Devoted (13 page)

H
e should have listened
to Lynn.

There was no way Russ wouldn’t find out. It was such a stupid thing to have hanging over his head, and such a small amount of money. But the look on Russ’s face when he’d found out had been one of utter betrayal.

Jake wasn’t oblivious. He knew Russ inside and out. Knew how he felt about things, how he viewed money and bills and being able to support his family. That had always been Russ’s big thing. He wanted to be able to provide for the people he loved, even if he was doing something like woodworking.

Jake had known his friend would rather give up his dream and work three jobs than risk having to become dependent on anyone else for Ryan’s well-being. The fact that he’d agreed to the marriage was monumental, and a huge example of Russ swallowing his pride.

Jake should have been upfront with him back then. He knew it.

And now he’d probably killed whatever had been building between them. Jake was still convinced it was just a bout of loneliness. Confusion leading to experimentation. Desperate times, desperate measures and all that.

But what if it wasn’t?

The way Russ had looked at him when they’d explored each other, the way Russ had kissed him… if he was a more optimistic man, he might have thought there was something behind it.

But it didn’t matter, because he’d fucked it up. Russ saw through his white knight bullshit, and it was only a matter of time before he saw through everything else.

“Jesus, Larson. What happened?”

Lynn didn’t pull any punches. Sometimes he wished she wasn’t half as observant as she was. But she wouldn’t be his partner otherwise. What made her a damn good doctor made her an obnoxious friend at times.

Especially since he’d just walked through the door and had picked up a chart. Lynn looked to be heading back up front to grab one, herself. She’d pitched her voice in such a way that she couldn’t be heard through the reception window.

“Didn’t get a lot of sleep,” he said.

It wasn’t really a lie, but mostly he didn’t sleep these days because his body remembered what Russ felt like against him. He’d had the worst sort of ache the past few nights, and it was hours before he calmed down enough to sleep.

It was fucking pathetic.

“You know I’m just going to keep bugging you until you come out with it.”

She nudged him with her shoulder playfully, and Jake gave her a halfhearted smile. That skill in observation seemed to kick in immediately, and the smile dropped from Lynn’s face immediately.

Normally Jake was so good at hiding his real feelings, even around Russ and Lynn. But he’d been coming apart at the seams lately, and it showed.

“Tell me,” she said, her voice gentle but still coming across as a command.

Jake sighed, looking at one of the paintings he’d hung on the wall. “Russ found out I paid for the clinic visit.”

Lynn had the grace not to say “I told you so,” but her lips did press into a thin line as she regarded him. “Big fight?”

“Yeah. Not anything knock-down, drag-out, but he was really upset. Hurt, you know?”

“Hurt that you paid for something? Big deal. What did he say to you?”

“Lynn, it’s not important.”

He really didn’t want to run that moment through his head yet again. It was already playing on an endless loop.

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. It was the kind of look that suggested he wasn’t going to be able to move from that spot unless he gave her the truth, no matter how many patients were waiting for them.

“He said the truth. That I’m just trying to play the hero. He’s right, Lynn, and you know it.”

“Just because I say that to you doesn’t mean he gets to. He doesn’t know the situation.”

Jake knew what she meant. Russ didn’t know Jake had pined after him for half of his life. And thank God for that.

“Like I said, it doesn’t matter.” He flipped through the chart, finding the patient history from their last appointment. “I’m starting to think you’re both right, anyway. This whole thing… I don’t even know. We’ve got the insurance company breathing down our necks, maybe we should just get it annulled, and I can stay out of Russ and Ryan’s life.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now.”

Jake scowled at her. “Seriously? I figured you’d be jumping for joy about me finally getting my head out of my ass.”

“I’m pretty sure you just buried it further in there,” she said, an edge of bitterness to her voice. “Russell had no right to talk to you like that. It’s not like you used his credit card to buy a hooker and didn’t tell him.”

Jake glanced around, making sure there weren’t any kids in hearing distance. Sometimes Lynn seemed to forget that they worked at a pediatrics clinic.

“You paid for one appointment. Big fucking deal. God, Jake, I don’t know how you stand that guy. He’s so oblivious.”

It was Jake’s turn to get defensive. His hackles raised immediately. “None of this is his fault. He’s just trying to do what’s best for his kid.”

“I get that. Believe me, I do. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but he’s stringing you along and it needs to stop.”

Jake started down the hall, hoping against hope that he could outpace this conversation. He wasn’t normally this eager to just run from his problems, but he’d make an exception for this.

