Deep Surrendering (Episode Three) (6 page)

I stayed in the shower for a long time, but the hot water didn’t run out. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to be late for class, and I didn’t want that. So I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself.

My clothes were folded on top of one of the sinks, along with my hairbrush, my toothbrush, and all the other things I’d packed to get ready for the day.

Looking around the cabinets, I found a hairdryer and plugged it in, concentrating on getting my hair dry, one bit at a time.

Once that was done, I got dressed and did my makeup. At last I didn’t have anything else to do in the bathroom, so I had to leave. I opened the door that led to Fin’s bedroom slowly, but I didn’t need to worry. The room was empty.

In fact, there was no evidence of Fin at all. No clothes on the floor, or towel, or Fin himself. The bed was even made.

I left the bedroom and wandered through the rest of his apartment, all the time knowing where he’d be.

“What are you reading?” I asked, leaning against the back of the couch and peering down at him. He lay back on the couch so if I hadn’t looked over the edge, I wouldn’t have seen him.

He held up the book so I could read the title.

“Lord of the Rings?”

He nodded. “I’ve seen the movies. But I never read the books.”

He put a bookmark between the pages and closed the book. He was fully-clothed again, and it was much easier to talk to him now.

“So. You took your clothes off,” I said.

“I did.”

“That was a first.”

His lips formed a thin line and he nodded.

“Were you scared?”

He bobbed his head once.

“Yes.”

I walked around the couch and motioned for him to move his feet so I could sit down. I was definitely going to be late now, but this was more important at the moment.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t look. I was too pissed at you in the moment, and I knew if I looked down I’d lose my anger and let you fuck me again. And again.” All day. I would have let him fuck me all day in that shower until we’d used all the water in Boston.

“You didn’t look?” He seemed surprised.

“No, I didn’t. I was also afraid you’d spank me for looking. Not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed that.” In the moment, a little spanking never hurt anyone.

He peered at me through his eyelashes. “You enjoy it?”

This time I nodded, my face flaming.

“I told you, I don’t do anything with you that I don’t want to. Except for that one time when you screwed me without protection. I didn’t like that so much.” Fortunately, I was on the pill and recently had a pap smear and everything was clean.

“I’m very sorry about that. I should have asked you, and I should have known that it wouldn’t be okay. I don’t know what came over me.” He set his book aside and crossed his arms over his chest. His hair was still damp and curled on his forehead.

“Oh, I’ll tell you what came over me. The same thing that didn’t throw you out of the shower when you came up behind me. Lust. You want me, I want you. It’s an age-old cycle and we’re not the first people to go through it.” And we wouldn’t be the last.

“I do want you. So much that I want to bend you over the couch again. And then push you up against the bookshelves. And then take you on the floor. Maybe in the kitchen. I want to fuck you on every surface of this apartment, and it’s a very large apartment. But I don’t just want to fuck you. I want to…” He seemed at a loss for words.

“I want you to call my name when you come. I want to see the look in your eyes when I give you pleasure. I want to lay with you afterwards and talk. I want to open you up and crawl inside you and live in you skin. I want to be a part of you.”

Now I was at a loss for words.

“But I also want to tie you up. And hear you beg me to take you. And do a lot of things that I don’t want to tell you about. I want to own you.”

My skin flashed hot and cold and back again. I wanted those things. All of them. He wouldn’t tell me what else he wanted to do with me, but I didn’t care. I wanted it. Wanted him. All of him.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t give you a secret before I took you in the shower, so this is it. My secret is that I want everything with you. Fucking and making love.”

I’d always hated the term “making love.” It seemed like the kind of thing that belonged in cheesy movies and not in real life.

But when he said it? Yeah, I was okay with that. More than okay.

“I really need to get to class,” I said. “I’m sorry. That’s a weird note to end on. I wish I could stay and we could talk longer. And don’t you have to get to work?”

He got up and set his book back on the top of the pile, which had shrunk since last night.

“I called and cancelled my meeting this morning, so I don’t have to go in for a few hours. Carl can drive you, if you’d like.”

That would save me having to pay for a cab and walk to campus. Maybe I could even convince him to stop somewhere so I could get breakfast.

