Deep (11 page)

“Leave, please. You know you want to.”

Jeans lay abandoned just inside the bathroom door. I halfheartedly kicked them aside, locking myself in.

“Sweetheart.” A timid knock or two. “C’mon, open up.”

My back to the door, I slumped down, not stopping until the hard marble chilled my ass. Egyptian cotton didn’t have such great thermal properties, apparently. Tears fell, but I just ignored them. Whatever.

“Let me explain.”

I don’t think so.

“I just … I panicked when I saw it was him. Fuck, Lizzy.” An angry thump on the door. “You don’t get how hard this is. I like you, but…”

But. But me no buts. Fuck.

“I’m not saying I wouldn’t have told him in time.”

Huh. Nor was he saying he would have.

“Christ, can I at least have my pants?” he grumbled.

No, actually. No he couldn’t. From me, he couldn’t have a single thing more. I’d given all I would.

More tears fell unchecked. My body still buzzing but my heart breaking open. How confusing. So much good with the bad. It really was complicated. Everything went quiet out there; he said no more. I guess, at the end of the day, I just wasn’t the kind of girl that “complicated” worked for. I wasn’t in search of drama. I wasn’t only happy when it rained. So instead I sat on the cold bathroom floor and cried and cried.

Eventually, dimly, I heard the front door slam shut.

Over and out.

CHAPTER FIVE

NOW

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?” asked Anne, face incredulous.

“No. I’m not going to explain what went on between me and Ben to you.”

She just blinked.

“It’s personal.” I stood tall, despite feeling about two inches off the floor. “I just wanted you to know that I chased him, not the other way around. I had feelings for him and I acted on them. End of story.”

So I guess I would explain what happened between us. At least a little of one side of the sorry tale. Hopefully enough to save the band. Good god, did my pride lay in tatters on the floor.

Mal wouldn’t meet my eyes, and Ben’s nose was still bleeding. Awesome. What a mess. The entire dinner party had denigrated into some blood-splattered, rock ’n’ roll wrestling, multiple-surprise-baby-announcement mess. My fault. I should have handled it differently. Not that I had any idea how I could have done better just yet, but whatever. Doubtless some genius ideas would taunt me at two in the morning.

There were a lot of judgy eyes in the room. All of my new friends and family gathered around to watch the explosion. Shit.

“I’m sorry,” I said and bolted for the door. I grabbed my coat and left.

*   *   *

A banging noise.

I cracked open an eyelid. In the darkness the alarm clock shone 3:18 a.m. in brilliant green. What in the ever-loving hell? The banging continued, followed by the muffled sound of voices. One was loud and belligerent, the other far calmer. I got up and flicked on the living room light, stumbled over to the front door. Whoever it was would just have to take me in socks, old sweatpants, and an oversize T-shirt. Away from the warmth of my bed, goose bumps covered my arms.

“Liz?” a familiar rough voice demanded. “Open up.”

I did as asked, yawning and rubbing the sleep from my eyes all the while. “Wow. You look a mess.”

“Yeah,” said Ben, swaying slightly.

He stood upright mostly due to the aid of David, one big arm thrown over the other man’s shoulders. Hair hung in his face, combining with the beard for a cross between a yeti and a Cousin It kind of feel. From between the dark strands, red eyes peered out at me. Oh, and lest I forget, he also stank like he’d recently bathed in a keg of beer, using Scotch-scented soap. Lovely.

“Sorry ’bout this,” said the guitarist, half dragging Ben into my apartment. “He insisted on coming over.”

“It’s fine.”

“On the couch?” David asked, face lined with strain.

“Ah, have to be the bed, please. He’s too big to fit on the couch.”

“Serve his stupid ass right if he woke up on the floor.” David sighed.

“Let me help.” I slid beneath Ben’s other arm, trying to take some of the weight. Christ, the man could put a bear to shame in the sheer bulk department.

“Hey, sweetheart,” said the giant drunken sod.

“Hey there, Ben.” I grabbed hold of his hand, hanging on tight. “How you feeling?”

“Great.” He chuckled.

“I’ll go first,” said David, directing the three of us sideways so we’d fit through my bedroom door.

“Okay. Go slow.”

“Yep.”

