Desperately Seeking Suzanna (22 page)

“It’s not so amusing at the moment if you must know, since she’s angry with me.”

Anger and ladies did seem to go hand in hand—or was that only in
his
dealings with ladies? Sue certainly spent plenty of time angry with him. Of course, in that instance, he deserved her wrath. “It’s difficult to keep them happy, isn’t it?”

“Who?” Thornwood asked with a confused glance.

“Ladies,” Holden supplied.

“Yes, quite.”

Clearly Thornwood didn’t wish to discuss matters regarding the lady. To be honest, Holden didn’t want to discuss Sue, either. For now, she was his secret passion. When would he see her next? The Peppersforth ball? It was too bad, really, that the ball wasn’t this evening. What would come next? Would he chase her from ball to ball, hoping for a private moment with her, until the end of the season? And what then? If her claim was true, she would no longer be within his reach come the end of the season. He couldn’t allow that to happen.

She was his. The thought stunned him.

He blinked into the patchy sunshine shining through the trees. When he told her yesterday he wouldn’t allow her to be carted off to Scotland, he hadn’t been sure how true his words were. After all, how would he save her? But now that the seed of thought had taken root in his mind, it wouldn’t leave him. She was his.

Everything seemed so simple now. Why hadn’t he seen it before? She belonged with him. He wouldn’t need to wait and hope for a private moment with her. He could have her at his side every night. Of course there would be preparations to be made before he spoke of it with her, but surely he could have things in place by tomorrow night’s ball. He urged his horse forward. He had plans to see to and not many hours between now and tomorrow. Soon Sue Green would be his—forever.

***

“Fezawald, I trust you survived my absence.” Holden handed the man his hat with a smile.

“Only just, my lord.”

Holden began walking toward the library door. He would wash the road dirt off and change later. Right now, there was much to do and little time. He turned back to the butler with his hand on the doorknob. “Would you send for my man of business? I find I’m in need of new living arrangements.”

“Oh? Are we leaving, my lord? So soon? It wouldn’t hurt you to stay somewhere longer than a fortnight, you know. The world would not indeed end, as you believe.”

“We are staying, Fezawald, so you can end your lecture. Thank you.”

“Very well, my lord. You know my dislike of packing.”

His mother stepped out of the open parlor door. “I won’t go to another hospital!”

“Mother,” he grated as she entered the hall. “It is true that you cannot remain in my home forever. You will receive far better care with a doctor than I can provide. However, I was speaking of another residence here in London.”

“I am your mother! You can’t send me away! Why, you ungrateful…”

“Ungrateful?” he snapped at her. “For what, precisely? The destruction of my life?”

“Everything I’ve ever done has been for you.”

“No, you will not cast that charge on me,” he grated. He’d been pushed too far. His hospitality had its bounds, and she was several steps over that line. “My own father has blamed me for your transgressions my entire life. You show up here seeking shelter, and when I take you in, you take advantage of the situation by attending a ball? And you call me ungrateful.”

Her eyes narrowed on him, creating deep lines of disapproval on her face. “How you disappoint me, Holden. I came here only to be close to you, to know my own son.”

He took a step closer to her, his eyes never leaving hers. She’d cast a dark shadow over most of his life, but she wouldn’t be doing such a thing any longer. Enough with his desire to understand her. This was too high a price to pay for knowing one’s mother. “Father was right about you.”

She swallowed and backed away from him half a step. “I can see I am no longer welcome here.”

“This arrangement was never permanent.”

“Let me know the house you find for me, and I will begin to staff it properly. If you insist on sending me away, I suppose I will comply,” she returned, her chin raised as she shot Fezawald a look of disgust.

“The house isn’t for you. I have a friend in need of new arrangements.”

She turned her attention back to Holden. “One of your whores?”

He pushed her against the door casing, holding her there with his forearm.

“You will never speak that way of anyone of my acquaintance again!”

“Oh, I see.” She smiled. “It’s that little chit, isn’t it? That’s who you’ve chosen over your family.”

He released her and stepped away. “My cousins are my family. Fezawald is my family. My staff is my family. Unfortunately, you are nothing but a bad memory.”

