bay. It wasn’t the
first time she’d choked her sister, and oddly, the situation made her recall
other fights the two had gotten into throughout the years including spats over
toys, bunk beds, and of course, boys. But their whole lives had been completely
entwined from the beginning; they had shared an egg after all. And so, even
with their occasional quarrels, Monica could not imagine life any other way.

“No, don’t!”
Padma shouted, but it was too late. Monica embraced her sister in one final hug
and screamed in pain as Kelly went to work.

Thankfully
the sounds of the siren shielded the other women from the noises of the feast,
and after a few seconds, it was all over. Jackie slammed on the gas once more
and broke free of the pack, powering down the road with dozens, if not hundreds
of zombies, trailing behind.

“We’re gonna
have to time this just right,” she said while barely avoiding runners and
crashed vehicles. “The boat’s at the end of the pier, so there’s a bit of a
run. I’ll work on getting it started, Padma’s gonna untie the ropes, and Jen,
grab one of the oars from the dingy and keep any bastards from jumping on. Are
we all clear?” They were. “No mistakes.”

The twins
began pounding on the divider in unison, reunited in purpose once more and
sharing the same hunger for flesh. Jen snuck a peek at her infected friends and
began to crack under the pressure. “What is happening? This is madness.”

“Turn around
and get your game face on,” Jackie said with a determined look of her own.
“Let’s worry about the why later.” Jen nodded and took a deep breath.

Her pep talk
over, Jackie slowed down and approached a busy intersection as cars whizzed
past them from all sides. A woman in the middle of the road used the brief
reduction in speed to her advantage and jumped onto the back of the car. She
began pounding heavily on the roof, and the added mayhem of the situation was
about to push even Jackie over the edge.

But soon the
marina was in sight, and Jackie spotted her family’s boat. She drove as close
to the docks as possible and then slammed on the brakes, sending the woman on
the roof flying into the drink at high speed. At the same time, Kelly and
Monica’s heads smashed into the hard divider and they left the world as they
came into it. Bloody, but together.

Jen, Padma
and Jackie exited the car and got busy doing their assigned tasks. Jackie found
the hidden spare key and fired up the engine while Padma struggled to untie the
first of the knots holding the boat to the dock.

Meanwhile,
Jen prowled back and forth on the deck of the yacht, looking for anyone who
needed bashing. She quickly found her first target when the woman from the roof
of the car swam to shore and then tried to jump into the boat. Jen swung and
connected with the woman’s stomach, knocking her to the floor.

“Ouch, what
was that for?” the woman screamed as she rolled over and sat up. “Are you
crazy?”

“I thought
you were one of the maniacs!” Jen said, still gripping the oar and preparing to
strike again.

She shook her
head. “No! I was just trying to get away from those… things. The grocery store
I work at was on fire and everyone was going mad. I saw the police car and
jumped on. You didn’t hear me screaming for the past five minutes?”

Jen lowered
her bludgeon slightly. “The siren was on, so no, we—”

She stopped
as a giant of a man came running down the dock and barreled onto the boat with
murder on his mind. What was left of it, anyway. The former head of security
for Belmont Harbor was still chewing a mouthful of belly flesh from his
previous victim, but he clamored for more. And Jen was already in his grasp.
She brought the oar up and caught the man underneath his chin while Padma
stopped what she was doing to help.

But the
zombie weathered the blow from Jen’s stick and ignored Padma’s well-placed kick
to the groin. He swallowed the chunk of meat already in his mouth and leaned
forward to replace it with a fresh one. At the last moment the grocery girl
jumped on his back, and all three tipped over with a crash.

Padma
furiously kicked at the security guard’s head as the other women tried to
scramble away. He merely rolled onto his back and grabbed Padma’s foot, opening
his mouth wide once again.

There was a
loud pop and a bright light as the guard’s head suddenly radiated sparks,
accompanied by smoke, and a sickly burning smell not easily described. Jackie
had fired a 12-gauge flare gun into the gaping maw of their attacker, and the
burning round had burrowed all the way through to his brain.

Jackie undid
the last knotted rope with several deft maneuvers then silently walked back to
the helm of the boat. She had known Jake the security guard since childhood.

Padma helped
Jen shove the dead body into the water and then nodded to the stranger. “I’m
Padma, that’s Jen and Jackie.”

