Deep in the Heart of Me (25 page)

As soon as Ned realizes Sheriff's gun has only one bullet missing he is on me about my weapon.

I haven't thought about it since…well since Jim's dad held it on me.

Did he take it?

"I don't know where it is," I say.

Dad looks about ready to find that gun and shoot me himself.

"I don't," I say because I don't.

"Did Pat do the shooting? You covering for him?" Ned says approaching my cell.

I look over at Sobe. She's standing at the bars of the other cell now. She's waiting to see how I'm going to answer.

"No, Sir, it was me," I say.

"I'll ask again, where's the damn gun?" Ned says.

I whip off my jacket. That pretty well shows me for a fella that isn't hiding a gun in his bloody undershirt. I hold up my hands and turn around.

Ned looks at Sobe. "I don't have it," she declares.

"You think you're real clever, don't you?" Ned says looking from me to her.

"No games here," Dad says.

"Dad…no games," I say wondering if James' dad knows he has it.

"Just a careless boy," Sheriff says. "You know that?"

"Tonio tried to stop him," Sobe yells.

"Stop who?"

"My Dad," Sobe says, though she doesn't seem as strong as before.

Sobe goes back to her cot and plops down. Miss Rivers sits next to Sobe. She pats Sobe's back.

"He knew I was meeting Tonio," Sobe says.

"How?" I say over Ned's next question.

"Explain that," Ned says glaring at me cause I'm not supposed to do his job I guess.

"I planned to meet Tonio tonight so we could…so we could go to the city. St. Louis. Tonio was going to take me there. But when it was almost time for Tonio to pick me up Dad showed up instead. He asked me if I planned to go somewhere and there I was all packed and wearing my good dress. I knew Tonio was going to pull up any minute so I asked him to please let me tell Tonio myself."

"Tell him what?" Ned says.

"That I couldn't go, of course. Dad was…he was so angry. More angry than I'd ever seen him. I begged him not to do anything to Tonio. I said we should leave. I didn't like it here anyway. I begged him to take us somewhere else. Another city. He said he didn't believe me. He…he had his pistol…and for a minute…he held it on me. He said…I was like…I think he thought I was Mom again. He said all women are bad, and I was bad, too, to leave him. He grabbed my hair and held his gun to my head. He…he said I was a…,” more tears. Then she shouts, “I begged him not to…shoot me…I kept saying it's me. It's Sobe. And he pushed me and…I fell, and he said to pack quick.

"We loaded the car and…he went to the station, and I said no, Dad, you said we were going to leave.

"He told me it was my fault. All of it. He knew I'd betray him. He knew it. But…he was smarter. So he made me go inside, and he made me get in this cell, and he locked me in.

"And he was drinking. He'd been…lately. He…had a difficulty…with drink and he'd quit. He'd promised….

"He was waiting for Tonio. I was begging him, pleading with him. I begged him to take us away. He said I wouldn't stay. I'd just…I'd just leave him. He saw that now.

"And Tonio came in, and Dad held his gun on him, and Pat was behind him, and Dad shot Pat right away. Then Tonio drew his gun and…he was going to shoot Tonio.

"Tonio shot Dad in the arm. But Dad wouldn't stop. He rushed at Tonio and grabbed the end of his gun and held it to his forehead. Tonio said no, and they fought so hard…Dad was…vicious and Tonio…they fought…so hard and Tonio got the gun down."

"You saying he held Tonio's gun to his own forehead? Why?" Ned says.

She takes a deep trembling breath. "He…wanted Tonio to shoot him."

"How do you know that?" Ned says.

"I watched him do it. Not just here…but at home. With his own gun. He wanted to die," she says.

"Wait a minute," Ned says. "You saying what?"

"He made Tonio do it," she says. "He made Tonio shoot him."

I fall to my butt on that cot and hold my head. She's right. That's what was different. He wasn't trying to kill me. He was trying to kill himself.

And I was trying to stop him. We were fighting for my gun. That's what it was.

"Then let him out of there," Dad says. "I'm taking him home."

"I can't do that just yet Clannan. I haven't even questioned him," Ned says. "For all I know these two have conspired."

Ned agrees to allow Miss Pat Rivers to take Sobe to her nearby home. The coroner will come to remove the body and Dad has insisted there's no need for Sobe to see that and Miss Rivers agrees, then Ned does.