A silence fell in the hall, yet he knew the echoes of this conversation would be felt for years to come. He didn’t move. He’d said what needed to be said, and he was wasting precious time on her—time he didn’t have.

“I can see now I have no place here. If you’ll excuse me, I have some things I need to see to.”

For the first time in his life, Holden stood still and watched as someone walked from his life. Her hold on him was gone and soon she would be gone, too.

The Peppersforth ball was always a grand affair, but tonight Sue didn’t have a care for the garlands draped across the ballroom ceiling, had barely noticed the orchestral music in the air, and had yet to try the sweets in the adjacent parlor. Her eyes swept the room in search of blond hair and sinful eyes. Sue smoothed her skirts out again and bit at her lip.

She hadn’t seen Holden since the Amberstall party, and that had been days ago. She’d lain awake nights since then, the same questions rolling about in her mind and knocking all other thoughts away. Where were things headed with Holden? Did he love her? Would it matter if he did? Even after ripping the situation apart from every angle, she still wasn’t sure of the answers. She touched her hair to ensure it hadn’t escaped the confines of the pearl-tipped pins.

Evangeline glanced in her sister’s direction over the rim of a champagne glass. She’d been at Sue’s side thus far this evening since Mother was at home feeling under the weather. “What are you fussing over?”

“Evangeline, do I look presentable this evening?”

“Yes. The cream silk actually brightens your eyes a bit.”

“Truly?” Sue looked up from tugging her glove into place.

“Why are you concerned over your appearance tonight? You would attend balls in your artist’s apron, if allowed.”

Sue folded her hands before her and scanned the room again. “No reason.”

“Very well, keep your secrets. I have plenty already,” Evangeline stated and turned to walk away.

“I will, thank you. Wait. Evie, what secrets do you have already?” But she was gone before Sue could find out more.

She only stared after her sister’s retreating form for a moment, watching her round the corner into the main hall, before she turned back to the dance floor. Colors swirled before her eyes as ladies twirled around the floor in search of some existence beyond their own. Hope. Was that what flooded through her veins this evening? Perhaps. She smiled out across the dancers. Maybe they would all find what they were looking for tonight.

Warmth spread down her arm as someone trailed fingers across the exposed skin above her glove. “I thought I might find you here.”

She turned and grinned up at Holden. He was always devastatingly handsome in formal wear. “Well, go on and ask me for a dance so I might refuse you.”

“I’m counting on it. Let’s go to the terrace.” He reached for her elbow.

“Aren’t you getting a bit ahead of yourself?”

Sighing, he muttered, “Very well.” He offered her a bow with an extra flourish of his arm, the charm of which was lost with the roll of his eyes. “Miss Green, may I have the pleasure of this dance?”

She raised her chin in perfect imitation of her sister. “You don’t seem very sincere, my lord. Therefore, I’m forced to refuse you.”

“Thank you. Now let’s go to the terrace.” He grabbed her elbow and pulled her toward the doors.

“What’s on the terrace?” she asked as she scurried behind him in an effort to keep up.

“We are.” He grinned down at her as he pulled her out the doors into the chill of night.

“Indeed.” She glanced around to see who was enjoying the air as well, only to discover they were alone. As the cool air began to blow through her gown, she realized why they were the only ones braving the terrace this evening. She wrapped her hands across her chest in an attempt at warmth.

Holden shed his coat and draped it around her shoulders in one fluid motion. “Better?” It was far too large for her, swallowing her whole. She was surrounded with the spicy scent of him and the warmth of his body. She inhaled a slow breath, trying to memorize the moment. The crisp breeze on her face, his eyes fixed on hers. She could see the tension in his muscles. Her questions would be answered tonight; she could feel it in the air.

“Sue, I’ve given much thought to the issue you spoke of while we were in the country.”

“You mean the small issue of my future falling apart within a matter of weeks?” Her voice sounded tight, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Yes, that issue. I have a solution.”

“Do you?” Her heart threatened to beat out of her chest. This was it. Her entire life had led her to this moment.

