Delayed Penalty (18 page)

Tears streamed down her face, but she didn't seem upset. Instead, she leaned over and kissed me on the lips once and then curled into my side.

Touching the side of her face, my thumbs brushed her tears aside. "I can't stop thinking about you. I don't want to, but the thoughts are there…and I want them to be there. I know that you don't need someone like me falling for you. Christ, I'm supposed to tell you that we shouldn't be doing any of this, be like this, but I can't. I can't do it."

Ami smiled, her tears gone. "You sound like a girl right now."

"Shut up and get over here." I couldn't hide it anymore, and I didn't want to. I really liked Ami. She was feisty, loving, carefree, and she was exactly what someone like me needed.

My breath became shallow as the desire got stronger. I wanted her hands on me. I wanted to give her the weight of my body and feel her beneath me. I wanted her lips on me again.

Fuck
.

Ami wasn't doing any better, her breathing harsher, heavier, and damn near panting.

She stared up at me for a moment, and I couldn't stop myself and pressed my lips to hers again. Reaching my other hand around to the side of her face, I gently secured her lips to mine.

She must have heard me groan when her hands found my hair, and then she rolled slightly onto her back bringing me with her between her legs. Then, just as I had imagined time and time again in my dreams, my body pressed into her, and fuck if it wasn't everything I had been imagining.

My hands started shaking at what this meant, and I saw her in the snow again, limp, blood covering her body.
Goddamn it! Not again.

Not wanting to move, in fear I would scare her, I propped myself up on one arm, still kissing her, trying to push those thoughts away. Maybe sensing my sudden change, she grasped the back of my shoulder, attempting to tug me down on top of her, slightly succeeding. Ami was tiny; I wouldn't give her all my weight. I lowered her back until she was lying flat, but still hovered over her, dipping down to find the skin on her neck.

It wasn't enough.

She tugged more, raising her legs up and around my waist. I felt her heart over my own as she covered me with her mouth. Every part of me was hard, and every part of me throbbed to the beat of her innocent heart.

"Fuck…" I groaned, and she knew exactly what she'd done and giggled, dropping her head back against the pillow.

"Can all hockey players kiss like you do?" she asked, her grin displayed in her tone.

I smiled around her lips, not wanting to pull away. "I don't usually go around kissing hockey players so I wouldn't know."

"I should ask Leo," Ami teased, threading her fingers in my hair and giving me a squeeze. "He'd know."

"Don't you dare," I growled, lowering my lips to hers again. Resuming our kisses, her fingers tugging at my hair, I lost myself. I was so fucking worked up I had to keep reminding myself I couldn't have sex with her.

No. I couldn't have sex with her. She wasn't ready for that. Eventually, we stopped kissing when I felt like it had gone too far. It took everything I had to keep from having sex with her.

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember when you walked into the hospital that day and I was awake?" Ami looked over at me, her hands tucked under the pillow, her cheek pressed into the pillow staring at me. I nodded so she continued, "I was so happy to see you, and then I thought I shouldn't be this happy. After everything I went through, it's wrong to be happy, right?" I was about to respond, but she kept talking. "Then you spoke and I knew that it was okay to feel that because you were the one I had been dreaming about. It was you."

I gave her another kiss on the forehead and said nothing else. I guess I just thought if I said something, I would either say the wrong thing by accident or ruin her moment of clarity, so I kept quiet.

I found it amazing that Ami could talk so openly about what happened to her and be like this—sexual—even after what happened. It all just reminded me that she really didn't need to me to protect her. She just needed me.

Ami looked over at me one last time, and I never wanted to forget that look. It was relief that she finally had someone that was fighting for her.

I would like to say that look was all I saw but at night, when she would sleep, I saw the fear, the sadness, and the hurt. I saw it in the cold sweats, the sobbing as I held her in my arms, and her inability to sleep soundly. She remembered more than she wanted anyone to know.

Chirp – To talk trash to another player.

Leo and I met in the lobby. I had just left Ami in my condo for morning practice before the game. His first question: "Did you fuck her?"

"Shut up, man," I said, staring at the numbers on the elevator as we passed by each floor. "Stop being so nasty."

"Being nasty would be me saying I bagged Granny B last night," he informed me. "That would be nasty. Now..." His expression took on a contemplative side he didn't have. "...you fucking a girl you've been hung up on for months, there's nothing wrong with that."

"Leo..." my voice rose slightly, letting him know I'd had enough, "...she was raped. Do you honestly think me fucking her is a good idea?"

Leo shrugged. "I never said it was a good idea. I was just looking for details had you fucked her."

"Fuck off."

If you hadn't noticed, a hockey player's favorite word was fuck. It was said so often on the ice and off that none of us could have a conversation without sneaking it in there more than necessary.

"Dude..." Leo looked back at a girl that passed by us. She glared at him. "What the fuck is with that chick? She always gives me this look over her glasses that blatantly gives her aversion to the fact that I'm even allowed in the building."

Leo thought that everyone liked him. Most did, but there were a few girls that had slept with him and formed some sort of posse. It happened to Remy, too. They liked to tell people they were nice guys.