I do not look at Sobe as she leaves. I can't. I want her taken away from the blood, but I don't want her gone from me. She could have died. He nearly killed her. I could have entered a scene like that. I could have walked into it at their house…Sobe dead.

So none of this is the worst. I was thinking it was, but now I know none of this is as bad as it could have been.

I will not forget about her, not for a minute. We are held together by love and promise and blood now. We are held together by what I know and what I don't. We are held together by Sheriff much as I hate that, but we are not held together by her death or mine.

If Dad wasn't here I might let down some, I might not be able to help it. Especially when the coroner, Mr. Balmer and his son Klaus come for the body. Klaus is older than me, more like Shaun. We've played lots of ball, though. He has a good right arm.

"You do this?" he says to me waving that same good arm at the body.

I don't answer because I pretty much did. I shot first, and whatever Sobe said about it, the law will see that I shot my weapon into a man, a sheriff at that.

When they take the stained blanket from Sheriff, and that middle part lifts heavy from the chest wound, I am slammed again most powerfully. I have killed Sobe's father. Well…I have.

Sheriff is shot twice, once in the arm, which I did to disarm him. Once in the chest which happened when we struggled.

Ned is looking at me like Satan is using my skin to deceive them all.

Dad leans on the desk and wears the same look as when we buried Shaun. He is the one who believes Sobe's take on it. He knows me. Or hopes he does.

Ned has called in two part-time deputies. We know them both. Dad served with one, Albane, years back in The Great War. The other, Dooley, worked once as a hand during harvest. The telephone rings and law from other towns wants to come, and Ned holds them off. He's more of a lawman than I ever knew. He still has that soft look, but he's taken charge tonight.

Dooley has been sent to look through Sheriff's house and to speak to the widow.

Albane is working outside on the door to keep a crowd from forming, and that mostly means the men from the tavern. He sticks his head in and says Joseph is here. Of course, he would be. Dad must go out for this son who worries over his brother. I get out of here I'm going to treat him better.

They are taking Sheriff's body out on a stretcher then, and Joseph must see. His coming means they are worried at home. How much they've heard is a guess, but Mike went for Uncle John and Dad. Dad said Uncle John went on to the hospital in Mauman with Mike. So Mom and Aunt Christah know of the trouble.

Ned calls into Mauman hospital and talks for a few minutes. Dad comes back in just as Ned reports that Pat is stable. I do cry some then, I just do.

I am asked for my side of it, and I tell it this way--we were going to St. Louis. I had promised Sobe. We didn't mean harm.

We were going to take the ferry and see the landing while the farmers came in for market and we wanted to see the riverboats and the zoo. And ride a streetcar and eat in a restaurant.

I figure playing the dumb youngster is pretty much what they expect.

My dad is looking more and more tired as I speak. "Where'd you get the money?" Dad says.

Now Ned didn't want Dad putting in his two cents, he made it clear. But he seems to agree with Dad that it's a good question.

My jacket lies on the floor where I'd flung it when showing I didn't have my pistol.

I have already surrendered my pocket knife, but the money is still on me.

"I saved some money," I say.

"You didn't rob the Sheriff?" Ned says.

"No," I say, then, "Sir. I earned it." Well, I did earn it.

Dad is looking at me. I am so tired I sit on the cot. Lies make things smoother, but there is a heaviness about them none-the-less.

"Give it to me," Dad says approaching the bars.

I stand easy, but I don't feel easy. I reach in and grab a bill. It's a twenty. I can see his surprise. He knows I didn't have this much. Two ones, yes, but not a twenty dollar bill.

He puts this in his pocket, and the way he looks at me he knows I'm lying now and all the sympathy Sobe's story inspired is back on the table and anyone's guess.

"What happened next?" Ned says.

"I went to get Sobe. Pat drove me."

Dad scoffs and stares at the floor, arms folded over his chest.

Ned shoots Dad a look. "Went where? The moon?"

"I went to Sobe's house."

"What time?"

I tell him that, and I'm on time too. "But Sobe isn't there," I say. "No one is."

"That when you stole the money? From Sheriff's house?" Ned says.

Dad is looking at me.

"I told you…I earned it."

I tell him about going to the widows.

"Is that where you got the money?" Ned says.

"No," I say like I'm the apostle Peter denying Jesus. "I guess I was raised better than that!" I say, but Dad is looking at me like he doesn't know where I was raised.