“If it’s not too much trouble, that would be great. Thank you.” I got up and we stood with about a foot of space between us. He had the look of someone who really wanted to say something but didn’t know if he should or not.

“I’ll miss you. And are we on for tonight? Shit, I can’t tonight. I have a candle party I have to host. But I can probably get out of there around eight?” Curse that candle party. I had been looking forward to it, but now I wasn’t. Still, I needed the money.

“That’s fine. We should probably have a break from each other. Maybe learn some self-control. Me, not you,” he said. A shadow of a smile drifted across his face and I stepped closer, drawing my hands up and putting them around his neck.

“Hey,” I said. He’d retreated again. His mind must be an interesting place. I pictured it a bit like the enchanted forest, filled with beautiful and dark things you’d never seen before. And if you weren’t careful, you’d get lost and never find yourself again.

“I’m so sorry, Marisol. I’ve treated you badly and I wish I could reverse time and make some different decisions. I seem to make the wrong ones when I’m with you.” There was a smile.

“Well, I haven’t made the best ones with you, either. And if I don’t leave right now, I’m going to make another bad one and skip all my classes, which would be a terrible idea since I skipped last week.” I raised myself on my toes and he leaned down and met my lips in the middle for a quick kiss. It was sweet and over too soon.

“Go,” he said. “I’ll be waiting for you and thinking of you.”

“Me too. Oh, and thank you for last night. It was perfect.” He took my hand and walked me to the door and then down to the front of the building, where Carl waited, standing next to the car, as if his only goal in life was to drive me to class.

“See you later?” he said, squeezing my hand and kissing the top of my head.

“See you later,” I agreed, and gave him another kiss before turning and getting into the car as Carl held the door open for me.

I’d thought a mental break from being with Fin would be good. When I was with him, it was hard to think straight and see things with any rationality.

In FinLand, common sense took a backseat to lust. Not the best environment for thinking.

I threw my mind into my classes, but little things kept reminding me of him. A book, or the color of someone’s shirt, or anybody with shaggy dark hair. A million little things made me think of him. Or I’d see something funny, something silly that only he would find amusing, or odd, or interesting.

Trying my best to shut him out, I focused on one task at a time, but the day crawled by. My reprieve came at noon when I had lunch with Chloe.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ten years, and I know it hasn’t been that long. But it feels that long.” She took a bite of her Reuben sandwich and chewed.

“It really hasn’t been that long. I guess I’ve just been distracted.”

“By peen. You’ve been distracted by peen. I get it, I get it. Actually, I don’t get it, but I do. You know?”

I took a bite of my meatball sub and gave her a look. She wasn’t making any sense, but I knew exactly what she was saying. That was the power of friendship.

“He’s so complicated and frustrating, and the second I think I’ve figured him out he does something completely…” I was at a loss for words again.

“Well, you have only known him for a few weeks. If he ran out of ways to surprise you now, it would be a pretty dull relationship, right?”

She had a point. If Fin was predictable, I don’t know if I would be as willing to keep seeing him.

“But I hate surprises,” I said.

“No, you say you hate them. But really, you love them. The thrill of the unknown. It’s why people watch scary movies and have sex with strangers. You never know what you’re going to get.”

I didn’t know about the sex with strangers part, but I understood the scary movie bit. Well, not really. I hated scary movies, just like I hated surprises.

“No, I really do hate them,” I said.

Chloe just kept arguing with me and finally I decided to change the subject.

“Okay, enough about me and surprises. What’s new with you? How’s work?”

“Fuck work. I hate work.” You’d think being the manager of a spa would be relaxing, but she was constantly stressed. Usually it was due to her employees having conflicts or stealing clients from one another. Chloe had more drama to deal with than a high school principal.

I listened as she described the latest debacle involving two of the massage therapists and their battle over tips.

“I swear, every six months there is this debate about pooling tips and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t deal with this shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but they drive me fucking crazy.” I laughed and finished my sandwich.

“Well, now I’m pissed off about work. Thanks for that,” she said as I fought her for who would pay the bill. She won this time.

“Well, I guess I’m a crappy friend, then. Will you still help me tonight?” I asked.

“Yes. Because I’m a good friend. Your place at five-thirty?”

I gave her a hug before we parted ways, me back to class and her back to the spa.

“Thank you, Chlo.”