And they were...if you only knew them for ten minutes and hadn't slept with either of them. That girl, the one that was judging him, she knew exactly how
nice
of a guy Leo was.

"She's that girl you let blow you in the elevator a few months back."

"What's her name?"

"Ask your dick." I shrugged. "Maybe he knows."

"I never called her again, did I?"

"I'm sure that glare gives the answer to that question."

"Well shit," he said, scratching his mop of curls. "An attitude like that I'm glad I didn't call her."

When we got inside Leo's car, I looked over at him. He groaned. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm a douche for not calling that chick."

I laughed. "It's not a look man. It's a realization."

Game 64 – Vancouver Canucks

Friday, March 5, 2010

Danny Kolten, a defenseman for the Vancouver Canucks, was instigating me all game. Every play he was in my face and taking cheap shots on Leo and Remy. I let it go and waived him off when he got in my face at the crease. I wasn't in the mood for his shit tonight. I was trying to play clean and not scare the shit out of Ami.

When the whistle blew, we were at another face off in the Canucks zone.

"New puck bunny, Mase?" Danny circled, pushing against my shoulders, his breath blew out as steam.

"Fuck you." I didn't know where he came up with this shit, but Danny was always laying it on thick. The fact that he was doing it tonight of all nights had me seeing red.

"Ah come on. Dish a little…" He nudged me with his stick as we waited on the line. My eyes caught Ami's as she watched nervously beside Callie. I could easily see the apprehension and concern through the smile.

I winked with a quick nod, trying to reassure her everything was fine. I didn't want to scare her, but I also wouldn't stand for anyone talking like that about her—not after what she went through.

"Is she even legal? She looks young." I knew he was eyeing her, probably imagining the same shit I was earlier and wondering what was under those tight jeans she had on. Danny and I were both hockey players. I knew where his mind was.

"I said leave it alone." I shoved against him once, when I really wanted to knock his teeth out for what my brain told me he was thinking.

Danny didn't let it go and prodded me with his stick again, hooking it around my skate. He did it on purpose knowing if I moved, I'd be rewarded with a face full of ice.

"I'll take that as a yes." Danny laughed with a cocky nod, squaring up. "I bet she's good."

I didn't give him a warning, and I didn't say let's go. I just started hitting him. I was sick of this shit where these guys thought it was okay to treat girls like that. They didn't see the side I saw, the side that stayed with her through the fear, the sadness of what happened to her, and the hurt. I was the one who saw that. Me, I was there through the cold sweats and sleeping with the lights on while checking deadbolts ten times a night. And now, when guys like Danny wanted to get personal on the ice that was when I got protective. It didn't matter that I wasn't dating her and had no claim on her. My heart told me otherwise.

Once I dropped my gloves, Danny didn't stand a chance, but he knew that. He was only drawing me in for the power play.

And sure enough, they scored on the power play as I hung out in the penalty box. Coach wasn't happy, he benched me the rest of the game, but I knew he wouldn't be when I dropped my gloves. Danny was a player he specifically told me to stay away from tonight.

The problem was a girl was inside my head, and everyone around me was using it to their advantage.

I couldn't deny it. Something about Ami took a big piece of my heart that night in the hospital, and I would stand up for her no matter what, even if it that meant I was sacrificing a game. I wasn't going to stand for this shit anymore.

As a defenseman, it was my job to protect guys like Leo and Remy. It wasn't hard, and if anything, I lived for this.

People asked me all the time why we fought so much in hockey, and they went on to say what a violent sport it is.

Well, clearly those people were watching tennis and had never been to an MMA fight. Regardless, my standard answer was, "Does it make me less of an athlete for protecting players and controlling a game where others are held accountable for their actions?"

They usually shut up after that. I had a job to do. Now that job included a girl, one that I would lay just about anyone out for.

I never worried about what others thought of me. Neither did my dad. He didn't give a hoot about what anyone thought. He was who he was. I liked to think I was a lot like that, too.

Assist – An assist is given to the player who helped set up the scoring goal. It's given to the player who handled the puck preceding the goal.

Evan kept his promise to take me to a live game. It came on Friday night when they played the Vancouver Canucks at the United Center.

Having only been in town since late November, I had never ventured to this part of town and had no idea where the United Center even was.

Glancing around the city, I realized how beautiful it could be. My visions of the city had been tarnished a little, given what happened to me, but I was determined to overcome that and realized it could have happened anywhere.

Downtown Chicago consisted of mostly high rise buildings. It offered a lively uptown scene you didn't see in Oregon. When I first moved here, I was so into dancing and trying to get over the death of my family, I never took a look around the city, other than the few restaurants near Blake's place at Regents Park in the Indian Village.

The thought of Blake made me sick to my stomach. I knew from Evan that Detective Paulsen had questioned him and nothing came from the lead, but the thoughts were still there that he could have been the guy. Watching all those detective shows at Evan's parents' house did not help my paranoid side.

Those thoughts were pushed away when Evan pulled into the parking lot, and a girl was waiting for him. It was Callie, I assumed.