Deep Blue (16 page)

I’m still hovering in the living room when Tyler walks in a few seconds later. He dumps his duffel loudly in the same place as last time—the center of the pathway. He stares out the front window. “What are you doing with Jaeg?”

I sink onto the couch. “We’re hanging out.”

His mouth parts and his eyes narrow. “What do you mean, hanging out?”

“Dating, seeing each other—you know that ritual men and women do?”

Tyler steps closer. Here it comes, the you-can’t-date-my-friend speech. “Cali, I get it that you’re going through a rough time. I know the feeling.”
He does?
He doesn’t know I lost my job. He must be referring to the breakup, but what does Tyler know about breakups? He hasn’t had a girlfriend since high school. “Which is why I want you to stay away from Jaeger. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserve to get fucked over on the rebound.”

I stare, dumbfounded. “Are you warning
him
away from
me
? What happened to the Tyler Detector and keeping guys away from your innocent sister? And for the record, I
am
a nice girl.”

Tyler sits next to me on the couch, the weight of his large body making me bounce on my end of the cushion. “You are, but like I said, you’re—” He flaps his hand. “—messed up. Unstable right now.”

I shake my head in exasperation. “Thanks, Tyler, cause I needed my brother to turn on me in my time of need.”

He nudges my shoulder. “I’m not turning on you. It’s just that I know Jaeg. I know what he’s been through. The Olympics were months away when he had his accident. Not years—months, Cali. Training was his life and he lost it all.” Tyler rubs his mouth and shakes his head. “I saw the way he watched you at his parents’ place. He’s a serious guy, and he likes you. If you’re not serious about him …”

I don’t want to hurt Jaeger, but not being with him would hurt me. He makes me happy and his kisses turn my limbs the consistency of pudding. But Tyler’s right. I’m messed up. “Why are you really in town, Tyler?”

He stands and rummages in his bag, his movements stiff and jerky. “I had a similar situation with a girl. Nothing I want to talk about.”

My big brother had his heart broken? That’s a first.

I lay my head on the back of the couch and wince. My stomach is tied in knots. “Well, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.” I glance over, and Tyler’s staring at me.

“What’s wrong? You sick?” he asks.

I rock my head from side to side and gaze at the ceiling. “I’m a loser, Tyler. I haven’t told you or Mom yet, but I lost my job.” He raises a brow, and I wave off the questions. “Long story.”

He sits beside me again. “You’re not a loser. You’re almost as smart as me, which makes you one of the smartest people on the planet.”

Confidence runs in the family.

In comparison to Jaeger and what he accomplished after adversity, I am a loser. At the moment, I have nothing to offer but baggage.

Before I left his place, Jaeger told me he bought his house and workshop with the money he earned. That beautiful place and the property is
his
. He’s wealthy—and I thought he was a side-of-the-road salesman. I figured with my college degree, I had the upper hand.

I can’t stay in Lake Tahoe forever. My mom would have a heart attack, and I’d never amount to anything working one of the myriad unskilled jobs available.

If I obtain my law degree, that would be something. I wouldn’t be a loser with no future. I’d have something to contribute to a relationship. Eric booted me and I was his intellectual superior. How would a relationship with someone like Jaeger ever survive?

I am nothing without that law degree.

The next day I do laundry and wait for Jaeger to call or text. Yes, that’s how lame I’ve become. I’m sitting around waiting for a guy to call. Gen’s having an early lunch with Nessa, and Tyler drove to his friend’s place. Not having a car bites now that Gen and I are no longer on the same schedule.

I fold clothes on the bed and glance at the phone every few minutes. It rings, or rather, chimes, and I launch across the bed in a quasi-cartwheel and swipe it off the nightstand.

I take a deep breath and let it out easy. He doesn’t need to know I just sprinted to answer the call. “Hello?” I say calmly.

“Hey, Cali.”

What the hell? “
Eric?
”

“Surprised?”

“Yeeahh. Kinda.”

“I wanted to check in. See how you’re doing.” He sounds happy, which is pretty annoying. It’s not that I don’t want him happy, but he doesn’t need to rub it in after the way he treated me.

“I’m good, Eric. Everything’s good.”