“If you don’t talk to him, I will.”

He stopped, his shoes practically scuffing against the buffed floor. “Back off, Lynn. This isn’t your fight.”

She didn’t say anything. Instead, she took her chart and ducked into Exam One, where Jake couldn’t reach her without attracting way too much attention.

Great. First a fight with Russ, now a fight with Lynn.

He was going to end up alone by the end of the day, and he’d probably deserve it.

R
uss had
way too much time to sit around and stew.

He knew he had a habit of overthinking things. He’d been driven into near panic attacks by less in the past. But the idea that this time Jake wouldn’t be around to help him out of it made things that much worse.

He took to the shop early after Ryan seemed okay for the day, set up with his Xbox and the computer monitor. His phone was laid out on the table for Ryan to get in touch with him quickly if he needed anything. Or for Jake to call him, but for hours it was silent, and he was left to try and focus on his work.

It was impossible not to think about Jake. And while before he’d been thinking about Jake’s body or his lips or any number of pleasant distractions, now all he could think of was Jake’s back as he had left the kitchen and headed out the front door. Or his face after Russ told him he was just trying to be the hero.

That was a fucking bad call, and he knew it. He’d known it when he’d said it, but the idea that he couldn’t do this—that he couldn’t raise Ryan on his own and provide everything his son needed—was so firmly etched in his mind that he leaped at the chance to prove himself right.

Jake was just being a good friend. He’d always been a good friend, and to throw that back in his face and act like he had some kind of selfish motivation for all of this was just the worst thing he could imagine doing. It wasn’t like Jake had anything to gain from this. Russ brought nothing to the relationship, fake or otherwise.

He was starting to think he never really had, and that was a pretty low feeling to slip into as he powered up the rotary and carved out the decorative edges of a banister piece.

He looked at his phone, his fingers aching to pick it up and try Jake again. He just wanted the chance to explain. Jake would understand. Their friendship had survived bigger strains than this.

But even as Russ thought it, he realized that what they were doing couldn’t really be called friendship anymore. And maybe that was the deciding factor; the reason all of this felt like it had a lot more weight.

He turned off the saw and held up the piece, looking at the rough cuts he’d made. They weren’t perfect, but they’d have to do. If he was going to prove Jake wrong, he needed to actually get some orders filled and turn his business around.

Before he could grab the sander, a knock on the door interrupted him. Russ’s heart skidded to a stop, leaping up into his throat. The immediate reaction to the very possibility that it might be Jake annoyed him, and he tamped down whatever emotion threatened to build in his voice.

He was mad at Jake. Maybe he’d gone overboard with it, but he needed to tell him why he’d reacted that way. He needed to find out the truth of whether or not Jake felt he was incapable of taking care of his family.

“Come on in,” he said, running a hand through his hair to try and tame some of the wilder strands.

He brushed the sawdust off his apron, too, reminding himself he really needed to vacuum later.

But when he looked up, it wasn’t Jake’s tall, lean frame that filled the doorway. It was a woman with dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail.

Lynn? What was she doing here? Shit, had something happened to Jake?

Taking off his apron, Russ came around from behind his workbench, trying to slow his racing heart. Whatever he and Jake were now, it was hell on his nerves.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Russ stopped, his outstretched hand held in midair. He never really expected a banner greeting from anyone, but this seemed a little extreme. Especially considering that until now his interactions with Lynn had been limited to the clinic, Jake’s graduation from med school, and a few other events here and there.

“Sorry?”

“I get that you’re having a rough time, but that doesn’t give you the right to talk to him like that.”

Russ’s jaw clenched. He knew she was talking about Jake. She wouldn’t be here on behalf of anyone else. The idea that Jake had told her about their fight and sent her to do his dirty work… it wasn’t what their friendship should be.

He was starting to wish he’d never agreed to any of this.

“Did Jake send you?” He asked, his words terse, cut off by his gritted teeth.

Lynn gave him a baleful stare. “Of course not. I’m doing what he won’t do.”

“So he’s angry with me?”

Then why wouldn’t he call? Text? Or actually come over himself and tell Russ to his face?

Their relationship had devolved to the point where they couldn’t even be straight with each other. When had that happened? Right around the time he’d had Jake’s dick in his hand, or during their wedding vows?

Jake may not have sent Lynn, but the fact that she was here was telling enough.

“Please, like he would ever be angry with you.”

Russ’s next response died on the tip of his tongue. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting. His brow knit as he looked at her.

