Destination Connelly (21 page)

“Point made. Now go,” Connelly gruffs.

“I’m not leaving without Nora.” Mira looks past me, staring down the angry bear behind me with zero fear.

A hot, pungent wash of alcohol reaches my nostrils when he blows out a long frustrated breath. But what cuts me to the quick are his callous, heartless words that I will carry with me for eternity, even in death.

“You can fucking have her. There’s nothing here for her anymore.”

C
onn

“
H
e’s here
!” I hear my twin yell to someone.

I sigh, knowing it was just a matter of time before they found me. It’s what we do. One of us spirals out of the sky in a plume of smoke and ash and the others are there with a fire hose. It’s what I love about us. Our camaraderie, our bond. The fact we know when someone needs the other without even asking.

But as much as I love it, I hate it equally when I’m on the receiving end. I’m not ready for purging yet. I’ve barely wrapped my own mind around the fact that I have a daughter. A child who has grown up without me. Who doesn’t even know I’m her father, for the love of Christ. I can hardly breathe when I remember the only woman I’ve ever loved has committed an incomprehensible betrayal, completely fucking me over in the process. Days later, I still cannot wrap my head around it. Any of it.

My heart feels shredded. Black. My mind a jumble of unanswered questions. I can’t handle Ash right now. I can’t handle anyone. I’m so goddamned furious, I could drown Nora’s duplicity and deception in a bottle—or twelve—of Macallan. Hell, I was well on my way in my apartment the other day when I stopped cold; if I’d let myself sink into the warm oblivion of alcohol, I may never have found the surface again.

I did that once. Look where I am because of it.

So I came here instead, hoping fourteen-hour days of manual labor would drive me to exhaustion and help me find the clarity I need.

It hasn’t.

Nothing can, I’ve decided.

For the three days, I’ve been here trying to work out what the hell my next move is, all I’ve managed to do is to get myself in over my head in a completely different way.

I sit back on my haunches, my eyes glazing over the mess before me. The uncovered subfloor and broken stone pieces in the corner mock me. With each inhale I take in dust and failure. I seem to remember laying tile was a bit easier than this.

“Home improvement time?” Ash drawls from behind me.

“Yep,” I answer plainly, not bothering to make a move.

“Phone broken?”

Nope. Just had it off.

“I left instructions with Lydia.”

“Out of the office due to a death in the family?” he snorts. “Rather cryptic don’t you think? And how come I didn’t know about this little family mishap?”

Damn her. “She wasn’t supposed to tell you that.” She was supposed to tell my brothers I’d been called out of town on an emergency business trip and she didn’t know when I’d be back. She was supposed to tell everyone else of a family death so they’d leave me the fuck alone.

“She didn’t,” he says lightly, stepping around me into the debacle I’ve created. “Got a call from Fred Callahan wondering where he could send flowers in condolence.”

Shit. Didn’t think that all the way through.

Brushing my dusty hands off on my dirty jeans, I roll back to my heels and stand, my aching thighs protesting the entire way up. “How’d you find me?”

“Mac.” Good ol’ trusty Mac. Our
Mackinac Island groundskeeper. “He called on Saturday because he saw a light on in the house and wasn’t aware anyone was coming. When I couldn’t get ahold of you, I put two and two together.”

I raise my head and take my first look at my twin. I wonder if he’ll be able to see the anguish raging like a storm in my soul. I wonder if I look different on the outside now that I’m a father. “So you’ve known I’ve been here for three days?”

He nods, eyeing me carefully. He’s trying to work out the puzzle of my disappearance. I don’t run. I face challenges head-on. I’m the levelheaded one. I talk problems out. I see reason, believe in the whole “don’t go to bed mad” theory. I yank other people’s heads out of
their
asses for them. I’m not generally the one with my head shoved up my own or in the damn sand.

But for the life of me, I can’t work this mess out.

I want her pain, her suffering, her pride.

I want to absolutely fucking ruin her.

Most of all, though…I want my life back the way it was.

Don’t I?

I don’t know and therein lies the problem. I don’t know which way is up, down, or sideways. Part of me wants to rewind to just a few days ago when I was blissfully happy and ignorant. Another part of me wonders how long Nora would have gone without saying a word had I not caught her red-handed.

