Deliriously Happy (7 page)

i.   exercise restraint in your declarations, as

ii.  more than three (3) unreciprocated declarations of love within a forty-eight-hour period shall be considered harassment.

c.   Any declaration of love shall be considered in effect and at full strength unless and until it is rescinded explicitly.

d.   Any repeated request for a redundant declaration of love, if granted, shall not then be vitiated on the grounds it had to be coerced.

4.   Previous loves, as much as we try to leave them behind, will inevitably show up at parties, funerals, and other social occasions. Should this occur, all I ask is

a.   a three-by-five (3 x 5) inch card, spelling out in clear, block letters

i.   his occupation and estimated salary,

ii.  a general description of looks and size,

iii. the beginning and end dates of the relationship,

iv. any emotional or physical “firsts,”

v.  reason for dissolution, and

vi. whether you ever really loved him,

b.   such information provided with sufficient time for me to recuse myself from the proceedings with cause, and without causing a scene.

c.   Likewise, and happily, I will supply you with comparable information, should you request it in writing, and provided, in my sole estimation, you can handle it.

5.   I have been hurt; you have been hurt. I do not wish to hurt you. I trust you do not want to hurt me. None of this should be forgotten should any future hurt occur.

Sunday Mornings

I propose the following schedule and general guidelines:

9:00 a.m.     Awake, snooze, spoon
.

9:15–10:30   Breakfast
.

a.   Coffee.

i.   Half-and-half should be available; low-fat or skim will be considered a violation of the spirit of Me: 2.b. No flavored blends, please.

b.   Bagels (host fetches), cream cheese, butter, etc.

c.   Fruit (in season).

9:30–12:30 p.m.   Sunday New York Times
.

a.   In five piles: Unread, You've Read, I've Read, Both Read, Coupons.

b.   No reading aloud.

c.   Host commandeers the crossword but

i.   makes an attempt to include the visitor in the crosswording process, even if she can do all of it herself.

ii.  No dictionaries.

12:30   Sex, showering, as mood permits
.

Miscellaneous

From my experience in previous situations, I have learned a few things which, God willing, can prevent any future
us
from becoming the emotional baggage that burdens any subsequent
us
you or I may pursue separately
.

1.   Preexisting cat(s; up to two) will be tolerated, provided you do not insist they become an active third party in the relationship. Should you not now have such a cat, but consider acquiring one in the future, I would appreciate:

a.   the right to peremptorily challenge up to three prospective names; and

b.   verbal assurances that said creature will be nurtured from a pool of affection and attention created especially for it, and not from other sources.

2.   Absolutely no dog sharing.

3.   My medication does not interact with alcohol, and while we're on the subject,

a.   I only drink to forget those aspects of my past that might otherwise impede our ability to form a lasting, loving
us
.

b.   I know my limit.

4.   From time to time I may disappear for several days, physically and/or emotionally.

a.   This need not concern you.

b.   Under no circumstance call the police.

5.   If your name is Katherine, Kathy, Kate, Cate, Kat, Kay, Sweetie, or Punkin, it might be wise for me to call you by your middle name, or a third, mutually agreed upon moniker. One possibility: Nancy.

6.   One night four to six months from now, we may go out to eat, see a movie, come back to my apartment, make love, watch some TV, go to bed, and you will awake in the middle of the night to find me weeping.

a.   It will be nothing.

b.   Ignore it and go back to sleep.

7.   Please refrain from talking during sex.

Before you say anything: don't say anything. I know what you're going to say, and I agree: it would be so nice if we were young and unbruised again and could rush in like fools where, as adults, we know better than to tread. This is not to say I am not all for this. I just think that if you and I must dance once again into that dark, warm room filled with spiders, we ought to step carefully; and I want to know ahead of time that no more than a handful is playing violins behind their backs.

Oh, and one more thing: I don't dance.

Will Marissa and I ever get back together?

Will Marissa and I ever get back together?

Will Marissa and I ever get back together?

Will Marissa and I ever get back together?

Will Marissa and I ever get back together?

It's not easy being the bad guy. The public hates you, and no wonder, fed as they are a steaming stream of media bile that maliciously misrepresents all your plots and machinations. Adults, in turn, poison the minds of the young, who every day joyously play-act your murder. All you have are your minions, who do your bidding, sure, but out of fear and not out of respect or, dare I say it, love.