Determined To Live (5 page)

"Oh
bullshit
!
You didn't shoot her. Someone else must have. You
couldn't
have done it," Will insists.

I love Will -
and his loyalty - but this time, I wish he would just accept the
truth.

I
murdered
Sara!

"After
what she
did
,
I can't see how anyone can be upset at you for doing it. We all, at
one time or another, wanted to," Jake says.

"Yeah,
but no one actually
did
.
No one but me," I tell him. "What the hell is wrong with
me? And why can't I
remember
?
Rose thinks the bi-polar just took over and I blacked out while I was
with Sara. I guess that's probably how it happened, considering I
can't remember leaving her."

"That, or
maybe all the head trauma you've had. Don't beat yourself up over it,
Canada. It's not your fault. You had no control over it, so just
stop. They're your family, they'll understand. They love you,"
Jake tells me.

I look at Will,
who's become silent. He's just staring at me; no real expression on
his face.

"Will?
What about you? Do
you
still love me? Do you still want to be around me?"

Will places his
hands on each side of my face. "Of course I do. I'll always love
you. And I still don't believe you did it." He lightly shakes my
head with his hands when I open my mouth to protest. "No! Don't
even try to change my mind. I mean it, Canada, I don't believe it.
And even if I did, it wouldn't change how I feel about you."

I give Will a weak
smile, but keep my mouth shut. Jake climbs over the seat, starts the
truck back up, and gets us moving again. I sit up and give Will room
to sit beside me. He wraps his arm around me, and we say nothing.

Will is certain
I'm innocent.
Me? Not so much.

I try my best to
not think about it.

There's nothing
I can do about it now anyway, right?

I mean, it's
done. I can't bring her back.

But...oh my God!

I
killed
someone!

Killing zombies
is one thing, but a living human being?

How could I have
done that, even as mentally screwed up as I am?

Stop it!

Just forget it.

There is
absolutely
nothing
you can do about it now!

Easier said than
done.

But I'm going to
do my best. I need to stay focused, I need to get my kids back.

I need to keep
us all alive.

Just before we
cross the highway and enter Hill City -
technically
I wouldn't even go so far as to call it a city, more of a town -
Jake
pulls into a gas station and then up next to the pumps.
There
are half a dozen undead stumbling around in the parking lot, and
about the same amount inside the store - that I can see, anyway. Jake
and Will both get out of the truck, but I stay inside.
Not
as if my handicapped ass can do much to help anyway.

I keep my attention
on Will and any undead that's an immediate threat to him. These are
the original - the "
normal
"
- zombies. I never thought I would be grateful to see these hideous
things, but the new and improved version is much worse because we
don't know a damn thing about them - and they're fast!

Did I mention
they're fast? Just making sure.

Will walks around
the truck and meets Jake by the pumps. Jake inserts the nozzle into
the truck, and lets out a few swear words when he remembers it has to
be approved and turned on by someone inside.

I lower my window
halfway and watch as the guys shoot their way to the front door. I
roll it back up when a zombie notices me and heads in my direction.
His body jerks and sways as he makes his way to my window, where he
presses his face against the glass. I just sit there on my own side
and watch him with disinterest. I realize that just a few weeks ago -
Days? Damn, I don't even
know!
- if some man had
come up and started licking my window like this, I would have been
terrified.

But now?

I roll my window
down enough to get the barrel out.

I just shoot
them.

BANG!

Bye, bitch.

My God! Why the
hell did I ever think this zombie shit would be fun? I know I've told
you before, but this really sucks.

Yeah, yeah.
Bites.

Whatever.

Headlights coming
down the highway from the overpass jerk me out of my depressing
thoughts. I lean forward and stare hard at the rusty white truck
filled with men in the front and in the bed of the truck, all of them
holding shotguns. I watch as they shoot every undead they get near.
Their yells and hollers attract the zombies to them in groups.

Oh, this can't
be good!

A
car with a woman and a man pull up to the stop sign on the ramp from
the highway, waiting for the truck to pass so they can safely turn.
To my horror, the men in the truck swing their shotguns at the
car...
and start
shooting
!

I see the woman's
head slam back against her seat before banging against the dash. The
man is lying over the steering wheel. The truck stops, and the men
jump out of the back. They run to the car and start taking stuff out
of it, throwing it in their own vehicle. One of them grabs the woman
and flings her out of the car and onto the ground. Bile rises to my
mouth as I watch, unable to turn away.

Until now.

I turn and look
inside the store, watching as Will shoots the last of the undead.
Jake is already at the console turning the pumps on. I look around
and see no undead paying attention to me, as all their attention is
on the fools from the truck. Jake and Will come out of the store and
I open my door.

Frantically, I wave
to get their attention. When I have it, I put my finger to my lips to
signal them to be quiet, and then again frantically motion them to
get over here. They both stay quiet and run to me.

"What's wro―"

"Shh!
We gotta problem. Those guys in the truck just killed two people and
are stealing their stuff. Two
living
people!" I tell them as fast - but as quietly - as I can.