The new
arrival sat down and began rubbing her stomach again. “Mary.”

Jackie pulled
the boat away as more zombies jumped off the pier, only to sink below the
choppy waters of Lake Michigan. No one spoke as they left the doomed city
behind for good, but they were all thinking about their next step. It was the
end of the world as they knew it, and nobody felt fine.

The nun with
the disfigured face went to retrieve bandages for Left-Nut’s wound, and the
aforementioned jerk got a better look at her. “Yikes! Talk about a butterface.
She’s got a body built for porn but a face made for radio.”

Charlie
gritted his teeth and narrowly avoided lashing out. “Left-Nut – I mean, Matt –
shut it. We’re guests here.”

“Not saying I
wouldn’t hit it,” Left-Nut continued. “Because you know I’d hit it like a baby
seal. The nuns back when I was a—”

“Rob, knock
him out again,” Charlie said.

“Fine, fine.
Look, I’m in a lot of pain right now. I need something to take the edge off, so
is anyone holding? Smokey, I’m looking strongly in your direction.”

The mother
superior was shocked and appalled, but kept her mouth shut given the
circumstances. A zombie had just attacked her, after all. That kind of life
experience tends to expand one’s mind no matter who you are.

Smokey hemmed
and hawed but eventually gave in. “I wanted to save this for a special occasion
but I guess this will do.” He pulled a prescription bottle from the front of
his underwear.

“Why not use
your pocket?” Sam asked.

“Old habits
are hard to break. But still, here’s some hillbilly heroin. That’s OxyContin
for you squares,” Smokey said proudly.

“I’d suck his
dick if it had morphine in it,” Left-Nut said. “Now hand it over, chop chop.”

 “My boy
Julio used to get this for me by the case. Lincoln Park cougars loved the
stuff. Chew the pills up and they’ll affect you faster, but they taste like
crap, bro.” Smokey looked at the nun. “I mean… poop.” The guys were really
struggling to regulate their vocabulary after months of living like animals.
Not that they had been much better before the zombie apocalypse.

Left-Nut took
a handful of the brown tablets and chased them with the last drops of Big Rob’s
flask, taking down the piss-warm rum with gusto. Fifteen minutes later he was
in a lot less pain and totally blistered. After several nuns cleaned and
dressed his wound, Charlie and Rob put him in an empty bedroom to rest.

“I’m gonna
discipline the monkey and take a nap. Best pain killer there is,” Left-Nut
said.

Charlie
closed the door without responding, and then the guys took the rare opportunity
to clean themselves up. They walked to another spare room already supplied with
buckets of hot water, sponges, and homemade soap. Charlie savored the
indulgence as much as he could and then retired to a surprisingly comfortable
couch to catch some winks. The safer surroundings, his clean skin, and the
peaceful ambiance of the convent put him to sleep in less than a minute. It
didn’t last.

“La,
lalalalalalala, la la!” Rob belted out opera in the bathroom while vigorously
scrubbing the zombie splatter from his body. The bucket turned red as bits and
pieces of flesh bobbed up and down in the water. “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!”

Charlie put a
pillow over his head, but the noise actually seemed to get louder. However, the
annoyance was soon forgotten as one of his other senses went into overdrive.
The smell of freshly baked bread filled the room, and Charlie’s mouth watered
like never before. A home cooked meal would be a thing of beauty after weeks of
cat food and beef jerky. He knocked on the bathroom door. “Hey, Enrico Pullazo,
hurry up in there. They’re ready to serve lunch.”

Rob heard the
magic words and grabbed a towel in an instant. He was still dripping wet when
he came out a few seconds later with soap bubbles still clinging to his beard.
“I think I smell it.”

They met Sam
and Smokey in the hallway and made their way towards the dining area. Charlie
noticed skylights in every room, and there were no visible lamps or light
switches. “They don’t have electricity.”

“Doesn’t
matter to me as long as the food’s good,” Rob noted as they entered the dining
room. About a dozen elderly nuns joined them at a plain wooden table in the
nondescript room. The scarred-up nun brought in a basket of piping-hot, freshly
baked bread and pitchers of water.

“Smells
great,” Rob said and grabbed an entire loaf, shoving it into his cavernous
mouth as the women stared at him in disbelief. The sounds he made could almost
be described as sexual in nature.

