Dear George Clooney: Please Marry My Mom (12 page)

Sigh.

I shuffled into the kitchen behind her. Mom poured herself a cup of coffee. I leaned against the counter.

“I want to apologize again, Violet. I should have told you Dudley might stay over.”

“Yes. You should have.”

“The truth is, it took us by surprise, too.”

Ew.
“Yeah, well. Don’t let it happen again,” I said. There was a pause. “I can’t promise that –” Suddenly a sound reverberated through the house –a sound I hadn’t heard in over a year.

“The doorbell’s working,” I said.

My mom smiled. “Dudley fixed it this morning.”

From where I stood, I could see Dudley as he answered the door.
Our
door. It was some guy from Greenpeace, and Dudley started chatting to him about climate change. Rosie ran to join him. She leaned into him and wrapped her little arms around his leg, as if she was afraid that if she didn’t, he’d leave and never come back.

“He’s going to fix the washing machine next,” Mom continued. “Apparently it just needs a new thingamajig. We won’t have to do laundry at Phoebe’s anymore.”

“We?”

“You know what I meant –”

“Nobody asked him to fix our doorbell.”

Mom took a deep breath. “You’re right. He just went ahead and did it while I was making coffee.”

“He should have asked first.”

“Violet –”

“It’s not his doorbell! It’s our doorbell!” I felt tears pricking my eyes, and I hated myself for it. I jumped up and ran out of the kitchen, pushing past Dudley, Rosie, and the Greenpeace guy at the door.

“You’re not wearing shoes!” Rosie shouted after me.

I didn’t care. All I could see was black. I felt like I wanted to punch something or someone. I felt like I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.

At Phoebe’s house, Günter opened the front door. He took in my T-shirt and bare feet. “I’ll get you some slippers” was all he said as he pulled me into their house.

“You saw him
naked
?”

“Not totally, thank God. He was wearing underpants.”

We were sitting in Phoebe’s bedroom. Günter had brought me a bowl of porridge, which I was devouring.

“What kind?”

“Briefs. Old ones. They were all saggy in the bum.” I shuddered at the memory. “He probably gets his underwear at yard sales, too.”

“So, they must have, you know,
dot dot dot
…”

“Duh.”

I slurped up the last of the brown-sugar-flavored
milk from my porridge bowl. “You know the weird part?” I continued. “The
dot dot dot
doesn’t bug me as much as the doorbell. The doorbell makes me crazy.”

“That’s because it’s not about the doorbell,” Phoebe said. “It’s about what the doorbell represents. If your dad was still living with you,
he
would have fixed the doorbell, right? That sort of stuff was his territory, as man of the house.”

“I guess so, yeah.”

“So by fixing your doorbell, Dudley’s acting like
he’s
the man of the house. It’s like he’s auditioning to become your father’s replacement.”

I groaned; it was worse than I thought. “And Mom and Rosie are falling for it.”

“You really dislike him, huh?”

“There’s just something about him, Phoebe. He’s always this jokey kind of guy … but it’s like there’s something darker lurking underneath.”

Phoebe thought for a moment. “Okay, then. Here’s what we need to do. One, more detective work. And two,” she grabbed her laptop from under a pile of dirty socks on the floor, “you need to write another letter to George Clooney. And write one to his manager while you’re at it.”

This is what I wrote.

Phoebe and I printed the letters and put them into two separate envelopes. We walked to the corner and put them into the mailbox. Then we went back to her place to eat bagels and cream cheese from Solly’s and strategize about our next stakeout.

“Y
ou’re right. Detective work can be kind of boring,” Jean-Paul said to me on Saturday morning, as we crouched together behind the newspaper box at Main and Eleventh. Phoebe was in Skip to My Loo across the street.

That’s right. Jean-Paul was with us. I still couldn’t believe it.

What happened was this: He’d finally showed up at school on Tuesday morning. When Phoebe and I walked past his locker, I said, aiming for casual, “Oh, hey, Jean-Paul. Where have you been?”

“My dad flew me to Winnipeg for a long weekend.”

“How was it?”

“Great,” he said. “We played hockey on the outdoor rink every day. And he took me to Ray and Jerry’s. It’s
this awesome steak house. Mom hardly ever cooks red meat, so I stuffed myself.”

“Sounds fun,” I said. I was about to walk away, but Phoebe grabbed my arm, forcing me to stay.

“We’re going on another stakeout this Saturday,” she told him.

“Cool. Can I come?”

“Well, it won’t be very interesting,” I started.

“Of course you can come,” Phoebe said.

Jean-Paul smiled. “Great. You can give me the details later. See you in class.”

Then he walked away. Phoebe just looked at me and shook her head. “Honestly, Violet. What would you do without me?”

“I’ve often asked myself the same question.”

Phoebe, Jean-Paul, and I had met up at 9:00 a.m. sharp at the corner of Main and King Edward. First we’d headed to The Wiener’s apartment, which wasn’t far from his shop. I’d realized on Friday that I didn’t actually know where he lived, and I agonized over how to ask my mom for his address without raising suspicion. But, as usual, Phoebe saved the day: She just looked him up in the online white pages. He was, not surprisingly, the only “D. Wiener” listed.

