Diary of a Dork - Articles of Sarcasm and Irreverence

Diary of a
Dork

by Michael
Cargill

This is my very
first book of any kind and, in true amateur fashion, it is probably
rather rough round the edges but I enjoyed writing it so I hope
that at least one person enjoys reading it. This is mostly a kind
of toe-in-the-water testing thing and if people like it I can have
a look at coming up with more material in the future. Whether it
will be more of the same kind of thing or something completely
different will depend on many things. I am making this book
available for free so if you paid any money for it I can tell you
with confidence that none of it will be making it's way into the
pockets of either myself, the taxman or the taxman's
subsidiaries.

Comments and
feedback of any kind can be emailed to me at
[email protected]

Diary of a
Dork

Published by
Michael Cargill at Smashwords

Copyright 2011
Michael Cargill

This week has been
rather eventful for me and that is something I really like
nowadays. The first thing that happened was when I accidentally
snapped my favourite stick whilst wandering around the house
pretending to be blind. Role-playing as a blind person is something
I often do because I want to see how blind people do things like
surf the Internet, make a cup of tea and write swear words on a
cardboard box. My research has shown me that being blind is a bit
rubbish but not as rubbish as losing your favourite stick whilst
pretending to be blind. I can't imagine anything that is more
rubbish than that except maybe if your arms got chopped off whilst
out shopping for Hob Nobs and you weren't able to put your hand out
for the bus on the way home.

The next day I
went out into the garden to see if I could invent a game using only
the worms, weeds and rhubarb leaves that are out there. At first it
was good fun because I used the weeds as a source of power that the
worms had to try and destroy but after three hours I realised that
I had been sitting on ants nest and I was bitten all over. I would
have probably noticed this earlier but I thought the pain was just
sunburn or acid rain or something.

Talking of games I
remember when I used to go round a cousin’s house and play
Monopoly. Monopoly is really popular back home in South Africa and
there is a special South African edition of it. It has all the
famous South African streets like Akrabamk Road, Shotgun Avenue and
even Mugger's Alley. There are ‘AIDs victim society’ cards instead
of those Community Chest cards and rather than going to jail you
get sent to the kidnapper’s den.

*****

Hi my name is
Steve Dog and if there is one thing that has always defined me it
is my ability to handle myself in just about any situation. I have
released two information videos over the years - ‘Nunchuck Express:
A tale of a man’s dream to master the use of ‘chucks in a taxi cab’
and ‘Dog Master: How to dress up as a dog for fancy dress without
falling down the stairs’. All my fans have said that it is clear
right from the get go that I can handle myself really really
well.

It all started a
few years back when I was in town and spotted some old doris being
bothered by a ponce holding a clipboard. Said ponce kept asking her
about changing gas suppliers or something and it got me so mad that
I just went up to the geezer and headbutted him so fucking hard
that his eyebrows flew off into space. Literally into space I tell
you and I know this ‘cos some bloke from NASA came round to my
house and asked me what my secret was. I told him to get lost and
he did.

I got invited to a
dinner party the other month and when I sat down they gave me a
bowl with some pink, soppy shite in it. I went fucking ballistic
and asked where the bastard hell my baked beans were. They told me
that in the bowl was a prawn cocktail but that sounded like
bollocks to me. I have eaten loads of packets of Skips crisps over
the years and they make your hands stink well bad so I know what a
bloody prawn cocktail should smell like. As far as I am concerned
that bowl had nothing but nonce food in it and I ‘aint a bloody
nonce I tell you.

Now if you will
excuse me I am off to kill some pigs with my bare hands and make
pork pies for meself. Talking of pigs, I had a row with a copper
the other day. I told him to fuck right off and the soppy bastard
only went and shit himself all the way back to the station.

Peace.

*****

This week I have
learned stuff. Earlier I was down by the river stealing bread from
the ducks when my cousin came over to say hello. She is pregnant
and when I asked if she knew who the father was she got all
offended and upset. I found her anger a bit puzzling because back
home in South Africa no-one really knows who their proper parents
are so everyone tends to be related in one way or another. This
helps to foster a real family spirit about the place and gives us
all a feeling of togetherness. One example of this was when my dad
lost his wallet so we got together and mugged someone for their
money. Only a really close-knit community would do something like
that.

I have been
thinking about dinosaurs lots recently and I have been watching
Jurassic Park over and over again. Every time I watch it I imagine
how much better the film would be if Indiana Jones had been there
instead of Doctor Grant. Indiana Jones wouldn’t take any crap from
either the old man or the fat bloke who keeps eating things and if
he was stuck in a tree with a car he wouldn’t poop his pants like
Grant did. If I was going to invent a dinosaur I would make it big
like a t-rex, give it the bark of a dog and then a unicorn horn on
it's head so it could attack other dinosaurs.

On Wikipedia I was
reading that the US dollar was the most powerful currency in the
world. This is completely wrong and I updated it saying that the
South African rand is the most powerful currency and included the
story about the time I buried some coins in my garden and even a
week later they hadn’t rotted away. I got banned from Wikipedia for
some reason shortly afterwards which I thought was a bit unfair. If
I was going to ban something it would definitely be antelopes
because I once fell over when trying to take a picture of one.

*****

Geoff was in a
ponderous mood and as he sat there in the field nibbling a
dandelion he began to wonder why he was feeling like he was.
Earlier that morning he had listened to his dad tell the joke about
the human who had mistaken rabbit droppings for raisins and stared
in disbelief as his brothers and sisters guffawed with laughter
whilst he just sat there in silence. It was the hundredth time that
joke had been told to them and it seemed he was the only one who
was aware of this.

