Dirty Little Secrets (10 page)

“Lisa, I don’t know what to say. We’ve been friends forever and you are like a sister to me, but I have to leave. There are
too
many painful memories for me here, and I’m in search of happiness. I can’t get that in Georgia. But Lisa, I accept your apology,
and I will always love you.”

“I love you too, Tyler, and please don’t forget about me. Pick up the phone and call sometime.”

“I will.” I hung up the phone feeling a sense of closure. I looked around my room and stood admiring the Barbie collection
I began when I was five years old. It made me revisit all the dreams I had growing up as a little girl. Leaving was the first
step to accomplishing the life I had visualized. Even with all the drama I engaged in, I always wanted to be somebody. Staying
focused was my biggest obstacle. I continuously went back and forth being with some man in some relationship that kept me
off course, but now for the first time I had a preliminary sketch. All the details weren’t mapped out, but I was letting go
of the past and opening a new door. I was full of anticipation of what could be waiting for me. Maybe my world hadn’t been
perfect, but I decided that I would go to New York City, start fresh, and leave all my secrets behind.

When I arrived in New York, I tried to leave the past behind me. Inside I felt like I had “just got off the bus,” but I knew
I had to put on my game face. There were endless opportunities there for me, and though I had made a ton of mistakes thus
far in my journey, the mistakes were still mine to make. I take full responsibility for all of them. Always remember one thing.
If you take responsibility and blame yourself, you have the power to change things. But if you put responsibility on someone
else, then you are giving them the power to decide your fate.

On January 8, 1999, I reached New York. Once I got off that plane, I had stars in my eyes and money to burn—or so I thought.
Ella let me stay in her dorm-style apartment with her
two roommates until I found a place of my own. I wasn’t able to get campus housing, which I didn’t want anyway. I figured
I would get an apartment of my own. I later found out that apartment hunting in New York City wasn’t quite that easy. Instead
of getting a part-time job, I opted to whoop it up with Ella all over town. We splurged on shopping sprees, wined and dined
at fancy restaurants, reveled in Broadway shows; we just balled. There was almost twenty thousand dollars in the envelope
Patrick gave me, but we all know that if you have no money coming in and you are running around spending, then twenty thousand
dollars is no money. Hey, I was young. The best thing I did was spend the last bit I had on securing a cozy room in an apartment
building on Seventy-seventh and Broadway. Within a month, I had gone through all my money.

I was attending NYU and pursuing my dream of becoming an actress. I figured my big break was right around the corner. Ella
and I were sitting in her room watching TV, and she asked me about my future plans.

“So, Tyler, now that you’re here, what exactly do you want to do? I mean, while you’re attending school, because of course
that comes first.”

“Well, I figured I would concentrate on the books and juggle acting auditions. Maybe do the Broadway circuit and then get
into film; I mean, how hard can it be? Look at all the no-talent faces in the movie and music business today.”

“Yeah, that’s true, but there are also a lot of beautiful women with a lot of talent on the same mission as you.” It hadn’t
dawned on me that there were a million other girls running around thinking the exact same thing. I knew there would always
be girls who
were prettier and more talented, but Mother had instilled in me that I was special and I felt like I was born to be a star.
I just had to focus and pursue my dream to the fullest extent. But I hadn’t figured out how I should go about making it happen,
and so I was grabbing in the dark.

One day on my way to an audition I came across a flyer about a hot new label, Get Money Records. I remembered when I was in
Georgia and was in awe of a guy named T-Roc, who I saw in a music video. He was sexy, and Lisa laughed at me when I told her
one day I’d be in his bed. Now here I was in his city, looking at a flyer about his new label. I truly believe that if you
visualize something, want something, and put that energy out there, that whatever your heart desires will come true. What
you’re yearning for may not come to you in the exact way you envisioned but it will be obtained. This was no different. That
is why you must be careful about what you want and try to reserve your energy for something positive and productive. It took
me many years to finally understand that.