“Um, Rob,”
Charlie said and gave him an elbow.

Rob continued
to chew slowly until he noticed the glare from the Mother Superior. So he set
the crusty loaf down, albeit under protest, and Agnes began to say a short
prayer. Twenty minutes later she gave the signal that it was okay to eat.

Unfortunately,
it turned out the bread was not an appetizer as Rob suspected, but the main
course. When squash was brought in as dessert instead of the apple pie he had
been imagining, it appeared Rob was about to have a major meltdown.

Seeing his friend
in distress, Charlie gave Rob the rest of his own bread, thanked the nuns for
the meal, and then addressed Mother Agnes with something that had been
bothering him. “I gotta ask about something. You said you had no idea about the
zombie situation before today, but you seem strangely stoic about the fact that
a deranged priest just tried to eat you. I’m a bit confused.”

Agnes Vukavka
smiled at Charlie, but there was little warmth behind her expression. “If the
dead are coming back to life it means that the return of Christ, our Savior, is
at hand, and we have nothing to fear. This is what we have prepared for our
whole lives.”

“It ain’t
like that, trust me,” Charlie said. “They’re just sick people. They got chewed
on and then they turned into cannibals. It’s like rabies, and honestly, I don’t
think God has anything to do with it.”

“I think
you’re wrong, young man. After all, this very scenario was written in Isaiah
26:19. But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the
dust, wake up and shout for joy.”

Charlie bit
his lip while trying not to lose his temper. They needed help and sanctuary,
not bible lessons. Still, he had to make them see reality.

“That priest
outside wasn’t exactly shouting for joy when he tried to bite your face off. He
was… well, trying to bite your face off.”

Smokey gave
Sam a high five. “Again, excellent shot, bro. Took him down like a boss.” The
preteen beamed with pride. Fitting in was something he’d never done, and his
new acquaintances, as crazy as they were, seemed to be trying hard to bring him
into the fold. To an orphan, that meant a lot.

The nuns were
alarmed to see someone challenging their leader, but having taken an oath of
silence, all they could do was look down in anticipation of the haranguing that
was sure to come.

However,
Agnes didn’t respond with the anger they’d come to expect.

“You’re
right. I don’t know precisely what’s going on. But God’s mysteries aren’t
always apparent to us, now are they?”

“I guess
not,” Charlie conceded with a sigh.

“I’m
confident all will be revealed in good time, especially with plenty of prayer
and introspection – which, by the way, is our specialty here.”

 “You
work on figuring out God’s mysteries and we’ll work on fixing our friend up,”
Charlie said with a bit of sarcasm creeping into his voice.

Agnes nodded.

“Biggsburg is
a small town about three miles away. A doctor’s office there would have what
you need. Tetanus shots, bandages, iodine. I wish we could help more, but we
only use what we make ourselves.”

“We passed it
on our way here,” Smokey said. “What’s left of it. Unfortunately the place
looked pretty toasted.”

“I can lead
you around the town,” Sam said. “I know it pretty well and—”

“That’s not happening,”
Charlie replied. “The place is a mess. Sorry, but you’re staying here.”

“You said I’m
part of the group and now you’re already kicking me out?”

Charlie
quickly changed tactics. “No. Somebody has to stay behind and protect the
convent from…” Charlie was going to say “Left-Nut,” but realized that wouldn’t
sit well with his hosts. “The zombies. That’s your job.” He looked to Agnes.
“Can you draw us a map?”

She nodded.
“Yes. The office won’t be hard to find.”

“If the place
hasn’t burned down already,” Smokey added.

The meal
ended on that note, so Charlie and company went back to the spare rooms to get
their gear. He longingly looked at the unadorned yet cozy room. Soft blankets
and fresh, clean sheets were the types of simple pleasures that had become
luxuries during the apocalypse. Plus, there were no giant rats lurking in the
shadows, no rotting corpses festering outside, and no whiskey farts lingering
around like an unwanted roommate. Leaving the convent so soon was the last
thing Charlie Campbell wanted to do. Especially for Left-Nut, of all people.

“I’ll be
honest, I don’t want to go,” Smokey said, vocalizing what Charlie was thinking.
“Maybe we just leave Lefty here?”