Out of my periphery I see my other two brothers saunter up and hang out against the wall opposite the bathroom I’ve been trying to remodel.
Trying
being the operative word.

“This an intervention?” I ask with a little derision, pissed they can’t just leave me be.

“That depends,” Luke brogues, stuffing his hands in his jeans pockets. “You need one?”

“What I need,” I start, “is some help putting in this goddamned floor.”

The three of them exchange a look like I’ve just asked them to each donate a kidney to the black market. But in true Colloway brother spirit, without a word they shrug off their coats, roll up their sleeves, and we get to work in utter silence.

Five hours later we all stand back, admiring our handiwork. It would have taken me another week to get this damn floor laid and quite honestly, I’m not sure I didn’t need the time. Now my excuse for being here has just run out. The upstairs bathroom countertop has a chip in it. Maybe I could replace that.

“I don’t know about anybody else, but I need a fucking beer,” Luke announces, making his way to the kitchen.

“Grab four,” Gray yells after him.

“Don’t you guys have somewhere to be?”
Like with your happy, perfect families?

“All right. I’ve kept my mouth shut long enough,” Ash drones. “What the fuck is going on, Conn?”

“If I wanted to talk about it, you’d know by now,” I retort hotly, pushing my way past him and Gray. I stride into the kitchen and grab an open bottle of beer, chugging half the contents in one swallow.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with Nora looking like she had to just bury her puppy, would it?”

Christ. Just hearing her name almost causes my knees to buckle in anguish. Yet why does part of me feel vindicated and elated that she’s suffering just as much as I am? No…there’s no way in hell her pain equals mine.
I
was the one left in the dark.
I
was the one fucked over, not her.

“Not sure what you didn’t understand the first time, brother.” I find myself slumping into a chair wishing I was anywhere else but here right now.

“I understand when emotions get too hard for you to handle, instead of numbing yourself with alcohol like normal people do, you numb yourself with a hands-on project,” Ash challenges. Can’t deny that one. My mother has a whole new set of cabinets in the garage she never needed or wanted when I found out I’d never play basketball again.

“I also know a brother suffering when I see one,” Gray adds with concern, sliding into an empty space across from me.

“Look,” I breathe in and out heavily, “I appreciate your concern. I appreciate you all driving out here to check on me. Truly I do, but I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”

“This is about Nora, though, right?”

“What part of I’m not ready to talk can’t you wrap your head around, Ash?”

The corner of Ash’s mouth ticks up. I look away, not even able to drum up the energy to fire off a threat about wiping it off.

“Do you remember what you told me when I’d run to New York after I found out Livvy had been married?” Gray asks me pointedly. I don’t remember the exact words, only the gist. Gray was an emotional wreck. He needed support, but he also needed a goddamned kick in the pants. He needed the truth. Suddenly I don’t like where this is going. My situation is nothing like the one he and Livia went through.

Before I have a chance to say a word, Gray continues. “You told me I had that gleam I’d been missing back in my eyes since I reunited with Livvy. You told me to talk to her. Find out the truth. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear that I’d at least have closure. You were right. Without you pushing me to make that first step, I’m not sure I would have Livvy right now. Since Red has been back in the picture,
you
have that gleam, Conn. I’ve never seen one on you before. Whatever’s going on, you need to face it, not run from it. Face it so you can end it, no matter what that end is.”

I snort at his insinuation there’s actually an ending for me here. There is no end, only the beginning of a new life I’m nowhere near prepared for.

Asher’s phone rings, interrupting us. He answers immediately, talking soft and soothing. His tone is filled with love and concern. I catch a few words here and there, but the one that sticks out is “nauseous.” When Ash gives us a look—a worried but thrilled look—as he asks Alyse if she’s eaten anything, I know something’s up.

“Alyse sick?” I ask when he hangs up, the temporary diversion from my own problems welcome.

My twin’s face lights up like a kid on Christmas morning. “Uh…yeah,” he answers sheepishly. “Has been for the past eleven weeks.”

“Eleven weeks?” I parrot on a panic before my brain catches up.

“Well I’ll be damned, Ash. Congrats,” Gray beams, standing to clasp him in a bear hug.

“Thanks, man. I was going to tell you guys next week after we passed the magical twelve-week mark. I wanted to tell you before, but Alyse wouldn’t let me.”

