Dead to Me (40 page)

‘Do you think he was scared at the end?’ she asked.

‘I hope he was scared witless,’ Ruby said. ‘I think a priest sits with them till the end. I’d love to know if he said he was sorry.’

‘I expect he did, in the hopes of getting the priest on his side. But really I don’t think he had any kind of conscience. He just did what he wanted to do and didn’t care who it hurt.’

‘How old were you when he first hurt you in any way?’ Ruby asked.

‘About five, I think. He pulled down my pants and smacked me hard on my bottom for taking his pipe and using it to blow soapy bubbles. Mum heard me scream and she came and pulled me off his lap. She said he hit far too hard.’

‘It’s true, men do hit far harder than women,’ Ruby said. ‘I used to laugh at Ma when she hit me, it never hurt, not even when she was really mad with me. But I was hit a few times by her men and, my God, that hurt – and they always left a big bruise too.’

‘Did any of her men ever try to do anything else to you?’

‘You mean interfering, touching me in private places?’

‘Yes. Did they?’

‘Sometimes they tried, but I would get out of the way. As I got bigger I made sure I was never in when she was doing it.’

Ruby suddenly realized that Verity was trying to tell her about something. Being a bit drunk was loosening her up, and that could only be a good thing.

‘Did Archie do something?’ she asked gently, almost holding her breath in the darkness for fear Verity would clam up.

‘Yes, it was so disgusting –’ Verity stopped abruptly. ‘I can’t tell you.’

‘You can,’ Ruby whispered. ‘Remember, I grew up with a mum who brought men home to our room for sex. I used to pull a blanket over my head so I didn’t see, but I knew what was going on by the noises.’

Ruby heard what she thought was a sob, and her instinct was to get out of her bed and climb in with Verity to comfort her, but she was afraid that would stop her friend from continuing. ‘Did he rape you?’ she whispered.

Verity didn’t answer for a moment but she was breathing very heavily. ‘No, not that,’ she said eventually.

‘Did he make you take his thing in your mouth?’

She knew immediately that was exactly what had happened by the muffled sob.

‘Oh, Verity, what a terrible thing to happen to you! Can I come over there and give you a hug?’

Again just a sob. But Ruby got out of her bed and got into Verity’s and held her tight. ‘That is a horrible picture to keep in your head,’ she said gently. ‘But now you’ve told me, it will fade.’

‘It made me gag, I thought it would choke me. And the
smell of him, it was vile.’ She was crying now, her whole body shaking.

‘He
was
vile. But you mustn’t let the thought of what he did put you off other men,’ Ruby said. ‘No decent man would force a woman to do that against her will.’

‘I’ll always be scared it will happen again. I was twelve when he did it first, and then again before he put me in that cage.’

Ruby closed her eyes, hoping for some divine enlightenment as to what to say about this.

‘So all this time, this is what has stopped you having a boyfriend?’ she asked. ‘And it put you off Miller too?’

‘I didn’t consciously let it stop me, but I guess I put up some kind of shield which stopped men getting close to me,’ she admitted. ‘I did feel something for Miller, but then kissing someone goodbye on a station isn’t a real test. The one time he came back after leaving for Scotland, Amy was there and so there was no chance of anything happening.’

‘You’ve kissed Bevan, and he didn’t make you want to run away, did he?’

‘No, but I didn’t feel anything else, either. If he’d so much as touched me anywhere private, I would probably have screamed and run away.’

‘He’s a true gentleman,’ Ruby said. ‘He knew Archie had hurt you – although not that, of course. Men can be very sensitive to women’s needs. They aren’t all brutes.’

‘But imagine if I got to like a man, and even married him, and then he did that to me? I’d be a basket case.’

All at once Ruby realized that, although her friend knew what made a baby, her knowledge of what happened
during love-making, and how women could feel, was non-existent. Frightened badly as a young girl, she had just shut down her natural curiosity, and had probably never even explored her own body.

‘Love-making is beautiful, special and very tender when you love the man,’ Ruby explained, holding her friend tight and hoping she wouldn’t get upset by what she was going to say. ‘Sometimes people do things to each other to give extra pleasure that some would think was nasty or even perverted. But it isn’t, if you both want to do it. Men kiss and fondle our breasts, and that makes us feel wonderful, they fondle us and put their fingers in down there too, and often kiss and lick us there.’

Verity stiffened.

‘Stop doing that “plank” thing, you need to know this,’ Ruby said sharply. ‘I told you that first day we met what “up the spout” meant, same as I told you about pawnbrokers and Ma selling herself. So you can stand me telling you something you really need to know now.

‘So what I was going on to say is that when a man makes us feel wonderful, we want to do stuff to him like that too. And taking his penis in our mouth comes into that.’

‘No!’ Verity said forcefully, remembering how Angie had said if Ruby had done that, she wouldn’t have got pregnant.