“Awesome. Things are going well over here too. I finish school at the end of the month and just accepted a job with a start-up in Silicon Valley. Great benefits package, vacation, the works. Some travel, as well. It’s a good opportunity. Lots of room for growth.”

My loser ex has a life and he called to brag? “Good for you, Eric,” I say, attempting to mean it.

“When do you leave for Harvard?” he asks cheerily.

I rub my forehead with a fist. “Uhh, well, I’m not sure. I guess I’m going.” I should go. I need to go if I want a life.

“What do you mean, you guess?” His tone is critical.

“Well … I was sort of considering not attending. I’m not sure it’s the right path for me.”

“Are you insane?” His voice ends on a high pitch. “You’re joking, right?”

What the hell? Eric never cared about my plans. Not until he broke up with me and indicated our different futures was part of the reason. “I was considering deferring or maybe trying something else.” I have no idea what that something else would be, but with Eric acting judgmental, I don’t want to sound like an even bigger loser and admit I don’t have a plan. “In all likelihood, I’ll end up going to law school.”

“Yeah—well, good luck with that,” he says insincerely. “I gotta go. I need to wrap up finals and search for a place on the Peninsula. Me and a couple of buddies are living together. It’s gonna be rad.”

Did he just use the word
rad?
He got his shit together, so I have to give props for that.

My loser ex and I have switched places. How awesome. Just—fantastic. “Okay, well, congratulations on your new job.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you around.”

Will he? I doubt it. I click off my phone and toss it on the bed, planting my face in the mattress.

Payback is a
biiitch
.

Jaeger stuffs the sandwiches and drinks he bought at the marina convenience store into his backpack. He called shortly after Eric did and surprised me with a hike at Fallen Leaf Lake.

We climb down the steps to the beach and walk along the shore to the trailhead. “My ex called today,” I blurt.

His gaze slides to me, his pace slowing to a stroll.

“He called to tell me how great his life is.” I sink onto the craggy surface of a large rock. What I have to say isn’t directly related to Eric, but it needs to be said before things go further. I stare out at the water. “I don’t want to go to law school. Not even to one I can afford. I don’t want to go at all.” Jaeger sits on the low stone beside me, which puts his shoulders only a few inches above mine instead of a foot. “I might not end up being who you thought I’d be when we started this.” Silence. I look over and he’s watching me with a calm expression on his face. “What are you thinking?”

Jaeger slides the backpack from his shoulder and sets it on the ground. “I think you are who I thought you were when I saw you again, and that you should do what makes you happy. You’re a talented, smart girl. You can do anything you want.”

I choke. “Talented? I’m not talented. I’m good at school. Smart, yes, although that’s questionable at the moment. A smart person wouldn’t give up a top law program.”

Jaeger’s brows pinch together. “You’re an artist too. Don’t put yourself in a box, Cali. And your ex—” He shakes his head. “Dumbass. Better for me.” He grins. “I never cared that you got into Harvard. I didn’t know that’s what you were doing before … well, anyway. That’s not what impressed me about you, though your intelligence is hot.” The corner of his mouth kicks up, light stubble along his jaw flickering blond in the light.

I grin. His words are like a warm blanket; they soothe and comfort. He sees me for who I am better than I do. “What did you mean when you said I’m an artist?”

“Your sketches.”

“My
doodles?
”

He nods slowly, as if considering something. “They’re amazing.”

Is he crazy? No one has ever told me my doodles are good, not that I flash them around or anything. Gen likes them, but she also thinks vampire romances are literature and sings along to “Islands in the Stream.” She’s not a reliable source.

Jaeger rests his elbows on his knees, hands draped loosely between them. “I thought skiing and the Olympics were everything I wanted in life. That skiing was the only thing I could do. When it all fell away, I thought I had nothing left. My knee was jacked from tearing it too many times and my long-term girlfriend broke up with me.” He looks up. “I know what it’s like to get dumped. I understand the doubts that go through your head. Believe me when I say that your ex was an idiot who didn’t know what he had.”

Those words are easier to believe about someone else. Why any girl would let Jaeger go baffles me. I can’t imagine giving him up. I can barely take my eyes off him. “The girl you were with? She broke up with you after your accident?”

