Dear Darling (8 page)

“I’m going to the bar,” I nudged Eli, but he was too engrossed in his conversation to notice me. Rolling my eyes, I headed to grab a drink.

“Can I have a large vodka, please?” I asked the bartender, desperately needing a drink.

“You sound like I feel,” Elaine said, rolling her eyes at me.

“Yeah, it’s not my scene.” She tossed back her glass of wine, motioning the bartender for another as he placed my glass in front of me.

“Have a seat, at least we can drink together, right?”

“Right.” I smiled and turned to pull the stool closer, pausing when I saw the man from earlier. His blue eyes pierced me, capturing my attention. My eyes darted to Eli, but he was still chatting with two large older men, his hands waving in the air manically. Looking back at the man, he leaned against a wall, a large plant covering his view of Elias.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Elaine, walking away from the bar and towards the bathroom. My eyes stayed trained on him, only leaving when I’d made my way past him and through the large double doors leading into the bathroom. As I looked at my pale complexion in the mirror, I tried to wrack my brain to remember where I’d seen him before. My mind was telling me I knew him, but I couldn’t place him.

A sharp pain shot through my stomach, and I steadied myself against the sink, clutching my midriff. Taking steady breaths, I waited for the pain to subside, thinking it must have been something dodgy I’d eaten. I closed my eyes, as I dried my palms under the hand drier and took longer than usual to steady myself before opening the door. Two steps later, I walked face first into a rock solid chest.

“Um, I’m sorry,” I said, looking up. “Can I help you?” I had walked into the man who had been staring at me.

“Yer don’t recognise me, do yer?” his deep Scottish accent sent tingles through my body, throwing me off guard. My brows creased as I tried to think back.

“Sorry, I don’t think I do.”

“Yer, we met at Whispers nightclub a few years back. I can’t believe you don’t remember, Saffron. We chatted for a while.” I flinched as he said my name, but then something in my brain clicked as I remembered that hideous nightclub that Mel had dragged me to during university.

“Ah, yeah. How are you . . .”

“Greg.” The tone in his voice didn’t sound pleased that I hadn’t remembered his name.

“Yes, Greg. How are you? It’s been a while.” I tried to be polite, but the fact that, after all this time, he had remembered my name, freaked me out. I’d met the guy once in a bar where we barely spoke two words to each other, yet he was acting like we were old friends. It was strange.

“I’m great, ta. Is that yer hubby out there?” He motioned his head towards the bar area with a scowl on his face.

“Yes, it is. Sorry, I must get back; he’ll wonder where I am. It was nice seeing you again.” I smiled politely, turning left to head towards the door. He grabbed me by my arm, swinging me around to face him. His features, once slightly attractive, contorted into an ugly guise.

“I’ve been watching him all night, he probably won’t even notice yer’ve gone, lass. Stay and chat.” I tried to yank my arm free, but his grip was too tight.

“I have to get back,” I squeaked, the fear bubbling inside me lacing every word. My eyes darted to the doorway that led to the bathroom, searching for someone, anyone, to help me. He didn’t care, though. Instead of letting me go, he stepped closer and leaned into me, pressing me between the wall and his body.

“Did you like the flowers I sent you?” he whispered into my neck. Panic rose inside, burning its way upwards into my lungs, closing them.

“You sent the flowers?” Realisation hit me like a brick. Jodie hadn’t bought them after all.

“Yes, did you like them.” His tone changed again, demanding an answer.

“Yes, they were beautiful. Thank you.” I didn’t know what was happening. Why was he behaving like he knew me?

“Listen, lass, I liked yer from the first moment I saw yer. Give me a chance to chat to yer.” His voice sent shivers down my spine as he whispered into my ear. My body tingled and my legs gave way from under me. He gripped me round the waist and turned me, pushing me towards the emergency exit, which was conveniently—for him—situated next to the bathroom. Nothing came out as I tried to scream, my voice was lost inside of my chest. Fear paralysed me. I was petrified that I’d never see my son or husband again. I dug my heels in, but he grabbed my wrist and started pulling me.

Where is he taking me?

What is he going to do to me?

The acidic taste of bile rose inside my mouth, burning my throat.

He moved swiftly, and his grip on my wrist was punishing. My feet couldn’t keep up with him as he ran down the stairs. Halfway down, I lost my shoe and twisted my ankle in the process.

