Dead Souls (44 page)

"But how so? What can
I
teach you?" exclaimed Kostanzhoglo in
confusion. "I myself was given but the plainest of educations."

"Nay, most worthy sir, you possess wisdom, and again wisdom. Wisdom
only can direct the management of a great estate, that can derive a
sound income from the same, that can acquire wealth of a real, not a
fictitious, order while also fulfilling the duties of a citizen and
thereby earning the respect of the Russian public. All this I pray you
to teach me."

"I tell you what," said Kostanzhoglo, looking meditatively at his
guest. "You had better stay with me for a few days, and during that
time I can show you how things are managed here, and explain to you
everything. Then you will see for yourself that no great wisdom is
required for the purpose."

"Yes, certainly you must stay here," put in the lady of the house.
Then, turning to her brother, she added: "And you too must stay. Why
should you be in such a hurry?"

"Very well," he replied. "But what say YOU, Paul Ivanovitch?"

"I say the same as you, and with much pleasure," replied Chichikov.
"But also I ought to tell you this: that there is a relative of
General Betristchev's, a certain Colonel Koshkarev—"

"Yes, we know him; but he is quite mad."

"As you say, he is mad, and I should not have been intending to visit
him, were it not that General Betristchev is an intimate friend of
mine, as well as, I might add, my most generous benefactor."

"Then," said Kostanzhoglo, "do you go and see Colonel Koshkarev NOW.
He lives less than ten versts from here, and I have a gig already
harnessed. Go to him at once, and return here for tea."

"An excellent idea!" cried Chichikov, and with that he seized his cap.

Half an hour's drive sufficed to bring him to the Colonel's
establishment. The village attached to the manor was in a state of
utter confusion, since in every direction building and repairing
operations were in progress, and the alleys were choked with heaps of
lime, bricks, and beams of wood. Also, some of the huts were arranged
to resemble offices, and superscribed in gilt letters "Depot for
Agricultural Implements," "Chief Office of Accounts," "Estate Works
Committee," "Normal School for the Education of Colonists," and so
forth.

Chichikov found the Colonel posted behind a desk and holding a pen
between his teeth. Without an instant's delay the master of the
establishment—who seemed a kindly, approachable man, and accorded to
his visitor a very civil welcome—plunged into a recital of the labour
which it had cost him to bring the property to its present condition
of affluence. Then he went on to lament the fact that he could not
make his peasantry understand the incentives to labour which the
riches of science and art provide; for instance, he had failed to
induce his female serfs to wear corsets, whereas in Germany, where he
had resided for fourteen years, every humble miller's daughter could
play the piano. None the less, he said, he meant to peg away until
every peasant on the estate should, as he walked behind the plough,
indulge in a regular course of reading Franklin's Notes on
Electricity, Virgil's Georgics, or some work on the chemical
properties of soil.

"Good gracious!" mentally exclaimed Chichikov. "Why, I myself have not
had time to finish that book by the Duchesse de la Valliere!"

Much else the Colonel said. In particular did he aver that, provided
the Russian peasant could be induced to array himself in German
costume, science would progress, trade increase, and the Golden Age
dawn in Russia.

For a while Chichikov listened with distended eyes. Then he felt
constrained to intimate that with all that he had nothing to do,
seeing that his business was merely to acquire a few souls, and
thereafter to have their purchase confirmed.

"If I understand you aright," said the Colonel, "you wish to present a
Statement of Plea?"

"Yes, that is so."

"Then kindly put it into writing, and it shall be forwarded to the
Office for the Reception of Reports and Returns. Thereafter that
Office will consider it, and return it to me, who will, in turn,
dispatch it to the Estate Works Committee, who will, in turn, revise
it, and present it to the Administrator, who, jointly with the
Secretary, will—"

"Pardon me," expostulated Chichikov, "but that procedure will take up
a great deal of time. Why need I put the matter into writing at all?
It is simply this. I want a few souls which are—well, which are, so
to speak, dead."

