Deliriously Happy (23 page)

Some of Hollywood's top action filmmakers—men behind such octane-fueled thrillers as “Die Hard” and “Delta Force One”—are helping the U.S. Army dream up possible terrorist threats America might face in the future and how to handle them.

The counter-terrorism brainstorming sessions are the latest focus of the Institute for Creative Technologies, formed in 1999 at the University of Southern California to develop advanced training programs for the Army, institute officials said Tuesday.

“The group looking at counter-terrorism is really an extension of the kind of efforts we've been doing for about two years,” one institute official said. “The benefit of the entertainment group is that they think more creatively. They think outside the box.”

—
Variety

Brig. Gen. Alan Spangler presided. In attendance from the entertainment community were: Sandy Duckler, film producer (
Thrill Kill, The Last Jihad, The Fragging of Lieutenant Chapman, Where's the President?
); Hanna Amann, screenwriter (
Executive Privilege, Diplomatic Immunity, Breach of Protocol
); Joshua Patrick Stern, screenwriter (
My First Girl, Dennis the Menace IV: The Pubescence, Carnispore
); McBoog, commercial, music video, and film director (
Monkey Fist, Iron Toes, The Razor's Kiss
); Capri Sunset, television writer-producer (
Mutanauts, X-Mammals, Junior Mutanauts
). Sitting in the back were Mr. Turner and Mr. Cooper, button salesmen from Langley and Quantico, Va., respectively.

Gen. Spangler welcomed the participants and complimented them on their patriotism. He said this initial meeting was to be a “bull” or “brainstorming” session, that there were no right or wrong scenarios, and that everyone should feel free to pitch their edgiest stuff. Mr. Duckler asked, “Who do I have to [orally copulate with] to get a latte around here?”

After coffee was delivered, Gen. Spangler again solicited terrorist scenarios.

“What if,” Mr. Stern began, “the bad guys got a hold of a small device, fits in the palm of your hand, which can knock out everything electronic—cars, planes, kidney machines—within a mile radius?”

“An electromagnetic pulse device?” Gen. Spangler asked.

“Right,” Mr. Stern said. “I couldn't think of the name.”

“Need to raise the stakes,” Mr. Duckler said. “Make it a hundred miles.”

“A mile is plenty,” Gen. Spangler said. “And how would you power such a device?”

“I was thinking, some kind of ancient sacred ruby,” Mr. Stern said.

“We did that on
Mutanauts
,” Ms. Sunset said.

“I don't watch
Mutanauts
,” Mr. Stern said. “I've never watched the show.”

Gen. Spangler asked the participants to please move on.

“Just blue-skying.” Ms. Amann suggested a scenario in which a “Black Muslim, angry but not unrelatable, meets a mysterious Arabic woman at an Islamic social function.”

“Will Smith and Eva Mendes,” Mr. Duckler suggested. Mr. Stern pointed out that Ms. Mendes is Cuban. Mr. Duckler felt that it was racist to think Ms. Mendes could not play other minorities. “Do they have to be Muslim?” wondered Mr. Stern. “That feels played out to me.” Mr. Duckler thought that perhaps Ms. Mendes could play a radical lesbian separatist. That's what ruined Mr. Duckler's remake of
Casablanca
, Mr. Stern opined. Mr. Duckler then assessed Mr. Stern's professional credentials in disparaging and profane terms. Mr. Stern stood, and appeared to be about to climb across the conference table when he was subdued by two MPs and escorted from the room.

Gen. Spangler asked Ms. Amann to please continue with her scenario.

Mr. Smith's character falls hard for Ms. Mendes's, Ms. Amann explained, but then he begins to suspect she is a member of a rogue sect bent on bringing down the entire U.S. government.

“On Valentine's Day,” Ms. Sunset proposed.

“Puts a clock on it
and
gives it heart,” agreed Mr. Duckler. “
Sleepless in Seattle
meets
Jagged Edge
or
Basic Instinct
, or
Sliver
or
Jade
. I can deliver Eszterhas.”

“He's dead,” said Ms. Amann.

“He was a dear friend,” said Mr. Duckler.

“Anyway,” Ms. Amann continued, Mr. Smith's character “must decide whether his love for this one-woman harem [Ms. Mendes] and his hatred of institutional racism ultimately outweigh his patriotism for the land of his birth.”

“Maybe his father died fighting for his country,” Gen. Spangler suggested.

“Maybe,” Ms. Amann responded.

“I like it,” Gen. Spangler said. “But what exactly is the Valentine's Day plot that Will Smith has to thwart?”

“They usually bring in the Wibberleys for that,” Ms. Amann responded. “I do the relationship [material].”

Gen. Spangler rebriefed the group on the purpose of the session, requesting that they leave aside for the moment who might be behind such actions and focus on the mechanics of the actions themselves. “Everything follows from character,” Ms. Amann responded. “You're going to end up with a Michael Bay movie.”

“I'm not good at pitching,” Ms. Sunset apologized, “but, anyhoo, just, well, here I go, my idea: Evil genius, Muhammad Allah Ding-Dong, Fu Manchu, whoever, is releasing these videotapes, which of course CNN, MSNBC, everybody is airing ad nauseam, right? Turns out he's
hypnotizing
everybody, so it's the first game of the World Series, we're all singing ‘Star-Spangled Banner'—
and the home of the braaaave
… That's the trigger: Suddenly everybody wants to kill the president of the United States. Two hundred million people, Congress, even the Secret Service…”

“
Except
,” Gen. Spangler interjected. “Except the one agent who's
too stupid
to be hypnotized.”

“Steve Carell!” Mr. Duckler suggested. Ms. Amann cited a recent
Entertainment Weekly
interview in which Mr. Carell stated his desire to leave “dumb guy” roles behind. “He's an
American
, isn't he?” Mr. Duckler responded, then told Ms. Sunset to definitely call him after the meeting.

“One goddamn second,” Gen. Spangler said. “I was the one who came up with the key comic conceit. Without the dumb guy there's no movie.”

Mr. Duckler began to lecture Gen. Spangler on “how this business works” but was interrupted when three MPs dragged him from the room.

After a short silence, Mr. McBoog spoke for the first time. “I always wondered,” he said, “What would happen if
It could be something as simple as
or maybe
.”