Dirt (14 page)

Chapter 22

T
he crinkled pages looked almost like flowers, large and shiny, the whites and darks of the petals, enormous white carnations dyed with ink. Two albums made a bed of flowers much larger than the piles from the junk drawers.

I'm a gardener, he said. I'm planting a family. And once all the flowers have bloomed, I'm going to pour gasoline on them and light a match. And that will be freedom, finally.

You're a demon, she said.

You're not even religious.

I know. But you're a demon. You're a force for evil. You're not a person gone bad. You're something that had this in him all along. This is your nature.

You can't believe in evil if you don't believe in god.

I can see the truth. I can see what you are.

There is no evil. There is only progression through opposites.

You haven't even read Blake.

Who's Blake?

Blake is the one you're parroting with all this crap from Kahlil Gibran and others. If you'd gone to college, you'd know.

Galen walked over to the table, picked up one of the heavy cast-iron chairs, and flung it against the shed wall.

That fixed it, his mother said. You're no longer an uneducated dumbass.

Galen went into the house, grabbed the rest of her photo albums, and then just stood there in her room. He had let her distract him. He had found his meditation, finally, and look how quickly he had left it and become caught up in something else. This was the problem. She had an unbelievable power to throw him off, like a magnet next to a compass. She could destroy everything just by opening her mouth.

He let the photo albums drop onto the floor. He had to find the earplugs.

They weren't on her nightstand. He looked in her bathroom, in the mirror cabinet above the sink, and found a set of old ones, two dirty globs. He stuffed one into each ear, listening now to the inside of his own head, to his own blood and synapses, and that was where he needed to be. No more distraction. Without sound, she could no longer reach him.

He found gauze to wrap his raw hands, and he kicked things around in her closet looking for gloves, dumped the drawers of her dresser onto the floor, all her socks and underwear and bras and blouses and everything else, and still no gloves.

So he marched out to the shed, walked all the way around it to the small toolshed, and looked in there. No doubt she was saying things to him now, but he could hear nothing but the airspace in his own skull.

His eyes had to adjust after the bright sun, but he found a small shelf along one side, and here were the gloves. He picked a light cotton pair, dark with dirt and grease, and smashed them in his hands to kill any black widows. Then he slipped them on over the gauze. He was going to commit to the meditation now.

He walked out front to the shed door, stood at the orchard edge with the trees to his back and looked at the dirt he'd mounded along the wall. It was a furrow, he realized now. He was extending the orchard, connecting it to the shed, cultivating something.

The trees at his back a kind of audience. They seemed full of expectation. Grown heavy out of the soil and hanging now in the air, waiting.

Okay, he said. I'm doing it. And he walked to the corner, where he had only a few feet of wall left. He plunged the shovel and his hands stung. His arms and back sore as he lifted. He'd already cramped up.

The dirt seemed only dirt, nothing more. It looked and felt and smelled like dirt. The shovel heavy, and the fling too weighted, no fling at all, no suspension to it, only a brutal gravity.

Come on, he said. He knew that all meditations began this way, uninspired, thick as clay, without connection. A transition from the unalert world to the alert one, a journey through the full thickness of appearance. A kind of burial and trying to dig oneself out, and it always felt impossible. Every time, every single time, it felt as if the thickness would never end, as if the world would never shift again, never slip, never transform and become.

He was burning, his entire neck and back and arms cooked at the surface, but even that was no transformation. Even that was dead and heavy. It only hurt. And his breath was ragged. He was tired.

His back hurt so much he didn't feel he could bend over any longer, but he kept going anyway, kept shoveling, took out the earplugs and tried to listen to the streams of dirt and rock falling off the sides of the shovel, sounding almost like water, and then the heavy
whump
as he dumped each load. The sharper sound of small rocks hitting wood when he aimed high. He was on the east wall now, partly in shade, working his way toward the lawn. The cool of the shade a beautiful thing.

What he liked most was the lofting, the moment all that dirt hung in the air. He remembered now that had been his focus in the earlier meditation.

The day passing, no longer an oven here in the shade, and the halo of heat around his head had broken. The alert world returning. But then he hit harder ground.