"Very good," commented the Colonel. "Do you write down in your
Statement of Plea that the souls which you desire are, 'so to speak,
dead.'"

"But what would be the use of my doing so? Though the souls are dead,
my purpose requires that they should be represented as alive."

"Very good," again commented the Colonel. "Do you write down in your
Statement that 'it is necessary' (or, should you prefer an alternative
phrase, 'it is requested,' or 'it is desiderated,' or 'it is prayed,')
'that the souls be represented as alive.' At all events, WITHOUT
documentary process of that kind, the matter cannot possibly be
carried through. Also, I will appoint a Commissioner to guide you
round the various Offices."

And he sounded a bell; whereupon there presented himself a man whom,
addressing as "Secretary," the Colonel instructed to summon the
"Commissioner." The latter, on appearing, was seen to have the air,
half of a peasant, half of an official.

"This man," the Colonel said to Chichikov, "will act as your escort."

What could be done with a lunatic like Koshkarev? In the end,
curiosity moved Chichikov to accompany the Commissioner. The Committee
for the Reception of Reports and Returns was discovered to have put up
its shutters, and to have locked its doors, for the reason that the
Director of the Committee had been transferred to the newly-formed
Committee of Estate Management, and his successor had been annexed by
the same Committee. Next, Chichikov and his escort rapped at the doors
of the Department of Estate Affairs; but that Department's quarters
happened to be in a state of repair, and no one could be made to
answer the summons save a drunken peasant from whom not a word of
sense was to be extracted. At length the escort felt himself removed
to remark:

"There is a deal of foolishness going on here. Fellows like that
drunkard lead the barin by the nose, and everything is ruled by the
Committee of Management, which takes men from their proper work, and
sets them to do any other it likes. Indeed, only through the Committee
does ANYTHING get done."

By this time Chichikov felt that he had seen enough; wherefore he
returned to the Colonel, and informed him that the Office for the
Reception of Reports and Returns had ceased to exist. At once the
Colonel flamed to noble rage. Pressing Chichikov's hand in token of
gratitude for the information which the guest had furnished, he took
paper and pen, and noted eight searching questions under three
separate headings: (1) "Why has the Committee of Management presumed
to issue orders to officials not under its jurisdiction?" (2) "Why has
the Chief Manager permitted his predecessor, though still in retention
of his post, to follow him to another Department?" and (3) "Why has
the Committee of Estate Affairs suffered the Office for the Reception
of Reports and Returns to lapse?"

"Now for a row!" thought Chichikov to himself, and turned to depart;
but his host stopped him, saying:

"I cannot let you go, for, in addition to my honour having become
involved, it behoves me to show my people how the regular, the
organised, administration of an estate may be conducted. Herewith I
will hand over the conduct of your affair to a man who is worth all
the rest of the staff put together, and has had a university
education. Also, the better to lose no time, may I humbly beg you to
step into my library, where you will find notebooks, paper, pens, and
everything else that you may require. Of these articles pray make full
use, for you are a gentleman of letters, and it is your and my joint
duty to bring enlightenment to all."

So saying, he ushered his guest into a large room lined from floor to
ceiling with books and stuffed specimens. The books in question were
divided into sections—a section on forestry, a section on
cattle-breeding, a section on the raising of swine, and a section on
horticulture, together with special journals of the type circulated
merely for the purposes of reference, and not for general reading.
Perceiving that these works were scarcely of a kind calculated to
while away an idle hour, Chichikov turned to a second bookcase. But to
do so was to fall out of the frying-pan into the fire, for the
contents of the second bookcase proved to be works on philosophy,
while, in particular, six huge volumes confronted him under a label
inscribed "A Preparatory Course to the Province of Thought, with the
Theory of Community of Effort, Co-operation, and Subsistence, in its
Application to a Right Understanding of the Organic Principles of a
Mutual Division of Social Productivity." Indeed, wheresoever Chichikov
looked, every page presented to his vision some such words as
"phenomenon," "development," "abstract," "contents," and "synopsis."
"This is not the sort of thing for me," he murmured, and turned his
attention to a third bookcase, which contained books on the Arts.
Extracting a huge tome in which some by no means reticent mythological
illustrations were contained, he set himself to examine these
pictures. They were of the kind which pleases mostly middle-aged
bachelors and old men who are accustomed to seek in the ballet and
similar frivolities a further spur to their waning passions. Having
concluded his examination, Chichikov had just extracted another volume
of the same species when Colonel Koshkarev returned with a document of
some sort and a radiant countenance.

