Deenie (9 page)

"You know something?" Buddy said, "You didn't wave to me this morning."

"I didn't?" Buddy waves to me every day when we pass each other in the hall, on the way to our first-period classes. "I guess I didn't see you,'' I told him.

"You turned away when I was walking by."

"Well, I didn't mean to. I just have so many things on my mind."

"Yeah?"

"I mean it … really."

"Not that it matters … I only came in here to see the fish anyway." He started to walk across the room. Then he stopped and turned for a minute. "See you around," he said. He must think I don't like him anymore! I wish there was some way to let him know the truth.

All that week I kept hoping Dr. Kliner would call to say everyone had made a terrible mistake. That there's nothing wrong with me after all and that I definitely don't have scoliosis. Every time the phone rang I jumped but it was never Dr. Kliner. I touched my special place practically every night. It was the only way I could fall asleep and besides, it felt good.

We're starting a new program in gym. Once a month we're going to have a discussion group with Mrs. Rappoport. It sounds very interesting because Mrs. Rappoport asked us each to write down a question and drop it into a box on her desk. The question could be about anything, she said, especially anything we need to know about sex. She told us not to put our names on the paper. She doesn't want to know who's asking what. It's a good thing too, because I'd never have asked my question if I had to sign my name. I wrote:

Do normal people touch their bodies before they go to sleep and is it all right to do that?

On Tuesday, when we walked into the gym, Mrs. Rappoport told us to sit in a circle so we could talk easily. The first questions she discussed were all about menstruation. But I already knew most everything from my booklet. After that she said, "Okay, now I think we can move on to another subject. Here's an interesting question." She read it to us. "Do normal people touch their bodies before they go to sleep and is it all right to do that?"

I almost died! I glanced around, then smiled a little, because some of the other girls did, and hoped the expression on my face looked like I was trying to figure out who had asked such a thing.

Mrs. Rappoport said, "Can anyone help us with an answer?"

Susan Minton raised her hand.

"Yes, Susan … " Mrs. Rappoport said.

"I wasn't the one who wrote the question but I've heard that boys who touch themselves too much can go blind or get very bad pimples or their bodies can even grow deformed."

"Has anyone else heard that?" Mrs. Rappoport asked.

Five other girls raised their hands.

Could it possibly be true? I wondered. And if it was true about boys maybe it was about girls too. Maybe that's why my spine started growing crooked! Please God … don't let it be true, I prayed. I felt my face get hot and I had to go to the bathroom in the worst way but I didn't move a muscle. I hoped nobody could tell what I was thinking.

"Well … " Mrs. Rappoport said, "I can see you've got a lot of misinformation. Does anyone here know the word for stimulating our genitals? Because that's what we're talking about, you know."

It got very quiet in the gym. Nobody said anything for a long time. Then one girl spoke. "I think it's called masturbation."

"That's right," Mrs. Rappoport told us. "And it's not a word you should be afraid of. Let's all say it."

"Masturbation," we said together.

"Okay," Mrs. Rappoport said. "Now that you've said it let me try to explain. First of all, it's normal and harmless to masturbate."

"You mean for boys … " Susan Minton said.

"No, I mean for anyone … male or female," Mrs. Rappoport told us. "The myths that some of you have heard aren't true. Masturbation can't make you insane or deformed or even give you acne."

I wanted to take a deep breath when she said that but I didn't. 1 just gulped and looked at the floor.

"Does everybody masturbate?" Barbara Curtis asked.

"Not necessarily," Mrs. Rappoport said. "But it's very common for girls as well as boys, beginning with adolescence."

Any minute I thought Mrs. Rappoport would ask us to raise our hands if we masturbate and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to tell the truth. I never knew there was a name for what I do. I just thought it was my own special good feeling. Now I wonder if all my friends do it too?

But Mrs. Rappoport didn't ask us to tell her if we did or we didn't masturbate and I was glad. It's a very private subject. I wouldn't want to talk about it in front of the class. She said the important thing to remember is that it is normal and that it can't hurt us. "Nobody ever went crazy from masturbating but a lot of young people make themselves sick from worrying about it."

I couldn't help thinking about Buddy. Can he can get that special feeling too? I'd like to find out how much Buddy really knows about girls. I hardly know anything about boys. I think we should have discussions every week. They're more important than modern dance!

That afternoon, when I got home from school, there was a note from Ma, saying she was at the A&P with Aunt Rae. I put my books down, poured myself a glass of milk and was just about to sneak a few chocolate cookies from Ma's secret hiding place, when the phone rang.

"Hello … " I said.

"Mrs. Fenner?"

"No … she isn't in right now."

"This is Dr. Kliner's office calling … "

When I heard that my heart started to beat very fast. "Can I take a message?" I asked, then had to clear my throat.

"Deenie's Milwaukee Brace is ready and the doctor suggests an appointment on Friday at ten o'clock."

"This Friday?"

"That's right. And the doctor also suggests a change of clothes for Deenie … a size or two larger than her regular things."

"What for?" I asked.

"Because the brace takes up a certain amount of room and the girls can't get their regular clothes over it."

"Oh."

"Have Mrs. Fenner call if she can't make it on Friday. I'll be here until six."

"I'll tell her."

"Thank you," she sang and hung up, like she didn't even care about what she had just told me. I didn't say anything to Ma about the phone call when she got back from the market. I thought about not telling anyone. But I knew if we didn't show up on Friday Dr. Kliner's office would call to find out what happened and then Daddy and Ma would know about the first phone call and that would make me a liar. So I told them during supper. It was already past six-thirty.

