Deviation (Deviate Series) (11 page)

The idea
was to go to sleep once Angel left me on the bed. I knew this, he knew this, but obviously my body lost the memo. I’ve been lying in this bed for over 4 hours now, the clock reads 4:30 AM, and I haven’t shut my eyes at all. How am I going to go face his mom with no sleep? I’m going to look like a zombie. Thank goodness for makeup.

I feel the bed dip close to me,
and a hand pushes my hair away from my face. A scent I’m all too familiar with invades my senses, arousing me from the dream I was having. I smile and open my eyes to see the subject of the dream smiling down at me.

“Do you know how beautiful you look in the morning when you just wake up?” Angel smiles at me.

“Do you know how much of a creeper you are staring at me while I sleep?” I laugh.

“Are we going to answer a question with a question again
, beautiful?”

“That depends
, Angel, are you going to avoid answering questions?”

“Nope. Anything you want to know I’ll tell you because we have no secretes right?” he asks.

Normally I would let it slide and chalk it up as my insecurities making something out of nothing, but the way he said that makes me wonder what he’s after.

“If there’s something you want to know Angel, then ask me. I don’t appreciate insinuations when I’ve been nothing but truthful to you. Hell
, you know me better than I know myself, so spit it out already,” I say with no emotion.

I scoot away from him because there’s a hundred different ways this conversation can end
, none of them look promising right now. When he just stares at me without saying anything, I get off the bed and walk over to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. What the hell is he after? Why would he think I’m hiding something from him?

Turning the sink on, I brush my teeth, and I’m just about to turn the shower on when there’s a knock at the door.
I’m extremely frustrated with him for assuming I’m hiding something from him, so I ignore the knock. I turn the shower on, pull my shirt over my head, and walk into the shower. The heat from the water is scalding my skin but it’s a welcomed sting. Closing my eyes, I stand underneath the shower head allowing it to block out all the sounds and thoughts running rampant in my head.

I sit down on the shower floor,
wrap my arms around my legs, and let the water pound out all my emotions. There are so many conflicting emotions flowing through my body, and just as a tear escapes. Coldness blows across my skin; I don’t even lift my head from my arms knowing what, or rather, who it is, I do stop the tears because I’m tired of him seeing me like this. I’m not that girl; the one that needs to be saved all the time.

“Do you not understand the concept of a shut door
, Angel? If you knock and no one answer’s it, it means they don’t want to talk. So you can shut the shower door, the bathroom door, and then continue to shut the bedroom door,” my voice comes out muffled.

“No.”

I turn my head to look at him and he’s sitting outside the shower staring right at me,” No?”

He shakes his head, “No. This isn’t going to work if every time we
ask difficult questions, one of us shuts down.”

“Yeah, well maybe we were fools to think it would work to begin with.”

I stand up, ignoring him as I grab the towel to wrap around me, and get out of the shower. I walk to the closet and I can feel him behind me. Close enough that I can feel the heat radiating off his body.
Focus.
I open up the top drawer and select the pink panties with the bra to match. Leaving the towel on, I bend slightly to step into the panties, when I’m stopped and turned around.

“Seriously, can I just get-
“But I’m cut off.

“Neveah, I’m serious about what I asked you earlier. Is there something I need to know?”

“Look, Angel, I have no idea what you are talking about, why don’t you elaborate a little more.” I push away from him, crossing my arms over my chest. “What could I possibly be hiding? You know I’m a foster kid that got abused and raped; you know I’m a recovering addict that has issues. What could I possibly be hiding that you wouldn’t know about?”

He studies
me so intently that I’m questioning whether I’m hiding something.

“Okay
,” he starts to back away.

“Okay? Are you fucking kidding me? Okay? No. It’s not okay, why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on?” I ask
, fuming.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? You’re kidding me right? You know what, have fun at your mom’s house, I’m gone. I won’t be here when you get back.” I pull on the panties and drop the towel to put the bra on.

I grab my old backpack to pull out my old black tank top and my favorite blue jeans. Then I put on my converse and walk around him with my backpack in hand. I’m expecting
him to stop me but he doesn’t. I walk up to the big bean bag and grab the path book, open it up and take out the money that I stashed. Before the accident with Timo, I was able to save up about $700. That’ll get me a room in a hotel for a few nights until I can figure something out.

I walk out
of the room without a backward glance, and head out the front door to my bike. I can only depend on muyself, nothing’s changed, and I should’ve known that. It was all lies. I get on the bike, turn it on, and allow myself a moment to shed a few tears. Because let’s face it, without him I wouldn’t be true to myself now. I wouldn’t have the strength to face the world sober. So maybe at the end of the day that’s all it was supposed to be. I guess I was right when I said you can’t fall in love in 7 days. The thing is, it’s been about 7 weeks and the worst week is on the horizon. My birthday is in 3 days. That week is going to be the hardest to face alone. I just hope I can keep it together.

I never thought it would be so hard to drive away from a place before. I knew it would be hard to leave Angel because I was the idiot who fell in love, but I didn’t know it was going to be like this. This raw, aching pain, and no matter what I do, it won’t stop. I know exactly what will numb it, but the question is; do I want to go back down that path? Do I want to deviate from the right path, the path I just go back to?

That’s what we
, humans, do. We constantly see other paths, and we think they’re better so we deviate. Deviation: constant changing, never ending, never standing still. It’s like the world, how it sits on an axis but rotates slowly enough for it to go unnoticed, that’s how we are, well at least how I am…or was. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I let Angel become my gravity, the force that held me in place despite the turning. Now with him gone, I feel like I can spin off into the universe and get lost among the stars.

