Deceptive Cadence (41 page)

THIRTY-EIGHT

Dad wasn’t happy with me moving in with James. He helped me pack my room, but he refused to come help Mum and Dusty move me in.

Dusty was confused. I’d packed most of my things in boxes and stored them at home, bringing only a few essentials.

“Are you guys gonna find a place of your own soon?” he asked.

“Ah . . . maybe.” I didn’t want to answer with the truth. Telling everyone I’d be living in the townhouse for only two months before I left would go down like a lead balloon.

As we were about to leave, I turned to Dad. He stood stiff as a board and refused to make eye contact with me. “Dad?”

“Yes, Cadence?”

“I love you.”

His gaze fell and tears welled up in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my head. “He better take care of you, or I’ll tear him limb from limb.”

I clung to him, burrowing into his chest. The time for these moments in the safety of his arms had ended. I’d enjoyed having them a second time, and it saddened me knowing they would rarely happen now I’d be out on my own.

He didn’t want to let go of me, not that I pressed him to. His hand clasped the back of my head as he kissed my forehead over and over. “Why did you have to grow up so quickly?”

I nuzzled into his chest. “I’ll always be your little girl.”

His grip on me tightened and I felt warm tears in my hair. “I’m always here if you need me.”

He kissed my head again before letting me go.

I walked to the car, my own emotions swelling up inside me. I bit my tongue hard to stop myself crying. As we drove away, I waved to Dad, who waved back, but I knew his heart was breaking.

I stared out the window, remembering when I’d left for Western Australia the first time. Dad came with us to the airport, and he held me tightly like he just had. I turned back just inside the gate to see him and Mum both in tears, arms wrapped around each other, as they watched me leaving to go out on my own. I sighed and fought back my tears.

When we arrived at the townhouse, James burst out with his puppy right behind him. He came over and opened the door for Mum, making her laugh and shake her head. He rushed around to the back.

“I expected a few more things than this, like some furniture, or . . .” He opened the tailgate and stared. “Ah . . . I thought you were moving in?”

“I am.” I came around and looked at my two suitcases.

“Um, where’s your mirror, and your books, and your stuffed toys?”

I shrugged as I pulled out one of the suitcases. “I packed them up.”

“But . . .” He grabbed the other suitcase. “I rearranged everything so you had plenty of space. I even bought a new set of drawers and a bigger bed.”

Dusty made a gagging sound.

“I’ll need those,” I answered as the puppy bounced around under my feet. “Hey, Cane.”

The chocolate-brown, lop-eared puppy, which James had given the very “original” name of Canis, bounced and yipped as we dragged the suitcases inside and up the stairs. We dumped the suitcases in his room—our room—and headed back downstairs. Dusty browsed through the DVDs while Mum examined the living room and kitchen.

“Mum?” I said.

She swung around and smiled at me with tears in her eyes. “This place looks nice, and it’s in a great location for wherever you decide to go to school.” She ran her finger over the freshly cleaned countertop. “But I’m going to miss you at home with us.”

I rushed over and threw my arms around her. “I’ll miss you, too.”

“And me.” Dusty wrapped his arms around both of us. “Dad’s going to be completely focused on me and on my case about everything now.”

We laughed.

“So,” James said from behind us. We turned to face him and saw him standing with his hands in his pockets, staring right at me. “Which uni did you decide on?”

I dropped my gaze. “I haven’t yet.”

“You better hurry up, sweetie,” Mum said, stroking my hair. “Deadlines are coming up.”

“She’ll pick Macquarie, won’t you, Cadence?” James grinned.

I shook my head. “No, I don’t wanna to do that course.”

His face fell slightly. “Then UTS and you can travel with Tom,” he said smoothly.

“Maybe.” I stepped over to him and grabbed his hand. “Let’s not talk about it right now. I’m feeling emotional enough about moving out without adding to it.”

He caressed my face. “Okay.”

After some very emotional goodbyes, where even Dusty fought to hold back his tears, James and I were left alone. I made my way back into the living room and gazed around. It felt strange, even though I’d been there plenty of times—living there would be another thing entirely.

“Are you okay?” James asked as he headed into the kitchen to make lunch.

“Um . . . yeah. I think I might go and unpack.”

He turned to me. “You know, there’s nothing wrong with feeling weird about this. Take your time to adjust, but don’t block me out, okay?”

I smiled. “Okay.”

“All right. Well, I’ll make you something to eat while you unpack.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I love you, beautiful.”

Canis followed me to the room. He ran around, trying to jump up onto the bed to get my attention while I stood staring at my open suitcases. My thought process came to an abrupt halt and I felt numb.

I reached in and pulled out my five response letters. I needed to mail them, but I was so afraid. I set them back down, pulled out my jewelry and makeup, then slid my suitcases into the corner.

I caught Canis and lay back on the bed with him on my chest. I shut my eyes, trying to force all my thoughts and feelings aside and just relax. Canis’ little body felt warm and comforting on my chest, and his rough little tongue occasionally licked my hand. I giggled and looked into his large amber eyes as they gazed down at me. They definitely called them puppy eyes for a good reason.

A soft tap came from the door. I sat up as James entered and set down a sandwich for me, then sat beside me on the bed. “Cadence, are you freaking out?”

I giggled. “Yeah, a bit.”