“Indeed. Sue, as I said before, I’ve given this a great deal of thought. I think I’ve known I desired this longer that I care to admit. The truth is, Sue, ever since I saw you that night dancing down the stairs, I’ve wanted to keep you in my life. The very thought of you leaving to spend the rest of your days chatting with some distant relative in the north…” Anxiety mixed with determination flared in his eyes. He stepped closer, running his hands down her arms as if to assure himself she was still there. “Sue, it cannot happen.”

“What are you saying?” She wanted to be in his life as well. Yes! This was everything she wanted. Holden, day and night, Holden.

“Sue, I’ve come to care for you, your constant chatter, the way you see beauty in everything.” His thumb rubbed across her wrist where her pulse beat with wild abandon.

This was it. Holden was offering her marriage. Had he spoken with Father yet? He cared for her. It wasn’t love but perhaps one day it would grow to be so. She would wake to his face every morning and fall asleep in his arms every night. They would have children and a life together. She could hardly believe it.

“I want to feed you chocolates in bed, Sue. I want to go to the theater with you on my arm. I want to lie on blankets in the grass while you paint in the sunshine.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Sue, I want you in my life.” He lifted one hand to tuck a fallen lock of her hair behind her ear. “I want everyone to know you are mine. Any oversight of you in the past will never happen again. Sue, Suzanna, whatever you wish to be called, I don’t care. I want you—the real you, red paint up your arms and all.”

“Yes.” She’d only said one word but within that word was an idea. She loved him. She loved this man. Had this love fallen on her like a heavy rain, or embraced her over time like steady mist? She didn’t know, but she knew the truth of it now. She loved him and they would be married.

“I’ll protect you. Your family will never hurt you again. I bought you something this afternoon in hopes that you would want it as much as I do.”

She only nodded, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

“I can’t wait to show it all to you. It’s a bit cozy, but there’s enough room for an art studio on the third floor. It’s near the park and just around the corner from my home. I’ll be able to visit you as often as you like.”

His home? Wouldn’t it be their home? “We wouldn’t live together?”

“As much as I hate convention, it simply isn’t done to live under the same roof as one’s mistress.”

“Oh. I see.” She ripped her hand from his grasp. His mistress? That’s what he wanted? The air was sucked from her lungs, and she struggled to find room for it there again. His mistress. She’d thought he wanted…that he was going to ask…

“Sue, I’ll be with you almost every night. And you’ll be free to paint during the days.”

“That is true.” She needed to leave. She pulled at his coat weighing heavy on her shoulders, the wool now scratching her skin. The dark of night was closing in on her. She needed air. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe.

“Is something wrong? I’m sure once you see the house you’ll feel better about things. I can take you there tomorrow. Perhaps even tonight?”

“No.”

“All right, tomorrow then. I suppose I can wait
one
more day to be with you.”

“No!” She heard her voice pierce the night, tearing with it shards of her heart.

“No?”

“No.” She ripped the coat from her shoulders. With another “No,” she slammed it into his chest. “No, no, no,” she stammered with angry punches to his arm. How could he do this to her? Was that how he saw her? How he would always see her? She was such a fool. She turned and stepped away from him into the cold of the night. Tears now fell down her cheeks, leaving cold trails in their wake. She didn’t bother brushing them away. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, for all was over.

“Sue,” he murmured at her back.

She turned to face him one last time. Shivering, sniffing, and with tears falling in a steady stream down her face, she spoke. Her words were as hollow as her heart. “Holden, there was a time not too long ago that your offer would have been grand, and I believe I would have said yes.”

“But not now.”

She shook her head, feeling strands of her hair slip as she did so. “And it’s your fault.” She inhaled on a gasping sob. “You made me see my life for what it is—what I possess and what I deserve. And I deserve more. I want more.”

“I want to be with you. I’ll come to you every night if you wish it.” He stepped forward, pulling out a handkerchief for her, but she pushed his hand away.

“That’s not enough, not for me. Not now. Can’t you see that?” Her voice was strained through her tears.

“What can I offer you to make you come with me?” Desperation showed in his eyes as he reached for her.

She took a step away from him. “If the answer to that question isn’t clear, there isn’t anything I can say to make you see. That’s your problem, you know.
You
never
see!
”

“Marriage? Is that what you want? I thought you’d given up on that idea.” He shook his head in confusion.