“
I’m
angry with you,” she said. “You should know better. You’re supposed to be his best friend. You can’t tell him everything he’s done for you has been selfish; so he can play the hero.”

“How the hell do you think I feel?”

He knew it wasn’t Lynn’s fault. All of the confusion he’d felt over the past couple of weeks, all of the stress from Ryan’s injury and the uncertainty about the future, all of the mixed signals he was getting about his relationship with Jake had nothing to do with Lynn. But she was here, and as the words rushed forth, Russ realized he apparently needed to get them off his chest.

“My best friend thinks I need saving. He thinks I can’t support my own family. Do you know what that’s like? For the past year, everyone’s told me I can’t do it. Everyone except for Jake. And he doesn’t even have the decency to say it to my face.”

He felt raw; vulnerable. Raked over and completely exposed. Lynn could tell him he didn’t deserve that faith from Jake, and she’d be completely right.

He’d done nothing to deserve it, and that was the worst part of it all. He still wanted it. Desperately.

He was starting to think he needed it.

“You really are oblivious.”

Of all the things Lynn could have said, that hadn’t even registered on his radar. Russ’s jaw clenched harder.

“If you’re just going to insult me, you can leave.”

He got enough of that from himself.

Lynn locked eyes with him for a long moment. It seemed some kind of stare-down was taking place, and he wasn’t sure if it was over Jake’s honor, or for some other reason. Damned if he was going to lose, though.

When Lynn’s gaze cut away he felt a fleeting sense of victory. It scurried away even faster when she rolled her eyes.

“Jake worships the ground you walk on. I’m pretty sure he thinks you move mountains every day just by getting out of bed in the morning.”

“Right.”

He moved back to his workbench, not worrying about the apron. Checking to make sure the sander was plugged in, he held up the banister he’d been working on and started up the tool, hoping Lynn would take the hint.

“You know what, fine. Don’t believe me. Jake’s feelings aren’t mine to tell, anyway. If you want to miss out on a great guy because you refuse to see what’s in front of you, fine. But don’t be surprised if you’ve already lost him.”

She made herself heard even over the buzz of the sander, giving Russ no reprieve from this conversation. He heard the door as it closed behind her, too.

What she said was ridiculous. He wouldn’t pin jealousy on her; she seemed too smart for that. But it did seem like she was bitter over competing for Jake’s friendship.

If what she said was true, she’d have it all to herself soon enough.

Russ reached into the nearby tool chest, pulling out the pictures he’d printed up for inspiration. Before he could close the drawer, a glint of metal caught his eye.

The wedding ring Jake had given him. His dad’s wedding band.

Russ wanted to close the drawer. He wanted to put it out of his sight, because if he wasn’t looking right at it, he didn’t have to think about all of this.

But instead, he carefully took it out of the drawer.

Jake had said it wasn’t a big deal; that they weren’t getting used anyway. He’d played it off the way he played everything off, from his eagerness to share his insurance plan with Russ and Ryan to the fact that he’d paid for a doctor’s visit he had no business playing for.

But this ring meant something to Jake. He’d been there. He’d seen the look on Jake’s face when he thought he’d lost the trail; when he’d been sure he wouldn’t be able to recover his parents’ wedding bands.

They were the one thing Jake owned that he prized more than anything else in the world. Russ was sure of it.

Russ ran his finger over the band. He thought he knew Jake better than anyone, but what if Lynn was right?

It wasn’t just the ring that lent support to her claim. It was hard to forget just how readily Jake had responded to him. The expression on his face, half disbelief, half a wordless plea. The desperation of his kiss, as if he was afraid Russ was going to change his mind and pull back any second.

There was something more than the physical there.

He worships the ground you walk on.

Jesus. What if that was true? Jake shouldn’t be the one doing any worshiping. Out of the two of them, Russ should be the one on his knees, thankful he had Jake in his life.

Instead he was here, feeling sorry for himself. About to let his strongest friendship—maybe his strongest relationship—go over an insecure assumption.

Closing his fingers around the ring, Russ flipped off the power strip with his free hand and jogged toward the door to his workshop.

Lynn waited outside, leaning against her car. She looked bored with the whole situation.

“Decide to wise up already? I thought it would’ve taken you at least another ten minutes.”

Her words were dry, but the slightest quirk of her lips betrayed her. Russ got the impression she’d never intended to leave.

“Go apologize. Figure your shit out. I’ll keep an eye on Ryan.”

He looked toward the house, feeling a stab of guilt. Ryan had to come first. But losing Jake… that would crush him beyond repair.

Just this once, he had to be selfish.