Desired Too (23 page)

As I walked toward the bags, I saw Max taping up a fighter’s hand with her husband not too far from her, watching.

I chuckled and shook my head. When our eyes met, I nodded toward Mason and she just shook her head. As I started warming up, my thoughts went back to Angel. Maybe I was crazy for arguing with him. I admit that I did know things about him that I was sure no one else knew. The few times I interjected when I knew he was about to lose his mind should have told me all that I needed to know.

I knew how to make him feel good. I knew when to let him be, and I will admit I knew when he needed me. I think that’s what scared me the most.

He had been calling me “
Cara Mia
” more frequently. It meant “my darling” or “my beloved.” But there were times when he would say other things in Italian that when I questioned him about it, he’d ignore me.

He always kept me close to him, touching and kissing me. It made me feel cherished and the center of his attention all the time. Therefore, I should have been overjoyed, ecstatic even, that we were together. I was getting what I’d finally wanted, right?

So why do I still feel like shit?

I talked with Max for a little while, then worked out by myself for about an hour. Afterward, I headed for my hotel and took a shower. I collapsed on the bed and everything finally hit me. All of it hit me at one time; what happened in San Francisco, why I had to leave, what went down with my father and brother, and what had been going on with Angel.

The tears came first. Slowly moving down the side of my face as I laid there, staring up at the ceiling. Shit had gotten out of control in my life and Angel’s words kept swimming in my head.

“You need to be controlled.”

“You lash out at your enemy to hurt and destroy.”

“You are a loose cannon.”

I chuckled at the last one. Yeah, I’d definitely heard that before. I smiled at the memory, then the tears fell more.

I am a mess.

I allowed myself to be as vulnerable as I wanted and for as long as I needed in order to get myself together. Once I did, I reached for my cell and… I called my father.

It was good to hear his voice, but I only told him that I would be stopping by the office to see him in a few hours. We needed to talk in person. I took a shower and got dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and fitted “I love Reap” t-shirt and flip-flops, and started getting my emotions back under control.

When I walked past my old colleagues and co-workers, the whispering started. I didn’t care, though. I did give quite a show when I left. I nodded to Bridgette, my old assistant, and headed for my father’s office.

When I got to my father’s office door, I paused and took a deep breath. I knew I needed to make this right with both him and my brother, and I knew it was going to be hard. What I didn’t expect was for me to turn into a blubbering idiot the moment that I opened the door and saw my father’s face.

Let me first tell you that my father is a very handsome man. He is about six-foot-three and two-hundred and something solid pounds. He has short gray hair that tamely laid on his head. He has dark rich brown eyes that twinkled when he smiled and hardened when he was pissed. My father is a catch, but I didn’t understand why he never remarried after my mom passed. But when I’d asked one day, he told me that my mom was the love of his life and that no other woman would ever love him the way that she did. I didn’t understand that back then. Now, though, I understood completely. For some reason, when the heart wants what it wants, there’s no substitution.

Anyway, the moment my eyes fell on my dad, I ran quickly into his arms. We stayed like that, hugging and mumbling our apologies to each other for a while before we sat on his couch and talked about everything that happened between me and my brother, why I left three years ago, and just how it was for me growing up. I’d always understood how much pain my father went through losing his wife during childbirth and having this little girl, that he said reminded him so much of his late wife, to now take care of. I was a handful. But one thing that made me feel like a complete ass was when he told me, “You have so much of your mother in you. No one could ever keep her, tie her down, or control her. She was free spirited and lived her life the way she wanted to.” He then took my hand in his and said, “You grow more and more like her every day.”

I’ve always felt my father was disappointed because I was like my mom. The stories he would tell me made me feel she and I were as different as night and day. He just proved that wasn’t the case. Maybe if I would have asked more about her, instead of trying to run away from her ghost and their memories of her, I would have learned how much alike we really were.

He and I talked and laughed for at least an hour before things got touchy. The change in my father’s demeanor, as well as his tone, was palpable when he asked, “What’s going on with you and that Leonetti boy?”