But Rob would
have none of it. “Without treatment he’ll go downhill fast and probably die.
Remember, we never leave a man behind. Even if he is an asshole.”

Charlie
nodded. “Rob’s right. About the asshole part, mostly. Plus, if there is a God,
I’m pretty sure he’d take a dump on us if we left Matt Tucker in a convent
without adult supervision. That’s just asking for it.”

“Fine,”
Smokey said. “I’ll go, but as long as we’re shopping I’d like to pick up a
little medicinal marijuana. For my glaucoma, of course.”

“Of course,”
Charlie said. “We’d better have at it, though. The quicker we get there the
quicker we get back and get rested up. Then we can go home. I can’t wait to see
Brooke and Brandon. And what’s this I heard about Rob getting a kiss from
Kate?” Rob’s face reddened at the mention of it. “She sticks a knife in my neck
and kisses you, huh? Nice.”

With the
banter done, the men geared up and stopped by to check on Left-Nut, who was
being tended to by the younger nun that seemed to be everywhere. She was
dabbing at his oozing wound while he made obnoxious gestures where she couldn’t
see.

“We’re
leaving to find you meds,” Charlie said, not amused. “We’ll be back in a few
hours. I told that Sam kid to shoot you if you start acting up. I think he
will.”

“Can you
refill my Viagra prescription while you’re there?”

Charlie was
even less amused. “I swear, the one difference between you and a bag of crap is
the bag. Anyways, we don’t have time to chitchat. We’ll be back.”

“Guys,
thanks,” Left-Nut said, dropping his shtick for once and surprising even
himself. Then he smiled a toothy grin as the shapely nun started up with a
sponge once more. “Soooo… tell me about your horribly disfigured face.” He
still had it.

*                      
*                      
*

Every step
Charlie took through the forest pissed him off more than the one before. Here
he was, risking his life for someone he almost threw to the zombies days
earlier. Even worse, his goal of reuniting with his pregnant girlfriend was
being put on the backburner indefinitely. Being the good guy was getting old
fast.

Rob shook the
forest with one of his signature farts and his eyes grew wide. “Woops. I should
have held that one in a little longer to ripen.”

“Damn, that’s
gonna itch when it dries,” Smokey said.

Rob nodded.
“Yeah, I better grab some leaves.”

Charlie
chuckled at his friends and his mood improved considerably while Big Rob
disappeared behind some foliage. Sometimes it helped to laugh at the ridiculous
parts of life. With these guys there was plenty of material.

“Fellas,
you’re gonna want to see this,” Rob said from the bushes.

“I highly
doubt that,” Charlie shot back. “Wipe your bunghole and let’s go.”

“No, I mean
really, come check it out,” Rob said with more urgency in his voice. Sure
enough, he’d discovered a small clearing that held a gruesome discovery.

Smokey peeked
around Rob. “Bummer.”

In front of
them was a mass grave with bodies in differing states of decay. The fallen
residents of Biggsburg had been covered with quicklime in a failed attempt to
dissolve the corpses. Some had faces frozen in terror with mouths open in
silent screams, a testament to how horrible their final moments had been. Even
creepier were the ones that looked like they might still be among the living,
with eyes glistening and lifelike. One of those fresh bodies was wearing a Boy
Scout uniform and knee-high socks. Charlie pointed to the man and sighed.

“It looks
like Scout Leader Frank didn’t make it after all. Should we tell Sam?
Personally, I’d say—”

There was
movement on the other side of the grave and the guys were forced to freeze in
place to avoid being spotted.

Several weary
Chinese soldiers came through the clearing, pushing wheelbarrows heavily laden
with even more bodies. One soldier in green seemed to be supervising four other
men dressed in slightly different brown uniforms. He barked an order and the
soldiers tossed the bodies into the pit. The tangle of limbs and torsos, bloody
stumps and burnt skin was as disgusting as it was tragic. Each body took with
it a story never to be told, and represented a final insult for the poor souls
consumed by a chain of events far removed from the little town in the middle of
nowhere.

Their grim
task finished, the leader shouted again and the men lined up on the edge of the
pile, facing away from him. The stocky junior sergeant casually pulled his
sidearm and fired into the back of one man’s head. The body slumped to the
ground before tipping forward into the abyss. A second shot rang out and
another man dropped down with blood spurting in fits from his opened skull.