After a delicious lunch with Ella at the Pink Tea Cup, I felt energized. Not only did she pay for the fried chicken and pancakes
I devoured, but she also gave me a week’s worth of subway tokens, which I desperately needed. I was strolling down the street
counting my blessings on the way to an audition, and to my surprise, the street happened to be the same block where T-Roc’s
office was located. One of his many workers was standing outside.

“What’s up cutie? What’s your name?” the ultra iced-out guy said.

“Tyler,” I sneered, continuing to prance by.

“My name’s Jason; I work at Get Money Records.” My antennae
instantly went up because I knew that was the label T-Roc owned, and I stopped in my tracks.

“I just moved to New York, so I don’t know anything about record labels,” I lied, not wanting him to think I was impressed.

“Well, that’s okay; you hang with me and maybe you can learn how to run one,” he said with an I’m-so-sure-of-myself laugh.
“I have an idea. There’s a private party tonight where you can get your first taste of the music industry. How ’bout it?”

“Sure,” I said calmly. I gave Jason my phone number, and he said he would call around seven. As I strolled down Twenty-third
Street and Seventh Avenue, all sorts of possibilities were flashing in my mind. Would I actually see—or better yet meet— T-Roc
even though I’d been in NYC for only two months? Could I be that lucky? By the time I reached home, Jason had left a message.
I called him back, and he said he would pick me up in an hour.

I was elated about the possibility of meeting my crush, but at the same time I was extremely nervous. I didn’t know what to
wear, so I played it safe and went with a simple pair of tight black pants and a cream top. Then I dabbed on my favorite Mac
lip gloss, “Oh Baby,” and headed out the door.

Jason pulled up in a white Range Rover with dark tinted windows and chromed-out rims. Before I even got comfortable in the
car, he said, “We have to make a stop on our way to the party.” I didn’t ask any questions about where the party was or what
it was for. Instead I chose to stay quiet and go with the flow. It’s always been my philosophy that when you are around people
you don’t know, it’s better to remain silent and observe.

To my delight we met up with T-Roc and his friends to head to the private affair. Just like that, I was on the red carpet
with paparazzi taking T-Roc’s picture. He was a huge star and basked
in all the attention. He was the hip-hop king of New York. Everyone wanted a piece of him, and I was caught up. I couldn’t
conceive that this man I had seen in heavy rotation on BET and MTV and doing interviews for
Entertainment Tonight
was actually just a few feet away from me and we were going into the same party. Little old me, Tyler Blake from Georgia,
was in the mix and about to rub shoulders with the movers and shakers of the hip-hop industry.

The event coordinators escorted T-Roc’s large entourage into the VIP section, and the next thing I knew they were popping
bottles and I was drinking Cristal. Yes, I had had champagne a million and one times before, but it was never like this. Eyeballing
the room, I felt out of my element. All the women seemed glamorous and different from the ones I was used to back home. With
my simple black pants, cream shirt, and curly bob, I didn’t fit in with these chic ladies. But in the scheme of things it
didn’t matter, because I was in touching distance of the man I’d always wanted to meet.

That night I partied, had a couple glasses of champagne, and began living out one of my dreams. Those days back in Georgia,
partying with my girlfriends and thinking we were whooping it up, was no comparison to how the rich and famous partied. Arriving
home at the crack of dawn, I kept replaying every moment of that night and feeling butterflies in my stomach. It had been
the most fun ever, and I wanted to savor every moment. Although T-Roc hadn’t even noticed me, I was overjoyed by the whole
experience. There were many other celebrities there too, and all of them looked much shorter and thinner in person, which
was a little shocking but exciting all the same.

The next day to my surprise Jason called. “What’s up, Georgia
Peach?” I wasn’t expecting to hear from him so soon, and I was elated he called.

“Nothing much; I had a blast last night.”

“Cool. Does that mean you’re up to doing it again tonight?”

“Of course,” I said, knowing good and well I needed to study for an English exam.

“What you doing right now? How would you like to come by the label and see for yourself how Get Money Records is bringing
in the millions?”

“That would be great ’cause I’ve never been inside a record label before.” This was all new to me. Plus I’d take any opportunity
to meet T-Roc. Working with what I had, I selected a pair of low-rise jeans and a cropped turtleneck revealing my toned stomach.