“Greg, you’re hurting me.” I tried to beg, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He muttered something to himself, but I couldn’t hear the words. A bright light illuminated a doorway, and he opened it, dragging me through to the cold empty car park. Only a few cars parked there since most opted for taxis so they didn’t have to drive later. He pulled me towards a secluded area where no lights shone, pushing me up against a maroon coloured car. All I could think about was Eli. It was almost midnight, surely he would be trying to find me. Silence filled the large concrete enclosure, not a single person around to hear me scream. The sound of the fob opening the door panicked me, alerting my brain to the danger I was truly in. A whirlwind of thoughts flooded through my mind as I tried to remember what I should do in this situation.

“Please don’t hurt me, Greg. Why are you doing this?” I tried to reason with him. I would do anything to avoid getting in that car.

“Why would I hurt yer, Saffron? I love yer. You know that right?” He wasn’t mentally stable; I could tell from the way he was reacting. I didn’t know what he would do.

“Um, yeah. Of course.” Closing my eyes, I prayed that he would let me go.

“I came to see you in the dorms. Your roommate said you were in Kent, why were you in Kent?” he spoke fast, trailing off inside his own mind. Looking around, I tried to plan an escape. I could run to the stairs, but would I make it up them before he caught me again?

“I . . . I was visiting family.” I could hear Mr Wiseman, my old Psych teacher telling me not to antagonise someone with issues. “Listen, if you love me, then talk to me. You don’t need to take me away from here. We can chat here.” I touched his arm gently, and he flinched, moving away slightly. His reaction shocked me. Lifting the boot lid, he moved to the side of me, pulling my arm forcefully.

“I need you to get inside.” His ice cold voice danced off the walls.

“No, Greg. You’re not putting me in there. You don’t do that to people you love.” He looked confused, raking his hands through his blonde hair as his eyes moved from me to the car.

“Get inside the car, NOW!” he demanded. Waves of nausea washed over me as my shaky legs gave way. Pain, once again shot through my stomach, knocking me off balance and into Greg’s solid body. His hands gripped hold of my hips, his left hand moving lower. His head moved towards mine, his repugnant breath causing me to heave.

“Please don’t,” I begged again. He turned me around, pushing me towards the open boot of the car until my face was pressed against the rough carpet covering the inside of the boot I could feel the cold breeze against my legs as he lifted the hem of my dress. My body felt woozy, finally succumbing to the stress of the situation. Climbing inside of my mind, I pushed everything away. I could feel his hand, but I pretended it was Eli, anything to cope with what was happening to me.

“W-why? What? Why are yer bleeding?” His high-pitched voice startled me, but I didn’t know what was happening. I opened my mouth to say . . . what, I didn’t know. Black dots danced across my vision and the next thing that registered was a freezing cold breeze hitting my sensitive skin and the bite of cold concrete against my bloody flesh. The sound of blood pounded fiercely in my ears.

Eli.

Samuel.

Would I ever see my beautiful boys ever again?

It was my last thought before my vision faded to black.

I can’t write this letter without mentioning some of the bad times we’ve had. It hasn’t always been a bed of roses and I want you to remember everything about our life, even if it hurts. Those things have shaped us, they moulded us into who we are today, so they should never be forgotten. It’s been a rocky road; one I didn’t think we would ever get through at one point.

I guess as I’m writing this letter we didn’t get through them all.

We had our happy for now, but we won’t get our happy ever after. Does anyone truly ever get their happily ever after?

I don’t know.

Opening my eyes, I found myself in a sterile, pale green room. The short, clipped blip of a heart monitor and muffled chattering filled the air around me. The feel of his warm hand gripping mine tightly made me feel secure. I willed my head to turn and saw him sleeping soundly next to me. His beautiful face, marred with worry lines, his eyes puffy, and his skin blotched with chapped skin. The sensation turned to ice as panic washed over me.

Did he rape me?

Where did he go?

What happened to me?

Tears formed in the corner of my eyes, and as I felt them rolling down my soft cheek, a loud sob escaped my lips. Eli jumped up at the sound, startled and confused. His bloodshot eyes found mine, and what I witnessed in them could only be described as horror and sympathy. The acidic taste of bile rose up inside my throat and splattered the gown that I’d been dressed in.

“It’s okay, baby. Hush, please. It’s okay.” Tears coursed down his cheeks as he comforted me, stroking my hair with shaking hands. The nurse rushed over with a bowl, but was too late.

“I’ll get her a clean gown,” she said to Eli, walking out of the room and returning a few seconds later holding clean linen and a gown. Eli moved away as she changed the blanket and re-dressed me. She smiled carefully as I pulled the gown over my tender breasts. My stomach heaved at the thought of what had happened. She knew that I’d been raped, and she felt sorry for me.