‘Yes,’ Ruby said firmly. ‘There’s no law that says you must, and some women wouldn’t dream of it. But I promise you that a man who loves you would never be a brute about it.’

‘Have you done it?’

‘Yes, I have, and I promise it isn’t disgusting when you
love a man. There’s lots of wonderful experiences lying in wait for us, Verity – getting married and having babies, to name just two! But for that to work and make you happy and content, you need to embrace sex. You must let yourself feel desire, and explore the wonderful feelings it gives you. God could have made us like animals, so we just mated to procreate, but he gave us love, and all this amazing sensuality in love-making to bond us tightly together in couples. He knew what he was doing! It is designed to hold us together so we bring up our children together and keep them safe.’

‘I don’t think my mother ever saw it like that,’ Verity said doubtfully.

‘I don’t suppose mine did, either; to her it was just a service for which she got money. No wonder we’ve fallen off the rails sometimes! But let’s look to Wilby, shall we? She’s the way a real woman should be. Loving, devoted, and I bet she and her husband were at it like rabbits.’

‘I’m not sure I like the idea of that,’ Verity said. ‘I won’t be able to look at her tomorrow.’

‘You will, and you’ll see what I see. She’s been the best role model either of us could ever have.’

‘Yes, you are right about that. But let’s go to sleep now, or we won’t be able to get up in the morning,’ Verity said and kissed Ruby’s cheek. ‘Thank you for telling me a few home truths.’

Ruby disengaged herself from her friend. ‘Sleep tight in that bed I’ve warmed for you. Only a real pal would do that!’

‘Hey!
You girls look gorgeous,’ Luke exclaimed as he came out into the garden to see the girls and Wilby enjoying a gin and tonic.

Brian had opened the front door to Luke and Bevan, and in a few seconds had managed to tell them it was roast lamb for dinner tomorrow and that he could jitterbug now. Only then did he lead them to the garden.

Ruby was wearing a green and white striped dress made by Verity from some material Wilby had stashed away. With a green ribbon in her hair she really did look gorgeous.

Verity was wearing a pink dress she’d had for years, but she’d revamped it with a white lace ruffle around the neckline.

Ruby leapt to her feet to greet Luke with a kiss, and Verity smiled shyly at Bevan.

‘How are things with you?’ Bevan said, coming right over to her chair and crouching down in front of her. ‘I’ve missed you.’

Verity really liked the way he had of making the person he was speaking to feel they were the most important person in the world. He looked leaner, and his face was no longer very red and shiny the way it had been when they first met.

‘Very good now,’ she said. ‘It was all a bit nightmarish,
but that’s all over now. I’m back up telegraph poles, and trying to learn to jitterbug. Ruby is brilliant at it, as are Colin and Brian, I’m sure Brian told you that! I’m lagging well behind.’

‘Brian did tell me, along with the menu for tomorrow. But I’m a disaster at the jitterbug too,’ he laughed. ‘Give me a waltz any day.’

Wilby asked if the boys would like a gin and tonic or a beer. They plumped for beer.

‘What a lovely evening it is,’ Wilby said as she brought the beers out from the kitchen. ‘Usually in late May it tends to be very chilly. Certainly not sitting in the garden after seven o’clock weather. Now where are you young people off to tonight?’

‘We thought we’d take the girls to the town hall dance. The Star Lights are playing, a really good swing band,’ Luke said.

Verity nudged Bevan. ‘Look at Ruby’s face. If he’d said we were going to sit on rusty barbed wire all evening, she’d be just as happy.’

Bevan smiled. ‘Those two have got it bad. He talks about her all the time back at the base.’

‘Ruby’s the same,’ Verity said. ‘Anyway, to change the subject, how is Bristol?’

‘We like being stationed there more than East Anglia. As far as Luke’s concerned that’s because it’s closer to here. But it’s near home too, so I get to see my folks every couple of weeks. I really hope we get to stay there.’

Half an hour later they left the house to catch the bus into Torquay. Almost every man on the bus was in uniform, and there was a lot of friendly rivalry between the
different forces, which resulted in them taking the rise out of one another.

Ruby and Verity were content to be entertained by it, and it suddenly occurred to Verity that she felt really happy and glad to be out for the evening.

She had tended to blush every time she thought back to the conversation with Ruby that night after they’d got a bit drunk. She still found it hard to believe she’d actually spoken of what Archie had done to her. But she was glad she had, for it had laid a ghost, and she’d felt much easier in her mind since.

What amazed her most, though, was how much she had been looking forward to seeing Bevan again. He had taken her hand as they walked to the bus stop, and it felt good. He’d always been easy to be with, quick, funny and never intense about things. It was so good not to feel she needed to run away and hide.