He didn't want to lose his momentum, but he'd hit the edge of the tilled orchard, hit solid earth, and he couldn't dip his shovel in and swing. The tip of the shovel buried only a couple inches, and when he pulled up, he had almost nothing. The ground like armor, with bits of rock in it, all compacted.

So he walked around to the other side, near the toolshed, baking in full sun. A slick all over his body instantly, the wall and ground radiating. He was able to dip his shovel deep into loose ground, pulled up and lofted, focused everything on the feel of that, studied that moment with each shovelful, felt his own body travel through suspension and fall.

Siddhartha had endured days, months, years in meditation, had sat at the water's edge and waited, but Galen had found a meditation in action, a much faster form. It was a gift he should share with others. He should perhaps write his own book of meditation, to leave as a sign, as a trail of bread crumbs, or perhaps he would skip that and go right to poetry. He had seen what others hadn't yet seen, and so even a simple description of his experience would be a poem.

He could see all the people lining up to meet him, not only at bookstores and libraries but even here at the house. The line stretching all the way down the hedge lane once they found out where he lived. They'd be out here shoveling, and it would take a bulldozer to flatten the dirt each day.

Damn it, he said. Stop thinking. Just shovel. Just dig and throw and watch the dirt. That's it. That's all there is.

There's me, too, his mother said, so he stuffed the earplugs back in.

The dirt had become dirt again and nothing more. Just heavy, and the day had been passing but now it had stalled again.

Fine, he said, and he dropped the shovel, but then he picked it up again because he remembered there was a purpose to all of this. It wasn't just a meditation. He was also mounding up dirt so she couldn't dig out.

His skin felt itchy. He was hot and burned and itching all over, having to stop to scratch at his arms and armpits and belly and back and crotch. All the sweat in different layers. Jennifer would never do this.

He threw his shovel, just flung it into the orchard. There was no way to get his mind to steady and focus, no way to leave thought behind. He was thinking of Jennifer now, and that would go on until he jacked off, he knew. That was the only thing that could stop it.

So he trudged around the shed across the lawn past the pile of crap that he'd already forgotten about, something he needed to burn later, and went up to his room, grabbed a
Hustler
, and walked into his mom's room. He was so dirty, he didn't want to lie down on his own bed, and she wouldn't be needing hers. It was all going out to the pile to burn anyway. He'd be taking her blankets and sheets out there and her pillow and even the mattress. Everything was going to burn until this room was bare. It was going to be only wood and wallpaper.

He dropped his shorts and underwear, and his crotch looked so white against the sunburned, dirt-covered rest of him. A boner already just from thinking about Jennifer and the
Hustler
. The opening at the tip like an eye, watching him, knowing everything about him, all his secrets, everywhere his thoughts had gone.

He took off the cotton glove, unwrapped the gauze, and his hand stung. It really hurt in the open air, the broken, exposed blisters. He tried grabbing on to his boner, but he couldn't use his full palm. Only thumb and fingers, but it was hard to do much that way. It wasn't very satisfying.

But he did his best. The man in the
Hustler
had just arrived in town, thirsty and with a boner. Even his horse had a boner. It was eyeing the camera.

This man wore spurs and stood at the bar downing a whiskey while a woman in red petticoats blew him. The man hardly noticed. Then she was bent over a table, and this was where Galen focused. High heels and fishnet stockings and legs spread, exposed and waiting, looking back to see what was coming. This was what Galen wanted. He'd never had Jennifer from behind. Something about this position was just more exciting than any other. He closed his eyes and tried to see her like that, tried to see what she'd look like in this dress. They'd get a small place out in the desert somewhere, let the dust blow in and cover the floor, and he'd wear spurs and bend her over an old wooden table. He'd drink a whiskey while he did it.

Galen had to grab on with his full palm. Otherwise it just wouldn't work. His hand stung terribly and his mother's bed was too springy. He was bouncing around, which was distracting. It was kind of weird, also, to be jacking off in his mother's bed. He felt like she was watching, almost, so he opened his eyes and expected her to be standing right there, but she wasn't. He was in here alone. He needed to focus and come and get this over with and get back to his meditation.

He was all distracted now, though, and he felt tired, incredibly tired. It had been a long day, far too long, starting at the cabin with breakfast and his mother rushing them out of there. Everything that had happened since had been insane, totally insane.

