Designed for Submission (Devine Designs) (18 page)

''It didn't hurt,'' he said, after thinking a moment.  ''I think that to some degree, I'm simply wired that way.  I think having grown up lucky enough to witness how deeply two people can truly love and commit totally to each other helped as well.'' He paused and chuckled.  ''Even seeing Mom being sent to her room when Dad thought she needed to be reminded of who ruled the house, had an effect.  She might be angry when she stomped up the stairs, but I guarantee, the next time she appeared, it was as if she had a totally different spirit about her.  It was amazing to me.  We pretended we didn't hear her being paddled or spanked, but always knew Dad was in there with her, and somehow they always worked it out, with both feeling loved and treasured.  I can absolutely guarantee that they had very well-behaved kids for several days if we had so much as an inkling that mom was being disciplined.''

''I always had high standards when dating,'' he said, and Elizabeth felt he was sharing something he rarely did.  ''I was never quick to date.  It seemed I needed extra time to determine if the girl I was interested in was truly desiring to get to know me as who I really was or was just wanting to say she caught me.'' He paused and then laughed loud.  ''God, that sounded like I was an arrogant little shit, didn't it?'' he asked.

Elizabeth had to giggle.  ''Just a little,'' she said.  ''I either pictured you as some iconic high school stud that was only going to date the most beautiful, popular girls, or else picture you as some sort of snotty heir to some huge fortune that all women wanted to grab.''

''Okay, I deserved that,'' he said.  ''I didn't mean it like the way it sounded.  I just sort of had the reputation that, whereas we knew many girls who played hard to get, believe me, I was sort of the outcast.  I even heard rumors that I must be gay, and those came from both guys and girls, but I didn't care what anyone thought.  I dated rarely but when I did, I truly appreciated each relationship.  Does that make any sense at all?''

She smiled and nodded.  ''I think it means that, even by the time you started dating, you so respected and valued what your parents had that you were simply not going to settle for anything less,'' she said.

He smiled and nodded.  ''Thanks,'' he said, ''you made it sound so much better than I did, and nowhere nearly as asinine.''

Elizabeth was quiet, thinking how it must have been.  She loved her parents but did not remember always thinking they were perfect for each other.  She had grown up where there were often several days in a row when the house was tense and silent because her parents were angry with each other.  She remembered oscillating between thinking her mother was one of the strongest women she had known, to praying her mother would bend and not attempt to control everyone, including her father.  Logan watched as her thoughts ran across her face.  He took his hand from her knee to guide her to shift her position until she was nestled next to him, his arm around her shoulder.

''When did you discover you were born to be a Submissive?'' he asked, as he gently stroked her arm with his fingers.  Elizabeth tensed for an instant, wondering how much she wanted to reveal.  ''You don't have to answer the question, Elizabeth,'' he said, quietly.  ''If you do, please do not filter your answer.  I'd rather you didn't tell me than to think you are giving me some version you believe I'd prefer.  I value honesty in all things.''

She closed her eyes, wondering how he had known her thoughts.  She sighed and unconsciously leaned into him a bit more.  Logan didn't speak again, his fingers still moving slowly up and down her arm, his touch relaxing her tension.

''I didn't know for a while,'' she said quietly.  ''I definitely did not grow up with any sort of role model to lead me in that direction.  I think I've always been what some people refer to as a 'pleaser'.  I try to avoid confrontation.  I suppose all the drama in my household, growing up listening to my folks argue about everything, from what take-out to order, to whose turn it was to drive me to some school function, just made me want to calm the waters.'' She stopped and took the final sips of her coffee before leaning forward to put her empty mug on the table.  She turned back to look at him.

''I need something stronger than coffee,'' she said.  He stood and took both their mugs to the kitchen while she got some glasses.  She asked him to choose the wine and watched as he uncorked it.  When they returned to the living room, Logan led her to the single armchair in the room.  It was deep and very comfortable.  He sat and carefully pulled her down onto his lap as if it were the most natural thing in the world.  She looked up and saw his smile.  She gave him a soft one in return and then relaxed, laying her head on his chest.  He wrapped an arm around her small body as if to reassure her that she was safe.  It seemed to give her the courage to share what had happened in grad school with the first person since Nancy.