Pulling my gown down further, I squeezed my thighs together as hard as I could. I could feel the sense of loss in between my legs, a soreness that wasn’t there before, and I knew . . . I knew then in that moment that he’d done it.

He had raped me.

“Get away from me!” I screamed at my husband as he tried to walk back towards me. His face contorted into confusion and rage. How could he love me after this?

“Saffy, why are you pushing me away?”

“I’m disgusting. Why would you ever want me now after what he did to me?”

“Who? Who did what to you, Saffy. What are you talking about?”

“He raped me and you still want to be with me?” The horror in his eyes as he looked between the nurse and me was unbearable. I could see the anguish and fear spreading throughout his entire body as he started to tremble, his body shaking uncontrollably, his head moving back and forth as if he didn’t want to hear it.

“You were raped?” His eyes found the nurse again, a look of confusion in her sapphire eyes.

“Did you know this?” he asked the shocked nurse.

“No, no, I didn’t know,” she said, shaking her head, as her blonde hair swished against her neck. “I’ll go get the doctor.” She ran out of the room quickly, the sound of the closing door pulsating around the silent room. I pulled the sheets up around me as high as I could and shivered, huddling inside them and trying to make myself as small as possible. I didn’t think I’d ever been so scared in my entire life.

The door finally opened, and a small man dressed in a neat black suit entered the room. “I’m Doctor Hammond,” he said, his tone gentle but firm.

“Mrs Vale, can you tell me what you remember?” he asked, sitting next to me on the bed. He had kind, genuine eyes. They weren’t sympathetic like the nurse’s, and they didn’t mock me with their false sympathy and compassion brought on from years of telling relatives their loved ones had died. I liked him and felt like I could talk to him. I looked between the doctor and Eli before speaking.

“The man you saw in the restaurant,” I looked back to my husband, his lips were pinched tight, “he was at the club, and when I went to the restroom he cornered me. I remembered him from university. His name was Greg. I was so scared.” I sniffed, and Eli grabbed the box of tissues on the tray table. “He dragged me out to the parking garage, I couldn’t walk, my legs were too shaky. He tried to get me to go into the boot of his car, but I didn’t get in. I tried to stay calm and not antagonise him, I agreed with everything he said. You know, like they tell you in psych class.” I looked to the doctor, silently seeking his approval of my actions. “But then he mentioned blood, and I don’t know what happened after that. Did he rape me? Please, someone tell me what happened,” I asked, the tone of my voice rising with every word.

“Mrs Vale,” he said, touching my arms lightly to pull it away from my face. He looked deep in my eyes, piercing me with his deep brown pools. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you suffered a miscarriage. We believe you must have only been a few weeks along.” A loud sound escaped my lips, something I’d never heard before and something I never wanted to hear again. The sound of the door closing broke me from my self-loathing and I noticed that Eli had left the room.

Left me.

He left me.

“That was the blood you said you saw. When we examined you, we saw no sign that you have been sexually assaulted. The police will come to speak to you soon.” Everything he said was like I wasn’t even there. It was as if I were looking down on my body from above. It wasn’t real. All I wanted was my husband, I wanted him to be here with me, holding my hand and telling me that it would be okay. But, he left me. I’d lost our baby, and he left me.

The police arrived and I had to go over everything that I could remember, including my first meeting with Greg at the bar. I couldn’t remember all the details, especially about the car. I could only remember the colour, nothing else. They treated me like I wasn’t a real person, as if I were evidence for them to catch their guy and nothing more.

“Would you be willing to undergo further examinations at our medical centre? It will help to prosecute him when we catch him if we have some further evidence, and it will also give us a definite conclusion to your rape allegations,” the male police officer said, his tone too casual for the situation.

“Yes, if it will help. Where’s my husband?” I asked, concerned for where Eli had gone. I needed him there with me.

“I don’t know, but I’m sure the hospital will let him know where you are.” The nurse put a paper dressing gown around me and a pair of flip-flops on my feet, as they took me out to their waiting car.

We arrived at St Mary’s Centre in Manchester where I was placed in a room, which the police had explained was for forensic purposes. They had made sure that I felt as comfortable as I could be under the circumstances, and I’d expected it to be cold and impersonal, but it wasn’t.

Eli still hadn’t come back, and I’d started to panic about where he was.

Would he come back?

Where had he gone?

I needed my husband, I wanted him with me.

