Dear John (19 page)
T
hat night, I slept in my dad’s bed, the only time I’d done that in my life. The storm had passed, and the temperature had risen to miserable levels. Even opening the windows wasn’t enough to keep me cool, and I tossed and turned for hours. When I crawled out of bed the next morning, I found my dad’s car keys on the peg-board in the kitchen. I threw my gear into the back of his car and picked out a few things from the house that I wanted to keep. Aside from the photograph, there wasn’t much. After that, I called the lawyer and took him up on his offer to find someone to haul away the rest and sell the house. I dropped the house key in the mail.
In the garage, it took a few seconds for the engine to catch. I backed the car out of the drive, closed the garage door, and locked up. From the yard, I stared at the house, thinking of my father and knowing that I’d never see this place again.
I drove to the extended care facility, picked up my dad’s things, then left Wilmington, heading west along the interstate, moving on autopilot. It had been years since I’d seen this stretch of road, and I was only dimly aware of the traffic, but the sense of familiarity came back in waves. I passed the towns of my youth and headed through Raleigh toward Chapel Hill, where memories flashed with painful intensity, and I found myself pushing the accelerator, trying to leave them behind.
I drove on through Burlington, Greensboro, and Winston-Salem. Aside from a single gas stop earlier in the day where I’d also picked up a bottle of water, I pressed forward, sipping water but unable to stomach the thought of eating. The photograph of my father and me lay on the seat beside me, and every now and then I would try to recall the boy in the picture. Eventually I turned north, following a small highway that wound its way through blue-tipped mountains spreading north and south, a gentle swell in the crust of the earth.
It was late afternoon by the time I pulled the car to a stop and checked into a shabby motel just off the highway. My body was stiff, and after taking a few minutes to stretch, I showered and shaved. I put on a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt and debated whether or not to get something to eat, but I still wasn’t hungry. With the sun hanging low, the air had none of the sultry humid heat of the coast, and I caught the scent of conifers drifting down from the mountains. This was the place of Savannah’s birth, and somehow I knew she was still here.
Though I could have gone to her parents’ house and asked, I discarded the idea, uncertain how they’d react to my presence. Instead I drove the streets of Lenoir, passing through the retail district, complete with the assorted collection of fast-food restaurants, and began to slow the car only when I reached the less generic part of town. Here was the part of Lenoir that hadn’t changed, where newcomers and tourists were welcome to visit but would never be considered locals. I pulled into a run-down pool hall, a place that reminded me of some of my own youthful haunts. Neon signs advertising beer hung in the windows, and the parking lot was full out front. It was in a place like this that I would find the answer I needed.
I went inside. Hank Williams blared from the jukebox, and ribbons of cigarette smoke drifted in the air. Four pool tables were clustered together; every player was wearing a baseball hat, and two had obvious wads of chewing tobacco parked in their cheeks. Trophy bass had been mounted on the walls, surrounded by NASCAR memorabilia. There were photos taken at Talladega and Martinsville, North Wilkesboro and Rockingham, and though my opinion of the sport hadn’t changed, the sight put me strangely at ease. At the corner of the bar, below the smiling face of the late Dale Earnhardt, was a jar filled with cash, asking for donations to help a local victim of cancer. Feeling an unexpected pull of sympathy, I threw in a couple of dollars.
I took a seat at the bar and struck up a conversation with the bartender. He was about my age, and his mountain accent reminded me of Savannah’s. After twenty minutes of easy conversation, I took Savannah’s picture from my wallet and explained that I was a friend of the family. I used her parents’ names and asked questions that implied I’d been there before.
He was wary, and rightfully so. Small towns protect their own, but it turned out that he’d spent a couple of years in the Marine Corps, which helped. In time, he nodded.
“Yeah, I know her,” he said. “She lives out on Old Mill Road, next to her parents’ place.”
It was just after eight in the evening, and the sky was graying as dusk began to settle in. Ten minutes later, I left a big tip on the bar and made my way out the door.