He had to look at the magazine again, at the woman spread over the table, and then at the man riding her from behind, drinking another whiskey. The man wasn't even looking at her. He was looking up at the ceiling. He was the man who had never seen anyone he'd done. It was distracting. Galen closed his eyes again and tried to remember what it had felt like inside Jennifer, silky he remembered, hot and tight and wet and he sped up his hand and went full tilt, did his best to make himself come, but his hand hurt and he couldn't focus and finally he gave up.

Fuck, he said. I can't come, and I can't stop thinking about sex. This is hell. His hand was throbbing in pain.

He curled on his side on his mother's bed and rested. Eyes closed, his breath heavy, just a few minutes of rest and then he'd go finish shoveling. His chest falling in great exhales, so much more exhausted than he'd thought, and he was sinking. He tried to rise up out of it, but somehow that made him fall even deeper.

Chapter 23

A
n enormous grassland, and Galen walking. The earth volcanic, dark pumice covered in lichen. The yellow grass very sharp, growing in tufts like spines, growing from the rock itself.

Heat waves visible in the yellow and black and red, making mirages. Lone trees and cacti always at a distance, no shade. His feet and legs were not flesh and blood. They were more like pencil erasers, wearing down. As he walked, he was becoming gradually shorter, and so he had to hurry. He had to cross before he ran out of eraser.

Shadows of birds flying past, birds of prey with enormous wingspans, but he could never see the birds themselves. He squinted up into the sun, and then he tripped and threw out a leg and woke kicking at the bed.

Uh, he said. Uh. He had trouble throwing off the dream, felt he was still crossing that desert. He was in his mother's room, on her bed, cool with sweat and covered in dirt. Uh, he said.

No light at the edges of the curtains. Darkness. And so it was no longer day. He had slept, and for how long? She could have dug her way out by now.

He got up quick, pulled on shoes and shorts and stumbled down the stairs through the kitchen to the back lawn. Moonlight, the shed lit up in relief, a dark hulk outlined in white, the bone trunks of the orchard arrayed behind. The sky enormous above. He listened but heard only the ringing of his own blood and breath and realized he still had the earplugs in. So he yanked them out and ran closer to the shed, heard wood hitting wood.

He was panicked, couldn't focus on where the sound was coming from, but he saw a plank sticking out, a long slat protruding several feet at the bottom, still attached at the top.

The plank next to it sticking out a few inches, and she was hammering from the inside. The planks wide enough she could slip out if she freed two of them. Very close to making her escape.

No, he said. But she was pounding more quickly now, probably using one of the wooden walnut screens.

He ran around to the toolshed, stumbling through pits he'd made in his shoveling, the earth soft and caving, and when he opened the shed, he couldn't see a thing in there. He needed a hammer, but the tools were a jumble. He felt wooden handles, but everything too big. Damn it, he said.

He ran back around the shed, the dirt itself wanting to slow him down, the entire planet conspiring against him, and he tried to push at the plank she was freeing, tried to push it back in with his hands, but he was too soft. The jolt of her hammering from inside. He kicked at the bottom of the wood, slammed his shoulder, pounded with his fists, but it was hopeless.

He tried the other plank, the one freed except at the very top, and pushed that back in, grabbed the edges of it with his hands, but the nails wouldn't line up with their holes and he couldn't see. And then she mashed his left hand.

Galen screamed. His fingers mangled. His mother yelling a kind of war cry. He held his wounded hand and tried to look at it in the moonlight. The fingers still there, but she'd crushed them with something hard, the corner of a walnut drying rack, and it hurt so much he couldn't breathe. The pain rising like fire.

He tried not to run. He walked fast and carefully into the house, into the bathroom off the kitchen, flicked on the light and could see all the way to white bone on his middle finger. No, he said. He was sobbing, his face wet with tears, and he didn't know what to do. He couldn't call anyone.

He tried to move his fingers, and that made him yell again in pain, but they did move. Nothing severed, but he could see bone and ligament and there was blood and the skin all bunched up to the side and he felt like he was going to faint. He leaned against a wall and looked away from his hand. Don't look, he told himself. Hang on.

She was going to escape. If he didn't get out there and nail those planks down, she was going to escape. He didn't have time to do anything for his hand.