I sighed and leaned back against the couch, but my father didn’t wait for my response. “Raquel, I understand that being with a bad boy can be exciting and interesting, but, sweetheart, that man...” My father leaned closer to me as he continued, “…he’s worse than any boogie man story I can tell you. He’s capable of anything. And I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I don’t wish that type of man on my worst enemy.”

He sighed and leaned back against the couch. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt and, with him, it’s going to happen. I know it doesn’t seem like it and that you can handle anything, but you don’t know men like him. They aren’t capable of loving anything, especially if it comes between their interests.”

I stood and moved toward the two windows looking out on the north side of the city.

My father suddenly appeared next to me and he put his arm around my shoulders. “Sweet pea, they just aren’t like us. They live by a different set of rules, rules that can get them killed or in jail for the rest of their lives.”

“Dad…” I started, but my father turned me to face him.

“Look, as much as I would hate this, maybe you should go back to San Francisco and try to work things out with Ira. Victor did say Ira called here for you a few times.”

What?

I moved back from my father, trying my best not to freak out. “Ira called here for me?”

Surprised by my sudden change in behavior, my father nodded with curiosity in his eyes. “Yes. You’ll have to ask Victor when he called and if he left you a message, but Victor did say that he called.”

I could feel my heart rate increasing and panic was starting to take over my body. “How many times did he call? When did he call? Was it today? Yesterday?”

This can’t be happening.

“Is everything okay, Raquel?” My father moved toward me, but I backed away.

Okay, girl. Calm down.
Maybe he just wanted to see if you made it home safely. Yeah, but if that was the case, he would have called your cell. You’ve been home for almost three months now. He should’ve made that call weeks ago if he gave a shit. No, it’s something else. Damn it.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and freaked. I grabbed the fingers of the hand that touched me, twisted and spun quickly, pushing my attacker in the back and away from me.

“Ahhh! Goddamn it, Raquel!”

I snapped out of the trance I was in and realized my brother was the one that touched me. I brought my hands to my mouth instantly.

“Oh my God, Vic! I’m so sorry!” I moved toward him, but he moved back from me quickly.

“Damn, Raquel, what the hell is wrong with you?” my brother snapped.

The rage and anger that he shot towards me told me that it wasn’t a good idea that I attempt to squash anything with him today.

I did take a few deep breaths to try to calm my erratic impulses. “I’m really sorry, Vic. I didn’t hear you come in and my mind-”

“Yeah, you’re a fucking head case, do you know that?!” He rolled his eyes and started massaging his hand.

“I know and I’m sorry.” I moved toward him and he instinctively backed up from me. I put my hands up to signal that I was harmless and asked, “Dad said that Ira called here looking for me. Did he say what he wanted? Did he leave a message or a phone number?”

Victor looked behind me at my father before bringing his eyes back to me.

“What’s going on Raquel?” my father asked me again. He moved from behind me, taking wide strides away from me and stood next to Vic.

I knew that I probably seemed crazed to them both, but nonetheless I really didn’t have time to play twenty questions.

I smiled and really tried to relax. “Nothing, Dad. Everything is fine. I just need to know. Ira and I parted ways amicably with an understanding to keep our distance from each other.”

“Why? Did he hurt you?” my father asked quickly.

I shook my head. “Dad, I just need to know what he wanted.” I looked back at my brother, hoping my father didn’t catch that I really didn’t answer his question. “Vic, did he leave a number or say what he wanted?”

Vic shook his head. “No, he didn’t leave a number, and I didn’t ask, assuming you had his number. He asked if you had come home, and I told him you did, then asked what he wanted. He didn’t say. He just hung up.”

I stared hard at my brother, trying to see if he was hiding something.

I didn’t see anything that hinted that he was lying.

I asked, “When did he call you?”

“He called about two or three days ago.”

“Shit!” I snapped.

“What’s up?” Victor asked.

I didn’t reply. Instead, I moved to the door. I immediately started thanking Angel for moving me out of the hotel. Now I definitely owed him an apology. The question now would be, did anyone see someone moving my things and were they followed?

