Delphi Complete Works of the Brontes Charlotte, Emily, Anne Brontë (Illustrated) (461 page)

“March 12, 1839.

. . . “I had a kindly leaning towards him, because he is an amiable and well-disposed man.  Yet I had not, and could not have, that intense attachment which would make me willing to die for him; and if ever I marry, it must be in that light of adoration that I will regard my husband.  Ten to one I shall never have the chance again; but
n’importe
.  Moreover, I was aware that he knew so little of me he could hardly be conscious to whom he was writing.  Why! it would startle him to see me in my natural home character; he would think I was a wild, romantic enthusiast indeed.  I could not sit all day long making a grave face before my husband.  I would laugh, and satirize, and say whatever came into my head first.  And if he were a clever man, and loved me, the whole world, weighed in the balance against his smallest wish, should be light as air.”

So that — her first proposal of marriage — was quietly declined and put on one side.  Matrimony did not enter into the scheme of her life, but good, sound, earnest labour did; the question, however, was as yet undecided in what direction she should employ her forces.  She had been discouraged in literature; her eyes failed her in the minute kind of drawing which she practised when she wanted to express an idea; teaching seemed to her at this time, as it does to most women at all times, the only way of earning an independent livelihood.  But neither she nor her sisters were naturally fond of children.  The hieroglyphics of childhood were an unknown language to them, for they had never been much with those younger than themselves.  I am inclined to think, too, that they had not the happy knack of imparting information, which seems to be a separate gift from the faculty of acquiring it; a kind of sympathetic tact, which instinctively perceives the difficulties that impede comprehension in a child’s mind, and that yet are too vague and unformed for it, with its half-developed powers of expression, to explain by words.  Consequently, teaching very young children was anything but a “delightful task” to the three Brontë sisters.  With older girls, verging on womanhood, they might have done better, especially if these had any desire for improvement.  But the education which the village clergyman’s daughters had received, did not as yet qualify them to undertake the charge of advanced pupils.  They knew but little French, and were not proficients in music; I doubt whether Charlotte could play at all.  But they were all strong again, and, at any rate, Charlotte and Anne must put their shoulders to the wheel.  One daughter was needed at home, to stay with Mr. Brontë and Miss Branwell; to be the young and active member in a household of four, whereof three — the father, the aunt, and faithful Tabby — were past middle age.  And Emily, who suffered and drooped more than her sisters when away from Haworth, was the one appointed to remain.  Anne was the first to meet with a situation.

“April 15th, 1839.

“I could not write to you in the week you requested, as about that time we were very busy in preparing for Anne’s departure.  Poor child! she left us last Monday; no one went with her; it was her own wish that she might be allowed to go alone, as she thought she could manage better and summon more courage if thrown entirely upon her own resources.  We have had one letter from her since she went.  She expresses herself very well satisfied, and says that Mrs. — - is extremely kind; the two eldest children alone are under her care, the rest are confined to the nursery, with which and its occupants she has nothing to do . . . I hope she’ll do.  You would be astonished what a sensible, clever letter she writes; it is only the talking part that I fear.  But I do seriously apprehend that Mrs. — - will sometimes conclude that she has a natural impediment in her speech.  For my own part, I am as yet ‘wanting a situation,’ like a housemaid out of place.  By the way, I have lately discovered I have quite a talent for cleaning, sweeping up hearths, dusting rooms, making beds, &c.; so, if everything else fails, I can turn my hand to that, if anybody will give me good wages for little labour.  I won’t be a cook; I hate soothing.  I won’t be a nurserymaid, nor a lady’s-maid, far less a lady’s companion, or a mantua-maker, or a straw-bonnet maker, or a taker-in of plain work.  I won’t be anything but a housemaid . . . With regard to my visit to G., I have as yet received no invitation; but if I should be asked, though I should feel it a great act of self-denial to refuse, yet I have almost made up my mind to do so, though the society of the T.’s is one of the most rousing pleasures I have ever known.  Good-bye, my darling E., &c.