"Are you
kidding me? Those son of a bitches! I'm gonna kill 'em!" Jake
says.

"Jake, no! We
have frikken gas pumps right next to us. It wouldn't take a whole lot
more than one bullet to blow us the hell up! We've got to come up
with something better, but what?" I ask, my voice shaking with
fear.

The
assholes up the road are even worse than the zombies, because these
assholes can think - not
intelligently,
obviously
- and have weapons in their hands. Those two combined make a highly
dangerous - and deadly - situation.

Will speaks up with
rare authority, causing both Jake and I to jump before we give him
our full attention, "Here's what we're going to do. Canada, get
in the front and be ready to drive, but stay down until I tell you.
Jake get inside the back and scoot over to the passenger side; duck
down, but not all the way. I want you to watch out the window and
keep an eye on them. I'm gonna pump this damn gas."

I'd already started
climbing into the front seat before he could finish, but a flaw in
his plans causes me to stop and whip my head around to him.

"Damn it,
Will! What about the undead? Who's going to protect
your
ass from
them
?"
I ask him.

"
I
will. Now do what I said, damn it!"

Yes, sir! Have I
ever told you how sexy this man is when he gets mad?

I
nod to him and get beneath the wheel, then lean to the side with my
upper body on the seat. It's just starting to turn to dusk outside,
when I suddenly think of the light on the inside roof of the Hummer.
Realizing that the light could give us away as more than just an
abandoned vehicle, I grab my gun and use the grip to bust the
interior light, then fling myself back down. Jake and Will both jump
and let out a few cuss words, but after they realize what I had done
- and
why
- they both tell me "Good girl."

Yea, me! See me
panting and drooling as you pat my furry little head?

Eat shit,
assholes.

It
seems like forever, but finally I hear Will remove the gas nozzle and
twist the gas cap back on the truck. Jake had been giving us updates
on the idiots from the other truck. Since the moment he informed us
that one of the guys was doing unthinkable things to the dead woman's
body, my anger has steadily increased until things start getting
fuzzy for me again. I decide then and there that these men will
not
live. It takes everything I have to force myself to wait for Will.

When he gets in, he
tells Jake and I the rest of his plan; that we're going to try to
make it to the back of the store - headlights off, even though it's
not nearly dark enough for us to use the blackness as cover - then
we're going to hide, because they may come here to get fuel.

Hide? Seriously?

Jake agrees with
every bit of Will's plan.

Guess they
should have thought this through a little better before putting me in
the driver's seat, huh?

I sit up and start
the truck.

Will
leans forward, whispering into my ear, "Ok, honey. Now, slowly
ease the truck on this side of the abandoned cars until you get to
the back. That's it. Nice and ea―
Whoa
!
What the hell are you doing!"

I
slam on the gas, turning the wheel toward the morons standing around
the truck and car - smoking and drinking beer,
frikken
celebrating
-
and the one who had turned my fear to fury. Will and Jake both scream
at me, and Jake throws his upper body over the front seat, making a
grab for the wheel. An elbow to his face takes care of that, and he
sinks into the back seat, now screaming about his "
broken
"
nose. Will is smarter than Jake. He just sits in his seat, eyes wide
with fear and confusion; probably wondering how he lost control so
quickly.

Poor guy.

As
I tear out of the parking lot, the other men look our way and raise
their guns. Will finds his voice again as he and Jake scream at me to
stop and turn around, and ask stupid questions like, "Are you
crazy
?"

Why, yes. Yes I
am.

The other men start
shooting, and the pings of the shots against our Hummer are loud.

Jake and Will
scream even louder, and I start getting one hell of a headache.

"Shut the
bloody hell up! This truck is bullet-proof, you idiots!" I
scream back at them.

But they don't
listen; maybe they're incapable of listening.

As
I near the men, my conscience tries to stop me by reminding me that
I'm against killing living people. I put my nagging conscience in its
place by reminding it I've already killed a living human being. And
who could honestly call any of these disgusting freaks
human
?

With even more
determination, anger, and an "I don't give a damn"
attitude; I press even harder on the gas. The morons make it easy for
me by staying together in a tight group, still shooting. The only one
not in the group in front of me, is the one apparently too involved
in the pleasures of the unresisting woman's dead body, confident in
his buddies' ability to handle whatever problem has come their way.

The one I want
dead the most.

I'm now close
enough to stare right into the eyes of the apparent leader of the
freaks, and I watch with wicked fascination as his eyes widen, just
before I slam the Hummer into him and his buddies.

Throwing
my door open after a few passes back and forth over the men, I tell
Will to give me my crutches. He refuses at first, but when I aim my
gun at him, he changes his mind. I jerk the sticks out of his hands
and start forward. Both men get out, but stay behind me -
protecting
me or scared of me, I don't know which.
At each body I come to, I take one of my crutches and slam it into
their crotch. None of them even flinch, although I hear Jake and Will
gasp each time, feeling sympathy pain in their own crotch as most men
do. Satisfied that the others are dead -
at
least for now
- I start for the one I
really
want.