As the band broke into the last number of the evening, Glenn Miller’s ‘That Old Black Magic’, and the lights were lowered, everyone in the town hall got on to the dance floor. It had been perhaps the best night Verity ever remembered, with great music, a wonderful atmosphere and a fun partner who had made her laugh more than was good for her. When she looked over Bevan’s shoulder, she saw Luke and Ruby wrapped in each other’s arms, looking so sublimely happy it made her feel quite emotional.

But Bevan was holding her tightly too, his cheek against hers, and it felt right.

‘Happy?’ he murmured. ‘It’s been such a lovely evening. I don’t want it to end.’

‘Nor me,’ Verity sighed. ‘But it’s a long walk home, uphill all the way. So I might be glad when that’s over.’

‘You seem different tonight,’ he said. ‘I can’t quite put my finger on what the difference is, but there’s something.’

She put her hand gently on his cheek. ‘Things becoming resolved perhaps? Feeling I’ve shrugged off a burden. I don’t know what’s different either, but I like how I feel.’

‘One day we’ll sit down and talk about what you went through, because I’d like to understand fully,’ he said. ‘But it’s not a subject for a night like this, not when I’m burning to kiss you.’

His lips touched hers as lightly as a butterfly’s wing and the delicacy of it sparked something inside her. His lips were so soft and warm, playing with hers, the tip of his tongue darting into her mouth and sending little tremors down her spine.

Kissing him had never been like this before, she’d always wanted to break away, and she’d never felt that strange and wonderful tugging sensation in her belly before.

‘Hmmm,’ Bevan said as the big lights came on and the MC was reminding them to take care going home. ‘So much for the old black magic, it kind of disappears when the lights come on.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ she said, nuzzling her lips against his cheek. ‘It still feels pretty magical to me.’

Verity woke early on Saturday morning, stretched and smiled to herself as she remembered the events of the night before. Her lips felt a little tender from all the kissing on the way home, and she was excited about Luke and Bevan coming to lunch today.

The last thing Ruby had said before they both fell asleep was that Luke had asked her to marry him, so if they were intending to tell Wilby today, it would turn into a celebration.

‘This looks scrumptious,’ Bevan said as Verity and Ruby carried the vegetable dishes into the dining room.

‘The new potatoes and carrots are straight from the garden,’ Verity said. ‘But we thought you’d like some roast potatoes too, Wilby’s are just the best.’

The table looked very pretty with Wilby’s best glasses and the silver cutlery, two small flower arrangements with white daisies and pink rosebuds, and pale pink and white napkins.

Wilby blushed a little at the praise for her roast potatoes, although she would probably have claimed her flushed face was just the heat from the oven, and she proceeded to carve the lamb.

‘I can’t believe you actually got a whole leg of lamb,’ Ruby said in wonder. ‘How?’

‘Friends in high places,’ Wilby said, tapping her nose and laughing. ‘Actually, he’s a friend in a low place, this lamb got injured and so it had to be put down.’

‘Sounds like a tall story!’ Luke said. ‘But even if you claimed it had flown into your garden asking to be cooked, I’d believe it, because I haven’t seen that much meat since before the war.’

Wilby started to carve the meat, and Luke stood up. ‘I’ve got an announcement to make,’ he said. ‘Last night I asked Ruby to marry me and she accepted. I hope that meets with your approval, Wilby?’

‘Oh, Luke, how wonderful!’ Wilby said, clapping her hands and pretending total surprise. ‘It certainly does meet with my approval.’ She beamed at him and Ruby, who was sitting next to him. ‘I suggest we all raise our glasses to toast the happy couple.’

The wine was Wilby’s home-made raspberry wine, which had a kick like a mule, and needed to be diluted a little. But for once even Brian and Colin were allowed a tiny amount, topped up with lemonade.

‘Will the wedding be this summer?’ Brian asked. ‘You get extra rations to make a wedding cake, I think.’

Everyone laughed. Brian’s love of cake was legendary.

‘I hope it will be soon,’ Wilby said. ‘A summer wedding with the reception in the garden would be lovely. You could wear my wedding dress, I’m sure Verity could alter it to fit you properly.’

Ruby looked as if she could burst with happiness. ‘We aren’t sure when it can be. It depends on when, and if, Luke can arrange leave.’

‘I’m going to speak to the CO when we get back to base tonight,’ Luke said. ‘And Bevan, will you be my best man?’

‘I thought you’d never ask,’ Bevan said.

As they ate the meal the conversation was all about the wedding: who would be invited; where Luke’s parents and siblings would stay. Ruby said she wanted only one bridesmaid and that, of course, would be Verity.

Weddings in wartime meant there could be no extravagance, with so many foodstuffs unavailable or rationed. Most brides settled for a tiny cake, perched on a false one made of cardboard. But Wilby assured them she had a few items tucked away to make sure they had a good spread.

After the wonderful lunch they went for a walk along the Downs before the men had to return to Bristol.