"Everything has been carried through in due form!" he cried. "The man
whom I mentioned is a genius indeed, and I intend not only to promote
him over the rest, but also to create for him a special Department.
Herewith shall you hear what a splendid intellect is his, and how in a
few minutes he has put the whole affair in order."

"May the Lord be thanked for that!" thought Chichikov. Then he settled
himself while the Colonel read aloud:

"'After giving full consideration to the Reference which your
Excellency has entrusted to me, I have the honour to report as
follows:

"'(1) In the Statement of Plea presented by one Paul Ivanovitch
Chichikov, Gentleman, Chevalier, and Collegiate Councillor, there
lurks an error, in that an oversight has led the Petitioner to apply
to Revisional Souls the term "Dead." Now, from the context it would
appear that by this term the Petitioner desires to signify Souls
Approaching Death rather than Souls Actually Deceased: wherefore the
term employed betrays such an empirical instruction in letters as
must, beyond doubt, have been confined to the Village School, seeing
that in truth the Soul is Deathless.'

"The rascal!" Koshkarev broke off to exclaim delightedly. "He has got
you there, Monsieur Chichikov. And you will admit that he has a
sufficiently incisive pen?

"'(2) On this Estate there exist no Unmortgaged Souls whatsoever,
whether Approaching Death or Otherwise; for the reason that all Souls
thereon have been pledged not only under a First Deed of Mortgage, but
also (for the sum of One Hundred and Fifty Roubles per Soul) under a
Second,—the village of Gurmailovka alone excepted, in that, in
consequence of a Suit having been brought against Landowner
Priadistchev, and of a caveat having been pronounced by the Land
Court, and of such caveat having been published in No. 42 of the
Gazette of Moscow, the said Village has come within the Jurisdiction
of the Court Above-Mentioned."

"Why did you not tell me all this before?" cried Chichikov furiously.
"Why you have kept me dancing about for nothing?"

"Because it was absolutely necessary that you should view the matter
through forms of documentary process. This is no jest on my part. The
inexperienced may see things subconsciously, yet is imperative that he
should also see them CONSCIOUSLY."

But to Chichikov's patience an end had come. Seizing his cap, and
casting all ceremony to the winds, he fled from the house, and rushed
through the courtyard. As it happened, the man who had driven him
thither had, warned by experience, not troubled even to take out the
horses, since he knew that such a proceeding would have entailed not
only the presentation of a Statement of Plea for fodder, but also a
delay of twenty-four hours until the Resolution granting the same
should have been passed. Nevertheless the Colonel pursued his guest to
the gates, and pressed his hand warmly as he thanked him for having
enabled him (the Colonel) thus to exhibit in operation the proper
management of an estate. Also, he begged to state that, under the
circumstances, it was absolutely necessary to keep things moving and
circulating, since, otherwise, slackness was apt to supervene, and the
working of the machine to grow rusty and feeble; but that, in spite of
all, the present occasion had inspired him with a happy idea—namely,
the idea of instituting a Committee which should be entitled "The
Committee of Supervision of the Committee of Management," and which
should have for its function the detection of backsliders among the
body first mentioned.

It was late when, tired and dissatisfied, Chichikov regained
Kostanzhoglo's mansion. Indeed, the candles had long been lit.

"What has delayed you?" asked the master of the house as Chichikov
entered the drawing-room.

"Yes, what has kept you and the Colonel so long in conversation
together?" added Platon.

"This—the fact that never in my life have I come across such an
imbecile," was Chichikov's reply.