"Friday's fine with me," Daddy said. "I'll ask Joe to work that morning."

I'd been chewing on the same piece of meat for a while but I couldn't swallow it so I held my napkin to my mouth and spit it out. "What's wrong?" Ma asked. "It was all fat," I told her. I drank some water, then took a big breath and spoke very fast. "I'm supposed to bring some other clothes to Dr. Kliner's office because mine won't fit over the brace." I looked at the food on my plate and moved some of it around with my fork.

"Don't worry about your clothes," Ma said. "You can get all new things … can't she, Frank?"

"Sure," Daddy said. "Never mind about that."

"But my jeans are all broken in the way I like them!"

"So you'll break in new jeans," Daddy said. "As many as you want."

"And I never even wore my two new skirts and sweaters. I was saving them for when it gets cold." I could feel my throat tightening.

"Maybe we can take them back and get the next size," Ma said.

"You already shortened the skirts," I said.

"So we won't return them," Daddy said. "It's not important."

"But it's a waste of money," I told him.

"Never mind," Daddy said again. "All that matters is getting you well."

"I am well!"

"You know what Daddy means," Ma said.

Later, Helen came to my room carrying a navy skirt and a striped shirt. "You can wear these tomorrow," she said. "They're bigger than your things and they'll probably look better on you anyway." She put them down on my bed. They still had tags on them.

Twelve

The brace looks like the one Dr. Kliner showed us three weeks ago. It's the ugliest thing I ever saw.

I'm going to take it off as soon as I get home. I swear, I won't wear it. And nobody can make me. Not ever! I felt like telling that to Dr. Kliner but I didn't. I had to fight to keep from crying.

Just when I thought I was going to be okay Ma started. "Oh, my God!" she cried. "What did we ever do to deserve this?" She buried her face in a tissue and made sobbing noises that really got me sore. The louder she cried the madder I got until I shouted, "Just stop it, Ma! Will you just stop it please!"

Dr. Kliner said, "You know, Mrs. Fenner, you're making this very hard on your daughter."

Ma opened the door and ran out of Dr. Kliner's office.

Daddy hugged me and said, "I'm proud of you, Deenie. You're stronger than your mother."

I wanted to tell him I'm not. I hate just looking at the brace, never mind the thought of wearing it.

But I was glad he thought I was strong so I kept pretending I really was.

"Why don't you see about your wife," Dr. Kliner said to Daddy. "I'd like a minute alone with Deenie anyway."

Daddy said, "Of course, Doctor," and he left the room.

Dr. Kliner pushed a button on his desk and told me, "Miss Harrigan will be here in a minute. She's going to help you with your brace. But before she comes I want to tell you something. Your mother's attitude toward your condition is fairly common. Usually when the mother feels that way it rubs off on the patient. I can tell you have your father's attitude and I'm glad. Because wearing the brace can be as easy or difficult as you make it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nodded.

"Before you leave we're going to give you a booklet about scoliosis which explains the exercises you'll have to do every day."

"I didn't know I'd have to do exercises. I thought I wouldn't be able to do anything like that."

"Just the opposite," Dr. Kliner said. "There's nothing you
can't
do."

"You mean I should take gym in school?" That would mean changing in the locker room where all the girls would be able to see my brace.

"Positively. Gym is very important. So is swimming. Can you swim?"

"Yes, but how do I swim with the brace on?"

"That's the one activity you do without the brace. I'd like you to swim at least three days a week for half an hour at a time."

There was a knock at the door and Dr. Kliner called, "Come in … Deenie I'd like you to meet Iris Harrigan."

"Hello, Deenie." Miss Harrigan was very tall and really pretty. She reminded me of that girl I sat next to at the modeling agency, the one who wanted to be in commercials. She picked up my brace and said, "Let's go change."

I stood up and followed her into the same room where Dr. Kliner had examined me.

"You can get undressed in the bathroom if you want," Miss Harrigan said. "But take this in with you. It goes over your bra and pants." She handed me a piece of material.

"It looks like a boy's undershirt," I told her.

"It is a kind of undershirt. You wear it under your brace. It prevents most skin irritations."

"I have to wear an undershirt? Like a baby?"

"Well, it's strictly for comfort."

"Then I don't
have
to wear it?" I asked.

"It's not a
must.
But you'll feel more comfortable."

"I don't care about being comfortable," I said. "I don't want to wear that thing!"

"Okay then," Miss Harrigan said. "Try it without."

"I will." I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I took off my dress and folded it up. Then I unlocked the door and called, "I'm ready … "

"Come on out," Miss Harrigan said. She picked up the brace. "I'm going to show you how to get into it now. The first time will be the hardest. After today it will be easier every time you do it."

The brace is made mostly of metal but there are some white plastic parts too. Miss Harrigan explained that the reason the plastic is full of little holes is so the air can get through to my skin. There are two metal strips down the back of the brace and one down the front. But the worst thing is that the strips are attached to a metal collar.

Miss Harrigan helped me into the brace. "It's too tight around my neck." I tried to pull it away.

"It has to hold your neck in place," Miss Harrigan said. "The whole idea of the brace is to keep your spine in one position and your spine begins at the base of your neck."

"It hurts!" I told her. "Please take it off!"

"It doesn't hurt. There's nothing to hurt you at all. Let me adjust the straps for you."

Miss Harrigan buckled and unbuckled the side straps until I told her I felt more comfortable. There were three more strips of metal on my brace that I didn't notice right away. Two are around my sides and one starts at the front of my neck, goes under my left arm, and winds up someplace in the back, near my head.