“We were together in high school and our first year of college. She broke up with me when I was in the hospital.”

My throat tightens. It happened a long time ago, but I’m angry for him. “That’s horrible,” I finally manage.

He smirks. “It was. At the time. I eventually got over it. You remember me telling you about those years—”

“When you were a man-whore.”

He smiles, his eyes crinkling. “When I was a man-whore.” Then his face sobers. “It was a stupid, immature reaction, but I was crushed. Not just because of her. When she broke up with me I wasn’t that surprised. Maybe with her timing, but not that it happened.”

Hmm. A curious statement. I want to know more, but I won’t push.

“You’ve handled the crap you’ve been dealt really well. Better than I did.”

I pick at a weed in front of me. “I haven’t turned into a slut.”

The corner of his mouth quirks. “Maybe, but that’s not my point. You’re a good friend, Cali. You look out for Gen. I’ve seen you with your brother and the bond you share. You’re a hard worker or you wouldn’t have gotten into law school … and I remember you when we were younger. You’ve always been feisty, with an underlying sweetness.” He shifts on the rock, planting his feet more firmly on the ground. “I had a crush on you back then,” he says faintly, looking out at the water.

My mouth gapes and I stare at him. After a moment, he glances over and smiles at what I’m assuming is my stunned expression. “It’s not something I admitted to myself back then. I was young and stupid. I thought I was in love with Kate. I was busy, training nonstop. I glossed over things with her that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t trust my instincts. The more I get to know you, the more I realize you’re everything I wanted and still want. I know you’re going through a hard time, and believe me, I’m trying to give you space, but it’s difficult. I want to be with you.”

I stop breathing for a moment, my head spinning. I figured he liked me. I wondered to what degree, with all the wooing. I never imagined his interest stemmed from as far back as high school—when I had my own little crush on the younger version of him. “What are you saying?”

His gaze shifts down, then out at the water. “Just that I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He looks back. “No matter what direction your life takes. Things feel messed up, but you’ll pull through this and you’ll have me.”

As much as that statement comforts, I can’t help but wonder … why? My life’s a wreck. I can’t handle not knowing where I’m headed. I need to know, or I can’t see a future with Jaeger or anyone.

God, I sound like a guy, needing financial security before I can commit. But I was raised differently. My mom taught my brother and me to be independent and to provide for ourselves instead of relying on others. I can’t simply wipe that program from my head. I have to figure out what I’m doing before I make promises, but I also don’t want to lose Jaeger.

No more serious talks about the future or feelings come up during the rest of our walk, which is a relief. I need time to process everything. Jaeger holds my hand as we check out a small mountain chapel nestled off the trail, but he doesn’t kiss me. That doesn’t stop me from drooling every time he lunges over a boulder near the cascades, his shorts straining against his perfect ass. The degree to which I lust after him is embarrassing.

He drops me off at my house after the hike and pecks me on the cheek. The gesture is friendly and platonic, and not at all in line with his earlier words. Is he giving me space?

Jaeger said he’d stand by me no matter what I decide, but the only logical course is to plan for Cambridge. There are cheaper and closer programs, but I’d be a dumbass to pass up Harvard. Attending school there is what an independent, intelligent woman would do. I can’t stand this fragile, broken thing I’ve become.

It’s the only way I can get back to being myself.

It’s been over an hour since Jaeger dropped me off and Gen hasn’t returned from lunch with Nessa. I check my phone for messages. Finding none, I open a new text, but stop typing at the sound of a car easing into the driveway.

My eyes bulge. Gen’s in the passenger side of a red Jeep in a heated conversation with Lewis from the beach barbecue. Mira’s boyfriend.

Where the heck is Gen’s car?

I can’t believe she’s with this guy. He’s the A-hole all over again. Is she intentionally trying to ruin her chance for happiness?

I sink onto the couch and twist my hands together. I thought bringing Gen to Lake Tahoe would be a good thing. I can’t believe she’s putting herself back in the same situation she escaped.

Gen shuts the front door behind her and presses her back to it, her eyes closed. I spring up in full attack mode. “What the hell, Gen? What are you doing with that guy?” I point forcefully at the window and Lewis, his head turned as he reverses out of the driveway.