Anyway, I'm glad I can deny being a bandit. For now.

"So Sobe wasn't around, and you got mad and came over here and killed the sheriff." Ned gestures to the bloody discarded blanket on the floor.

"No. All I did was ask Missus Olmstead if she'd seen Sobe and she's the one said her and Sheriff left in a hurry. You can ask her," I say.

"Where's the gun, kid?"

"I don't know where the gun is," I say.

"You telling me it walked out of here?" he says.

That's exactly what happened. "No, Sir. I'm saying I don't know what happened to it."

"What gun?" Dad says. "Pat bring a gun? Did you have your rifle?"

My mind is racing. "No, Sir. I…had a pistol."

"Is it yours?" Dad says.

"Well…yes. I…bought it," I say. It is cold in my undershirt, but I am sweating.

"From Mike?" Dad says.

"No. From a kid," I say.

"What kid is this? A Smith?" Dad keeps going.

"Just a kid, Dad. It doesn't matter anyway," I say too loudly. I stand again, go to the bars. "It doesn't matter what it was, where I got it, who it belonged to. Sheriff held his gun on me, and he thought about killing me. And I knew that you always know that, you can see it and feel it." I think of Big Belly then. "He shot Pat, and I shot him in the arm because I worried if he killed me he'd kill Sobe too. And he charged me and pulled the barrel of that pistol and held it against his forehead, Dad. And I could barely get him to lower it. He was strong and crazy. He was kicking the shit out of me."

I undo my pants and let them fall to the floor to show my bruised legs. They are a sight. With my pants around my boots, I say, "I got that gun around his chest, and it went off, that's all I know. Him or me, I don't know, but I never meant to kill him. He was trying to kill himself."

Dad has moved to the door of my cell.

"Open this!" he says to Ned, and Ned, muttering, complies. Dad comes into my cell and bends for my pants and like I'm two years old again he pulls them up on me and fastens them, even my belt.

He steps back, and there on the floor is the rest of my fifty dollars.

Well shit.

"It's my savings," I say to Dad.

I earned it all right. I'm still earning it--right now as I keep my mouth shut about Smiths robbing Shaun, and Shaun blowing up the outhouse, then getting shot for it.

Smith doesn't want the trouble. He didn't want Sheriff looking too closely at the game he runs even if Prohibition is lifted.

Gambling for money is not.

Shaun said our old sheriff always got a cut. "That's the way the world works, boyo," he'd say.

But this new sheriff, Shaun didn't know about him. Does that make Ned in on it too?

I'd tell them the truth, but it all points back to the Smiths, and that's when they'll point back at me, and I'm trying to be the stupid youngster, not a thieving, shooting delinquent who tussled with another crazy man who tried to kill him…and that I took his gun…and shot out the windows on his automobile…while he was driving. Yep, I don't think that story will serve me here when it comes to being above reproach.

So the money is on the floor, and I think of that scripture about a person's sins being found out, being shouted from the rooftops. I think of that in seconds.

Ned's boots crunch grit as he gets next to Dad and they look at that money like I just dropped an egg.

Ned says, "You find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?"

"I wanted to show Sobe a good time," I say.

Dad is staring at me.

"Shaun," I say. "It was his. He…was afraid he'd lose it after the robbery so I kept it for him."

The way Dad is looking at me now, he knows. He knows his son is a liar and probably a killer too.

Our minister comes in then. Like God sent him. He wants to pray with me. It's like I'm waiting for the gallows.

He's trying to comfort Dad, but Dad barely takes his eyes off me. Giving me a hiding about now might comfort him, but I doubt prayer will do it.

Ned takes a seat at the desk, the same place Sheriff had been when I came in here earlier. The blood is still there, and the blanket. I swear I can smell that mess.

Preacher says, "Remember the thief on the cross. He had done terrible things, but Jesus forgave him. You may have to die for what you've done here, but God won't hold it against you if you confess the name of Jesus."

"Dad," I say, like he holds the gavel, "I didn't…."

Dad takes Preacher aside, and they speak in low tones.

The preacher comes back. "Let's pray." He prays then, in his loud nasally tone, that God's will be done and that I repent of being a sinner. I guess he forgets that time he dunked me in that muddy pond one July. But I pray right along and lo and behold, I am feeling sorry. Mostly about the money and the look on Dad's face. He might as well call me a thief, like the one on the cross.

