Dead Stars (56 page)

“Shirin Ebadi,” said Michael. “Brave lady. We had a great time with her. She's Muslim.
Yusuf Islam
sang
Peace Train
.”

“Isn't that Cat Stevens?” said Toni.

“Right. I don't think the audience knew though.”

“Of course they did!” said Catherine.

“A lot of em didn't. But I never argue with my wife.”

“The hell you don't,” said the firebrand.

“Because I know it'll end in blood. And it won't be hers.”

She swatted him, as was her wont.

“We had a
wonderful
party in Oslo,” said the laureate. “Lou & Laurie—Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson—and Bono.”

“Bono is such a giver,” said Catherine.

“He sang ‘One,'” said Toni.

“That's what
I
sang!” said Catherine.

“Not
that
‘One.' The
U2
‘One,'” he said.

“I
know
. I was just being silly.”

“Fran should have emceed,” said the actor to Toni. “I take it back—that might have been dangerous! She should have sung a little ditty with Lou.”

“Did you know that she's a
wonderful
lyricist? Fran is one of the great unsungs—literally!”

“That's funny.”

“That woman
astonishes me with her gifts
. In my mind, she's right up there with Sondheim & Noël Coward. But inevitably, unmistakably . . .
Fran.
” Her delivery was throaty and expansive, as was her laugh.

“Catherine sang ‘One'—from
A Chorus Line—
when we were over there hosting the Peace Concert. Remember how much fun you had, Cat?”

“Marvin Hamlisch wrote me new lyrics, so it made sense when I sung it to Shirin. But he didn't really have to change too much. ‘She walks into a room & you know she's uncommonly rare, very unique'—well that
is
Shirin. Marvin didn't have to touch that.”

“. . . peripatetic, poetic & chic,” said Joyce, finishing the lyric.

“You
know
it!” said Catherine.

“I do,” she said. “I actually reviewed
A Chorus Line
for
The Times Literary Supplement
.”

. . .

Telma got up from the table and ran off, dragging Biggie along.

Brando said to Bud, “Did you get an email from my little brother?”

“He sent it to me right after we met.”

“So what do you think? Did you read it?”

“I did. It's an amazing story. It's dark.”

“Tell me about it. Welcome to my nightmare!”

Bud said, “It made me think of
Antigone
.”

Of course it
hadn't
; it was Biggie who referenced the play. Bud read the detailed synopsis in SparkNotes online.

“What's
Antigone
?” asked Brando.

“A Greek play,” said Bud, with casual assurance. “About a king who refuses to bury the body of his son. Antigone's the sister, who tries to get her brother a decent burial.”

“Jesus,” said Brando.

“Everyone in it dies, don't they?” said Wendy, almost rhetorically. She was easygoing, comfortably chiming in without having to know a whole backstory. “Antigone's
brother
dies, then
Antigone
dies . . . doesn't she hang herself? I think even the
king
dies. And the king's
son,
& the king's
wife
—————”

Bud thought it was classy that Wendy always downplayed the scope of her knowledge. She probably spoke Greek.

“Do you think there's a
movie
there?” said Brando. The question was directed at Wendy as much as it was toward Bud. “Or maybe I should ask, do you think there's a
script
.”

Before Bud could answer, Telma roared up to the table holding a tall, ostrich-looking man's hand. Biggie was right behind her, panting. He plunked down beside his brother while Telma stood between Phoebe & Gwen.

“Mom! Look who I found! It's Dr. Bessowichte!”

The awkward Bessowichte shifted on his shifty feet.

He was nothing to her but
Dr. Mengele
now.

Gwen froze him out.

“Mom? What's the matter?”

“Nothing sweetheart.”

“But you're being rude!”

“The doctor and I aren't speaking. We had a difference of opinion.”

“About
what
?”

Gwen hesitated a moment, then:

“Obama.”

. . .

Telma on the run again, a sugarless people high.

OMG she saw Khloé Kardashian.
OMG!!! They hugged and hugged, hadn't seen each other since the KKs took over Lucy's El Adobe for Kourtney's birthday. Ryan Seacrest paid Khloé and Telma $25,000 to sing “Smile,” & all the money went to the ped-
OINK
Research wing of St. Ambrose's.

Telma told Khloé she was singing “Over the Rainbow” tonight and was going on right after
Beyoncé.
Khloé said she already
knew
that, because it was in the
program
(it was too late to print the change re the Aleisha finale).
OMG you're CLOSING the SHOW!
said Khloé, which made Telma feel funny/sick in her stomach.
You're my little STAR! I cannot BELIEVE that BEYONCÉ is your opening act!!!
Telma said,
Yeah I know, I'm at the very end, well not the VERY end but ALMOST
(unable to bring herself to tell Khloé that in fact she, Telma, was the opening act for
ALEISHA,
she felt funny in her stomach again, sick & less-than & ashamed).
Then Telma had an idea how she could
totally
steal the show from Aleisha if Khloé sang “Rainbow” with her like they did for Kourtney's bday.
Khloé! Khloé! Do you want to sing it with me do you
WANT TO
do you want to do a
DUET
with me?!?!
Khloé laughed, Telma was so
happy,
she knew she'd found a
perfect solution
, a way out of the nightmare, Telma hung on Khloé saying how much everyone would
love
it but Khloé held firm, she said she hated her voice & that she'd “officially retired as a singer. Too painful!”
But what if someone pays us $25,000?!
Khloé laughed again.
I'm totally serious, Biggie will! My friend Biggie & his brother will, they'll probably give us a
MILLION
dollars if we sang———My little
HUSTLER! said Khloé with great affection. No, she couldn't, she really just wanted to sit & enjoy & not have the spotlight on her, it was
such
a relief not to even have the cameras there tonight (the absence of which had initially depressed Telma but then she was glad because all they would do was capture Aleisha's performance and make a
out of her), Lamar was in NYC & all she wanted to do tonight was be
entertained
by Telma & “your opening act, Beyoncé
.
”