But I won’t do that. If I can
take anything from him, the one thing that was true, it’s his belief that I’m better than that. I will try my hardest to stay true, even if it feels like a million knives are constantly being stabbed through my heart. I’m sure this room has seen its fair share of spilt blood. It looks like it. They can change the sheets, paint the walls, but it doesn’t hide the aura in this room. When I left Angel’s gorgeous house, my comfortable room, and clothes, I ended up here, a rundown motel that screams crack whore and drug dealer- R-us. But it’s what I can afford and it’s across from the cemetery where my family lies, far enough away from him that I don’t have to worry about running into him.

It’s been two days
, two long days without him. I still work with Martha at the coffee house, and the boys know I’m single now, so they try to get me to come out but the appeal isn’t there. Maybe in time I’ll be able to, but there’s too much temptation. My resolve isn’t strong enough right now to take chances. I’m off tomorrow, August 8, 2013, for my 22
nd
birthday. It’s a Thursday, but Martha knows what day it is so she gave me the next 3 days off. I’ve been staring at the popcorn ceiling debating on which flowers to lay on my family’s graves when I go to the cemetery tomorrow. It’s going to be the first time in 9 years that I’m going to go see them and I’m completely freaking out.

I grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge, put it in my backpack, along with anything else I value
, which isn’t much, jump on my bike and ride. I get on the loop and just keep going around and around until it’s dark out. The speed and adrenaline chase away any doubts I had about going. I need to go. I owe it to them, so on the way back to my room I stop at the Walmart and pick up 2 bundles of wild flowers and a dozen red roses. They were my mom’s favorite. Once I get to the room, I place them in the ice bin with some water to hold until the morning and sit in one of the chairs by the table.

All the thoughts
I have of picking up some pills from my neighbor are flashing through my mind. I could do that. Go take all of what he has, show up at the cemetery to apologize to them, and then take the pills. Overdose while I’m with them, maybe then it’ll work. Maybe then I can be with my family. So that’s exactly what I do. I take a hundred dollar bill out of my pocket, walk three doors down, knock twice and tell him to give me 100 bucks worth of whatever combination of pills will be sure to keep me from waking up. He hands me two baggies filled with all different types of pills and for the first time since I walked away from Angel, I smile.

I wake up from my first night’s sleep, put the flowers in my backpack with the pills next to them, add a bottle of water, and finally a note.
A note addressed to Angel, so when they find me they know who to give it to. I finally feel like this is the moment. The moment when I finally deviated from my path enough times that no more chances will be offered. I drive through the gates of Whisper Cemetery and the stillness that only comes with death beckons me. The fact that no one is here is perfect. I make a right down the first street, go past 3 other streets and make a left onto the 4
th
one. I follow it all the way to the end, to the back of the cemetery where my family has their plots. All of the Rogers are lined up. My mom and dad share a headstone, my sister’s is to the right, and then there’s an empty space on the left. My plot, the plot that will be filled shortly.

I pull the flowers out
and walk to my sister first. ”Lily, I’m so sorry. I wish I could have traded places with you. You were the one that was so full of life and I’m just wasting mine. I hope that you can forgive me one day. I love you and I’ll see you soon.” I place the flowers in front of the headstone. Lily Rogers is framed with angel wings; kissing my fingers, I touch them to her name.

I sit down in front of my parents. I place the other set of wild flowers in front of my dad’s name and then put the roses in front of my mom. The tears flow freely now, no end in sight. I can’t speak to them like I did with Lily, but somehow I know they can hear me either way.

“I’m sorry.”

Pulling the pills out
, I start chasing handfuls of them down with the bottle of water I brought with me. The contents of the first bag lies within my stomach and I’m getting ready to work on the second one when I hear a car door slam shut. It’s too late. I start rushing to take the rest of the pills before the person can get to me and just when I’m about to take the final handful with my last gulp of water, the pills are slapped out of my hand. But it’s too late already. I can feel their reaction striking mutiny within me. A fire is blazing its way through me, racing to reach my heart, when my body starts to get heavy. I drop the bottle of water and watch the clear liquid spill out and disappear into the ground. The letter I wrote to Angel is still clutched in the hand that was holding the baggie, but I’m not able to hold it anymore. As my body sinks to the ground and I look up into those blue eyes I fell in love with, my hand reaches toward his feet and I drop the letter there, and then close my eyes.

I can feel him picking up the letter. The letter that said:

Angel,

Thank you for everything. Thank you for teaching me that I can love even when I thought I was incapable of it. But most importantly thank you for teaching me that I was worth it, even if it wasn’t good enough in the end. I don’t regret one moment we spent together. Each day was a new experience for me and I cherished
all of it. The arguing, the cast, the kisses, the food fight, and the end. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I knew then like I knew before, we were only going to bring each other pain.

If you see Elise tell her I said I’ll miss her and to change her life around, she
deserves better. Be happy Angel, you were never more handsome then the times you smiled. But live life, don’t shut yourself out. You are truly magnificent, never forget that. And don’t forget that I love you. That was always the truth.

Always yours, Nevaeh

I can feel my bo
dy being shaken but my ability to care, and want to respond is absent. I don’t feel any pain. The heartbreak of losing my family, the heartbreak of losing Angel, I don’t feel any of it. I can hear him saying my name but it sounds like he’s far away. I feel a tear escape my eye and I feel him wipe it away. I hear him telling me to come back to him, telling me he’s sorry, and I can hear the sirens getting closer.

You know that movie about vampires and how they all hear that chick
’s heart stop beating? I swear it’s like that. I literally hear the last beat of my heart, the last exhale of breath leaving my body, and my body sinks into the ground. Dead weight. Then everything that surrounds me is gone.