My mind was curiously blank as I headed into horse country. At least, that’s how I remembered thinking of it the last time I was here. The road I drove slanted ever upward, and I began to recognize the landmarks of the area; I knew that in a few minutes I’d pass Savannah’s parents’ house. When I did, I leaned over the steering wheel, watching for the next break in the fence before turning onto a long gravel road. As I made the turn, I saw a hand-painted sign for something called “Hope and Horses.”
The crackle of my tires as they rolled over gravel was oddly comforting, and I pulled to a stop beneath a willow tree, next to a small battered pickup truck. I looked toward the house. Steep roofed and square, with flaking white paint and a chimney pointing toward the sky, it seemed to rise from the earth like a ghostly image a hundred years in the making. A single bulb glowed above the battered front door, and a small potted plant hung near an American flag, both moving gently in the breeze. Off to the side of the house was a weathered barn and a small corral; beyond that, an emerald-covered pasture enclosed by a tidy white fence stretched toward a line of massive oak trees. Another shedlike structure stood near the barn, and in the shadows I could see the outlines of aging field equipment. I found myself wondering again what I was doing here.
It wasn’t too late to leave, but I couldn’t force myself to turn the car around. The sky flared red and yellow before the sun dipped below the horizon, casting the mountains in moody darkness. I emerged from the car and began to approach the house. The dew on the grass moistened the tips of my shoes, and I caught the scent of conifers once more. I could hear the sounds of crickets chirping and the steady call of a nightingale. The sounds seemed to give me strength as I stepped onto the porch. I tried to figure out what I would say to her if she answered the door. Or what I would say to him. While I was trying to decide what to do, a tail-wagging retriever approached me.
I held out my hand, and his friendly tongue lapped against it before he turned and trotted down the steps again. His tail continued to swish back and forth as he headed around the house, and hearing the same call that had brought me to Lenoir, I left the porch and followed him. He dipped low, skimming his belly as he crawled beneath the lowest rung of the fence, and trotted into the barn.
As soon as the dog had disappeared, I saw Savannah emerge from the barn with rectangles of hay clamped beneath her arms. Horses from the pasture began to canter toward her as she tossed the hay into various troughs. I continued moving forward. She was brushing herself off and getting ready to head back into the barn when she inadvertently glanced my way. She took a step, looked again, and then froze in place.
For a long moment, neither of us moved. With her gaze locked on mine, I realized that it was wrong to have come, to have shown up without warning like this. I knew I should say something, anything, but nothing came to mind. All I could do was stare at her.
The memories came rushing back then, all of them, and I noticed how little she’d changed since I’d last seen her. Like me, she was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, smudged with dirt, and her cowboy boots were scuffed and worn. Somehow the hardscrabble look gave her an earthy appeal. Her hair was longer than I remembered, but she still had the slight gap between her front teeth that I had always loved.
“Savannah,” I finally said.
It wasn’t until I spoke that I realized she’d been as spellbound as I. All at once, she broke into a wide smile of innocent pleasure.
“John?” she cried.
“It’s good to see you again.”
She shook her head, as if trying to clear her mind, then squinted at me again. When at last she was convinced I wasn’t a mirage, she jogged to the gate and bounded through it. A moment later I could feel her arms around me, her body warm and welcoming. For a second it was as if nothing between us had changed at all. I wanted to hold her forever, but when she pulled back, the illusion was shattered, and we were strangers once more. Her expression held the question I’d been unable to answer on the long trip here.
“What are you doing here?”
I looked away. “I don’t know,” I said. “I just needed to come.”
Though she asked nothing, there was a mixture of curiosity and hesitation in her expression, as if she weren’t sure she wanted a further explanation. I took a small step backward, giving her space. I could see the shadowy outlines of the horses in the darkness and felt the events of the last few days coming back to me.
“My dad died,” I whispered, the words seeming to come from nowhere. “I just came from his funeral.”
She was quiet, her expression softening into the spontaneous compassion I’d once been so drawn to.
“Oh, John . . . I’m so sorry,” she murmured.