Jason picked me up and we headed over to the label. No matter how much I wanted to scream with enthusiasm, acting laid-back
was—and still is—one of my strengths. When I walked through Get Money’s doors, the atmosphere seemed hectic and fast-paced.
The energy was strong, and everyone that was working at the label was about the hustle and bustle. There was something alluring
about the chaotic atmosphere, and I understood why so many people—including me—wanted to be part of that world. Jason told
me to have a seat and said he would be right back to show me around.

As I sat there watching people running back and forth like they were developing a cure for some life-threatening disease,
I heard someone say, “I’m T-Roc; what’s your name?”

T-Roc reached out to shake my hand, and I tried to remain calm so he wouldn’t see the stars in my eyes. But inside, my heart
was pounding so hard that I thought the building would start shaking. Gazing into T-Roc’s persuasive eyes, I knew I was in
deep infatuation. I had had enough experience to know it certainly wasn’t love, but it was the best type of infatuation I
had ever encountered.

“Hi, I’m Tyler.” I remained cool, thinking he would then walk away, but instead he began flirting with me.

“Tyler. That’s a pretty name for a very pretty girl.” This was better than any Barbie story I had ever made up.

“Are you coming out with us again tonight?” I realized he had noticed me the night before, which made me feel like a gold
medalist.

I innocently said, “If you would like me to.”

Later that night, I was at it again, partying with the hip and stylish, taking note that I simply had to invest in a New York–chic
wardrobe. In Georgia I was in style and used to being the center of attention. Here I stood out like a sore thumb. But it
wasn’t the time to dwell on that, because I was simply having too much fun. They were playing “Hate Me Now” by Nas, and T-Roc
grabbed me by my waist and escorted me to the dance floor. He was grinding against me from behind with his face against the
side of my cheek, and the essence of his cologne had me caught in his rapture. Up until that moment, I wasn’t sure T-Roc was
attracted to me.

Although I felt cute, my confidence was a little low. Here I was, in a new city, at these industry parties, surrounded by
women who looked like they had just stepped out of
InStyle.
Everywhere I turned there were beautiful women, but T-Roc was dancing with me. I felt special because I was dancing with
the man that every other girl wanted. Why wouldn’t they? Not only was T-Roc on top of his game businesswise, but he was also
a very clean-cut, sharp-looking guy. Nobody possessed his style, and his star presence was undeniable.

“How about you come home with me after the party?” T-Roc whispered in my ear before turning me around so we were face-to-face.
It took all my strength to resist his offer, but I knew what would happen and I wasn’t quite ready yet.

“I want to but I can’t.”

“Why can’t you?” he asked. His arms were still around me.

“I really have to study. I have an English test coming up, and if I don’t pass it, I might fail the class.” T-Roc gave me
a bizarre look, like “Bitch, you can’t be serious,” but I was. No, I wasn’t going to fail the class over this test, but I
had to say something to get out of going home with him.

“I tell you what, pretty girl; you take your test, and I’ll catch you the next time around.” As T-Roc let go of my waist and
left me standing on the dance floor, I felt my prom king had left his queen.

I lay in bed dreaming about how it would be for T-Roc to make love to me. It had been months since I had been intimate with
someone, and wouldn’t it be the icing on the cake if my next man was T-Roc?

A couple of days passed, and I didn’t hear from Jason. I was a tad disappointed, but at the same time I needed to concentrate
on school. Once again I wasn’t focusing. More and more I was thinking that school wasn’t for me. But until I found something
more productive, I figured I needed to stick it out. Tired of calling my parents for money every other week, I decided I needed
a job. There was a restaurant right down the street from me looking for a part-time waitress, and I jumped on the opportunity.
I put down a bunch of bogus prior waitressing experience, but they obviously didn’t check to see if it was true. To my delight
I got the job. Once I was hired, a young woman named Chrissie was assigned to train me. She was a cute petite white woman
who put
me in mind of a younger version of Sarah Jessica Parker. To my surprise, Chrissie also attended NYU. We instantly clicked,
and I finally had my first girlfriend in New York.