Death: A Life (38 page)
In recent years,
some strange things have been happening on Earth, or rather off it. I watched, in bemused fashion, as you started to put dogs into rockets and send them into outer space. I never quite understood what the purpose of this was—neither did the dogs—but I presume it was meant to be some sacrifice to appease the dark gods you supposed lived in the darkness of the cosmos. The human sacrifices weren’t quite as successful, as the men, by and large, went back to Earth alive, and soon you started sending rockets into space with no living things on them at all, which seemed to me a bit foolish, as you don’t want to make the dark gods angry if you can help it. However, it was one of these odd sacrifices of yours that brings me out of the past of my memoir and into the present.
I had forgotten the conversation I had had with God about Maud until fairly recently. One day, not long before beginning this book, I felt myself being drawn by an irresistible force off the planet Earth. I was pulled through space, past the moon and the dead meteorites and comets, until I approached a red planet with a cratered surface, rich in volcanoes and lava plains. I was on Mars.
According to the
Book of Endings,
a small spacecraft had been sent from Earth to land on the planet. It had descended onto the Martian surface using parachutes, rockets, and air bags, the last of which had suffocated and killed what seemed to be the only living life-form on the planet. I saw the Martian’s puny body pressed deep into the planet’s red dust.
When I freed its soul, it was rather confused as to what had happened, so I tried to explain. I told it about Earth, a planet teeming with Life, and the unfortunate accident that had occurred between it and the spaceship. But the Martian seemed angered by this and asked what it had ever done to the people of Earth to deserve such a fate. I told him that he had been killed purely by accident. He mumbled that he hoped there were humans in Martian Heaven so he could teach them some manners, and I was just about to pop its soul into the Darkness when I heard a cough from behind me.
“Actually, I think this one’s mine,” said a dreadful voice.
I turned around and saw a soft, dark, shapely figure standing behind me. It picked up the Martian’s soul and whispered gently in its ear, and the Martian nodded its little head and shook hands with the figure, before being absorbed into the impossible Blackness that exuded from it.
I was agog. The being turned to me. The hue of her skin was the perfect whiteness of snow.
“Finally!” she said, blowing out her cheeks. “Tenacious little buggers, those Martians.”
She looked at me and smiled. “Well, I’m done here. Do you need a hand back at your place?”
I felt a strange, light-headed elation. So it was true, I thought to myself. There really was Death on other planets.
EPILOGUE
P
hil the Raccoon
played a key role in forging Heaven’s first union of the saved, campaigning for more salvation and shorter eternities. Long associated with demons from the underworld, he disappeared while eating frogs at a diner in Hell. His soul has never been found.
Urizel
and his ever-turning sword of fire continued to guard the Eden Smelting Works until 2008, when he was made redundant. He was replaced by a small plastic alarm system that beeps.
Reginald
never felt at home in Heaven. He returned to Hell after spending only three thousand years in Paradise and is currently undergoing ethical reassignment surgery.
Sunburn
was finally dropped by the
Horsemen of the Apocalypse
. He is currently on a retainer for Club-Med Holidays.
Satan,
following the collapse of the Soul Exchange in Hell, has proposed plans to merge Heaven and Hell under the auspices of Afterlife Inc., stressing Hell’s booming population, and Heaven’s stagnant growth.
Sin
continues to guard the Gates of Hell. She is still married to Satan and continues to suffer from his neglect and cruelty. She is very happy.
Gabriel
spends most of his time collecting string.
God
and
GOD
agreed to submit to a paternity test to discover who was the true Father of all Creation. The results have yet to come back. GOD is currently only allowed to preside over Creation every other weekend.
Jesus
continues to prepare for a new tour of Earth. In the meantime, He still reigns in Heaven, bitch!
Maud
was never seen nor heard from again.
Death
is still with us.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
D
eath thanks
a great many people, objects, and things that have given unselfishly of their existences to make this book possible. A certain few stand out for their special contributions:
Cholera, I never thought you’d make it, thanks for all your hard work over the years, you rule the mucosal epithelium.
Malaria, it’s always a pleasure to work with you; you are simply the best.
Long Scarves Worn in Open-Top Automobiles, I had my doubts, but you had a point.
Not forgetting Zeppelins Filled with Hydrogen, Tortoises Dropped from Eagles’ Claws, Sharp Toothpicks, Agricultural Accidents, Titus’s Flea, St. Vitus’s Dance, St. Titus’s Dancing Flea, Red-Hot Pokers, Inflammation, Exflammation, Flammation, Laughter, Lies, Lead, Latrines, Lightning, Golf, Hot-Air Balloons, Hair Dryers, Electricity, Old Parachutes, Carbon Tetrachloride, Poison, Obsessive Fear of Being Poisoned, Robots, the Demon Core, Sharp Fences, Smallpox, Mediumpox, Largepox, Pneumonia (you too, Exposure!), Three-Day-Old Shellfish, Fugu, Indigestion, Leprosy, Gangrene, Low Lintels, Goat Hair in Pies, Sharks, Butts of Malmsey, Falling Pianos, Infectious Monkeys, Stampeding Buffalo, Runaway Trains, Potato Famines, and Kaiser Wilhelm II.
God, I know we’ve had our disagreements, but I wouldn’t be nothing without You.
This book is dedicated to all those who have gone before and all those who are to come. That means you. Yes, you. No. Not him. You.
George Pendle thanks
the various therapists, analysts, and religious leaders he consulted during the writing of this book. In particular, Jill Grinberg, Luke Dempsey, Lindsey Moore, Dr. Pepe Rockefeller, and Charlotte.
PICTURE CREDITS
Dover Publications
New York Public Library
Library of Congress
University Libraries, University of Houston
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Publisher’s Note
The names, identifying characteristics, and taxonomic rank of the persons, species, and supernatural beings included in this book have been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, and those beyond all human conceptions of ethical responsibility.
Copyright © 2008 by Death
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Pendle, George, 1976–
Death : a life / by George Pendle.—1st ed.
p. cm.
1. Death—Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.D35P46 2008
813'.6—dc22 2008011069
eISBN: 978-0-307-45008-1
v1.0