Depths of Depravity (2 page)

“
John—”

“
I love you, Victoria.”

“
If you love me you wouldn’t say that this isn’t going to work between the two of us.”

“
No, I do love you. And that’s why I want what’s best for the both of us. It’s better if we end this now.”

John began to walk away. I stood up from my chair and chased after him. I wasn
’t sure what I was going to do when I caught up to him. I only knew that I didn’t want him to leave. He made it to the door and opened it.

“
John, wait!”

He stood there and looked back at me.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s more than just this. You know that. I never see you. You’re always working and—”

“
So we can make time for each other. Are you really just going to throw away what we have just because of this?”

He looked at me and sighed. I could feel him slipping away from me and no matter how hard I tried, there wasn
’t any way for me to hold onto him.

“
This… I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But I don’t trust myself when I’m away from you. If we stay together, I’ll only end up breaking your heart. Goodbye, Victoria.”

He was barely able to look me in the eye when he said it. He turned away from me and left the apartment. I watched the door close and still couldn
’t believe everything that just happened. It all felt like a really bad nightmare. I kept waiting for the moment when I would wake-up and find myself in bed.

“
You already broke my heart…”

I stood at my door for I don
’t know how long. I slowly walked back toward the dinner table. I looked down at the plates of half-eaten food that I had wasted my time cooking. Then I took a seat and stared at the candle in front of me. The flame danced in the corner of my eye, the only thing in my apartment that still had any life in it. As a tear fell down my cheek, I puckered my lips and blew out the flame.

Chapter 2

I watched as she ate the food I had spent the entire day planning out. It wasn’t any relief to me that the food wasn’t going to waste. Nothing had gone how I’d planned it. I could understand if work had taken either one of us away. I never imagined that I would be sitting on my couch and explaining to my best friend how I no longer had a boyfriend.

“
That’s all right,” she said to me with a mouthful of food. “Just go ahead and let it all out. I’m here for you.”

She managed to console me and enjoy her food all at the same time. With one hand on her fork, she placed the other on my knee and rubbed it an attempt to comfort me. A
s bad as I was feeling, I had no choice but to laugh at her.

“
I don’t think there’s anything left inside of me,” I smiled, wiping the mascara from my face.

“
Good. Now you can move on. You should realize that you were too good for John anyway. He’s kind of a loser.”

“
Lauren!”

“
What?”

She looked at me sheepishly while she took a swig of wine to wash everything down.

I had known Lauren ever since we were in high school. I didn’t know how it happened exactly. You never remember the moment when you become someone’s friend. But Lauren has been there ever since I’d known her. And now that we’re older, she still managed to get a place just down the street from me. She was always just a phone call away.

“
What?” she exclaimed. “You
can
do better than a guy like John. I don’t see what was so special about him anyway.”

“
You don’t understand, Lauren.”

“
You’re right. I don’t. It’s nice to finally say everything I think about him out loud.”

“
You made it very clear what you think about him before.”

“
You’re right again.”

She started to laugh at me, doing a half-assed job at trying to cheer me up.

“It’s… I just thought that John was the one.”

“
Here we go…”

“
John was everything I ever wanted. He was good-looking. He had a stable career so I knew that we could start a family. He was nice to me. Great in bed…”

“
Oh, come on, Vicki. John was basically some company lacking doing his best to try and climb the corporate ladder. When he wasn’t busy kissing executive butts, he was busy kissing
your
ass.”

“
Is that a bad thing?”

“
No,” she laughed at me. “But what I’m saying is that he’s easily replaceable. How many companies are in this city? Look at this building over here.”

We both turned toward my window and looked at the skyscraper just across from us.

“How many floors is it?” she asked. “How many offices are in it? There are literally thousands of guys all over the city that had the same job John had. And they’re all desperately trying to make it. Fine. John had a stable job and he treated you nice. But he wasn’t
amazing
or anything.”

Lauren
’s logic made perfect sense to me. But that still didn’t stop me from being upset. I had the perfect evening planned. I could feel the tears starting to come back as I thought about how things were supposed to be between me and John. Lauren put her hand on my leg and again tried to console me.

“
You’ll get over it,” she said to me. “It wasn’t even that long. It’s not like you’re getting a divorce or something.”

“
It feels like it.”

“
Oh, Vicki. Now you’re just being dramatic.”

She stood up from the sofa and poured both of us a glass of wine. She handed the glass to me and I hesitated to take it from her.

“Go ahead,” she said.

“
I’m not thirsty.”

“
It’s not about that. Look at you. Your boyfriend just dumped you…”

“
Don’t remind me.”

“
You did your makeup and your hair. You’re wearing a little sexy black dress. You might as well get drunk. Maybe we can go out later tonight.”

“
No,” I shook my head. “I’m not in the mood for that.”

“
Well, you can at least drown your sorrows. It’s not like you’re drinking alone like some alcoholic.”

I shook my head at my friend then started to laugh. I took the glass of wine and gulped it, desperate for any relief from the hole I had in my chest. I sat on the couch and watched my friend grab the o
ther plate of food.

“
You know, this is really good,” she said as she ate the rest of my dinner.

“
Yeah, yeah, I know. I already heard that before.”

“
No, Vicki, I’m serious. How come you never cook for me?”

“
I… I don’t know. Do you want me to cook for you?”

“
It’d be nice. But you don’t have to. I’m not going to sleep with you either way. There’s something about cooking a man a meal to let him know how you feel.”

“
Yeah…”

I took another gulp of wine and looked out of my window toward the skyscraper just across
from us. I could feel Lauren’s eyes on me as I felt the alcohol slowly beginning to take its effect on me.

“
He does have a point though,” she said to me.

“
What?” I jerked my head toward her.