A flashlight, he said. I need a flashlight, and then I need to find a hammer.

He had dumped all the drawers from the kitchen and pantry and entryway, so any flashlight would be out in the pile on the lawn. Shit, he said.

He went out there and it just seemed hopeless. A huge pile of crinkled photos and all the crap underneath. He felt around with his good hand, held his left hand in the air, a horror of pain, blood dripping down his arm. So many shapes in the pile. Things plastic and metal and rubber and paper, and the moonlight no help at all. Kneeling here on the lawn, his mother hammering, about to escape, his hand destroyed, he was doomed. He was going to prison. There was no way out of this. Then he remembered she kept flashlights in the trunk of the car.

He ran to the kitchen, where the keys were hanging, got to the car, opened the trunk, and felt around in her box of emergency supplies. The jug of water, food bars, emergency blanket, and two flashlights. He grabbed one, flicked it on, and ran around the house past the fig tree. The beam jagged, the world revealed in patches.

Dirt in relief, the shed a whirlpool and he was circling it, pulled toward the old wood, sucked toward the center, toward his mother, the earth canting to the side.

He washed up at the toolshed, marooned at its door, darted the beam around and found hammers hanging on a wall, everything arranged. Grabbed one and dropped the flashlight, fought back against the current, the hammer held high like an instrument of war. Aaah, he yelled, slogged along the wall until he could attack the plank she was trying to free.

Galen kicked at the bottom edge with his foot, hunched against the flood and rammed with his shoulder, hammered at the spot where nails met crossbeam. The holes not lined up. Driving the nails in fresh, and that would be stronger anyway. Black wood, old, but it was thick and strong enough still, a hand-sawed plank. Rutted and grooved on the surface.

His mother pounding from the other side and screaming. He could feel the impact. But he kept hammering, drove the two big nails all the way in, then bent down and battered the lower nails that met another crossbeam inches off the ground. He could smell the dirt and realized there was no flood at all. Marooned in a desert. The dirt in motion, though, difficult to keep his footing. All this noise in the middle of the night, but they were alone. No one else in this world.

He drove that plank flat, leaned back and roared into the void, his battle cry, his triumph, and ran into the orchard, wielding his hammer and his mangled hand, terrible appendages both, his claws that could tear at the ceiling of the world and bring it down, the earth cresting beneath him, the furrows moon-painted, and he ran again, leaped from furrow to furrow. The pain a pulse in the pattern, and the rage rose in him and he wanted to kill.

He ran the furrows until he landed full tilt against the plank that was loose, slammed it full body and fell back and rose again to rage against it with his hammer. His mother pushed from the other side, but she was nothing. The nails sinking in, and she could not stop him.

The nails singing higher and higher as they shortened until the blows were flat, the plank was flat, and she had no escape.

You are where you are, he yelled. You are where you fucking are. And then he ran to the pile of old cast-off wood stacked against the hedge. Abandoned wood from ten years ago, from fifty years ago, home of rattlesnake and lizard.

Aaah, he roared at the wood, and he slammed the hammer down, beat at the loose boards to send everything scattering, snake and lizard and spider and anything else. Get the fuck out, he yelled.

The pile a thousand shapes in moonlight, a burrowing of shadow. He pulled a long piece, an old board with nails sticking out, dragged it back to the shed by tucking it under his arm. His left hand maimed and useless, he tried to hold the board against the wall using a knee. He wanted it parallel to the ground, about four feet up, to run across all the vertical planks where they met the crossbeam. He'd make a giant seat belt. To free any plank, his mother would have to free a dozen all together at once. She'd never be able to do it.

He couldn't hold the entire board up, so he tried to get one end at the right level, pinned against the wall with his thigh, and he hammered but the nails poking out the other side were gnarled and ancient and all going different directions. They only scraped and bent and made the board bounce.

Damn it, he said, and let it drop into the dirt. He grabbed the flashlight at the toolshed and walked back to the woodpile. The fury had gone out of him. Just gone suddenly, and he felt so sorry for himself, for his mangled hand. He would need to clean it, and wrap it, and he couldn't imagine even touching that area.

The flashlight flattening the woodpile, showing dusty gray, the nails orange. Not a single clean piece of wood, nothing easy.