Fuck!

“Raquel!”

I stopped at the door of my father’s office, turned and looked in my dad’s eyes. I could see the worry in them, the fear. However, I didn’t have time to address his issues either. I needed to take care of my own debacle of a life before this shit got worse. If Ira was calling, then that meant I had little or no time left.

I smiled calmly. “Dad, everything is fine, I swear. Since I no longer have my old phone, I don’t have Ira’s number. I need to call some people we know in Cali and get it.”

“And you’re sure everything is okay between you and Ira?” he asked.

I moved to my father, gave him a kiss on his cheek and hugged him tight. I tried not to hug him as if it was goodbye, but it felt like it.

Shit, I was losing control.

When I moved back, I smiled again and rubbed his arms, trying to soothe the anguished look on his face. “Dad, I love you. I’ll call you in a couple of days, okay? Maybe we can do lunch or something.”

“No, you’ll call me later tonight and tomorrow,” he insisted. “We can and will do lunch this week. Tell Sally to put you on my calendar.”

I smiled. “Okay.”

I started for my brother, but again he backed away from me.

I smirked, thinking,
Coward,
and instead
moved quickly to the door of the office. The moment my feet hit the pavement, I started making my calls looking for Ira.

As I drove, I was so engrossed in my screwed up life that I hadn’t even realized that I had made it back to the hotel so fast. I looked at the time on my phone. It was 11 am. I wasn’t sure what Angel was doing, but I knew I needed to have that talk with him sooner rather than later. He had no idea how his controlling ways probably saved my life. I headed to the room to get my thoughts together before I called him. On the elevator, I called another number that I remembered, hoping this person would know where Ira was.

My phone rang in my ear for five agonizing rings before a voice picked up.

I didn’t waste time. “Squeak, do you know where Ira is?”

But the second I opened my hotel room, I knew exactly where he was.

I could hear Squeak’s voice as I stared at the figure that was sitting on my bed as he said, “Hello, Roxy.”

I hung up the call without a word, closed my door and leaned my back against it. “Hello, Ira.”

Ira and I
had
met my first year in San Francisco. We dated off and on for a while before we decided to see where we could take our relationship. When Angel mentioned
that he’d come
to see me months after I got to California, Ira and I
had
just started dating
then
. Things were great with us. We hung out with each other all the time. I’m not going to agree with Angel and say that I was all in love, but I thought things with Ira could actually go somewhere.

We
spent
a lot of time together. We visited Chinatown a lot, we went to the movies, rode the trolley everywhere, and went sightseeing
,
as if we were tourists new to
the
town.
There were times when we hung out at my place or his
,
watching movies or playing video games.

When we decided to
take our relationship to the next level
, I
saw no reason why things wouldn’t work out
.
That is, until
the moment I saw his jealous side. I had never seen a man overreact
so much
in my life. This man was dangerous with his jealousy. Any man that looked at me or smiled at me
,
I swear
,
Ira
went off
, c
ussing at anyone
,
and
,
on a few occasions
,
almost coming to blows with those that didn’t take his shit.

The day I had enough and called it quits was at a party
that
my boss
threw
for our department. My boss and I were cool. We had an amazing relationship.
Jay Hanover was just that kind of person you loved the instant you met him. He was a great person to work for, easygoing, funny, smart, and gay as gay could be. He didn’t keep it a secret
,
and I was cool with it. To each his/her own
.
I’m not one to
judge anyone.

I took Ira with me to the company party, and
,
at first, he was cool.
However, at one point during the party
, after watching my boss hug me
,
touch me on my arm
,
or put his arm around my shoulder
for too long
,
Ira
had enough and went bananas.

He made a huge scene and almost started a fight
right in the middle of the party
. I seriously had to beg my boss not to call the cops on him.
It was so bad
that
I honestly thought I would lose my job. Nevertheless, that night
,
I broke up with Ira. I couldn’t and wouldn’t subject myself to that kind of crazy.