Logan listened and didn't interrupt.  As she spoke, he knew she had been deeply affected by that day.  It was obvious in her voice that she had been very moved by the entire experience with John.  She said that she had come alive for the first time, as he demanded what he desired from her.

''It was as if he awakened something deep within my soul.  I was no longer concerned about my own pleasure,'' she said, softly.  ''Even though I truly thought of only pleasing him, I found my own pleasure multiplied ten-fold.  I had dated other guys and slept with a few.  This was nothing like that … this was something I had never even imagined existed.''

Logan felt a surge of jealousy, wishing that he had been the one to share the first truly deep experience between a Dominant and his Submissive.  He pushed the thought away and gave all his attention to her.

''It went from being the most enlightening experience of my life to the most horrific,'' she said, and he felt her tremble.  He set down his glass and wrapped his other arm around her, as well, pulling her a bit more firmly against his body.  He wanted to tell her she didn't need to continue but knew she truly did.

''I know now that what happened is so incredibly small compared to things that I've learned can happen in the world.  I know there are far more traumatic stories, more physically horrible damage.  I know it seems foolish and something that I should have been able to simply slough off and laugh about later,'' she said, softly.  ''I know all that, and yet … I … I am still unable to let it all go.  I've had different Doms, men I both admire and respect enough to play with.  I've had lovers and boyfriends and yet they all eventually tell me the same thing:  that I can't let go.'' She paused far longer this time.  Logan slipped her glass from her hand and when it was free, she felt him entwine his fingers with hers.  She looked at their hands and closed her eyes.

''You can't compare stories about something that so impacted your life, Elizabeth,'' he said.  ''It is not a contest of who hurts the most or who deserves the most comfort.  Everyone has a story.  The only benefit in sharing stories with anyone is learning that very thing and perhaps finding the strength to embrace your pain, allow yourself to grieve and then finally, Schatzlein, find the strength to let it be put behind you forever and live the rest of your life free of its ability to hurt you further,'' Logan said softly, his lips moving against the top of her head as he stroked the back of her neck.

''I can't get that man out of my mind,'' she confessed.  ''I have fought for release for years, but every time I feel I can truly let it go, I see his eyes and hear his voice.  I'm surprised I can even find as much pleasure in sex as I do.  I owe that to John.  He tried so very hard to guide me through it all.  I will never, ever regret that day, simply because it taught me that there are men in the world who truly do have the will and the strength to find something so deeply profound in sharing such a deep, intimate physical connection with another.''

She finished and felt immense relief.  Logan knew how difficult it had been and was truly humbled that she had shared something so personal with him.  He continued to hold her hand in his, their fingers bonded tightly.

''Tell me, how long do you think the security officer was in the room with you?'' he asked, softly.  She looked up at him, her eyes showing her puzzlement.  He didn't repeat the question, just patiently waited for an answer.

Elizabeth finally gave a small shrug.  ''I don't know, it felt like a lifetime, but I guess it wasn't really more than a couple of minutes,'' she said, the puzzlement remaining on her face.

Logan nodded, bending down to kiss her forehead before he spoke again.  ''Honey, you have let two minutes of this man's life affect over two-million minutes of your own,'' he said softly, and watched her eyes widen in amazement.  ''You should never allow anyone that sort of power over your life, especially when his view is bullshit.'' He didn't speak further.  He held her close, bending to place a gentle kiss on the top of her head and allowed her emotions to take her where they needed to go.

It was a great deal later when she stirred, signifying she wanted to be released.  ''Thank you,'' she said softly, turning her face up to his and laying the palm of her hand against his cheek.  He smiled, turning slightly to kiss the inside of her palm.  She smiled, the simple kiss exactly what she needed.  He didn't ask her for further details or attempt to solve the problem; he knew that she alone could make it through this deeply emotional labyrinth.  All he could do was to help guide her and support her when she needed him.