“P. S. — Strike out that word ‘darling;’ it is humbug.  Where’s the use of protestations?  We’ve known each other, and liked each other, a good while; that’s enough.”

Not many weeks after this was written, Charlotte also became engaged as a governess.  I intend carefully to abstain from introducing the names of any living people, respecting whom I may have to tell unpleasant truths, or to quote severe remarks from Miss Brontë’s letters; but it is necessary that the difficulties she had to encounter in her various phases of life, should be fairly and frankly made known, before the force “of what was resisted” can be at all understood.  I was once speaking to her about “Agnes Grey” — the novel in which her sister Anne pretty literally describes her own experience as a governess — and alluding more particularly to the account of the stoning of the little nestlings in the presence of the parent birds.  She said that none but those who had been in the position of a governess could ever realise the dark side of “respectable” human nature; under no great temptation to crime, but daily giving way to selfishness and ill-temper, till its conduct towards those dependent on it sometimes amounts to a tyranny of which one would rather be the victim than the inflicter.  We can only trust in such cases that the employers err rather from a density of perception and an absence of sympathy, than from any natural cruelty of disposition.  Among several things of the same kind, which I well remember, she told me what had once occurred to herself.  She had been entrusted with the care of a little boy, three or four years old, during the absence of his parents on a day’s excursion, and particularly enjoined to keep him out of the stable-yard.  His elder brother, a lad of eight or nine, and not a pupil of Miss Brontë’s, tempted the little fellow into the forbidden place.  She followed, and tried to induce him to come away; but, instigated by his brother, he began throwing stones at her, and one of them hit her so severe a blow on the temple that the lads were alarmed into obedience.  The next day, in full family conclave, the mother asked Miss Brontë what occasioned the mark on her forehead.  She simply replied, “An accident, ma’am,” and no further inquiry was made; but the children (both brothers and sisters) had been present, and honoured her for not “telling tales.”  From that time, she began to obtain influence over all, more or less, according to their different characters; and as she insensibly gained their affection, her own interest in them was increasing.  But one day, at the children’s dinner, the small truant of the stable-yard, in a little demonstrative gush, said, putting his hand in hers, “I love ‘ou, Miss Brontë.”  Whereupon, the mother exclaimed, before all the children, “Love the
governess
, my dear!”

“The family into which she first entered was, I believe, that of a wealthy Yorkshire manufacturer.  The following extracts from her correspondence at this time will show how painfully the restraint of her new mode of life pressed upon her.  The first is from a letter to Emily, beginning with one of the tender expressions in which, in spite of ‘humbug,’ she indulged herself.  ‘Mine dear love,’ ‘Mine-bonnie love,’ are her terms of address to this beloved sister.

“June 8th, 1839.

“I have striven hard to be pleased with my new situation.  The country, the house and the grounds are, as I have said, divine; but, alack-a-day! there is such a thing as seeing all beautiful around you — pleasant woods, white paths, green lawns, and blue sunshiny sky — and not having a free moment or a free thought left to enjoy them.  The children are constantly with me.  As for correcting them, I quickly found that was out of the question; they are to do as they like.  A complaint to the mother only brings black looks on myself, and unjust, partial excuses to screen the children.  I have tried that plan once, and succeeded so notably, I shall try no more.  I said in my last letter that Mrs. — - did not know me.  I now begin to find she does not intend to know me; that she cares nothing about me, except to contrive how the greatest possible quantity of labour may be got out of me; and to that end she overwhelms me with oceans of needle-work; yards of cambric to hem, muslin nightcaps to make, and, above all things, dolls to dress.  I do not think she likes me at all, because I can’t help being shy in such an entirely novel scene, surrounded as I have hitherto been by strange and constantly changing faces . . . I used to think I should like to be in the stir of grand folks’ society; but I have had enough of it — it is dreary work to look on and listen.  I see more clearly than I have ever done before, that a private governess has no existence, is not considered as a living rational being, except as connected with the wearisome duties she has to fulfil . . . One of the pleasantest afternoons I have spent here — indeed, the only one at all pleasant — was when Mr. — - walked out with his children, and I had orders to follow a little behind.  As he strolled on through his fields, with his magnificent Newfoundland dog at his side, he looked very like what a frank, wealthy, Conservative gentleman ought to be.  He spoke freely and unaffectedly to the people he met, and, though he indulged his children and allowed them to tease himself far too much, he would not suffer them grossly to insult others.”

