Dear Nobody (17 page)
Authors: Gillian McCain
Dear Geoff,
Why haven't you written me back?
I love you because you are not beautiful. You are not perfect.
I love everything in youâthat would be destructive to love in myself.
XOXO,
Mary Rose
Dear Nobody,
I just got out of the rehab after being there for a month. More than a month actuallyâfive goddamn weeks. Did anybody care? No. Did anybody visit me? No. Do you think anybody proved that they loved me? I think we know the answer to thatâno one even responded to my letters. Five fucking weeks of hell.
HELL.
I know the word. I know the place. Rehab, hell; same fucking place.
After getting out I had to go into the hospital for a very painful surgery. My face is still bleeding from it and the Codeine they prescribed isn't helping me much. I could deal with the pain if I had help. If I had someone to take care of me. Geoffâthe only one I ever loved or trustedâdoesn't give a fuck about me anymore. He didn't visit or contact me once when I was away.
I could care less.
It's my first night back home, and the slut bitch I call a mother won't even cook me a meal. Not to mention that right before my surgery, she showed up with Joe's fucking engagement ring on! They've made it “official.” Why is she so stupid? Joe tried to kill us; and he would have killed us if the cops hadn't shown up. Now she is going to MARRY him?
I don't care about anything else right nowâI just want some dinner.
Dear Everybody,
Jesus wouldn't even date my mother.
Dear Nobody,
I think rehab may have worked. I know I can't drink anymore. And pot and crack destroy my lungs. But I've always just needed to feel totally disoriented to forget about all this shit. It was pot before my lungs got bad, then alcohol before I passed out and got raped. What's left to do? If I'm gonna fucking kill myself, I might as well die from drugs. I won't be missed. All I need is to be totally loaded. Even just for a few hours would be exceptional. I just need to get away from all of this. My hands fucking shake so bad from nerves. Sometimes even my head or legs. I just want to get loaded. I guess I'm gonna have to start getting used to my sober self. God this
SUCKS!
Dear Nobody,
Mom kicked Joe out. She said she isn't going to marry him. She finally chose her kids over her stupid abusive boyfriends and I couldn't be happier.
Dear Nobody,
My mom and I are getting along tons better. We are both significantly happier. People are just being nicer to me in general. I am healthy enough to be active and energeticâI never dreamed it could be so fun. I'll never take being able to run or ride a bike and keep my breath for granted. Everyone says that a cure is going to happen soon. I can't wait. Maybe I'll be cured by the time I'm eighteen. I hope to God.
Well, I'm just glad things are going well now. I hope they always stay as well.
PS: HA! What the fuck was I thinking! By eighteen? IF EVER!
Dear Nobody,
Tonight at the mall I held a guinea pig. There was a cute one in a movie I saw with Nicole on Saturday, and I've been thinking of getting one ever since. (mom probably won't let me). Man, it's hot out. Wish I had a pool. Used to. At least I'm getting a tan, and maybe lightening my hair a little. I'm on this antibiotic that says to stay out of sunlight. Maybe that's why I've been so tired latelyâ¦
Dear Nobody,
Tonight I am supposed to go to the Lilith Fair with my mom. I don't know why I have reservations about going. It sounds like fun. Mom wants to go. I hope I get on TV. I'm going to jump in front of every camera I see. It's nice outside, so that's good. Our tickets are for the grass.
Dear Nobody,
Okay, we went down to the Lilith Fair, and it ended up being sold out. I was in such a miserable mood. Seeing all those other girls with their friends made me sad. I don't have any friends. Not here. I felt miserable, and like a loser, and everything else people with no friends feel like. At least I had my mom. My mom and God.
Hi Hayley!
I miss you, so I'm writing you a letter. I'm not sure just where to send this, but I'm pretty sure it'll find a way to you somehow. So how have you been? I went to the beach last weekend. New Jersey is doing okay I guess. I forgot to take any pictures, but tomorrow I'm going to some little party by this river so I'll try to take pictures for you there. It'll be prettier there probably anyway. They don't have woods in Arizona, so I'll send pictures with lots of trees and rocks. Do you ever miss those things? I never even noticed those things until I
really
looked at them.
Well, I haven't been doing all that much lately. I've kind of been in one of those moods where I should just stay in my house, because I feel like being alone, and I could probably hurt someone's feelings without even knowing it, IF they were talking to me that is.