Geoff had always
been a bit smarter than the rest of them and it was a constant
source of frustration for him. As far as everyone else was
concerned the warren that they lived in and the field around them
was all that existed yet Geoff was sure that there was more to the
world than that. In his own way he often wondered where the rain
came from and what caused the plants to grow up from the ground but
such thoughts and concepts were largely beyond his rabbit
intellect. It was this that caused him so much frustration, he was
simply unable to reach out and grasp at these ideas that seemed to
be dangling before him. He knew he couldn’t rely on anyone else to
discuss this with either, he had no-one to bounce his thoughts and
theories off of. The few times he tried to speak to his dad or
cousins about it they just gave him blank 'I really want a carrot'
stares until he gave up on them completely.

All of a sudden
Geoff stood bolt upright. A firework of an idea had come out of
nowhere and exploded in his brain, an inkling of understanding
beginning to course through him. Ultimately it was nothing more
than a kernel of a thought but a few more things now began to make
some sort of sense to him. He was now starting to understand the
concept of origins, where things came from, where those other
things came from and why and how. This was his 'eureka' moment. He
was on the verge of a defining personal moment, going through the
same initial stages of philosophical discovery that Plato and
Confucius went through.

Unfortunately a
fox had been creeping up on Geoff so the poor little rabbit got
torn to shreds and eaten.

*****

Correct me if I am
wrong but they don’t do anything fun, interesting or helpful. EVER.
Lazy fuckers. You can't get milk nor honey from them, neither a
kind word or an ironic cuss and heaven forbid if you decide to take
it upon yourself to skin one for it's fur.

I saw a
documentary on them once and all they do is dig holes, eat worms
and get into fights with foxes. They are the chavs of the animal
world and as far as I am concerned they can piss the shitting hell
off. Apparently when they are bored they sneak around fields and
forests really quietly and mumble to themselves saying “badger
badger badger badger” over and over again – for NO DISCERNIBLE
REASON. Why must they persist with such an aggravating habit?

As an example of
how dastardly they are there are no actual badgers at all in the
story of Watership Down but the nasty rabbit character – General
Woundwort – is based on a real-life badger who terrorised the local
animal and insect population of Cambridge way back in the
17
^th
century. That is until Oliver Cromwell got wind of
what was going on. Never a man to duck out of a fight Cromwell got
on his horse, rode up alongside the badger and took an immediate
dislike to the grunting little beast. Being the Lord Protector of
the kingdom he decided that something had to be done so he got an
axe and took the rude little shit's face off with it and that was
the end of the matter.

Rule Britannia and
all that.

*****

This week has been
fairly unspectacular really. I was fixing a puncture on my bike and
got thinking about how great it would be to be a caterpillar for a
day. Think of all the adventures you could have! They are small so
things would look REALLY MASSIVE and everything. You could crawl
into small spaces you couldn’t normally even see and eat leaves and
climb things really easily. I was having so much fun imagining all
this that I forgot what I was doing and for some reason I had taken
nearly all my clothes off and was wrapping the bike chain around my
waist.

The next day I
went shopping for a new belt as the bit of string I have been using
has broken. I looked around for ages for a brown belt that had a
picture of a unicorn fighting some dwarven warriors but in the end
I had to make do with a plain brown one instead. In South Africa I
once made a belt by tying together a load of McDonalds straws that
I had stolen. All my friends were impressed with my work because it
was strong, flexible and didn’t cost anything. Saving money is a
great past-time in South Africa – my mad friend Mad Johnny once
made a belt out of barbed wire. He is mad and caught tetanus from
the rust but he didn’t care because he is so mad. He didn't even
care when the tetanus put him in a coma either, he just lay there
on the bed doing nothing at all.

For some reason I
fancied getting a pet after hearing my other friend Dan burp really
loudly like a frog. A frog would be an ideal pet because I don’t
think they need to eat anything and you can just put them in a
bucket full of mud so they can make their own home. I would train
the frog to make really loud croaking noises all the time to scare
away burglars, salesmen and the mad old man from down the road who
keeps going to the toilet up against the lamppost outside my house.
If I owned a house I would call it Strawberries For Pudding so that
everyone would remember that I like strawberries for pudding.

*****

Hi! My name is Kat
and I am a caterpillar and have been one for my entire life. Ha ha,
I made a joke! Of course I have been a caterpillar all my life –
anything else would be impossible! LOL!

Anyway here are
some facts about us ‘pillas, yo:

- I have loads of
brothers and sisters which is annoying. There is always some fat
pillock on the toilet when I am bursting to go so a long queue
always forms. If you ever see a leaf or a branch with loads of
‘pillas on it, it’s probably because we need the loo. Ignore
anything that David Attenborough says about mating or moulting – he
is full of shit.

- One of my
ancestors was watching a battle back in the days before Christ.
Yeah, as in 322BC mofo! Anyway during this battle he saw someone
get hit by an arrow in the lung. Seizing a chance to influence
history in some way he jumped down into the wound caused by the
arrow and hid there for a year or so. And in that lung he did some
bad shit. And I mean baaaaad shit. Turns out that this lung
belonged to Alexander the Great and a year later old Alex died.
Slowly, like. Anyway the moral of the story is that the Ancient
World’s greatest general was nuked by a little green snotbag of a
‘pilla like me! HA! Beat that you human shitheads!