The building Dudley lived in was a bit shabby. His apartment was on the second floor, and the windows were spotted with rain. Through our binoculars, we could make out only a few things: shelves overflowing with books; a floral-patterned couch that seemed an odd choice for a man; a fish tank; and a dying fern. At one point, I tried to sneak into the building behind a little old lady, but she gave me the hairy eyeball and closed the door in my face. Twenty minutes after that, Dudley stepped out, dressed for work. We’d followed him, staying about a block behind. Aside from buying a muffin and a coffee at Bean Around the World, he didn’t make any stops before reaching his shop. Phoebe waited for a good ten minutes after he’d turned the CLOSED sign to OPEN before she crossed the street.

“That’s a unique toque,” Jean-Paul said to me.

“I’ll pretend that was a compliment,” I replied. I was wearing the beagle toque Amanda had made me for Christmas.

“Anyway, look who’s talking,” I said, “you’re dressed for a stakeout in Siberia.”

He laughed. “You’re right! This is how we dress for winter in Winnipeg.” He was wearing a down-filled parka with a big fake-fur-lined hood. When he had it up, he had no peripheral vision. On his feet was a big pair of Sorel winter boots. “But at least I’m warm. How are you?”

“Fine.” That was a lie. It was a cold, damp, drizzly March day, and despite having two layers of fleece under my rain jacket and a pair of long johns under my jeans, I was shivering.

“Your nose is red,” Jean-Paul said. He pulled off a mitten and touched the tip of it with his finger. “And freezing.”

Body contact. I felt tingly all over. The monologue going on inside my head was deafening.

This is the moment. This is your chance to invite him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

(But I don’t want to go to the dance! I don’t believe in this sort of stuff!)

Liar! You’re totally in love with him!

(You’re the liar. I am not in love. Love is –)

Nothing but trouble, blah blah blah. Shut up and ask him!

Honestly, it was not pleasant. But I couldn’t shut it off.

I opened my mouth to respond – then I saw him wipe his hand on his jeans before he slid his mitten back on. The inner monologue started up again.

Oh, God. Is my nose running? Did his finger come away wet? Gross! I can’t ask him to the dance moments after he’s touched my snot!

As my inner voice continued to torment me, Phoebe bounced up beside us. “Nothing interesting, sorry,” she
said, grabbing my backpack and pulling out a sandwich. We’d told our parents we were going to the library to work on a school project, so the pack was filled with decoy books as well as food.

“I’ll go in for a while,” said Jean-Paul.

Then he did the most amazing thing. He took off his parka and wrapped it around my shoulders. “Here, wear it while I’m gone. It’ll warm you up in no time.”

I pulled the parka close as he headed across the street, breathing in his scent.

“Did you do it?” Phoebe demanded. “Did you invite him to the dance?”

I shook my head. Phoebe had invited Andrew at school the day before, and he’d said yes.

“But the dance is on Wednesday, Violet.”

“I know, I know. I tried. But I’m very conflicted –”

“Violet, seriously. This is getting tired. It’s obvious you like him. So take the plunge! Take a chance on romance. Be like the Nike ad: Just Do It!”

“Okay, okay, enough.”

Phoebe and I ate more sandwiches while we waited for Jean-Paul. His coat was luxuriously warm. Within ten minutes, I was completely toasty. After twenty minutes, I wanted to have a nap.

I was stifling a huge yawn when we saw Jean-Paul leave the store. He walked across the street, then he strolled right past us, motioning for us to follow him.
He ducked around a corner. We gathered up all of our gear, and, after making sure Dudley wasn’t looking out the window, we joined him.

“You won’t believe this,” he told us. “I went in and started to browse. He remembered me. He asked if my mom liked the soap. Then the phone rang. He went behind the counter to answer the call. It must have been a friend or someone he knew.”

“Male or female?”

“I don’t know. But I heard him say,
I can’t tonight. I already have plans.”

“That’s right,” I said. “He’s coming to our place for a dinner party. My mom thinks it’s time he met her friends.”

“Then the friend must have asked about Sunday because he said,
Sunday’s no good either, I’m afraid. I’m going to see my wife.”

“C
oing to see my wife
could mean a lot of things,” Phoebe reasoned, as the three of us trudged back up Main Street.

“It could mean she’s in the hospital,” said Jean-Paul. “Or a mental institution.”

“Or it could mean they’re separated and are still trying to work things out,” Phoebe said.

“Or it could mean they’re married, and he’s going to pick her up at the airport,” I said. “No matter how you slice it, it’s not good.”

“You’re right, Violet,” Phoebe said. “You thought he had a secret, and he does.”

I should have felt triumphant, but to tell the truth, I felt kind of glum.
What would it do to my mom to find out that Dudley was just one more jerk to add to the jerk pile?

We reached Jean-Paul’s street and stood for a moment on the sidewalk in the drizzle.

“What are you going to do?” asked Jean-Paul.

Phoebe and I looked at each other. “Well, he is coming for dinner tonight,” I said.

“Careful,” Phoebe cautioned. “Remember Jonathan.”

“Jonathan got what he deserved.”

“All I’m saying is, don’t make a scene,” Phoebe said. “Be a little more subtle.”

I nodded. “I can do subtle.”

Three hours later, our house started to fill up with guests. The first person to arrive was The Wiener. He was wearing his hideous mallard sweater again.

He handed my mom a bottle of wine. “Homemade,” he said, like this was a good thing. Then he handed Rosie and me small bottles of pink stuff. “It’s peppermint foot cream,” he told us. “You’d be a
heel
not to like it.”

Mom laughed. “Dudley, you’re such a goof.”