“
He has a point. I mean, I’m not saying he’s right. I’m just saying—”

“
Lauren, he asked my permission to fuck one of his coworkers.”

“
Right. That’s what I’m saying. He asked for your permission.”

“
And the answer should be obvious. I’m not going to let him just cheat on me like that.”

“
Technically, it wouldn’t be cheating since you’d be letting him do it.”

“…
I don’t believe this. Not you, too.”

I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn
’t believe my best friend was trying to make the same point he was. I knew that I had some alcohol in my blood but I was sure I was hearing it come from her as well.

“
I know, I know,” she said. “You want to settle down with a nice guy. Minivan, white picket fence, 2.5 kids, suburbia. I understand that. But things are different these days. People are more open with their sexuality.”

“
People are more open about
discussing
their sexuality. They don’t go around fucking everything just because they’re attracted to it.”

“
Right. And that’s exactly what John did. He asked you if it was okay and you said no.”

“
Are you actually taking his side?”

“
No. I’m just saying that you two weren’t meant for each other. You wanted two different things. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other women and you wanted a monogamous relationship. You two were incompatible.”

“
Am I wrong in wanting a little exclusivity in my relationship? We all like sex. There’s no need to give in to every little desire.”

Lauren sighed then began to laugh at me. I took another swig of wine and stared at her.

“You’re laughing again,” I said.

“
Hey, he was just being honest. You have those same desires. Don’t tell me that you haven’t walked by some hot guy and just wanted to jump all over him.”

“
Sure, I’ve had fantasies. But I’ve never acted on them. I know how to control my instincts.”

“
You have a vibrator.”

“
What does that have to do with anything?”

“
Well, you have those desires and you have to satisfy them. What’s the difference between using some little toy and using another person?”

“
Oh, come on, Lauren. There’s a difference. It’s just a toy. It’s not another person. It’s like a toothbrush. It’s easier to replace these things than an actual person. It’s not like I have men lined-up waiting outside for me when I need a new one.”

“
That’s actually not a bad idea, Vicki.”

She started to laugh at me once again. I
rolled my eyes at her and sighed, the pain of my break-up still fresh. As terrible as she was at trying to cheer me up, she did manage to get my mind off of everything I was feeling. I was grateful that she lived just down the street from me because I didn’t know what I would have done if I had to wait any longer.

I sat there on the couch and finished the glass of wine she had poured me. Lauren stood up from the sofa and looked around, pondering what to do next. It was the first night off I
’d had in months. I needed to do something to keep my mind off of everything that just happened.

“
So, what do you say, Vicki?”

“
What do I say to what?”

“
Do you want to go out tonight? I might have to borrow one of your outfits but that’s okay since I look good in pretty much anything.”

Lauren posed in front of me. She looked like some kind of clumsy model who had no idea what she was doing. I closed my eyes and started to giggle at her, the alcohol now clearly taking its effect.

“No,” I said as I shook my head. “I’m not in the mood to go out tonight.”

“
You’ve been planning this day for weeks. You can’t spend it in the same spot you were while you were working. You need to get out and live a little. Maybe there’s some cute guy out there waiting for you. He can make you forget all about John.”

“
No,” I shook my head. “I’m done with that.”

“…
You’re done with what? Cute guys?”

“
Yes. I’ve had it. Every cute guy I’ve met has had something wrong with him.”

“
Wow, I didn’t realize you were drunk already.”

“
Lauren, I’m serious!”

“
No, you’re drunk.”

I sighed as I tried to tell my friend how I was feeling. I didn
’t know how to put it into words. It was like I had already accepted everything that happened between me and John.

“
No, listen,” I said. “Every instinct about every guy I’ve ever met has been wrong. Just when I thought they were ‘perfect,’ they turned out to be some creep or asshole or someone who couldn’t keep their dick in their pants. So that’s it. I’m done. I’m not going to let my feelings and emotions get the best of me. I’m not going to let some cute guy trick me into thinking that he’s perfect when in reality I’m just looking past his flaws. I’m taking a break from dating.”

“
Who’s talking about dating? I’m just looking for a guy to fuck.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed at my friend. She began to playfully thrust her hips at me while I did my best to ignore her. She moved up closer to me and started banging her hips against my face. I put my hands up to block her.

“Stop!” I said as I started to laugh. “Can’t you just be serious for once?”

“
That’s your problem, baby,” she said in a tone mocking a suave man’s voice. “You’re
way
too serious. You need to loosen-up. And I’ve got just the thing to loosen you up, baby.”

“
No thanks. You know I have a vibrator for that.”

“
Oh, come on, Vicki,” she said as she stopped and took a seat next to me. “You know that’s no replacement for a real man. You just said it.”

“
I know. That’s why I’m able to separate the two. That’s what I’m going to miss about John.”

“
The sex?”

“
No! Everything else. The conversation. The way he told me he liked my cooking. The way he worked hard and stayed late at the office. It’s all of the little things. I can replace the sex. That’s not really a big deal.”

“
Fine. Let’s go out and replace him then. You don’t need to look for a guy with a great job and a good pedigree. You’re not trying to have anyone’s babies. You’re just looking for a guy who can make you scream. Who cares if he doesn’t make that much money? Hell, who cares if he even has a job? Let’s go find a guy that’ll bang you and make you forget all about all the ‘little things’ you love so much.”

I looked at my friend as I considered her proposal. I decided that I was in no position to jump back into a
relationship. I had sworn myself to stay away from men. For how long, I didn’t know. Whatever it was I was looking for, I knew I wasn’t going to find it in this city.

“
Forget Mr. Right,” she said to me. “Let’s go have fun with all of the wrong ones.”

“
I can’t.”

“
What? Why not?”