Operation Haul the Drunken Baby Daddy into Bed was going well. Except when Ben kind of stumbled halfway through. He surged forward, his forehead cracking into the doorjamb. I swear I felt the building shudder. There was definitely an indent in the wooden frame.

“Ow,” he said, sort of contemplatively.

David just laughed.

“Crap. Are you all right?” I asked, trying to push the hair back from his face to see, while keeping him upright and hopefully safe from further harm. “Ben?”

“He’s fine. Dude has the hardest head I’ve ever seen. One time when we were kids we got stoned up on the roof of my house. Ben walked straight off the edge. We were all freaking out, but by the time we got down there he’d already gotten on his bike and headed home. The big idiot’s basically indestructible.” David directed us toward the side of the bed. “Okay, let him go.”

I did so, and the father of my unborn child toppled face-first onto the mattress. At least that had to be a soft landing. Still, he lay there completely unmoving, apart from the rebound of the springs. God, I hoped we hadn’t accidentally killed him. If we had, at least the neglect wasn’t willful.

I grabbed one of his sneakers and gave it a shake. “Ben, are you still breathing?”

A groan from the man on the bed. Not too bad, as signs of life went.

“Don’t worry,” said David. “He’s fine. Just let him sleep it off.”

I nodded, still frowning just the same.

“You right with him?” asked David, hands on his hips. “I can send Sam over if you like. He’s finished babysitting Mal from what I hear.”

“No need, thanks. Is he all right? Mal?”

He gaze softened. “Passed out just like this one, apparently.”

Seriously, such a mess. Anne and Mal would probably never talk to me again. Well, Anne would, but she was my sister, so she had to forgive me eventually. Mal was another situation entirely. The thought of losing his high opinion and easy affection bit deep. Consequences were a bitch. Realistically, however, I couldn’t imagine myself having done any differently even if I’d known Mal and Anne would be pissed. I mean, I’d already known that and it didn’t even make me pause. Fewer star-crossed lovers and more adults should be allowed to date who they wanted.

Maybe if I’d known the night would result in the bean … I don’t know. There was only one thing I was sure of: sex equaled nothing but chaos and confusion. It was official.

I squeezed my eyes shut. “You must hate me.”

David’s brow wrinkled up. “What? Why?”

“For causing all this trouble.” The urge to flail was huge, but I restrained it. For now. Instead, I got busy wriggling Ben’s shoes off his feet. No way were they making contact with my sheets.

“I’m assuming you didn’t have to hold a gun to Ben’s head to get him to fuck you?” The guy watched me unblinking, face dead serious.

“Um, no.”

David shrugged. “There you go.”

“Isn’t that taking a slightly overly simplistic view of the situation?”

He smiled. “In my experience, shit usually is pretty simple when you get right down to it. When it comes to matters of the heart, you decide where you belong and you go be there. Simple. Ben wanted to be here. Don’t think I didn’t try to talk him out of it, either. The bastard insisted.”

Maybe. “Wonder what his new girlfriend would make of your theory.”

“Yeah.” He winced, his mouth widening in imagined pain. “I’ll leave that one up to you two to sort out. But try not to stress. Can’t be good for Ben junior.”

“Right.” I rolled my eyes and dropped Ben’s shoe on the floor. “But how is this going to affect the band, the two of them fighting?”

It took him a long time to answer. “I honestly don’t know.”

Fuck.

“Night. I’ll lock the door on my way out.” He raised a hand in salute. “Call Ev if you need anything.”

“Thanks, David.”

The front door clicked closed behind him, leaving me alone with Ben. He lay passed out sideways across my queen-size bed. Ben was in my actual bed. Holy hell. I didn’t quite know what to do with that information. A pity there was nothing but boxes and junk in the spare room. Not that I didn’t want him near. My heart wasn’t so sensible. It was just time for me to start taking the safer option when it came to him. Past time even.

“Hey.” I leaned over the mattress, giving his leg a shake. “Roll over.”

A moan.

“Come on, big boy. Move it. You’re taking up all the bed.”

Incoherent muttering.

This was not working, and like hell I’d be sleeping on the love seat. I pulled off a sock and tugged on his big toe. “Ben. Wake up.”

In slow motion, he stirred, lifting his shaggy head and looking around.

“Roll over.”

“Wha—” He turned, easing himself up and over, as requested. He blinked and grimaced and looked generally displeased with the world. A lumpy red line bisected his forehead. Whatever David said, that had to hurt. “Lizzy?”