Of course, since something was terribly wrong with me, I gave him another chance
,
and it seemed he had changed, but it didn’t last.
When he started following me around everywhere I went, showing up out of the blue or questioning my every moment, I realized he was a new kind of crazy and it would only get worse from there.
It took months and months
of back and forth
, from the beginning of our relationship right up to the end,
before
I decided he was too toxic for me.

Angel had the same tendencies but he was so different. Angel was very protective of me. He hated when someone touched me or got close to me. I just didn’t think he would have stalked me or made me afraid that his anger would ever turn violent towards me. There were times with Ira that I did, however. He made me feel like one day, my mouth would write a check my ass wouldn’t be able to cash.

I moved deeper into my hotel room and looked around. “What are you doing here?”

Ira stood
tall,
six feet two inches in height
,
and moved toward me smiling, his white teeth
shown
against his tan skin.

“Is this how we’re greeting each other now?”
he asked.

Ira wrapped his arms around me
,
and
,
I swear
,
I expected Angel to bust down the door with his gun drawn ready to put Ira down for touching me. I quickly hugged him and stepped away.

“Wow, that was dry,” Ira told me frowning.

“Yeah, well
,
what did you expect? Why are you here?”

Ira sighed and sat back down on my bed, “They know everything.”

Three simple words said
,
and I tell you I almost passed out.

“How do they know everything, Ira? How? You said that they would never find out. You said you’d make sure of it. Why now?”

“I don’t know, okay? Shit, I didn’t fucking say anything, but…”

I moved closer to him seeing my life flash before my eyes. “But what?”

Ira sighed again and looked at me. Did I mention he was fine as shit? I mean, built like a truck, baldhead, tats everywhere, a real badass. That’s why it was ironic when my father said he understood women’s attraction to bad boys. What he didn’t know was that my attraction ran deep.

“Look, Roxy, it didn’t matter how I found out. I just know you’re in danger. That’s why I got clear from my babysitters to come here.”

I nodded absently and sat next to him on the bed. “This is fucked up.”

“I know.”

I shook my head. “I did nothing wrong, though. I just did what you asked. Why can’t I tell them that? Why can’t I tell them that I had no clue who they were?”

Ira took my hand in his and kissed the back of my hand, the same way Angel did a few days ago. However, I didn’t feel as cherished when Ira’s lips touched me. No, I felt like the walls were caving in, as if I needed to bring out the claws.

“Because, baby, they don’t give a fuck,” he answered. “They think you were involved, and that’s all they need. Maybe they think getting to you might help them get to me. Who knows.”

I looked at him, hope-drenched in my eyes. “Do you think they will try to get to me the same way they did before?”

Ira shook his head. “No, they will not make the same mistake twice. No, they will make this up close and personal. I won’t put it past them that they already have someone here, watching you, just waiting…”

I sighed deeply, closed my eyes and shivered again. “Okay, Ira, you’ve made your point.”

I stood, moved to the corner of the room and tried my best to wrap my arms around myself.

“Hey, baby, listen,” he said as he stood and moved to me. He slowly moved his hands to my face and placed them on the side of my head, through my hair. “I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? You have my word.”

I closed my eyes and allowed him touch me. I would have preferred Angel’s soothing touch, but I couldn’t bring him into this, so I allowed Ira to comfort me. But Ira thought that was his opportunity and moved in to kiss me. The moment I realized the space between us diminishing, I leaned back from him.

“Ira, no.” I pushed him away from me and moved from his arms. I took a few deep breaths and got into work mode. I needed to, or else, shit, I was going to lose it. “What’s the plan?”

Ira grinned at me and rubbed his hands together. “This is just like old times, right? It’s you and me, Bonnie and Clyde, at it again.”

I chuckled. “No, not like old times. Look, we need to get out of here. And you need to figure out how the hell you’re going to keep my ass alive.” I pointed at him, saying, “This is
your
fault,
your
mess.”

Ira put his hands up and smiled. “Yeah, yeah. I know. Look, I got it covered. Trust me, okay? You’ll be fine. Let’s go!”