She drew near again, and there was an urgency to her embrace this time. When she pulled back, her face was half in shadow.
“How did it happen?” she asked, her hand lingering on mine.
I could hear the authentic sorrow in her voice, and I paused, unable to sum up the last couple of years into a single statement. “It’s a long story,” I said. In the glare of the barn lights, I thought I could see in her gaze traces of memories that she wanted to keep buried, a life from long ago. When she released my hand, I saw her wedding band glinting on her left finger. The sight of it doused me with a cold splash of reality.
She recognized my expression. “Yes,” she said, “I’m married.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t have come.”
Surprising me, she gave a small wave of her hand. “It’s okay,” she said, tilting her head. “How’d you find me?”
“It’s a small town.” I shrugged. “I asked someone.”
“And they just . . . told you?”
“I was persuasive.”
It was awkward, and neither of us seemed to know what to say. Part of me fully expected to continue standing there while we caught up like old friends on everything that had happened in our lives since we’d last seen each other. Another part of me expected her husband to pop out of the house any minute and either shake my hand or challenge me to fight. In the silence a horse neighed, and over her shoulder I could see four horses with their heads lowered into the trough, half in shadow, half in the circle of the barn’s light. Three other horses, including Midas, were staring at Savannah, as if wondering whether she’d forgotten them. Savannah finally motioned over her shoulder.
“I should get them going, too,” she said. “It’s their feeding time, and they’re getting antsy.”
When I nodded, Savannah took a step backward, then turned. Just as she reached the gate, she beckoned. “Do you want to give me a hand?”
I hesitated, glancing toward the house. She followed my gaze.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “He’s not here, and I could really use the help.” Her voice was surprisingly steady.
Though I wasn’t sure what to make of her response, I nodded. “I’d be glad to.”
She waited for me and shut the gate behind us. She pointed to a pile of manure. “Watch out for their droppings. They’ll stain your shoes.”
I groaned. “I’ll try.”
In the barn, she separated a chunk of hay and then two more and handed them both to me.
“Just toss those in the troughs next to the others. I’m going to get the oats.”
I did as she directed, and the horses closed in. Savannah came out holding a couple of pails.
“You might want to give them a little room. They might accidentally knock you over.”
I stepped away, and Savannah hung a couple of pails on the fence. The first group of horses trotted toward them. Savannah watched them, her pride evident.
“How many times do you have to feed them?”
“Twice a day, every day. But there’s more than just feeding. You’d be amazed at how clumsy they can be sometimes. We have the veterinarian on speed dial.”
I smiled. “Sounds like a lot of work.”
“They are. They say owning a horse is like living with an anchor. Unless you have someone else help out, it’s tough to get away, even for a weekend.”
“Do your parents pitch in?”
“Sometimes. When I really need them. But my dad’s getting older, and there’s a big difference between taking care of one horse and taking care of seven.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
In the warm embrace of the night, I listened to the steady hum of cicadas, breathing in the peace of this refuge, trying to still my racing thoughts.
“This is just the kind of place I imagined you’d live,” I finally said.
“Me too,” she said. “But it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. There’s always something that needs to be repaired. You can’t imagine how many leaks there were in the barn, and big stretches of the fence collapsed last winter. That’s what we worked on during the spring.”
Though I heard her use of “we” and assumed she was talking about her husband, I wasn’t ready to talk about him yet. Nor, it seemed, was she.
“But it is beautiful here, even if it’s a lot of work. On nights like this, I like to sit on the porch and just listen to the world. You hardly ever hear cars driving by, and it’s just so . . . peaceful. It helps to clear the mind, especially after a long day.”
As she spoke, I felt for the measure of her words, sensing her desire to keep our conversation on safe footing.
“I’ll bet.”
“I need to clean some hooves,” she announced. “You want to help?”
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted.
“It’s easy,” she said. “I’ll show you.” She vanished into the barn and walked out carrying what looked to be a couple of small curved nails. She handed one to me. As the horses were eating, she moved toward one.