“Anytime, Mari. Call if you need anything.”

I should have chosen something lighter to sell than candles. They were a bitch to pack up and carry and unload. Fortunately, I didn’t have to carry all the scents around with me, since I had a little box of sample scents.

Chloe arrived just as I was looking for some more order forms.

“I’m sorry, I’m not normally this disorganized, but I’ve been a little distracted lately and…”

My searching for the order forms was interrupted when someone stepped out from behind Chloe, holding a fresh bouquet of lilacs.

“What are you doing here?” The papers I held in my hand scattered to the floor.

“Can I tell her?” Chloe said, turning to ask Fin.

“Sure, go ahead. It was your idea.” What was her idea?

“You are a lucky woman, Marisol Everly, because tonight your best friend is going to do you a solid and sell your damn candles so that you can hang out with your boyfriend. I know, I know, I’m a saint.”

I stood there for a few seconds, completely shocked. Then my next instinct was to throw my arms around her neck. In order to accomplish this, I had to jump because Chloe was so much taller.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” I said, squeezing my arms around her neck.

“I know you do. Everyone does. Oh, calm down,” she said as Fin coughed loudly behind her. “If I was going to take her, I would have done it already. She won’t play for my team, which is a damn shame. A damn shame.”

“Thank you so much, Chlo,” I said in her ear before I let go of her. She wouldn’t look at me and her face was turning the color of her hair. Vibrant red. Chloe might be confident, but she didn’t take sincere compliments well.

“Go on, get out of here, you crazy kids. I’ve got this. I’m going to sell the shit out of these things. No one will get out of the party without buying something. I’ve got this.” She picked up the plastic bin I used to carry my samples in, along with my bag of order forms and miscellany, and smiled.

“Really, thank you, Chloe. You’re a good friend. Marisol is lucky to have you.” Her only response was to go red in the face and scurry away (or at least try to) before we could embarrass her further.

“I can’t believe this. I was all set to sell our new scent of the month and now I get to see you.”

Fin produced another vase, which was a darker purple than the first, but obviously part of a set.

“What is the scent of the month? You could still try and sell it to me if you want,” he said, filling the vase with water and setting it next to the other one. He had on a pair of dark jeans, his worn boots, and a plain blue T-shirt that nearly matched his eyes. Stunning. He was stunning. Always.

“It’s called Summer Cottage, and it’s a mix of what’s supposed to smell like the ocean, laundry detergent, and pine. It’s not that great, actually.” But I hoped Chloe could sell it better than I was right now.

“So that’s your sales pitch?” He leaned back against the counter and I walked over and joined him.

“No, that’s not my sales pitch. I’d do a much better pitch, but I don’t have all my stuff with me, and I’d rather get going on our date than talk about candles. Unless candles somehow have something to do with our date.”

“Candles might have something to do with our date. Or they might not. I didn’t have a lot of time to prepare.”

I looked up at him. “I’m not buying that sales pitch from the guy who had a projector screen and trays so we could eat dinner in bed.” Didn’t buy it for a second.

“Ah, you got me. I do have a plan. You ready to go?” I wasn’t really wearing date-night attire, but I didn’t feel like going through the process of picking a new outfit when I could be spending time with him doing whatever we were going to be doing.

“I am, unless my attire isn’t appropriate for wherever we’re going.” I was also fishing to see where he was taking me.

He looked me up and down, as if he hadn’t noticed what I was wearing when he walked in. I tried to look professional when I did my candle parties, like a woman who knew her shit when it came to candles, so I had one of my black pencil skirts on and a burgundy button-up shirt with a ruffle in the front, and nude pumps.

“I’m not sure. I think I need to see the back to be absolutely positive.” With deliberate slowness, I turned myself around and looked over my shoulder at him.

“What do you think?” I wiggled my hips a little and considered hiking my skirt up a bit. Currently, it fell just past my knees.

“Hm, I don’t know. Can I see it from the front again?” I spun back around and gave him a little shimmy with my shoulders this time. His eyes widened noticeably.

“No, you should definitely change. Get that off as soon as possible.” I knew what taking my clothes off would lead to. But he was giving me the choice.

“Okay, I’ll change. But what should I put on?” I backed toward my bedroom and he let me go.

“Something you can dance in.”