“Got it in one.”

“How’d I get here?”

“David just dropped you off, remember?”

He scratched at his beard. “Uh. Okay.”

“You need to move, you’re taking up all of the room.”

Bewildered, he rose up on his elbows and took a look around. “This your bed?”

“Yes.”

“Did we…” He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“No, I already learned my lesson, thank you very much.”

“You sure?” He gave me a wonky smile. “It could be fun.”

“Yeah, you look like you’ve had enough fun for the both of us for one night, buddy.”

“Maybe.” He contemplated the thin cotton of my shirt for a good long while, one corner of his mouth moving upward. “Hey, you’re not wearing a bra.”

“Shut up and move, Ben.”

A groan. “All right.”

It took him about forever to wriggle and roll and finally get his big fat head up on the pillow. On my favored side, damn it. Whatever. I lie down on my back beside him, keeping a nice, fun, celibate distance between our two bodies just in case he decided to try and get some. More sleep would be so great. To grow the bean, I really needed rest. My limbs were weighed down with lethargy, my head full of blergh.

“We could cuddle,” he suggested, the words slurred, blurring together into one dumb drunken idea. Man, if he’d been even one inch sober I’d be all over him. A hug right now, letting me know everything would be okay, sounded sublime. A silly, childish wish, I know. Things were complicated enough. “I wouldn’t try nothing, swear.”

“Nice double negative. No, Ben.”

A grunt of dismay.

“Go to sleep.”

The world seemed still, almost perfectly quiet. A car passed by outside and the wind blew around the building. Everyone else would be fast asleep at this hour. I studied the water mark on the ceiling, the shadows cast by the dodgy old lamp on my bedside table. For some reason, being alone with him in the dark seemed too dangerous. The light could stay on.

“I’m gonna be a father,” he said, eyes closed.

My whole body tensed instantly. “So I heard.”

“Wasn’t planning on having kids.”

“You weren’t?”

“No.”

Drunk or not, he sounded so definite, so sure. It was like a dagger to my heart, the pain overwhelming. It hurt to breathe. “Not even when you were a little older?”

A sharp shake of the head in the negative.

Well.

I didn’t know what to say. My throat constricted and my eyes stung. He’d had little more choice in becoming a parent than I had. We were both being thrown into this, and there were plans more than mine being disrupted. Still, he wasn’t the one whose body was being hijacked, for all intents and purposes. Not that I hadn’t had the option to end the pregnancy. I did, but I hadn’t taken it. My heart had made its decision and there was no going back. Still, it was hard not to be all bitter and betrayed over his announcement. I didn’t even have the luxury of being able to get blind rotten drunk. And believe me, dealing with all this sober sucked. My rational mind coughed up so many plausible, reasonable excuses for him—he was surprised, he was drunk, give him a chance to think things over, blah blah blah.

But fuck them all. Fuck him.

I’d kind of already been expecting the worst, to be in this alone. Now I knew. Twice he’d disappointed me; this couldn’t be a surprise. Nothing had changed, not really. I slid a hand over my stomach, spread my fingers over the ever so slight bulge there. It might have just been my imagination, but I could feel her already getting busy in there, growing away. We’d be fine. We’d manage.

“Didn’t want to settle down,” he continued. “And kids, they need stability and shit. Time, energy, all those things.”

“True.” My voice sounded hollow, an emotionless echo.

At least I had the apartment paid up for the foreseeable future. Reece could no doubt use me more in the shop. I was fortunate there. Probably be best if I dropped out of school and started saving. Given how many days I’d been missing due to the puke-o-rama of morning sickness, my grades wouldn’t be rocking this term anyway.

I swallowed hard.

“Like my life the way it is,” he said, voice slurring at the edges.

“Yeah, I did too.” I gave my stomach a pat. “Sorry, Bean.”

“Like my freedom. Being able to jump on a plane and go jam with a friend or play on their album. Things were perfect the way they were.”

“Hmm.”

“Couldn’t stay away from you.”

“Why not?” I asked, honestly curious.

“Don’t know. You just … you stayed on my mind.”

“And other women didn’t?”

“Not like you.”

“No?” Perhaps booze boy was back to wanting sex. Given my heart got stupid the minute he appeared, it was hard to tell.