“It would appear I haven’t,” she cried.

The moment strung out between them, colder than the night around them and colder than the sea in winter. His face was colder still as he said, “I can’t marry you.”

There was no recourse. No turning back. He’d left her no choice. “Then I must leave.”

“But we belong together. You’re perfect when you’re in my arms. You know I’m right.”

“Am I not perfect just as I am?”

“Of course you are. I didn’t mean… Damn it all, Sue, I need you.”

“I can’t!” she exclaimed as she turned for the door to the ballroom. She needed to be away from him. It was over, and staying for another minute wouldn’t change that. She was shaking as she stepped through the door to the warmth of the ballroom.

“Sue, wait. Sue!
Sue!
”

She didn’t stay to hear any more. She was already running.

***

The cool air blew pieces of Sue’s hair across her face and lifted her hat from her head. With an adjustment to the pin holding the flowered thing to her hair, she rounded the bend in the path leading back to the park’s entrance. She’d hoped the brisk walk and fresh air would clear her mind, yet her thoughts were just as muddled as they had been earlier.

She’d only taken a few steps when she saw a familiar figure ambling toward her. Drat her luck. It was that crazy Henrietta woman. Lady Pemberton, wasn’t that her name? Why did she think they were friends? There was nothing wrong with Henrietta, but there was something not quite right. This was what Sue got in return for talking too much to people she didn’t know. “Good afternoon, Lady Pemberton. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

Henrietta’s mouth drew up into a pleased grin as if she’d just been handed a large slice of cake. “You would do well to be more observant. I see you here every day. You always walk clockwise around the path twice before returning to your home for tea.”

Sue shifted on her feet and glanced around. That sounded like the woman had been following her, but surely not. She was being ridiculous. “Henrietta, I find it rather disconcerting to discover I’m so predictable.”

“Pattern and routine are the foundations of life.”

“I’ve always thought the foundations of life were art and chocolate.”

Henrietta chuckled in a forced titter. “Yes, you enjoy drawing, don’t you? I’ve watched you sketch in your notebook.”

“Have you?” Sue glanced behind the woman blocking her path, counting the seconds until she could get away.

“Oh indeed.” Henrietta tsked through pursed lips. “You don’t remember the last time we spoke in the park?”

“Certainly, I remember,” Sue bluffed with a smile. “I’d simply forgotten I had my sketch pad with me that day.”

“Cavorting with gentlemen will do that to a lady’s mind.”

Cavorting? That sounded awful. She had to be referring to the afternoon with Holden, for no other gentleman ever spoke to her. However, she’d only chatted with Holden that day. Of course, none of that mattered anymore. She didn’t want to think of him, and she certainly didn’t want to discuss him. “I’m fairly certain I didn’t cavort. And he is no longer my friend anyway.”

“Is he not? The two of you looked quite cozy on the bench that day.” She gave Sue a coy wink that would have turned heads thirty years prior.

“That was before…and much after…” She didn’t want to talk about this, not now, not ever. “It’s a long story with an unhappy ending.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. I saw the way he looked at you.” Henrietta’s hands were clenched before her in a white-knuckled grasp.

Sue didn’t want to ask the question flying to her lips. She didn’t want to know. But she was already speaking before she regained control of her tongue. “How? How did he look at me?”

“With desire, of course.” She looked disgusted by the thought, but then Henrietta was a bit off when it came to the subject of relationships. “Pretty young thing like you should be used to such attention.”

“Unfortunately, I discovered later that desire was all that existed with that particular gentleman.”

“Many a marriage has been built upon less.”

“If you don’t mind, can we speak of something else?”

Henrietta’s tone softened in an instant. “How inconsiderate of me, dear. You must be distraught. Clearly you still have feelings for the man. And I would wager the air you breathe that he has feelings for you as well.” Her jaw twisted up into a smile. “My home is just down the street. Come and have a cup of tea with me. You’ll feel right as rain after a cup of tea.”

“Thank you, but I need to return home.” Tea with Henrietta was too much on a day like today. She truly couldn’t imagine a worse fate at the moment.

“Your mother and sister passed by in a carriage not ten minutes ago on their way to see and be seen along Rotten Row. No one waits for you at home.”