(WRITTEN IN PENCIL TO A FRIEND.)

“July, 1839.

“I cannot procure ink, without going into the drawing-room, where I do not wish to go . . . I should have written to you long since, and told you every detail of the utterly new scene into which I have lately been cast, had I not been daily expecting a letter from yourself, and wondering and lamenting that you did not write; for you will remember it was your turn.  I must not bother you too much with my sorrows, of which, I fear, you have heard an exaggerated account.  If you were near me, perhaps I might be tempted to tell you all, to grow egotistical, and pour out the long history of a private governess’s trials and crosses in her first situation.  As it is, I will only ask you to imagine the miseries of a reserved wretch like me, thrown at once into the midst of a large family, at a time when they were particularly gay — when the house was filled with company — all strangers — people whose faces I had never seen before.  In this state I had charge given me of a set of pampered, spoilt, turbulent children, whom I was expected constantly to amuse, as well as to instruct.  I soon found that the constant demand on my stock of animal spirits reduced them to the lowest state of exhaustion; at times I felt — and, I suppose, seemed — depressed.  To my astonishment, I was taken to task on the subject by Mrs. — - with a sternness of manner and a harshness of language scarcely credible; like a fool, I cried most bitterly.  I could not help it; my spirits quite failed me at first.  I thought I had done my best — strained every nerve to please her; and to be treated in that way, merely because I was shy and sometimes melancholy, was too bad.  At first I was for giving all up and going home.  But, after a little reflection, I determined to summon what energy I had, and to weather the storm.  I said to myself, ‘I have never yet quitted a place without gaining a friend; adversity is a good school; the poor are born to labour, and the dependent to endure.’  I resolved to be patient, to command my feelings, and to take what came; the ordeal, I reflected, would not last many weeks, and I trusted it would do me good.  I recollected the fable of the willow and the oak; I bent quietly, and now, I trust, the storm is blowing over me.  Mrs. — - is generally considered an agreeable woman; so she is, I doubt not, in general society.  She behaves somewhat more civilly to me now than she did at first, and the children are a little more manageable; but she does not know my character, and she does not wish to know it.  I have never had five minutes’ conversation with her since I came, except while she was scolding me.  I have no wish to be pitied, except by yourself; if I were talking to you I could tell you much more.”

(TO EMILY, ABOUT THIS TIME.)

“Mine bonnie love, I was as glad of your letter as tongue can express: it is a real, genuine pleasure to hear from home; a thing to be saved till bedtime, when one has a moment’s quiet and rest to enjoy it thoroughly.  Write whenever you can.  I could like to be at home.  I could like to work in a mill.  I could like to feel some mental liberty.  I could like this weight of restraint to be taken off.  But the holidays will come.  Coraggio.”

Her temporary engagement in this uncongenial family ended in the July of this year; not before the constant strain upon her spirits and strength had again affected her health; but when this delicacy became apparent in palpitations and shortness of breathing, it was treated as affectation — as a phase of imaginary indisposition, which could be dissipated by a good scolding.  She had been brought up rather in a school of Spartan endurance than in one of maudlin self-indulgence, and could bear many a pain and relinquish many a hope in silence.

After she had been at home about a week, her friend proposed that she should accompany her in some little excursion, having pleasure alone for its object.  She caught at the idea most eagerly at first; but her hope stood still, waned, and had almost disappeared before, after many delays, it was realised.  In its fulfilment at last, it was a favourable specimen of many a similar air-bubble dancing before her eyes in her brief career, in which stern realities, rather than pleasures, formed the leading incidents.