Galen flicked off the flashlight, walked toward the trees and lay down in a furrow. Held his left hand on his chest, careful. He didn't know why he felt so lost suddenly. As if there were nothing to live for.

The stars fading, the sky a deep dark blue, the earliest sign of day. The dirt at his back still warm from the last day, the dry dead weeds all around him motionless, and what was coming was a scorcher, a day without breeze, a day in an oven. The air already warm and waiting.

He didn't want to see the sun. He wanted it not to rise today, and he thought he'd be willing to spend the rest of his life in this time of day right here, with the sky a beautiful dark blue and the air warm and the moon going down. A near darkness, everything present but not fully formed, the entire world in a state of becoming but not yet arrived. That would be the best time, the best kind of moment to hold forever. He would like that.

But instead, the very worst was coming, he knew. The sky would wash out and bake and the earth would set on fire with no air to breathe and he'd hammer at misshapen pieces of wood as his mother screamed in her cage. That was what he had waiting for him.

So as the sky began to lighten, as the dark blue became a lighter blue and shifted toward white, he rose and took off his shoes and shorts and stood naked, ready for the immolation, ready to be engulfed in fire, and he stepped over the rough ground to the toolshed. He searched along small shelves, able to see now, until he found nails, sturdy steel nails four inches long. He grabbed the nails with his good hand and walked over to the wall.

The old board lay on the ground with its twisted nails reaching upward, and he understood now that the other side was flat. He'd been on a fool's errand before. He set his hammer and nails close along the wall, then lifted an end of the board, set its flat face against the shed, and reached down for a nail.

He'd have to hold the nail in place with his left hand. There was no other way. He tried to use only his thumb and pinkie, and he tapped the nail very carefully with the hammer. If he missed, the pain would be unbelievable.

He could hear his mother crying. He needed the earplugs again. But he tapped at the nail, then let go and swung carefully, measured blows, drove in the first nail.

You're not getting out, he said. I'm nailing a band around the entire shed, all the planks linked.

I'm your mother.

You're the one making me do this. And that's fine. You're the last attachment, and so it makes sense that everything should feel like hell.

I'm your mother.

Galen lifted the other end of the board and made sure it was lined up with the crossbeam behind the planks. He had to nail into that beam.

People are real, Galen.

He held another nail with his thumb and pinkie, tapped lightly. That sound of metal on metal, the sound of what people were, makers of metal. He could be making coins, minting right here at the shed. Stamping his own image, and why not? The world was only what each of us made of it. His coin would be known as The Galen. A perfect task for becoming. Coins were just like that dark blue sky, the day about to be.

Lightening quickly now, though, the heavens washing out, everything taken away too soon, all comfort, a test. He would be tested today, he knew.

He walked back to the woodpile for the next piece. No need to choose, because he'd have to use them all. A two-by-two this time, very long and light and perfect for the task. He dragged it into place, held one end up against the planks, set his nail and tapped. No stamp for the design of his face, but each coin individually tapped, each one a sculpture, civilization slowed down. A final recognition that the hordes did not exist. There was no one to make coins for. Beyond this shed and this dirt and the hedge leading down the lane, beyond the orchard and the high wall, there was no one. Galen let his breath slow, a long exhale. There was no one. He could relax, let the attachment go. The pain in his hand, also, an illusion. If he focused on his exhale, the pain paled. It receded and curled away like the snake it was.

I need water, she said, her voice a rough breath. He could hear now how dry it was. But he needed to focus on this new meditation, the hammering.

Each nail individual, metal worked by machine but not perfect, not without variation in how the tip had been sheared or the head formed. Lines cut on the shaft, also, and in this light, there was no shadow. Light as a presence, without source or direction or heat, a cold illumination that was general, and it was only in this light that you could see the true shape of a thing, the fullness of a nail. The robust presence of a nail. It might as well have been sixty feet high. Peering at it up close, it became enormous. A shape-shifter.

Galen held the nail with thumb and pinkie. His blood no longer dripping, clotted now, beginning to scab, and it looked a dark iron red in this light. The skin that had been bunched and torn seemed no longer a part of him. It would dry and fade and fall away. What was exposed now would be covered, and soon it would seem almost that this had never happened.