‘I wish we hadn’t got to go back to base,’ Bevan said to Verity.

‘We can do it all again next time,’ she said. ‘It was the very best fun.’

‘You know what was best for me?’ Bevan said, taking hold of her forearms and turning her to face him.

‘What?’

‘Seeing you really laugh, happiness coming from inside you. It would be great if it was me that caused it. But I’m not kidding myself with that one. You’ve been through hell and come out the other side, that’s what’s done it. You’ll be fine now.’

‘You are a lovely man, Bevan,’ she said, kissing him on the cheek.

‘And you, Verity, are a delight,’ he said with a wide grin. ‘We’ve got to go now. But till the next time, keep smiling.’

Verity was indeed smiling as she waved goodbye to the men. She really did feel she might never stop.

Shortly after Wilby and Ruby had come back from morning service at church the next morning, the doorbell rang.

Wilby was just taking her coat and hat off upstairs. ‘Who on earth can that be?’ she called out.

Verity had stayed behind to get the lunch on, and to look after Brian and Colin. ‘Can you get it, Ruby?’ she shouted out. ‘I’m making the gravy.’

Verity heard Ruby say she would, and then the sound of the door opening, but she took no interest, assuming it was just a neighbour.

Suddenly aware someone had come into the kitchen, Verity turned from the kitchen sink, to see Miller.

‘Good God!’ she exclaimed.

‘No, it’s only me,’ he said. ‘God tends to be busy on Sundays.’

Verity was astounded. She had thought she’d never see him again, and she had felt very bad about the way things had ended between them.

Ruby was standing just behind Miller, making silly faces.

‘What brings you here?’ Verity asked. ‘Ruby, please go away.’

‘Going, going,’ Ruby said, walking backwards into the hall.

‘Sorry about that,’ Verity said. ‘She can be a bit of a clown. But what does bring you here?’

‘I decided I had to fight for you,’ he said. ‘Well, perhaps “fight” is the wrong word. Perhaps “woo” you?’

‘But you said you’d given up on me,’ she said, feeling a little tremor of excitement in her belly. He was wearing a very smart grey suit. She’d never seen him in anything but old tweed or corduroy jackets before. He looked very handsome.

‘We all say things sometimes that we don’t actually mean. I did mean it at the time of writing, but then I thought about what you’d been through with Archie, and I decided I’d come down again and see how you are now. You can tell me to go, if nothing’s changed for you.’

Wilby came downstairs then and greeted Miller warmly, saying he must stay for lunch and asking him where he was
staying. Ruby joined in then, as did Colin and Brian who wanted to show him a Hurricane model aeroplane they were making.

‘The consensus of opinion seems to be that you are staying for lunch,’ Verity said.

Miller looked at her and smiled, and she remembered how taken she had been by his lovely duck-egg-blue eyes when they first met.

Verity was quite glad that they weren’t left alone together, not because she wasn’t pleased to see him – she was – but just because she didn’t know what she should talk to him about. Ruby was talking about Luke and how they were going to get married, Colin and Brian were pestering Miller about the model plane, and Wilby was flitting in and out of the kitchen, busy with laying the dining-room table and checking Verity had the lunch of shepherd’s pie in hand.

‘No roast Sunday dinner, I’m afraid,’ Verity told Miller. ‘We had that yesterday while Luke was here.’

‘I love shepherd’s pie,’ he shot back, and even though they had spoken over everyone else in the room, it had the oddest feeling of intimacy.

That feeling continued throughout the final preparations for the lunch, in between Wilby passing on bits of gossip she’d heard after church, the boys telling Miller some convoluted tale about swopping cigarette cards, and Ruby asking him about a place she fancied going in Scotland for her honeymoon.

‘This is looking good between you two,’ Ruby whispered to Verity as Wilby asked Miller to open the dining-room window, which was sticking.

‘Don’t be silly, nothing’s been said or done,’ Verity shot back.

Lunch was a very jolly affair, as everyone seemed in the best of spirits, and Verity couldn’t help but remember how much she and Miller used to laugh over meals in the old days.

Brian and Colin had to leave the table a bit early to go to Sunday School in St Mary’s, in nearby St Marychurch.

‘You won’t be gone before we get back, will you?’ Brian asked Miller. ‘Cos I really do need help with the model. Verity and Ruby are useless, they put the bits anywhere.’

Everyone laughed at that, and Miller assured them he’d still be around.

Ruby and Verity had just finished the washing-up, and Wilby had taken Miller out into the garden to get his advice on the apple tree, which she felt might have some kind of blight. The plan was to have tea in the garden.

Suddenly the sky seemed full of aeroplanes. In the same instant the air-raid siren went off and they heard ack-ack guns from both Babbacombe Downs and Walls Hill, followed by machine-gun fire and the crump of bombs dropping somewhere close by.