“Hi, Saffron, I’m Sian. I’m going to be sitting with you during the exam,” a woman with short brown hair said as she entered the room. She smiled genuinely at me, her kind eyes glistened in the florescent lighting.

“Please call me Saffy,” I said as she took my hand. She made everything easier, reassuring me and comforting me during the uncomfortable experience. My hands shook the entire time, but everyone was so nice and gentle, and the exam was no worse than a pap smear. All I kept telling myself was, “I’d been through childbirth, I could do this.” I had to do this to stop him from doing it to anyone else. The police needed as much evidence against him as possible. It made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing, knowing that what I was doing would help them.

“Would you like a cup of tea, or coffee?” Sian asked when it was all over and I had showered and changed into some clothes they gave me.

“No, thank you.” My stomach still ached, and the sense of loss was overwhelming, but I couldn’t think about that right now. All I could think about was Eli, and where he had disappeared to. Greg was right, he didn’t care about me.

“Mrs Vale,” Rachel, the physician said as she poked her head around the door, her long blonde hair swishing against her neck. She walked over towards the sofa, her small frame making a dent on the seat as she sat on the edge. The sound of the creaking door filled the room once more and hope filled my heart as Eli walked in. He stopped right inside the doorway, his fists clenched tightly. He was a man on the verge of bolting again. I could feel the tension and fear radiating off him.

“Saffron, our tests show no sign of a sexual assault. We’ve found no sign of penetration, or any evidence of semen on your clothes.” It was as if I released all the air from my lungs at once, and I felt like I could finally breathe again. Hearing a loud roar, I turned to see my husband on the floor on his knees, his hands covering his face as he let out all the emotions that had been building inside him.

“We are assuming that your attacker saw the blood and panicked, not knowing what was happening. The police will be looking for evidence, but at the moment, I can’t tell you anything about their investigation.” She looked towards Eli, and back to me.

“We’ll let you two talk,” Rachel said as she stood. Sian squeezed my hand before standing and walking out of the room with her. The air was thick and tense, and I wanted everything to go back to how it was before.

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice quiet and quivering.

“What are you apologising for? I’m the one that should be saying sorry.” He turned to look at me, his eyes wide and puffy. As he got up and walked towards me, I could see how unsteady he was on his feet. His whole body trembled. “Saffy, I’m so, so sorry. I should never have left you. I shouldn’t have left you with Elaine. I should’ve kept you close. It was New Year’s, and I left you to talk to people who I see at work every day. I will never forgive myself.” The panic and remorse in his voice was unmistakeable.

“You weren’t to know.”

“I made that mistake, but then I left you again, here. I was so scared, Saffy. I thought he had raped you. I was angry, I was shocked, I was petrified. I didn’t want you to feel like I felt. I didn’t want you to experience that feeling. It made me sick to my stomach to think that you would ever have to go through that.” His hand found mine as he kneeled in front of me, kissing the back of it over and over again. Pulling his head up, I brought him towards me. We held each other tightly, not saying a word, just holding, loving, and grieving for our lost child.

* * *

“Thanks, officer,” I said, hanging up the phone.

“Who was that?” Eli sat on the sofa with his laptop and a stack of paperwork next to him. It had become a common position for him.

“It was the police giving me an update. He pleaded guilty, so I don’t have to testify.” I could feel all the tension from the past month wash away. My biggest fear had been standing up in court and facing that man again.

“That’s great news.” He smiled over the top of his laptop and then continued with what he was doing.

“I’m going to go and put the washing away,” I said deflated, wanting more of a conversation from my husband. It had been over a month since the assault but nothing was the same, everything had changed. My mood wasn’t great, I felt angry and sad all the time, and I couldn’t stop crying. I’d cry over the stupidest things, and Eli didn’t understand why.

“Yeah, okay.” He didn’t even acknowledge how I was feeling, dismissing me with a wave of the hand. I knew he was busy with work, but it didn’t stop me from feeling neglected. He didn’t want to touch me any more, and when he did it was like he wasn’t even there.

Folding the laundry into neat little piles, I placed them in their correct drawers, while wondering to myself how it could have all gone wrong. Mascara black tears fell onto the pile of clothes. Staining them. Marking them. I picked them up and threw them against the wall as hard as I could.

Why did I feel like this?

All of these emotions were foreign to me. I didn’t know how to react.

It was almost as if I were a fraud. There were people in the world that had suffered terribly through some horrendous assaults, and I felt as though I had no right to feel bad for myself when they didn’t get away so easily.