Then Telma remembered with a
shock
the
letter
she wrote to Khloé's mom, she was going to send it to askkris @ Life&Style mag, but
why
, what a
lame plan
, what was
wrong
with her, why didn't she just think of getting it to Khloé to give to Kris there were a
hundred
different ways she could have done that, but this was so
easy
because Telma had actually
known
for
two weeks now
that Khloé was probably coming to the Courage Ball—or why didn't she even think of just leaving it in the Kardashian
mailbox
(which on 2nd thought probably wasn't the easiest thing to do, with the security they probably had at the house) with a note that said something like “
Pass it on!
signed Telma El Adobe.” Luckily, Telma hadn't yet mailed it anywhere so she ran back to the table & told Khloé she had a letter she wanted her to pass onto her mom, it was very
personal
, & Khloé said of
course
she would, Telma said she couldn't give it to her
tonight
because it was back at the house & Khloé said not a problem, tomorrow she'd send a
courier
, not a
messenger
—the Kardashians know how to do
EVERYTHING
!!!!) to Telma's house in Cheviot Hills. Khloé said, “But honey why send a letter when you can just talk to Mom directly?” Telma said
OMG
do you think she would have the
time?
& Khloé laughed and said “She's
my mom
. I
think
I know her schedule better than you do! Mom'll
make
the time, or I will kick her fat ass. She will
always
have time for
you!
”

It was all too much to compute, Khloé was saying her mom always had time for her but Telma barely remembered even saying that much of a hello to Kris at Kourtney's party, not that she supposed it really mattered, & besides, Telma was really starting to spin
out
on her crazed sugarfree people-high (she was actually a “vegan Nazi”—she stopped eating sugar when she learned she had kancer, the nutritionist told her to stay away from all karcinogenic or “kancer-friendly” items
especially
sugar, Telma was always telling everyone ((
especially
the parents of kancerkidz)) ((except not Aleisha's mom)) that sugar was THE ABSOLUTE WORST for the human body &
along with dairy which human beings were not meant to consume
could
literally
FEED THE KANCER AND
KILL
you). She thanked Khloé & said she had to hurry and go find Michael Douglas before the show began & Khloé laughed, saying
My little hustler
again then turned to the
unidentified friend
sitting next to her to say,
This girl's gunna
GO
places
. As Telma left she extracted/confirmed Khloé's promise that once she got the letter, she would
hand-courier
it to Mama Bear. Khloé said she
absolutely
would but to
please call
if she wanted her to just pick her up & drive her to Kris' house (OMG!!!!!!!!) adding with a wink how it was all very
mysterious,
this mysterious
letter
, & what a mysterious
girl
she was & how
adorable—
turning again to her unidentifed friend to say:
Agent Telma—International Woman of Mystery!

The excitable little gal flitted from the table, like a bee moving on to another flower.

. . .

Dessert and coffee were being served.

Bud had a few ideas for movies in his back pocket that he wanted to float past Brando.
Hey why not, I'm a made man, already in the Ooh Baby stable.
Real smooth and casual . . . just plant a seed. You never know.

“What do you think about doing a kind of
prequel
to
The Social Network
, except it's about the early days of
Microsoft
. When the cracks in the business—
and
the personal relationship between Gates & Paul Allen—are just starting to show. Gates was trying to get
rid
of Allen, even if he had to lie and cheat. And Allen has
cancer!
Bill Gates
is
Mark Zuckerberg.”

“Then who's Eduardo Saverin?”

“Paul Allen.”

“And who's the Winklevoss twins?”

“I don't know if we need
twins
,” said Bud. “But if what you're asking is did Gates fuck anyone else over there are
lots
of people out there. But we
could
have a pair of twins . . .” Bud didn't want to talk about actual story anymore; he wanted to get to the mechanics of a potential deal. “I don't think we need the rights to the Paul Allen book—it's all public record. We
would
need to get permission from De Luca and Scott Rudin. I know them both, for years,” Bud lied, knowing such a detail was irrelevant. “We should obviously pitch Columbia, cause they already own it
.
”

Brando thought a moment, then said, “You think that's something
Sorkin
would want to write?”

“Uhm, maybe.” Even though it seemed obvious to Bud that he was pitching
himself
to script it, he thought he should have been clearer. “This whole area's actually
totally
in my
wheelhouse
. [A word the agents used 30 years ago, though Bud wasn't sure if it was still
en vogue
] “I really think I could ace this. And I've got a great title:
Hotmail
. I don't think we'd even need to get permission from Microsoft, because it's ‘fair use.' Isn't that a cool title?
Hotmail?
”

. . .

Telma finally finds Michael and Catherine.

Big hugs.

Michael turns to Rita Wilson and says: “That's my tea partner. My tea partner in crime.”

He formally introduced Telma to Tom and Rita. “Aha!” said Tom, waving the program. “So
you're
the one who's closing the show! I gotta warn you, though, Telma, Beyoncé can be a tough act to follow.”