I get out of here, I'll be a better son. I promise God right there. Just get me out.

"I didn't want to kill him," I say to the preacher. "I mean…it was an accident."

"Shaun or the Sheriff?" Preacher says.

Well, I don't know how to answer that.

"I didn't shoot Shaun," I say. They can't pin that on me.

"Oh," he says. "Folks around here say you did. I'm sorry."

"It's…all right," I say.

"Well…be brave," he says. "Remember Joseph did very well in prison. And Paul wrote the book of joy there."

I have no idea how that helps me.

"Thank you," I say.

When Preacher leaves, I am done in. I plop onto the cot. "I didn't shoot Shaun," I say to Ned.

"Let's talk about the money," Ned says. "Where in the world does a boy like you get that kind of money?"

"It was Shaun's," I repeat.

"And you're saying he gave it to you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe you saw that money, and you wanted it so you could run off with Sobe?" Ned says.

I stand again. I'm to the bars.

"Awfully full of yourself in front of that girl," Ned says. I think he's talking about before when I got put in the other cell for the fight with Tillo and Utz. I wasn't showing off too much in here, was I?

"No, Sir…."

"Maybe that Preacher is right. You wanted that money to impress that girl so you killed Shaun and took it."

"I didn't," I yell.

"Hold on," Dad says. "You can't accuse him of killing a man. Shaun was gambling. He was in trouble with some bad people. My son had nothing to do with that. You and the sheriff never did get to the bottom of it, but don't you think for a minute you're going to pin every goldurn thing on this boy of mine. I'll get the best lawyers a wealthy man can afford to rip this county in two like it's a feather pillow if you don't pull back on these charges and let him the hell out of here right now.

"We both know what happened here. It's been told plain. He was up to some hare-brained scheme like many a stupid young person before him, and it went badly because he didn't figure in a mad man. I believe what Sobe said. She knew the sheriff better than anyone. He used my son for his own end and now you're trying to use him to dump a killing on you're too…we know you don't touch that nest."

Dad said something there. Ned's face gets a deep ruddy color.

"Pat was shot first. He's going to back up Sobe's story and then you'll be left hanging in the wind, and my son will be seen as the hero he is. Let him out."

Ned needs a few seconds to let Dad's words sink in. Well, I do too. Hero?

"I…I can't do that Clannan. I got a dead lawman and your son pulled the trigger!"

"Who can lay blame on him when Pat was shot for walking in a door? I taught him to defend himself. You've got a dead lawman the world is well rid of, and I've got a brother who will want some kind of justice for a son nearly killed by a maniac."

Dad scoops up the money and my jacket. "You know where he'll be. He's not going anywhere."

Ned is staring at Dad.

"I'm not letting him up here to get 'accidentally shot.' You already have one killer running loose. He's not another, and I won't take chances with him. He's my son."

"He'll have to go before the judge," Ned says.

"You tell us when and where. He'll be there," Dad says. "But you've no cause to arrest him, and you can't just hold him."

"I can do whatever I want," Ned says adjusting his holster.

"Let my boy out," Dad says.

It's Moses and Pharaoh. And me—well I'm the Israelites.

I've got my fingers crossed deep in my pockets.

"What about Sobe?" I say because I'd rather stay here, across from her than be home where I can't see her fate. I've been trying to get her on that farm one way or another from the first. "She needs to go with us."

Ned glares at me, but so does Dad. Here he is fighting for me, and I add more. But Sobe isn't someone I'm likely to forget.

"She's got no reason to be locked up," Ned says, "but you can forget taking her home like the little heifer you just bought at the sale."

"I ain't leaving without Sobe," I say grabbing onto the bars.

"She is staying with Miss Rivers," Ned says. "You are to have no contact with her until this matter gets settled. Hear me? I get wind you reach out to her, and I will haul your ass back in here so fast. That matter goes, don't you step a toe off that farm."

"Say yes," Dad orders. "Tonio!"

"Does she want to stay with Miss Rivers?" I ask.

"That's not your look out," Ned says.

"Tonio!" Dad says again.

"Does she want to?" I repeat.

"She is with the woman right now," Ned yells.

Dad bundles my jacket in one hand and grabs me with his other. We go out then, and Ned tells the deputy, and it is dark and a moon up there and the air cold and clear and next I know I'm in the truck for home without my darling girl.