He handed back her glass, and they finished their wine in restful silence.  Too soon, he spoke of having to leave.  She found herself both wishing he'd stay and briefly wondering if her story had convinced him she was damaged goods.

Logan took her face between his palms.  ''Thank you.  You are an amazing woman,'' he said, allowing his words to comfort and reassure her.  He bent and kissed her lips very lightly.  She felt her stomach lurch and her body respond instantly.  He guided her off his lap and walked to the door of the apartment.  She followed, her mind demanding she ask him to stay, but her question was different.

''What was in the bag?'' she said.  ''The one you gave Nancy?''

He smiled and turned to her.  ''I believe you should wait to ask Nancy,'' he said.  Her mouth opened to protest and he saw her eyes dart to her phone on the table.  He reached out and grabbed her around her waist.  ''Nope,'' he said, with another smile.  ''Not tonight.  You may call her tomorrow.''

She looked up at him and gave him a mock pout.  ''That's not fair! I've been dying to know what is in that bag since we left the booth.  The suspense will kill me,'' she argued.

Logan chuckled.  ''Ah, but a little anticipation is a wonderful thing,'' he said.

''How can you say that? You know what it is!'' she argued.  He reached down and quickly swatted her bottom.  She yelped and gaped up at him before shaking her head.

''You can anticipate having your ass smacked when you are being bratty,'' he said with a final chuckle as he pulled her closer, his hands holding her arms to her sides.  She dared not breathe as his head bent down to hers until his words were delivered only inches from her lips.  ''And, Schatzlein, you can anticipate what comes next.'' He moved the final inch and pressed his lips against her own.  She moaned deeply, her arms desperately wanting to lift to wrap around his neck.  He held her arms firmly, not allowing her the freedom to do more than to press into him.  He increased the pressure on her lips and drew out the kiss until she thought she would faint with pleasure.  She moaned again when he broke the kiss.  Logan smiled down at her to see her emerald eyes glazed with pleasure and desire.

''I'll call you tomorrow,'' he said as he opened the door.  Just before he shut it, he said, ''I suggest you be able to tell me you immediately dead-bolted this door, or the next time, I absolutely promise you, it will not be a baby-smack.'' He shut the door and stood still.  He smiled when only a few seconds later he heard the key turn in the lock.

Chapter 12

''Hi, Logan,'' Elizabeth said softly into her phone.  ''I am proud to announce that I locked the door immediately when you left.''

Logan smiled into the phone.  ''That's my good girl,'' he said, and she felt a thrill over something as simple as those few words.  ''I promise to show you that good girls get rewarded.''

She briefly shut her eyes, as dozens of possibilities rolled through her head.  ''Is is better than a whacking?'' she asked, and then giggled.

Logan laughed.  ''Anticipation, my dear, anticipation,'' he said, in a tone that made her shiver.  ''So, tell me, how long did you manage to wait before calling Nancy?''

Elizabeth laughed as she sat in the chair where Logan had held her the night before.  She told him that she had called right after noon, and the timing caused Jason to lose the bet he had made with his wife.  ''He figured I would call early, at least before noon, but Nancy knew I wouldn't dare call so early, figuring
I
knew she'd call me early, if she was available,'' Elizabeth laughed. ''After all, they are newlyweds.''

''Sounds like the deck was loaded,'' Logan said.  ''What was the bet, or dare I ask?

Elizabeth tucked her feet up under her and considered.  ''Hmmm,
now
who is the curious one?'' she asked, loving it when he growled into the phone and then laughed at being caught in his own game.

Elizabeth couldn't hold back the answer:  ''He has to sit through an entire Alien movie marathon next Saturday night.  Nancy is addicted to scary movies, though Jason thinks they are simply a waste of time.  It should prove to be interesting, because, knowing Nancy, she'll be worrying all week what Jason will come up with to make it worth his time.''

''I'd put my money on Jason,'' Logan said, and then added, ''care to bet?''

''Absolutely not,'' Elizabeth said, ''I wouldn't bet against either you or Jason!''

He laughed, thoroughly enjoying their conversation.  She was extremely easy to talk with, and every moment they spent together, he was growing more and more attracted to her.