Holy shit. I’m dumbfounded. Alyse is pregnant.
Pregnant
. My twin is going to be a father, just like Gray. Just like
me
, I remember.

A rush of intense emotion courses through me and I’m not sure which I feel more acutely. Happiness for my brother or envy that he’ll get to experience something stolen from me.

I never got to watch Nora’s belly grow or comfort her if she was sick. I didn’t get to watch my daughter being born or rub Nora’s back through hours of excruciating labor. I didn’t get to experience sleep deprivation or the joy of rocking my innocent newborn to sleep.

Nora’s selfishness caused me to miss Hazel’s first words, her first steps, her first day of school. Teaching her to count or how to read. I never had the chance to comfort her when she had a cold, punish her for a temper tantrum, or leave money under her pillow when she lost her first tooth. I don’t know the first thing about my daughter and she sure as shit doesn’t know me.

I’m not sure how I’ll ever forgive Nora for this cutting treachery. I honestly don’t know if I have that depth inside me.

Seems taking myself out of Chicago for a few days has provided me absolutely no more answers than when I came. I didn’t expect it would.

I realize I’ve been too silent while Gray and Luke give their congratulations, so I mumble, “Congrats, Ash.”

“Wow, that came from the heart,” my twin replies snidely.

“I’m sorry,” I say, before he lays into me. I try to muster more enthusiasm. “I’m really happy for you two, brother. Truly. You both deserve this.”

He nods, replying softly, “Thanks. Alyse has been an emotional mess. Cries at fucking commercials for Christ’s sakes. And I’m not talking about those dogs or cats that have been abused or kids in third-world countries who are undernourished. I’m talking about Kleenex commercials, Conn. Tissues. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through these next few months.” He scrubs his face with his hand. I want to laugh but there’s no possible way I could force my lips in the upward direction.

“Be lucky you have that chance,” I mumble.

“What’s going on, Conn? You forget to wrap it up and get some woman pregnant?” he retorts on a chuckle.

My head snaps in his direction. I swallow hard a couple of times before I can speak. “Why would you say that?”

His laugh dies a quick death when he realizes he’s hit smack in the center of the bull’s-eye. “Oh, shit. You’re kidding me.”

I purse my lips. Unable to admit. Powerless to deny.

Luke chokes on the drink he’s taking. I see a few drops filter through his nose and drip onto the countertop. Any other time I’d give him shit because that has to burn like a mother. But I don’t. There’s nothing funny about what I just silently confessed. He coughs a few times to clear his lungs and then the room drops into a deafening hum.

“You have a kid?” Ash breathes in astonishment.

I nod. I don’t know what else to do.

“With…”

He leaves the question congealing between the four of us. It feels claustrophobic and sticky. It’s fair, I guess. I’ve been with a lot of women and even though I’ve been extremely careful, always suiting up, accidents happen. Hell, I’ve even had a couple of women try to shake me down. One went to the press with her bogus story, which later turned out unfounded.

But I wasn’t exactly careful with Nora that first time, was I?

Why, oh why, does this feel so much better than the last time? Then it hits me.

“You don’t have a condom on,” she gasps on a choppy breath at the same time I realize I’m riding her bareback. Christ, it feels good. So damn good.

“Shit. I can’t stop, Nora. I’ll pull out.” She doesn’t protest so I don’t stop.

I pulled out all right. I’ll never forget how Nora looked with my come strung all over belly. Apparently I wasn’t fast enough, though. Welp…guess cat’s out of the bag now. May as well go all the way. “Nora,” I practically whisper.

You could hear a pin drop a state away before all three of my brothers curse simultaneously, “Fuck.”

Ash and Luke come sit down with Gray and me. It’s awkward. I thought maybe once I confessed it out loud it would feel real. It doesn’t. And the last three days of trying to cope have just evaporated like a glass of water in the sun.

Then Ash starts peppering me with questions I have no answers to. He sounds as confused as I feel.

“Are you kidding me, Conn?”

“I wish I was.” Why does saying that make me feel bad? It’s one thing to have a woman come to you telling you she’s knocked up; it’s quite another to see that life standing, breathing,
thriving
right in front of your eyes. Saying I wish I was kidding is akin to wishing she wasn’t here. I don’t even know her, yet I already know I could never wish a piece of me wasn’t walking the earth. I can’t believe I ever did before.