A few days ago, I went to Philly to go to that Lilith Fair thing, but it was all sold out. Some guy came up to our car and gave us all these stickers. So I have these Lilith Fair stickers and nothing to do with them because we never got in, so I don't know if it sucks or not, and I can't believe we couldn't even find any scalpers there (even though we were like two hours late).
Well, I quit smoking that stupid weed shit. You see, I realized that lately before I go out, I've been smoking way too much stupid ass pot, so then when I go out to find other drugs, by the time I get there, I'm either like FUCK IT or I'm already high and keep forgetting who told me what, or where to go, or who to ask. And pot is just not worth all that. Barely does much anyway. It's like cigarettes I guess. Like kindergarten shit.
I keep having these weird dreams. You were in one last night, with some old man. You weren't talking very much, but you were making me laugh. Are you doing okay? I mean, I know we can take care of ourselves more than anybody else can, but you seemed so sad in my dream. Like sad in a secret way. Like you didn't want anyone to notice. The old man was sad, but didn't care who noticed. You were almost going to follow him somewhere, but I asked you please not to. Do you have any idea what that could have meant? I'll have to think about it next time I'm tripping.
Hayley, what do you look like now? Please send me a picture. I'm going to send you some of me. I got my hair cut last winter, like short to my chin, but it's grown out some. Do you remember when you were showing me pictures of your old apartment and those people? You had a picture of this girl you said looked just like me! See, I know I'm just bringing up all these old things, but when I go into one of these just-stay-home-moods, I like to remember everything, and then think about it, kind of so I don't forget my life.
Man, I'm watching this stupid show on TV. I broke the VCR so there's no movies to watch. Oh yeah, I'm not drinking as much either, because I always end up breaking something. Not because I'm mad, just because I'm drunk. Like the other week I dropped the phone and it fell on the floor and the batteries fell out. Someone yelled, “Mary Rose broke the phone!” And then someone else yelled, “She didn't break the phone, I can fix it!” Then they got in some stupid fight over who was going to fix the phone, so I stomped on it a few times and said; “
Now
Mary Rose broke the phone!” I was laughing and just making a joke so everyone would shut up (it's hard to get drunk people to shut up) but it worked.
The next day I had to get a new phone, but it was my phone anyway. So that's why I'm not drinking like I used to (it's getting too expensive). Maybe I'll dye my hair again. Oh, I got this guy to buy me earrings. They're gold. These little gold kitties. I named them both Hayley. I never take them off.
I hope you'll call me soon. I lost your phone number. Sucks because I have a thirty minute phone card, too.
Well, I'm gonna go paint my nails. I love you! I love you! I love you!
I MISS YOU! I MISS YOU TONS!
XOXO Love,
Mary Rose
FALL, 1998
Dear Nobody,
I miss Geoff. His sweet smile, the cute things he'd say. I've never felt so close to anyone, or adored anyone as much as I do him. I miss his tangled curly dark tendrils that crowned his precious head, his beautiful dramatic dark brown eyes that shimmered like a river under moon light. I miss his brooding, but somehow proud posture, and deep way with words. Oh, I feel like a part of me has been taken far away, and now I'm incomplete. I've worn his blood and dried his tears.
I wonder if in heaven he will be my angel? Only in heaven will it be, when I could see him there, smiling again at me. To walk through the hell alone, to never have him there to hold my hand. How can I care for him so much when he has abandoned me in such hurtful ways? Is it really him I love, or the idea of loving him?
Dear Nobody,
I'm starting to feel again. Even though it's in the wrong season for rebirth, I am starting to bloom again. I just want some fun. Some friends. REAL friends. I miss my old ones. I miss them so much. It still hurts. It's almost ruined me. I've narrowly escaped the dangers of my misery, but I'm not out of the storm yet. Sometimes I feel like I don't even want any more friends, then other times I feel like I'm desperate to hang out with
ANYONE
. My life is strange like that; I don't know if I'm lazy, or if I just want to put myself in hard-to-be-in circumstances? Maybe it's both. I don't know.
If I assume GOD will work everything out, he usually does (THANK YOU). I feel like if I try to stay half occupied until something happens, I'll be okay. I need to be content on my own for nowâbut I also need to remember my mom and Nicole, too. Mostly I need GOD. I just want to be satisfied.
Tomorrow I might try to call some theaters or something about acting lessons or work-shops or auditions. I tried before, but it was really cliquey. But I figure once they see my talent, they'll either envy me, or respect meâI'll either make friends or enemies. Worst comes to worst, I'll at least get to be acting.