He plucked up Canis and shut him in the bathroom. When he came back, he climbed on top of me and kissed me. I moaned at the taste of his lips. His hand stroked my cheek and neck as he laid me flat on my back underneath him.

He broke away and softly kissed down my chin and neck. “I’ll take care of you. You don’t need to worry about anything.”

I shut my eyes as his hand stroked down my leg, exposed by my shorts. He drove me wild as his lips moved onto my collarbone, but he pulled away and sat on the bed beside me to eat.

I stared up at him, gaping. He grinned and continued eating. I slapped his leg. “What was that?”

“What? I’m hungry.”

“You’re such a man.”

He raised his eyebrows. “A man, huh? I’ve been promoted from guy. I like that.”

He set his food aside and rolled back on top of me, making me giggle.

That afternoon, James and I headed to the store to buy some decent groceries. I refused to eat instant noodles and frozen pizza every day. I also slipped my letters into my handbag while he wasn’t looking, determined, albeit afraid, to mail them.

We perused the store where I made him pick out fresh fruit and veg, and he insisted on steaks. As he waited for the checkout, I went to the bakery to pick up some bread. While I walked through the shopping center, I found the post office. The red mailbox sat out in front of it, beckoning to me, but tormenting me, with its mere presence.

I stood frozen for several moments, trying to build up the courage to mail the letters. Then, I took a deep breath, and surged toward it.

Glancing over my shoulder, I slipped the five letters in the mailbox—four declines, and one acceptance to Western Australia. I hadn’t told anyone which one I’d chosen. My parents didn’t even know I’d applied for an out of state school.

I knew how it would go with James and I dreaded telling him. He would have been disappointed if I didn’t choose Macquarie, but would have accepted it. This would send him into a fit of rage.

I stepped back from the mailbox wishing I could jump inside and take the letters back. Those letters were on their way to tear James’ heart apart, and I didn’t know if I could live with that.

“Hey, where’s the bread?”

I jumped and swung around at the sound of James’ voice.

“Oh, I . . .” I hurried to the bakery.

In the car, he asked, “So were you mailing your acceptance letter back there?”

I bit my lip, not wanting to answer.

“Cadence.” He sighed. “You’ve been kind of closed off lately. I hope it’s not because I freaked you out when I asked you to marry me. I get that you’re not ready, so I’m not going to push you, and if you don’t feel ready to live with me, I understand that, too. I’m not going to make you do something you’re not comfortable with.”

Loud sobs burst free from me. How could I do this to him? How could I just leave when he was so wonderful?

He kept looking at me with concern as I cried the whole way home. I needed to tell him. He needed to know I would break his heart more than I already had. Maybe he could come with me? But the whole point to going out there was to see Austin, so how could I test those waters with my boyfriend in tow? What was I even
thinking
? I still had a boyfriend and I was thinking about another guy whom I hadn’t even met yet, technically.

James, Austin. Austin, James. I played a dangerous game and it hadn’t even started yet. I didn’t want to end it with James. I still loved him, but I couldn’t get the memories of Austin and the love we shared to die down.

I began to reason and make excuses. Maybe with the distance James would end it with me, which would remove my guilt about Austin. Then again, I’d be devastated if James broke up with me, and more than anything, I didn’t want that.

Everything was so messed up.

When I drew myself out of my thoughts, I realized James had me in his arms, carrying me up the stairs to our room. I drew a shaky breath and nuzzled my head into his shoulder. I loved the way he smelled, and his warmth encompassed me. It gave me comfort, and I relaxed as he placed me on the bed.

He knelt beside me, clasping my hand in his, and softly kissed my fingers. “Cadence, you know I love you, right?”

I rolled onto my side to look into his amazing gray-blue eyes. “Yes.”

“Then talk to me. I hate seeing you like this.”

I sighed and closed my eyes as his fingers brushed my cheek, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I don’t want to hurt you, James.”

His breath caught, and a flash of fear crossed his face. “How could you hurt me?”

I clasped his hands tightly as I stared at them, unable to look him in the eyes as I dealt the crushing blow.

“I accepted UWA.”

“UWA?” He hesitated, then he pulled his hands from mine and launched to his feet. “
What
? Are you insane?”

“I told you it would hurt you,” I said softly.

“Yeah, it does! How could you do that? You could have stayed right here, but you chose to go clear across the country? Is it because I asked you to marry me and you’re freaking out?”

I pulled my knees up as my tears fell. “No. I just needed a fresh start.”

“A fresh start from what? Your family? You can have that right here!” He waved his arms around the room. “From your friends who love you? Or no, you’re running from me, right?”

My head shot up. “No!”

He backed away from me, grabbing his hair as his face twisted with pain. “Then why? Why would you run so far away from me?”

I sat up to face him. “I’m not running from you!”

“I don’t understand. What about
us
? What will I do without you? You know I love so much I want to marry you and have you with me every day, so you go somewhere so far away that I’d be lucky to see you every few months? You’re killing me!”

My face fell into my hands as my heart broke from the pain I inflicted on him. “I’m so sorry. But this decision has nothing to do with you. I still love you so much, but I have to do this. I have to learn who I am on my own. We’ve been together so long that I’ve become lost in you. I can’t pick out my own thoughts and feelings from yours. I can’t seriously consider marriage until I know who I am and know I can stand on my own two feet.”